Friday, January 27, 2006
Bruno's
By Thalia
comic muse
jbpls3@psu.edu
Many of you may have noticed smoke coming from
the chimneys of the Glenhill Farmhouse; rather incon
spicuous since its winter. The fact that the building
hasn't used the fireplaces since Watergate is what drew
the attention of humor editor Jerry Pohl.
Jerry went to see one of his oldest and dearest
friends, Chancellor Burke. The two met years ago,
when Eurke was a theme park character in a foam suit
and Pohl was a crime solving musician. Jerry hadn't
seen him since the celebration of the Chancellor's new
post at the victory party for his legendary ravine jump.
Jerry entered the Glenhill Farmhouse as smoke bil
lowed from every chimney.
Jerry told Dr. Burke of his concern over this. The two
went about the Glenhill Farmhouse checking every
fireplace together, after they finished their requsite
Long Time No See duck hunting trip. Not only were
none of them in use, they were all spotlessly clean. If
they were simply out of use, they would be dusty.
Jerry and the Chancellor took a close look at the last
fireplace, near Dr. Burke's office. Upon inspection, Dr.
Burke noticed that the fireplace itself wasn't as deep as
the brick housing of the flue. A quick knock on the
back of the fireplace revealed that not only was it
metal, but it was hollow. Clearly the flue was still in
use.
"Great Gozer's ghost!" exclaimed Burke. Jerry and
Dr. Burke knew there was a mystery to solve, just like
old times.
Some knocking on the walls found the location of a
hollow area behind a picture of Bruno, the Behrend
family's dog. Lifting the portrait off the wall revealed a
secret passage. Luckily Dr. Burke never leaves home
without his trusty old-fashioned torch, because it adds
that nice spooky feel to any darkened corridor. The pas
sage led to the long abandoned Glenhill basement,
which had been boarded up ever since the Financial
News editor quits paper
By Jennifer Haight
news editor
jahloos@psu.edu
Fed up with the dictatorship that was The
Behrend Beacon, Jennifer Haight left the
Beacon in search of something better.
Despite it being so incredibly lucrative, the
Beacon just was not enough for Haight.
She was held back in all aspects. She was
not allowed to use expletives in her head
lines or words such as 'burgled.' Haight
once had dreams of running the Beacon,
being its new dictator; these dreams were
dashed when people started doubting her.
One Thursday, betwixt the hustle and
bustle of layout night, Haight had enough.
She up and left the world of journalism for
a somewhat less lucrative business of dia
mond mining. As the old adage goes, you
can take the girl out of journalism, but you
can't take the journalism out of the girl.
Haight began running the mine as though it
were a newspaper. Miners would approach
her with what to the naked eye would
appear to be flawless diamonds; Haight
would tell the miners, "What do you take
me for? These diamonds will never do.
Quote of the Week
"I hate money, but I love the
things money can buy."
-John Bigus
Sarcophagus burgled behind Science Building
By Michelle Vera Suroviec
photography editor
nusl2l@psu.edu
The Archaeology Club held their annual
dig yesterday, which this year took place
behind the Science building. During the
event, what appears to be an ancient sarcoph
agus was unearthed.
"It was amazing. Just think. This discov
ery is extremely important. I think I'm going
to get a girlfriend now, and we'll shag for
forty days and forty nights inside it. Is that
too kinky for a first date?" eyewitness Noah
S. Ark, said.
Upon first glance, the sarcophagus stretch
es out ten feet wide and has what appears to
ghost; the saga continues
Aid office went back on the gold standard.
In the basement, the intrepid humor editor and the
Chancellor found what appeared to be a laboratory.
The source of the smoke was found to be one mas
sive fireplace, with ducts going to every chimney.
"It's just like campuses' IT fees get funneled to
Main Campus," said Jerry. The two went in for a
closer look. They saw that students wearing jump
suits and masks were continuously feeding the fires.
In shocked horror, Dr. Burke and Jerry heard a
scream as they saw that the students were disposing
of live creatures in the fire.
Traversing deeper into the lab, it was discovered
that this was the secret lab of Behrend's Science
Department Representative; a man known only as
Dean.
"Feed those failed experiments to the flames,"
they overheard Dean order. "And bring me a donut;
these manatee fumes are making me hungry." Jeny
and Burke tried to make their way out, to expose
what they had seen.
Before they could escape, the pair heard a cry for
help. They turned to see a large manatee. They
looked at it and were taken aback as it spoke, say
ing, "Take me with you."
When they inquired as to the manatee's identity,
he told his amazing story. The manatee contained
the infamous Ghost of Bruno. Some may remember
that Bruno's Ghost was busted last year by the
Beacon's own Chris Hvizdak. Viz had Bruno's spir
it trapped in his special ectophemeral storage facili
ty (patent pending). However, with the constant ren
dering and editing of his first feature film, Viz was
too distracted to notice that his containment unit had
been burgled.
"Penn State has once again proven it's adeptitude at
extracting valuable resources from its students" said a
sleep-deprived Hvizdak. "And just when I figured out
how to power my film editing computers with the
immortal soul of the Behrend family's dog."
Dean had taken Bruno's Ghost and planned to
They cannot fill a five hundred word space,
not even with a 10 point ledding and a 14
point font. You need something bigger, bet
ter!"
There is one person Haight answers to,
and that is Kim Young 11, her mining advis
er. Young is very similar to the adviser she
worked under at the Beacon except for that
Kim Young at the Beacon was less of an
adviser and more of an advisor. People still
cannot tell the difference, but Haight will
be damned if they try to convince her that
they are one in the same.
Haight has her own team of diamond edi
tors, similar to the copy editors at the
Beacon, only they catch the flaws. These
diamond editors are few and far between
and they do not complain about working to
all hours of the night (this is partially
because Haight will not let them complain,
otherwise she will roundhouse kick them in
the head, a skill she picked up from a
CNAC (Chuck Norris Appreciation
Convention). These diamond editors are
skilled in all verses of the language of dia
monds and catch every last detail.
Keeping the mine clean is another aspect
of mining that Haight is very adamant
be a ceremonial engraving. Upon closer eval
uation, it was discovered that someone spilled
Mountain Dew on a pile of Archie comics,
and the ink was running.
"This proves that they were an advanced
civilization and that Veronica and Betty are
the ideal women of their time," said Professor
Indy Jones, who was in charge of the dig.
"Unearthing a strange sarcophagus makes
achieving tenure so much easier than fighting
Nazis for dinnerware."
With the mention of Nazis, a crowd started
to gather to fight over the sarcophagus.
"Don't even get me started on Nazis," said
Anne Frank, 02 Creative Writing, the secre
tary for the Jewish Club.
"Nay!" said Old Man Withers, 36
u_vr
'r'
i-
about. Before anyone is permitted to leave,
she makes sure there are no Pepsi cups or
salad dishes lying about. Anything left in
the mine after hours will without a doubt
be torched; this includes checks for large
amounts of money, school books and
babies to name a few.
Another thing Haight likes to ensure is
that people call her "mom." She likes to
think of her miners as children she can
boss around and then make it up to them
with star charts and flavored tootsie rolls.
Haight is a very emotional and volatile
person. This works against her sometimes
when the miners are not doing exactly what
they are told. This often leads to multiple
roundhouse kicks per night, but Haight
insists that this is what works for her.
Despite Haight's unties with The
Behrend Beacon, she still cannot seem to
edit it out of her system. She does not real
ize how much of the Beacon she has
brought with her to the diamond mine,
which she calls her "guiding light."
Because of this, it can be said that she has
been strongly influenced by this college
newspaper, no matter what she tries to tell
you.
Communications. "This artifact proves that
Jug-Head is a superior being. It belongs to
the Church of Scientology."
After another hour of debate, the Biology
Club, who wanted to make the campus a sar
cophagus-friendly habitat, the Film Club,
who wanted to immediately start a documen
tary, and the Marketing Club, who wanted to
sell the rights to the sarcophagus's story to
FOX, soon joined the crowd.
Soon after, the Chemistry Club arrived on
the scene to prove that Old Man Withers was
indeed Old Man Withers, the Engineering
Club calculated the probability of the sar
cophagus being a hoax, and the Psychology
Club determined that this was all a dream due
to a traumatic childhood.
flifffEWM
Bruno the manatee relaxes in his undisclosed location, secure in the knowledge that he is safe
absorb the specter's powers into his own body. This
would give Dean the ability to withstand weeks with
out on-campus events. Thus far, experiments had only
been able to place Bruno's consciousness in a manatee.
Burke and Jerry rescued Bruno the Manatee and
have hid him away from Dean. Upon trying to gather
photographic evidence of Dean's lab, Burke and Jerry
discovered that all traces of it had been removed
overnight. Dean himself is nowhere to be found, and
the same can be said of his team of work-study stu
dents. Bruno will be safe in the holodeck of the base
ment of the Beacon Office until his next adventure.
Horoscopes
By Michelle Vera Suroviec
clairvoyant through medicine
misl2l@psu.edu
Aries (Mar 21 —Apr 19) Lucky
Charms do not make the most
nutritious breakfast choice.
Switch to homemade, whole
grain biscuits
Taurus (Apr 20 May 20) An
opportunity arises to steal your
roomie's breakfast cereal. That
marshmallow delight is part of
your birthright. When the
clovers and blue moons are
placed in the proper sequential
order, a trans-dimensional portal
will open.
Gemini (May 21 June 21)
Chuck Norris heard that you
were telling people that Chuck
Norris has counted to infinity
twice. This is not true as Chuck
Norris has counted to infinity
four times. Expect two round
house kicks in your near future,
The first is because you deserve
it, and the second is to kick the
life back into you, because
Chuck Norris doesn't want you
dead.. yet,
Cancer (whenever) Oops, the
astrologist forgot about you
Leo (July 23 Aug 22) Blue is
not your color. In fact, nothing
is. Try dressing in your birthday
suit, and you can sleep in for
another ten minutes.
Yugo (Aug 23 Sept 22)
Penmen is an untapped gold
mine. Mix it with gasoline; it
Website:of/the.Week
http://www.
kittenwar.com/
The Behrend Beacon I
riNtsmells really good. ' ,
Libra (Sept 23 Oct 22) You
will make a new friend with
long sharp fingernails. Although
he busts up your waterbed, he
makes up for it by creating
wacky hairstyles and perfectly
trimmed hedges. AZiiimNk
Scorpio (Oct 23 Nov 21)
Don't bet on the Super Bowl.
You're not going to win no mat
ter what, but you aren't entitled
fill io
to the reason why.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 Dec 21)
You have been chosen to receive
strange knowledge. For the
Super Bowl, the Jaguars will win
by negative fifty against the
Browns. The Steelers and
Seahawks decide to have a walk
off, Zoolander-style. Severe
wardrobe malfunctions force the
NFL to rewrite history; there
fore, nullifying the existence of
the cities formerly known as
Pittsburgh and Seattle. 014,Zir,Aiip
4 % 4 74;
Capricorn (Dec 22 Jan 19)
You really should have had that
rash looked at by now. Itl/415
Aquarius (Jan 20 Feb 18)
Never trace your family tree.
Papa Smurf has a secret, your
mental stability depends on
never discovering it.
Pisces (Feb 18 - March 21) -
You will believe you can write
hotosaves when you suffer a
imd trama. The humor editor
will think you made them up and
pin them on his page. 'alai
for now