I The Behrend Beacon
Thumbing not necessary
By Chris Strayer
contributing writer
Readers may have noticed that several Behrend stu
dents have disappeared—one term they were here,
working diligently at reporting the news and raising
hell, but they left lor summer break and never
returned. No letters, no lMs. nothing. All we knew is
that they “went to University Park." or Main Campus
as it is known, and were never heard from again.
That changed last Monday, when Dan Snedden.
whose last article detailed the sumptuous conditions
of the aforementioned locale, staggered in. Scars
ringed his skull and some sort of socket around his
mouth made it difficult for him to speak.
"1 got there, in the room, and—even though 1 had
bought my books online —they said that the bookstore
there was cheaper. Like it was student run or some
thing. So I say. 'They won't believe this back in
Erie!' and send out an email. Anyway, we go on our
way. and bam. all the things just pop out of nowhere.
Next thing I know. I'm waking up in a lecture hall."
Dan said. “Couldn't have been sleeping, what with
all the junk hooked into me and being force-fed this
glop." He indicated the socket. "No clue what it w as.
but there was something about hydroponicly grown
manatees."
His last memory of Behrend wais taking his laptop
in for a checkup—Ethernet card was glitchy—and the
counter student offered him a “thumb drive." The
Computer Center employee claimed that “it's the lat
est thing, man. I mean, wouldn't you rather have
more memory? It’d increase your value t0...y0u
know, the value you get out of your college educa
tion." He produced a pouch and pulled out a plastic
sliver. which Dan accepted. "Keep it with your keys
Latina superstar missing, presumed dead
By Kandy Martell
contributing writer
Tragedy struck today when beloved Latina televi
sion star and outdoors aficionado Dora T. Explorer
mysteriously disappeared. Dora was visiting
Penn State Behrend in order to film a new
episode of her critically acclaimed television
show
She was last seen saying. "Let's go
vamanos; we can lead the way." Spanish
Professor Steve Smith translated her last
kn,own words and discovered that she was
most likely casting an ancient Spanglish
incantation.
Campus police questioned her co-star Map.
a professionally trained navigator with
degrees in cartography and mercadian studies
from The Vespuchie Institute of Technology.
“Usually if there’s a place you want to go.
I’m the one you need to know, hut I got lost.
I got lost. I got lost.” he told authorities.
From what eampus police were able to
gather from the insane ramblings of an old
and dusty scrap of paper, it is believed that
Dora and Map were headed out early on a
journey from the Wilson Picnic Grove to
Ohio Hall.
The trek involved going past the Studio
Theatre, up the million-dollar staircase, over
shark infested waters and finally ending up at
Ohio Hall. Things were going smoothly until
out of nowhere they collided violently with a building
southwest of the Reed Union Building.
“I had no idea it was there, man; it wasn’t on me
anywhere. What have I done?” said Map.
Map claimed that he was knocked unconscious
upon impact with what has been defined as Senat Hall
(a new structure which remains uncharted and there
fore is not located on any known maps of the area).
Map claimed that when he awoke Dora was gone.
Top 10 “Bes
lists” List
By Melissa R Whitten
contributing writer
10. Top 10 Irish greetings
9. Top 5 topical skin conditions.
8. Top 20 Top's Market grocery
receipts.
7. Top 15 spinning tops designs.
6. Top 27 pizza toppings,
5. Top 7 things that rhyme with
mop and begin with a T.
4. Top 8 tube top colors.
3. Top 10 pop bottle tops.
2. Top 80 ways to say "top" in dif
ferent languages.
1. Top 100 literal interpretations of
things.
or somethin', you know. No sense losing all
that capacity
As for the rationale for the name. Dan
demonstrated: he removed a heavy glove from
his right hand, revealing the sliver wired into
the singed and scarred stump of his right
thumb. Outside analysis of the device revealed
that it did indeed possess a modest amount of
storage capacity. It also possessed a coded
transponder w ith a 50-click range and two con
nectors. one standard Universal Serial Bus and
one apparently designed to patch into human
sensory and motor nerves, as had happened to
Mr. Snedden.
"It was almost like the perfect learning envi
ronment. They wired us up —whole lecture
halls full —and just dumped information in. We
were even connected to the Beacon server. I
noticed an article on thumb drives. So as to
warn the rest of campus. 1 modified the photo
caption. After weeks of being a slave to the
University, all the doublethink we did for those
papers paid off. 1 was able to realize that a
colon existed in the caption and had always
existed. After that, it was a small leap to real
ize that all the junk could disconnect to let me
use the bathroom. Out-thinking the goons was
difficult, but getting a ride was straight out of
GTA. And now we're going to tell the students
something they don’t want them to hear." said
Sneddon, dawning sunglasses.
Bob Fraun. the Manager of Campus IT
Services, claimed that the victims had agreed to the
procedure when they agreed to attend classes at the
Erie campus, stating that “Behrend students are
indeed a valuable data storage solution for Penn State.
After an exhaustive search of the Reed parking lot.
campus police declared Dora dead and continued with
their regular duties of waiting around to ticket unsus
pecting drivers.
"Nothing makes my blood pump more than running
Randy Maiu-11/THH HI HR! M> HI \('<>\
Map and Boots ponder Dora’s disapearance as a mysterious figure looks on.
up on a car that's just about to pull out and slapping a
ticket on their window. It just makes me feel alive,"
said one campus police officer.
Unsatisfied with the results of the search, the pri
mate friend of Dora and licensed private investigator.
Boots, arrived on campus. But even with his deduc
tive expertise. Boots gained little ground in the
search.
‘l’m blind out here, I tell you. Map is of no help
Your resident president
By Pat Webster
assistant news editor
Today we look into that most celebrated of government
institutions: the Executive Branch! This is the branch of
government that receives the most attention, even though,
constitutionally speaking at least, it has the least amount of
power. This is true; if you read the constitution carefully
you will see that the president may only use executive pow
ers on Tuesdays and weekends when Congress is not in ses
sion.
Similarly, the Vice President’s only governmental powers
are to cast tie-breaking votes in the Senate, serve as the
Emergency Back-Up President from an undisclosed secure
location and something mysteriously referred to as “balanc
ing the ticket.” Though this branch of government is shroud
ed in mystery and press releases, its grandeur captivates the
public eye.
This doesn't stop people from making a huge fuss every
lour years when an election rolls around, however. The
whole process of electing the new Big Cheese, though
always ol the White American variety, seemingly causes
more trouble than it’s worth. However, this political position
is so vitally important that it is crucial that the people make
an informed choice on the matter.
Which brings us to the crunchy-on-the-outside but chewy
on-the-inside beefy substance of this week's column: What if
we didn't elect any President? My friends, I would like to go
way out on a limb here and offer an answer: Nothing.
Think about it. What does a President do, mostly? Oh,
I QiVl OR
T
r
Dan Sneddon's mutilated hand is proof that thumb drives are
Why else would we take the trouble to build a facili
ty out here in the boonies'.’ Even the athletes have sev
eral terabytes of usable spaee. It's not like the
University, let alone the IT department, is here to ben
efit you!”
and the signs that should tell me where to go just con
tuse me even more. I swear to you. if I walk in anoth
er giant circle. I'm going to throw feces at someone."
said Boots, obviously stressed and bewildered by the
disappearance of his dear friend. Dora.
University officials, when ques
tioned about the difficulty Boots had
traversing the campus, said. "We
believe that Boots' inability to prop
erly utilize the signs is primarily due
to the fact that he is a monkey, but
this is only a tentative assessment.
Faculty council is currently dis
cussing the issue and an official
inquiry into the problem will begin
no later than 2050."
A break in the ease came when
Bools discovered three paw prints,
believed to be clues to Dora's where
abouts. haphazardly placed around
campus, as well as an unmistakable
and foul odor emanating from the
fire hydrant in front of Reed.
"I know this modus operandi. It is
no other than my arch nemesis. Dr.
Blue. Dora is not just missing. Foul
play is no doubt involved." said
Boots.
"Dr. Blue is a criminal mastermind. No man alive
possesses enough intellect to decipher his enigmatic
maze of riddles." said Boots.
Boots stated that he would not rest until Dora was
found, or at least until a suitable replacement was
located. Anyone with information on the where
abouts of Dora T. Explorer should contact Robert
Stack of Unsolved Mysteries at 814-666-4355.
sure, the Constitution says he is supposed to enforce the laws
of Congress, veto inappropriate bills, raise millions of dollars
for re-election, etc. But what does he really do? He takes
vacations, gives speeches that other people write, makes
guest appearances on late-night TV and so on. Everything
that we used to need a President for is currently covered by
our Bureaucracy. (Motto: Solving your problems, as long as
they are filed on form RZ-123zqtpie4 in triplicate)
Our modern bureaucracy was formed during the War of
1812 (which, as the name indicates, had its first battle in
1807). when British troops chased the President out of
Washington and Strom Thurmond was elected to Congress.
When the British troops left Washington (it was teatime),
President Madison found that the government, somehow,
continued to operate without his actual presence. This reve
lation was more earth-shaking than the incident in which
President Taft, weighing in at 350 pounds, fell off his horse.
Madison spent the rest of his presidency in the White House
private movie theater, eating his wife Dolley's fine cakes and
treats (available at a grocery store near you) and thinking,
"Boy. this theater sure will be great once someone gets
around to making a movie."
That's what Presidents run for these days, access to the
White House and all its amenities. This has been one of the
government's best kept secrets for nearly 200 years. The
Secret Service is, of course, the agency in charge of keeping
it that way. I bet you thought they had something to do with
the Treasury Department or protecting the president or some
other such rubbish.
I know it’s true because I read it on the Internet
Boots copied the clues into his con
veniently pleasant journal, but even
with this new information was still
unable to locate Dora.
Friday, September 23, 2005
die he Ik- V'eia Siimviee/Tlll-: BI.HKIiNI) HI \C()N
a sinister plot to turn students into circuits
QUOTE OF
THE WEEK
“If I’m going
to get my
share of pig’s
blood I want
him to be at
the prom.”
-Zaek Mentz
Facebook.com
Profile of the Week
Tyler Durden
Many Penn State students have
already met Super Senior Tyler Durden.
Tyler has hundreds of friends due to the
fact that he has founded clubs at every
Penn State campus. Tyler is also the
CEO of the very successful Paper
Street Soap Company, the most prof
itable soap company on the East coast
due to low overhead. With all this and
his two time consuming majors of
Exercise & Sport Activities and
Psychology, it's as though Tyler is real
ly two people. If you'd like to know
more about the clubs Tyler has found
ed, good luck, because he's not talking.
Tyler is currently working on his senior
thesis project.
hUp://psiiJacchonk.com/prot‘ilc.php'. , id=9333X3^
Editor's note: Faccbook.com Profile of the Week is a
showcase of creative profiles from the website
Facebook.com. This is not affiliated with the creators,
owners or opperators of the site.
Random Ramblings:
Hospitals
By Michelle Vera Suroviec
copy editor
So they put me in a hospital because
I heard voices. They said not to worry,
it was just epilepsy. I met some really
nice people there. They taught me how
to kill myself with a pencil. That’s
why they locked the pencils up there.
When I got my wisdom teeth out they
gave me all these drugs. I’d line them
up and make a rainbow. When I took
them 1 couldn’t solve Blue’s Clues
anymore. But I’m pretty sure that
episode w'as in Spanish. My brother
took Spanish in high school. His
favorite phrase to say in Spanish was
“1 like to disembowel my family.’’ He
was a psychology major. When he
went to Ecuador, he gave them all of
his clothes and then they liked him. He
brought me a pot. It was painted, not
shiny, so I couldn’t put it on my head
and pretend it was a mind reading
device.