I The Behrend Beacon Ravine jump successful By Jerry Pohl humor editor Years from now. people will still he recounting the ama/mg stor> of Dr. Jack Burke's historic, legendary, mythic jump o\ ei Bchrend's ra\ ine Die event was packed; despite the out door venue it was standing room only The lamp was set; Burke was tough as nails and w ith the sun gleaming off his unicycle he soared into America's heart with a stunt that left all in attendance speechless. "He went tip. and then he came hack down," said Brice Tandard 01 Astronomy. "When it was all over I heard a clap, then another, then everyone was clapping Burke was then hoisted aloft on the shoulders of those w ho had been w ith him throueh it all, and they carried him off into Behrend finds ways to save money By Jerry Pohl humor editor Bchrend's bloated run-away budget is straining the bandwidth of c-vvallets across campus. Between the gold used to pave the parking lot and the diamond dust black paint used to keep that gold in mint condi tion. Behrend is hemorrhaging money like a hemo philiac taking a diabetes test. High parking pass costs, price-gouging at Bruno's and massive bookstore monopoly profits just haven't been enough to fill the colters of Behrend's CEO. Dean. Several cost-cutting measures will soon be imple mented. Forks and spoons will be replaced by sporks at both Dobbins and Bruno's. The LEB will cut its poorly attended film series from the semestcrly budg et Even the Beacon w ill do its part by printing 75 per cent less issues, lessening the cost of recycling unread papers into paper pirate hats for administrators. There is. however, good news: Behrend could save 15 per cent or more by switching to Geico. Letters to the Editor and Jerry, control of the page is transferred invaded by freelance accountants and for a brief directly to the Ropical Corporation. Upon said period in the late nineties, became the haven for a transference, the page becomes null and void in reclusive author who, in accordance with a confi the State of Pennsylvania in accordance with dential act passed by the government of Sri the outcome of a poker game played on Lanka, cannot be named here without authoriza- Halloween in a graveyard with deck of cards tion from a man known only as Fnord. that was later found* to* have only 51 cards, one Finally, the page was created and given to an Thank you for telling me that this was a mes- of which was the red joker with the words "ace operative of a shadow government whose inis sage f rom one of the readers of the Behrend of spades" written on it with black permanent sion was to impersonate Luke Jones whose name Beacon. 1 coincidentally know several people marker despite the fact that the ace of spades was printed out by a supercomputer designed by who fit that description at Penn State Erie, the was still in the deck. rogue, dashing, bodybuilding, maverick scientists Behrend College. Further information regarding the control of to predict the future; but the page was obtained by In regards to your requisition to ascertain the page can be found at the Ropical Corporation the real Luke Jones when he dispatched the agent control/ownership of this page, hereafter main site located deep underground where it usurping him in such a complex way as to make known as the Behrend Beacon Humor Page, was meant to be buried along with memories it too pointlessly detailed to describe here, the details are as follows: The page is con- that certain well-to-do people would rather not By reading this reply you, hereafter known as trolled principally by one Jerome B Pohl 111, have resurrected. the reader, agree to watch the movie lshtar before hereafter known as Jerry. In regards to the ownership of this page, the the next full moon. When Jerry is unable to fulfill his duties of story begins in what is today Latvia, shortly -Jerry control upon aforementioned page, said duties after the first world war where an ancient relic {() The HlllllOr P