I The Behrend Beacon
Random
Ramblings:
Trees
By Michelle Vera Suroviec
photography editor
(nis i 2 1 p,,u.edu
Nobody lived by me so I had to play by
myself. I liked to go into the woods and
get dead cow parts. But then my dog ate
them, so I had no toys anymore. My neigh
bor killed my dog. His girlfriend had no
teeth. She called our house when they
finally got a telephone and said she didn't
want me hanging out with their son. He
was gay, and I told him that was ok, so
they thought I was a had influence. One
time our neighbor took his lawn mower
and mowed down all our trees; we had a
nursery. Around Christmas time people
would steal trees. None of the good trees
were by the road though. My dad prom
ised me a treehouse and a pony. I didn't
get either, hut one time he brought this
horse home with him. Some Amish guy let
him borrow it. He said I could have it if I
cleaned up its mess, but I didn't.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"NyQuil plus coffee does not equal DayQuil."
-Zack Mentz
I'M
your
By Dr. Zack Mentz
cartoonist
'dm 104 psusedu
Not too long ago, the Beacon pub
lished a how-to article about students
dating their professors. I was appalled
at the way we professors were por
trayed. We were depicted as gullible,
lonely, chubby old hags. 1 decided to
write this article in response to that let
ter.
Students have no idea of the levels of
manipulation involved in a
student/teacher relationship. When stu
dents and teachers date, don't be fooled
when you hear the ball is in the stu
dent's court. We teachers are crafty folk
and, for the most part, know exactly
how to get what we want from you
young-bloods. So, professors, this is a
quick lesson in how to date your stu
dents. And students, this is a quick note
to tell you that "we're on to you."
I found an article with the statistic
that says the average full professor at
Penn State (U.P.) earns $89,900.
(http://www.pitt.edu/utimes/issues/32/0
(X)525/11 .html) I know I don't make
nearly this much, but lets just say that
the average salary of a Penn State pro
fessor is no more than that. Just a frac
tion of that sum would be more than the
minimum amount of money needed to
survive in this country. If we professors
could save our money and spend less on
our hybrid cars and dry-cleaning, we
could live, at least, four years off of one
year's salary.
So what's the point of saying this?
The point is, we don't need to take our
jobs so seriously. If some hot piece of
meat is hitting on us, don't resign your
self to sticking to old creeds. You won't
get fired. Even if you do, who cares?
It's okay in the twenty-first century to
have romantic relationships with your
students. Go for it. God forbid the long
arm of Penn State comes down to shake
its finger. We are hard workers and
deserve some college-aged love. If we
aren't stopping to smell the roses now
and again, then why were we born with
noses? Get what I'm saying?
The first thing a professor should do
when a student shows romantic interest
is weigh the pros and cons of going fur
ther. Penn State should turn a blind eye
to these relationships; however, you
may find trouble bridging the emotional
gap between your
girlfriend/boyfriend and your spouse
If you are not married, great! The world
is your oyster. If you are married, con
sider how old you are right now and
how long that window of finding some-
N 0 cksT •
to date
students
one who is interested in you will stay
open. If you're spending more than a
minute considering the pros and cons,
you don't have what it takes to deal with
a new love. Forget it. Move on. Go
back to your dry cleaning.
If you are serious about pursuing a
relationship with your student, the goal
to making sure that the relationship
doesn't end with messy strings attached
is letting the student believe they have
control. Students think if they have sex
with you, they'll get a higher grade in
your class. That's good. Encourage
that line of thought. Nothing says
dumped better than a failing grade. Let
the relationship drag on until the end of
the semester. Right before the student
leaves for break, dump them. This will
secure your superiority both inside and
outside of the classroom. They'll have
no one to blame for their poor grades
but themselves. Point for you!
Students may feel that they have
some sort of "guilt" grip on you if you
two are in a relationship. This illusion
must be preserved. The more physical
you are the more the student will think
they have you in their pocket.
Remember, the only reason you're in
this relationship is for the loving. Milk
it for what it's worth. Let the students
think they have you in a web of guilt.
Your freedom will be as sweet to you as
it will be surprising to them.
There are plenty of ways you can
have a successful romantic relationship
with your student. But beyond asking
"how," remind yourself of the "why."
Why are you interested in a student?
Why are you reaching back through the
years? Let me help you answer this
question. Follow this exercise:
Go to a mirror. Take a long look at
yourself. Notice the lines growing out
of the corners of your eyes. Look at the
dark cuts dividing your forehead.
Notice the loose skin collecting on the
back of your upper arms. Notice the
potbelly. This is you. You didn't
always look like this. You were once
vibrant and youthful. You were once
happy. Now do something else. If you
are a male, comb your hair, put on a tie.
Ladies, pat your cheeks with some
makeup. Put on a nice evening gown.
Do your hair up nice. Now, return to the
mirror and take another long look at
yourself. Did all that makeup really
hide those crow's feet? Do you really
look like a new person? Would you be
attracted to you? Take a final look and
ask yourself, "Why should I date a stu
dent who is only interested in me for
grades?" I hope you can come to an
answer by yourself.
r
r
We
have photographic
evidence to suggest
that the North Pole is
building weapons of
, mass destruction
UM OR
The )eo e who vunt gill 'e! it
Letter from an editor
Dear Humour Page,
I'm disappointed. I really am.
What happened ? When we parted
ways, on good terms I might add,
you had it going on. Somewhere
between then and now you lost it.
Together, we pushed boundaries.
We got laughs. We were psuedo
offensive. Didn't you learn any
thing? You were something that
"The Onion" could have been proud
of.
Nowadays' r see articles in you
that could have been pushed further.
They could have gone the extra mile
to bring a smile to the face of a
hardened audience that's been
brought up on "Ren & Stimpy" and
"South Park." Let's face it, you've
got an adult readership, there's no
reason you couldn't push further
into taboos like sexuality and reli
gion. When we were together, we
did that, and it was great.
It's not just that you've got an
adult readership. It's that you've got
a responsibility. Humor is a disci
pline that evolves like any other (i.e
science and technology.) It allows
us to address the constantly chang
ing world around us in an enjoyable
and objective way. You might say
that humor is the spoon full of sugar
that makes the objectivity go down.
Humor is another way of thinking
that leads to profound ideas and
allows the nasty things that go on to
Do you know Christmas calculus?
We've all done it, laid awake in our little beds try
ing so hard to keep our ever so heavy eyelids open,
waiting to catch a glimpse of "Santa." Nevertheless
we all fell asleep waiting and wake the next morning
to find what he has left. But Christmas is not all about
what Santa left.
Cookies; everyone leaves cookies for Santa and car
rots for the reindeer and maybe some milk to wash it
down. There about are two billion kids on earth (those
under 18 years old). About 15 percent of these chil
dren are of a faith that believes in Santa, thus leaving
Santa to visit about 378 million children in roughly
over one night. With about three and a half children in
the average house, he would have to visit about 108
million houses on Christmas Eve. Each house might
want to leave a plate with three cookies that weigh
about a tenth of a pound per cookie and maybe an
eight ounce glass of milk.
Then the carrots; three carrots for eight reindeer
sounds reasonable at about two-tenths of a pound
each. Santa alone on Christmas Eve would ingest
roughly 324 million cookies, weighing approximately
16.2 thousand tons. Santa would drink about 864
ounces of milk or about 54 million pounds. Most rein
deer live on straw, grass, nuts and berries, but the
eight flying reindeer would have to take down about
By Dan Mitchell
contributing writer
dgm 137 Wiml.edu
be exposed in a brighter light than
"good" journalism or corporate
journalism ever could. If you don't
remain on the cutting edge in all
aspects, including offensiveness,
you're holding back all of mankind,
like all those people who refuse to
get touch-tone service because of
the extra quarter it adds to their
phone bill.
Have you become out of touch?
Are you afraid of making your read
ers uncomfortable? Don `t be.
People like abuse and discomfort.
Take listening to 'emo music' for
example. That's rather self-abusive
and discomforting. So what if some
readers might say that humor is
purely for entertainment? Perhaps
they should march themselves back
to the kiddie table and pop in a
`Smurfs' video. It's fine for them to
be eternally mired in an unending
sea of pointless slapstick and soph
omoric inconsequentiality, but if
they step to you, jingle some keys in
their face and tell them you hid a
cookie in their sock drawer. They're
idiots and they'll run off. Problem
solved.
Perhaps you're confused, uncer
tain about yourself. Maybe you
don't know if humor should be
offensive at all or only "so offen
sive." Don't take a razor to your
wrists. Be as offensive as you want.
If you run into readers who tell you
to soften your offensiveness, these
32 thousand tons of carrots. If each reindeer ate its
share of the carrots, then each would be just about the
size of a cruise liner. Now imagine eighty tiny cruise
liners pulling a jolly fat Santa with a tummy like a
bowl full of jelly, a bowl that is three times the size of
a football arena full of jelly, through the sky; quite a
site to see.
We won't even mention the fact that a team of rein
deer and a Santa that total in weight more than 75
thousand tons have to visit approximately 108 million
houses. If houses were a measly half mile away from
each other, then Santa and his fleet would have to
travel 54 million miles. With the earth's spin and
Santa traveling from east to west he would have to
visit approximately 967.7 houses every second. If
Santa had no acceleration or deceleration time (he
could just go from stop to go instantly) at every house
he would have to travel at 483.85 miles a second, or
I .7e 6 miles an hour.
The human body is not meant to withstand colli
sions of more than 20 miles an hour. So the forces act
ing on Santa when in flight would be so great that
Santa would either catch on fire and burn up in less
than a second from leaving the North Pole, or he
would burst. That's right, burst; big balls of jiggly
jelly everywhere. It would compare to Mt. St. Helens
erupting, only we all would die from jelly suffocation.
So if there was ever a Santa, there isn't now. But don't
forget the next time you eat a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich, you may just be eating Santa.
Friday, December 9, 2005
readers are obviously oblivious to
the social need of humor and are
likely somewhat narrow minded
prisoners of the status-quo. As the
"Dilbert Principle" indicates, these
readers are "Prime management
material."
As the cancellation and subse
quent reinstatement of 'Family
Guy" shows, they'd obviously be
incapable and incompetent manage
ment, These readers would best take
a lesson from Rupert Murdoch, a
rather successful businessman (you
can google him if you don't believe
me). Rupert Murdoch is a very, very
conservative Australian that owns
Fox. All of it. And he pays $BOO,OOO
an episode so 'Family Guy' can air
every week and attack his values on
his own network, Why? Because
people watch it, and he makes
money off the ads. And the bottom
line of any business is making
money. You can thank me later for
the crash MBA course.
Lastly, you might run into people
who are offended by offensiveness.
Tell them to either save up and buy
themselves a sense of humor or just
not read it. Frickin' babies.
Br , ce Sa er,
Love,
Chris fivizdtdc
opinion editor