I The Behrend Beacon
Campus store offers amazing values on Black Friday
By Jerry Pohl
humor editor
' bp 153 k, psu.cdu
Black Friday. the day after
Thanksgiving, is a day where stores
open early and offer once a year sav
ings, and Behrend's bookstore is no
exception. Students hurried back to
campus Thursday night to get a good
spot in line. The bookstore usually
opens at 8 a.m., but on Black Friday
the store would open its doors to stu
dents at 5 a.m. Anyone who didn't get
in line before midnight was unlikely
to he able to take advantage of the
savings on items of limited supply.
The student to claim the first spot in
line was Pam Enzies. She got in line, at
6:30 p.m. Thursday. In for the long
haul, she came prepared with a tent,
chair, space heater, sleeping hag, blan
kets. plenty of food, hot soup, coffee,
hot chocolate and layered winter
clothes. The second person in line did
n't get there until 10 p.m. When asked
for comment. Enzies said, "I was the
only one in line for nearly four
hours...l felt like an idiot."
Students waiting in line were asked
how much their spot in line was worth
to them in cash. By 4 a.m., a spot at
the front of the line would cost $7OO.
Progressing toward the back of the
line the price got lower and lower.
After being told how many people
were in front of them and asked how
much their spot was worth, one stu
dent responded, "Zero" and left
immediately.
The bookstore line started in front of the door. It stretched through
the Reed Building and all around campus. Students were in line as
far away as the Junker Center, Ohio Hall and the Witkowski
Building. Those who did not leave frostbitten may have left tram-
"Point of order, what the hell are we voting 011?"-Zack Mentz
Ah, La Mort: Don't read this heretical article
By Bryce Sayers
contributing writer
hassoo4ovpsu.edu
A while back, the Behrend Beacon
had an editorial followed by a rebut
tal about the whole, "One nation under
God/Invisible with liberty and jaundice
fer y'all" dillio. Being a Prognostic
(Protestant who became agnostic). I
thought about this and realized that my
position is, "I really don't give a
damn." Whatever your position on this
separation of church and state busi
ness, you have to agree that there are
more important issues to resolve in that
field alone. If you're even smarter,
you'll realize that this country has
unresolved issues that arc even higher
on the political triage than even the
most controversial separation issue.
Now, if you're me and thank your
non-specific-not-government-spon
sored-deity(ies) that you aren't, you
have taken this a step further and come
up with a list that prioritizes the prob
lems this nation faces and how we
should solve them. Without further
ado. I present the top and bottom of
America's To-do-list:
1. Save Alyson Hannigan's career: this
woman deserves a better show than
"How I Met Your Mother"
2. Help everyone who's been hit by
these hurricanes, then prevent future
disasters
Get us off of fossil fuel dependency
End world hunger
Bring peace to the Middle East
Stop Global warming
6542798. Resolve the controversy of
putting "Under God" in the pledge
How do I intend to resolve these
issues that have plagued America for
far too long? It all starts with a little
prayer. We're going to pray to God
that Alyson Hannigan, better known as
"the band geek" from American Pie,
gets a part in something that doesn't
suck. Then, when her totally un-sucky
role wins an award, she'll thank God at
the acceptance speech and call him up on
stage to hug him. While his back's
turned, we'll have Blade sneak up
Many students came back from their families early so that they could save money on their textbooks and spend that money on the ever risin: cost of their tuition
Ilim..lisaszL.o.itiamitluiukAMs
behind him and put on the kryptonite
handcuffs.
At this point, God, who is only partial
ly incapacitated by kryptonite, will either
try to erase his memory with a blinding
r
I-
UM OR
The bookstore offered savings that students could not resist.
Anyone who wasn't one of the first 20 people in line wasn't going
to save 15 cents on their political science books. Only the first 10
customers got their binder/notebook combos at two percent off. The
best deal of all went to the lucky first three customers, who got their
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
flash or use his laser-eyes. Since Blade
always wears sunglasses, the neuralizer
won't affect him, but he'll need the mir
ror shield in order to reflect the lethal
beams back to the almighty.
7MININWC
le. Each week the
and a cartoon ! . . o
math books at only 900 percent more than the cost of publication.
The real draw of these amazing savings was the convenience.
Students could get their books without waiting for shipping. This
allowed them to get some of their books at a mere $lO more than
Amazon.com, only $5O more than half.com and a thrifty $llO more
than Barnes & Noble.
Michelle Vera Sum'
chase a . t :ecko anaund their
After he's stunned by the reflected
laser, he'll be taken to an undisclosed
location where scientist-like people will
strap God into the "programming chair"
from Clockwork Orange while it's
Friday, December 2, 2005
underneath a lamp that emits red sun
light. The team will force him to watch
a live feed of a pregnant-but-now
homosexual-teen getting an abortion
while playing Grand Theft Auto: San
Andreas with the notorious "Hot
Coffee" mod installed. The psycholog
ical torture will be so great that he will
have no choice but to give up his plans
for the flying car that's fueled by water
which he has been hiding from the car
companies.
After the plans arc verified, Blade will
return with MacLeod and shoot God in
the back of the head with a silver bullet
and then MacLeod will cut off his head
with Ramirez's sword to make sure he's
finished.
After the flashy death animations, the
Daywalker and the Highlander will be
awarded 999999 XP, 7777777 G, a bot
tle of ether and a toy train. They will
use the experience points for character
development and after they take their
cut of the G, the rest will be used for
disaster relief funds. Since natural dis
asters are "acts of God," then future
catastrophes will be prevented. All
seismic activity and heavy winds that
made travel on the Bridge of Eternity
impossible will end, allowing access to
the optional bonus dungeon, but that's a
different matter altogether.
God's refrigerator will be raided and
the contents which will be nothing
but a whole lot of leftover casseroles,
divided up amongst the underprivi
leged peoples of the world. Once news
of his death reaches the Middle East,
the warring factions will realize that
there is no longer a point to their Holy
Wars so they'll give up and all watch
the big game while snacking on a
hearty helping of taco pie.
As for God's other material posses
sions, scientists will discover that his
Celestial Robe is a great insulator and
will deflect harmful UV rays. With this
knowledge his clothes will be used to
patch up the ozone layer, effectively
shielding us from the harmful rays of
the sun. With the people of the Earth
shielded by "Godly Robes of Fire
Resist," the phrase "One nation under
God" will have to be changed to "One of
the nations under God's stolen laundry."
Thus the world is saved.