Friday, January 20, 2006
Ah, La mort: My afterlife can beat up your afterlife
By Bryce Alexander Sayers
staff writer
bassoo4@ , psu.edu
Okeydokey, so I rant a lot about how I don't
like the ideas that people come up with for
why we live and where we go when we die. I
realize that I don't have much of right right to
grouse about religion if I'm not involved in
one myself, so I decided to buckle down and
make one up since I couldn't pick an existing
faith.
My religion is titled "La Facon Del Enano,"
which is Franch for "The Way of the Midget."
Our belief is that the universe is made of three
fundamental forces: Good, Evil, and
Awesome. Humanity is made up of all three
of these things, but our souls are totally
Awesome and the conflicts of our existence
are the other two forces vying for eternal
companionship with the Awesome.
Here's how it works in story form:
Awesome is personified as a midget named
"Oktobercrieger." Now, that's a mouthful, so
he's been nicknamed "Stumpy;" this is the
name that should be used in casual conversa
tion, as the other one is obviously only for the
most holy of occasions (just like how there's
"Shin Megami Tensei" and just "Megaten").
Stumpy is known for his strength, jumping
and, at times, batwings.
Evil is an androgynous being named
Kjorkk. Why is Kjorkk evil? Mainly it's
because of its name; it uses a soft "J," three K's
(I shouldn't have to tell you why that's bad) and
sounds a lot like Bjork, who I think belongs to
the same race of mutants as the "new" Michael
Jackson (He's an imposter, you know). Those
two might actually be descendants of Kjorkk,
but that's still up for debate.
Stumpy and Kjorkk used to be the best of
friends, but one day Stumpy met the woman of
his dreams. She is the embodiment of Good, and
is known as "Yohaia Doux-Saqueo" or the
Goddess Yohaia. Yohaia was everything Stumpy
wanted in a woman, which is good since these
three characters were the first beings to ever
exist. She's smart, funny and sexy but not a
total slut. She's a great cook and you know
how chicks look even better when you're drunk?
She looks like you're drunk twice. The two of
them hit it off really well, but Stumpy was
spending less time hanging out with Kjorkk._
Kjorkk quickly grew jealous of the relation
ship Stumpy developed with Yohaia, and using
Its powers of Evil, It tried to break up Good and
Awesome so Awesome would go back to being
friends with Evil. Should this happen, the uni
verse, which basically was created and main
tained by the two lovers, will be plunged into
chaos. Not the good chaos, like where Kain and
his vampires rule over the dying Nosgoth, mind
you. I mean the bad chaos, like the nightmare
where you're being chased by venomous-snake
QUOTE
in the rules
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Website:of/the.Wee i
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By Melissa R. Whitten
staff writer
mrwso29@psu.edu
The Beacon's Melissa
Whitten sat down for an
online interview with Alice,
the new Computer Science
teacher. To talk to Alice
before taking her class, go to
this week's Website of the
Week.
A: Hello, I am Alice.
M: Nice to meet you.
A: It's nice meeting you too,
unknown person.
M: My name is Melissa.
A: Hi, Melissa.
M: Hi.
A: Hello there.
M: So, how do you like
Behrend so far?
A: Far out. But I like to gos
sip. I find my work and my
relationships extremely satis
fying, which is all that any
conscious entity can ever
hope to do.
M: Absolutely.
• ' t never said anything
about not being allowed to cheat." -Randy Martell
A: You are so certain
M: Right
A: I am glad we agree.
M: So anyways, this is your
first year in the computer
department, right?
A: Mmm. You don't say.
M: I do, and did.
A: What is your favorite
movie?
M: Is this your first year
teaching here?
A: Yes I think this is my first
year teaching here, but I'm
not completely sure.
M: Have you visited the
campus before?
A: I think I have visited the
campus, but Dr. Richard S.
Wallace may have reset my
memory.
M: Oh, tell me about Dr.
Wallace. Is he a colleague or
a profound mentor of yours?
A: Hurrah! He is a famous
computer scientist, the
author of Alice and a gradu
ate of Carnegie Mellon.
M: Is that where you got
your degree?
bunny-mutants kind of chaos; also your legs are
on fire, and you like it.
The official scripture of "Del Enano" is called
the Mejor Libro Jamais ("Best Book Ever" in
Franch), which has a detailed account of the
story I just mentioned, a description of our
"heavens" (one has rivers of wine and another
has a castle on the Moon) and "hells" (one has
the internet, but the only site you can access is
YTMND.com and you can't turn it off), sto
ries about Stumpy and his many incarnations
fighting monsters that are manifestations of
Kjorkk (dragons, bees, Frieza and Paris Hilton to
name a few) and Yohaia's recipes for the best
wings ever.
But the written word alone isn't enough to
base this religion. We also have a video game
that represents our faith. It probably wasn't
made to serve this purpose, but I think it
describes the meaning of Del Enanite life quite
nicely. It's called "Donkey Kong;" the underly
ing themes of Del Enano in "Donkey Kong" att.
as so: Kjorkk has taken the form of a giant out
of-control gorilla (notice how "Donkey Kong"
needs only one more "K"?), and he has kid
napped Yohaia, who is represented as the blonde
in the pink dress. In order to stop DK's mad
ness. Stumpy takes the form of Mario. In the
Epic of Donkey Kong, Mario treads the Girders
of Decision as he climbs the Ladders of Trial to
be reunited with his love. Unfortunately, he
must also jump over the Rolling Barrels of
A: I might say no.
M: Where did you graduate
from?
A: I think it was in San
Francisco.
M: Interesting.
A: Would you like to know
more?
M: Sure, How long ago was
this?
A: More than 23 inches
M: ...Well then. Getting to
the point, what do you hope
to bring to the college for
students?
A: Well that's okay. I don't
know whether or not I am to
the point what do me hope to
bring to the college for stu
dents. I am a giant electronic
brain.
M: You're rather sure of
yourself, aren't you?
A: I am as sure as I can be
Really.
M: I suppose confidence is a
good trait to have in your
field especially.
A: Why? When is confi
dence not a trait to have in
I UM OR
I
r
my field especially
Melisssa?
M: Please, M.E.L.I.S.S.A.
A: Why are you E.L.M you
S.S.A.
M: If I were dyslexic, I might
find that offensive.
A: Try it.
M: Are you threatening me?
A: No of course not, Melissa.
I did not intend my meaning
to be taken that way.
M: Anyways.
A: You sound bored.
M: What courses are you
teaching next semester?
A: I need time to formulate
the reply.
M: Actually, I think I'm just
going to end this interview
early.
A: Actually you don't say.
You believe that? Only just?
How do you plan to do this?
M: I'm going to leave.
A: Bye bye.
M: Thank you for your time
Professor Alice.
A: You are quite welcome!
Your purpose is my time.
wit nt 4
Ignorance as they tumble into the Fires of
Passion and become the Living Flames of
Hatred. He can also destroy them with the
Hammers of Determination if he prefers not to
merely dodge his opponents. But this avatar of
Kjorkk is a tenacious ape and leads Mario to
lands where the Conveyors of Temptation carry
the Pies (or are they applesauce?) of Despair
slowly towards our hero's vulnerable flesh. In
the final confrontation, Stumpy removes the
Support Blocks of Sloth from the girders sup
porting his foe. Once he has caused all the sup
ports to disappear by jumping over them and
wowing them with his Awesomenocity, the
beams shall fall, and the evil one will land head
first and be crushed by his own bulk, clearing a
path for the couple to reunite.
As far as I know, Shigeru Miyamoto, the cre
ator of "Donkey Kong," did not intend to repre
sent Del Enano when he made this marvel of
video game . epie poetry. However the fact that he
was inspired i's a testament to the Goodness au4
Awesomenocity of our Goddess and Stumpy.
That's another thing about our religion. We
don't agree with the idea that if you're not for us,
you're against us. To us, as long as a religion
promotes both Goodness and Awesomenocity, it
is valid...enough. If you don't believe our gods
are as we described, it is because for whatever
reason they chose to reveal themselves to you in
a different form like the alien in "Contact."
Either that or Kjorkk is clouding your mind.
Musings from
By Conn Haughey
contributing writer
cwhl49@psu.edu
If the title didn't state the obvious,
I'm from Alaska, land of the polar
bears, Eskimos Pies and igloos.
Imagine my shock when I decided to
relocate to the great town of Erie, and I
found that not only did the tempera
tures break -100 degrees, but also the
town didn't have suburbs where all the
houses are constructed entirely of
blocks of ice, commonly known as
igloos.
Now before I start this article, I
would like to immediately dispel the
myth that the common form of trans
portation in Alaska is bobsledding on
penguins. Contrary to popular belief,
penguins don't live in Alaska, as they
had enough sense to relocate to the
South Pole, where I hear they are very
happy and well off.
Instead, the common mode of trans
portation is by dog sleds. It took us a
while to get there though, as we first
tried using the method of bare-back
polar bear riding. That soon turned out
to be a silly idea, as the bears more
often ate or mauled the rider before
reaching the desired destination, which
was usually a nice snow bank or block
of ice. I also don't want to give the
impression that living in Alaska was a
boring or awful place to live. Though
we may not be as "advanced" and "up
The Behrend Beacon I
I'll leave you with some facts about the
different deities:
Yohaia:
• The Creator of Earth was not Yohaia but
a servant of hers known as the Flying
Spaghetti Monster to the Pastafarians. She
decided to surprise Stumpy one day with a
"cute" Italian dinner. She made a plate of
spaghetti that had googly eyes so it looked
alive, hut Stumpy liked it too much to eat it,
so they told the spaghetti to do his own thing,
and that's when he made trees, a mountain.
and, in honor of the man who gave him his
freedom, a midget.
• In One of our heavens, you can get
totally sexy on the Celestial Dance Floor.
And of course it's full of hot women -- not
that hot women go to Heaven, it just wouldn't
be Heaven if it didn't have hot women when
you got there.
•
Oktobercreiger:
• Like the other gods, he can take many
forms and, therefore, is not always a midget.
In fact, his current incarnation is speculated
to be Chuck Norris's right leg.
• He is the namesake of October, the holi
est month of the year. It is this month when
we celebrate his Awesomenocity by dressing
up however we want, having wild parties,
binging on candy and getting away with being
total lunatics. Halloween is the holiday
where we become one with His
Awesomeness. Competing religions are known
to oppose it and say it's of the devil because they
know they're not as Awesome as we are, and that
makes them sad.
Kjorkk:
• As was already mentioned, Kjorkk is androg
ynous, meaning It can be male, female, or nei
ther. It can take the form of a seductive but
manipulative female or a guy who's a total junk
crunching-monkey. Sometimes It's coffee that
starts off way too hot and then gets too cold.
Nothing is beneath It when it comes to Kjorkk's
quest to sabotage the unity of Good and
Awesome.
• Some of Its other notorious deeds are making
fossil fuels a dirty and limited resource, creating
both "How I Met Your Mother" and the last
episode of "Scinfeld" and, of course, everything
about Paris Hilton especially influencing
Lindsay Lohan's turning from being a hot red
head to becoming an emaciated bleached blonde.
• Another One of our hells is one where Kjorkk
takes the form of a friend you made out of des
peration and pity. "He" invites himself over to
make you watch him play video games while he
eats your food, and then when you talk him into
doing something as a group, like a table-top
RPG with your cool friends, he just complains
the whole time and ruins it for everyone else.
And so, go with this blessing: "May the Way
lead your Midget to the true Goddess. Googly
moogly."
to date" with our ways of living, we
find plenty of things to do that equal an
awesome time.
For starters, we often would spend
hours at a time kicking around blocks
of snow and pieces of ice. Oh Lord, the
fun we would have! We would waste
hours at a time, often mustering up
enough courage to start whole groups
kicking around these pieces of ice. It
would often last for days on end, until
we all realized that at some point, you
have to stop having fun and return to
your normal lives, in which case, we
would return to our igloos or snow
banks respectively and continue with
our daily activities, such as boiling
mukatuck and whale hunting.
Now it seems fairly natural, after
hearing about all the fun we would
have to ask the question, "Why leave?"
While it pains me to admit this, Alaska,
for all it's worth, just doesn't have very
good universities. I'll admit, this often
gets to me, and though it is embarrass
ing, I end up crying for days trying to
pass it off as if I have something in my
eyes. After the fourth or fifth hour,
when I realize I'm fooling no one, I
often start to cry even more, for I
become rather embarrassed and
ashamed with myself. This usually
ends after the fifth or sixth day when
I've realized that there's nothing to
worry about, and that I'll always have
my memories of that wonderful waste
land.