4 I The Behrend Beacon
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom
of speech , or of the press ; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances .
The Behrend Beacon
Published Weekly by the students of Penn Slate brie
Rim hi i ik i \i >
eacon
Penn State Erie,
The Behrend College
First Floor, The J. Elmer Reed Union Building
Station Road, Erie, PA 16563
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Letters to the Editor
The Beacon welcomes read-
ers to share their views on this page.
Letters and commentary
pieces can be submitted by email to
chrishvizdakC'gmail.com or directly to
the Beacon office, located in the Reed
Building.
Letters should be limited to
350 words and commentaries should
be limited to 700 words. The more
concise the submission, the less we
will he forced to edit it for space con-
Humor; your dear, dear friend
In the Spring semester
of 2002, The Beaeon estab
lishede a weekly humor page.
With wide spread student sup
port and a few detractors, this
page would continue weekly for
over a year. This original
humor page was canceled in the
Spring of 2003. For some, the
memory of the old humor page
is not a pleasant one. The edi
tors of the time received numer
ous written and verbal com
plaints about the content of the
page, both from individuals and
student organizations.
In the Spring of 2005, a
new humor page appeared in the
Beacon, very different from the
first humor page of years gone
by. The layout, tone, and con
tent of the page were changed,
due to the new staff of writers,
and their ignorance of the exis
tence of the previous page.
This new humor page
would thrive, and draw in new
writing talent. It’s currently
been around for only one
semester, but has seen great suc
cess. Minimal complaints,
encouraging fans, and a zest for
laughter have given the staff of
the page an optimistic attitude
for the future.
Founder of the recent
incarnation of the page, Dan
Snedden, has moved on to
greener pastures at Main
Campus; though continues to
assist and inspire those he left
behind. Photo-shopper, Chris
“Viz" Hvizdak, is having suc
cess with the post-production of
his First feature film; he will
likely be too busy to be as
involved with the page as he
was last semester, but as always
he will be where he is needed,
and will he there when we need
him.
Annie Sevin, Editor in Chief
Rob Frank, Managing Editor
Courtney Kaplin, Advertising Manager
Jerry Pohl. Public Relations Manager
Kim Young. Adviser
News Editor
Jennifer Haight
Assistant News Editor
Steven Finch
Sports Editors
Chris LaFuria
Opinion Editor
Chris Hvizdak
cems and the more likely we are to
run the submission.
All submissions must include
the writer’s year in school, major and
name as The Beacon does not publish
anonymous letters.
Deadline for any subm-ission
is 5 PM Wendsday afternoon for inclu
sion in the Friday issue. All submis
sions are considered, but because of
space limitations, some may not be
published.
Jerry Pohl
Humor Page Editor
As for your author, I’m
the new Editor of the Humor
Page. I plan to maintain both
quality and quantity, with well
written satire, parodies, and
jokes. I’m looking for a few
good writers; so if you think
you’re up to the task, email me
atjbpls3@psu.edu.
There will always be
humor in newspapers; be it
April Fools edition, humor
page, or comics, comedy comes
with the trade. A sense of
humor is second nature to a
journalist; it comes with the ter
ritory. From Ben Franklin, to
Hunter S. Thompson, a good
journalist sees the irony of a
story, and the allegory that leads
to parody. It is due to this that
humor in newspapers will
inevitably arise.
In my opinion, laughter
is the greatest thing we can
share, and one of the things that
makes us human. With all the
differences that all to often
divide us, it may be prudent to
notice that laughter is universal.
Other than an orgasm, nothing
feels quite as good as laughing.
So turn the page and enjoy the
OPINI ON
The First Amendment
Student Life Editor
This Could Be You !
Calendar Page Editor
Siobhan Conway
Humor Page Editor
Jerry Pohl
Copy Editors
Kate Kelecseny
Michelle Vera Suroviec
Proposal to stop extinction is absurd
Scientists have recently proposed relo
cating African species to the North American
great plains to combat their declining popula
tions. This proposal is an absurd fantasy.
While many Americans may agree that
preventing the extinction of any species is an
important and worthwhile endeavor, there are
entirely too many obstacles.
First, the climates of the American
plains are significantly different than those
found in Africa. Even where the ecosystem is
the same, comparing
desert to desert or gras
lands to grasslands, th
temperature ranges are
much lower than their
African counterparts.
Snow commonly occu
in the New Mexican
desert well into May, ani
the windchill factor m
temperatures below -5
°F common in plains
states such as North
Dakota. Stemming from
the difference in latitude Lee
between the two conti
nents, this fact cannot be
altered.
Additionally, there has been only limited suc
cess in reintroducing animals that are already
native to this continent.
This has already been attempted with
Beacon Thumbs* Up fie aeon Kiimßs B’own
-Thumbs up to all the the new plots of
grass; greenery is good
-Thumbs up to the new sidewalks; ramps
are far easier on the old joints than stairs
-Thumbs up to the Buffalo Road Sheetz;
finally a nearby 24 hour store that is not
“Co-Fair!”
Spoons are the source of evil
If you could be any kind of
silverware, what would you be?
Unless you’ve had a weird blind
date, you’ve probably never been
asked that question. But now
there’s nobody around to judge
you, so answer honestly. People
who answer knives are practical
and efficient. Those who say
spoons care about the guilty pleas
ures in life. Fork enthusiasts are
probably annoying, since the main
function of a fork is to poke
around and desecrate each food
particle. Some may argue that
knives are no better, but at least
these utensils of destruction are
clear and meditated, with clean lines and bound
aries.
I bet you told that poor girl whose heart
you broke during the first date that you would
have chosen a spork. A spork is a combination
of a spoon and a fork, or as some people would
say, the best of both worlds. Not many people
would be able to handle the responsibilities of
both. A person who would want to be a spork
thinks that they are clever and unique, just like
everyone else. This rare breed of so-called intel
lectuals, or gluttons for punishment, realize the
superiority of the spork, and have an attainable
goal to strive for, a life purpose. These people
can balance justice and mercy with ease, and are
obvious; they eat small children. This
would be an even larger problem with the
larger population of the United States.
In Colorado, the attempt to reintroduce
moose into the environment failed because
they were shot by overzealous hunters
within a year, despite prohibitive fines.
This would be even more likely to occur
given the chance at much more exotic and
attractive prey such as zebras or giraffes.
Lastly, the costs of such an endeavor
remain prohibitive. Relocating and caring
Edit oral Columnist f° r animals from another continent will
cost millions of dollars. While supporters
of the plan suggest that it will create eco
tourism opportunities, these will only last as
long as these exotic animals can be kept alive
and healthy, which will prove to be an uphill
V /
Michelle Vera Suroviec
timber wolves, moose, and some types of
bears. It seems impractical to attempt to save
species from distant parts of the world when
we cannot save those already living in our
country.
With American ranchers already fight
ing against reintroducing timber wolves in
parts of the country, the suggestion of includ
ing larger predators, such as lions and chee
tahs, would be met with a public outcry. One
of the reasons that the cheetah’s population is
so low is that they are treated as vermin
and exterminated in their native African
countries. The rationale behind this is
struggle
- Thumbs down to the outside left turning
lane on the East Side Access highway with
no pressure sensor - being late is bad!
- Thumbs down to snakes on campus near
Glenhill; not a pleasant surprise
-Thumbs down to the residence hall eleva
tors being turned off after move in day.
up to the task of being our
world leaders. Or else they’re
just posers. Posers are not
worthy of being associated
with silverware. Instead, they
are the dirty napkin after a hot
wings buffet at the local dive
where you took that poor,
innocent girl for a first date.
Simple-minded spoon lovers
will feel the peer pressure, so
they’ll praise the spork in pub
lic along with their colleagues.
This equals a vast majority
of the population support
,. ing the spork, or at least
bdltorgoing along with the principals
of all the spork stands for. If
five diverse teenagers can get together with
cheap imported jewelry from China to create
Captain Planet, imagine the power that is wield
ed when spoon and fork join forces.
Spoons are becoming obsolete. It is time
for the people of the world to embrace the new
technology. It is time to let go of our nostalgia
for eating cereals with a spoon when a spork can
do a better job. It can scoop and stab at the
marshmallows, which is what you’re really after,
anyway. Imagine the cost savings for restaurants
who need to buy two pieces of silverware instead
of three. Those cost savings are passed on to the
consumer, you, who enjoys a delicious meal at a
lower price while embracing the future.
Friday, August 26, 2005