ay, August 26th, 2005 > f 7-\ T""r —n r 03 I The Behrend Be
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{SGa} Friday August 26 through Friday September 2
Frid
26 Friday
10 p.m. - Comedian Justin
Kredible, Bruno’s
30 Tuesday
First Day of Class: Follows
Tuesday schedule
The Humor Pa
The page formerly
known as Improv
Dean to jump ravine Paid Advertisment
By Jerry Pohl
humor page editor
Orientation events abound this week, giving students a
chance to transition into college life and their new surroundings
at Penn State Erie. The Office of Student Activities has sched
uled a last minute, yet awe-inspiring event.
Behrend’s Chancellor, Jack Burke, will be thrilling ori
entation students with the most death-defying stunt ever attempt
ed at Behrend. On Sunday, before the Luau, Chancellor Burke
will mount his famous unicycle and attempt to jump the ravine.
Many faculty and staff are showing their confidence in
his abilities by pledging money should he succeed, with all pro
ceeds going to charity. A source inside the Financial Aid office
has confirmed rumors that there is an office betting pool in
Glenhill, with bets on a successful jump paying 3:1.
Police & Safety has hired extra security personnel for
crowd control, as some students are already camping out
between the Glenhill Farmhouse and Health & Wellness to have
a good view of the event. The Science department is predicting
perfect weather conditions for the event and the engineers have
verified that the Chancellor’s home-made ramp is structurally
sound.
The ravine between the Glenhill Farmhouse and the
Health & Wellness Center is the former site of the Mary Behrend
memorial bridge. The bridge had existed since Behrend was a
farm; back then it was part of a path used to move wheelbarrows
of hay from one bam to another.
In 1971 the bridge mysteriously collapsed in the dead of
'ARIES- You will befriend a freshman at orientation that eventu
ally becomes your best friend. When they transfer to Main
Campus next year you will be despondent, drop out of school,
and spend the rest of your life in various low level retail jobs.
They however will fmd a new best Mend, and forget all about
you.
TAURUS- Today you will experience Bruno’s cuisine for the
first time. Use brand name cookies and chips to ease yourself
onto a diet of in-house Behrend delicacies. Don’t be a hero and
try more than one new thing your first day. Your VIRGO- Skip Convocation; if you don’t, you’ll accidentally
will run out faster than you think, so remember, the longer the step on the Chancellor’s foot and in a round about way lead to
line is, the less likely they are to leave the register to remind you the bankrupting of the entire campus.. .on second thought, do go
that you have to pay before you leave. to Convocation.
GEMINI- You will wander off from the campus tour and find LIBRA- Your belongings will be destroyed, when a gang of
yourself in a small office. Due to an uncanny |»d Jocks ransack your dorm after burning down their fraternity
a weU timed traffic jam, a case of mistaken identity wifi land you house. Sick of living in the gym, you and your friends will start
a job as SGA President. Before the first day of Class, you will your own fraternity. After some crazy misadventures, your
have gone mad with power, fallen victim to will rally the support of all who’ve ever felt unpopular,
courtiers, and ruined the reputations of be poised for many sequels.
Don’t let it get you down, and learn from your mistakes; * ~ not seen your friends all summer, you will
always swallow your pride and come work for The distance, you see your until recently pregnant
CANCER- The first floor shout “who’s ihat skinny lady?” Only to And
smoothly, until JD, the
with wheels. After nearly
ram off bis boom box,‘put
|tbat brown bag, and dec!
Random Ramblings
By Michelle Vera Suroviec
copy editor
When my brother was a freshman,
they turned the dorm into a slip and slide.
They took hoses and sprayed the hallway and
Housing wasn't happy. The RAs locked their
doors and turned up their stereos, and at the
end of the semester, they all had a hefty bill to
pay for damages. My other brother never
made it through school because he thought if
he kept dropping out, he'd keep the loan
money. He lives in the basement and some
times invites homeless people over, so he can
brag about having a house. My dad never
helped out with school. He kept looking for
ways to make money, but my mom refused to
buy coupons off of him from the Sunday
paper. I hope he dies soon so we can all get his
inheritance; gotta keep up with the cost of ris
ing tuition somehow.
i.. mu mi imp
- ' : 1 ~ «*-»*•.&***..► - ' -
Behrend Beacon Horoscopes
27 Saturday
8 p.m. - Live music (Velveeta and
Dueling Pianog), McGarvey Commons
31 Wednesday
5 p.m. - Matchbox Players weekly
meeting, Studio Theatre
Ever since then the former site of the bridge has been a
favorite spot for Behrend students to test their metal on bikes,
mountain boards, and ill-conceived rocket skates. Chancellor
Burke’s jump will be the first official jump by an administrator;
though the practice has been going on in secret for some time.
Chancellor Burke has been performing such stunts for
years. His dare devil career started in 1978, when he stepped
over a crack in the sidewalk. His first major public stunt was in
1981, when he donned his trademark Elvis costume and jumped
over a puddle in the street.
By 2003 he had earned the nickname of “The Dean,” and in
March he rode his famous skull-encrusted motorcycle over a pot
hole on Station Rd. This was the stunt during which he sustained
the devastating stubbed toe, which many thought would end his
career.
The Health & Wellness center said he would never walk
again, let alone perform the stunts which gave his life meaning.
Jack never gave up, and with the constant support of family and
his diehard fans, he made a full recovery after over 2 years of
physical therapy, surgery and montages.
Now Jack “The Dean” Burke will be making his tri
umphant come back this Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Be there for
Dean vs. Ravine. Everyone at The Beacon wishes Chancellor
Burke the best of luck on Sunday, and will tun a photograph of
the event, even if it goes well.
"You determine your
own level of involv
ment" -Tyler Durden
Write for The Humor
Page
Contact
jbp!s3@psu.edu
Special thanks to Annie Sevin
Without whom all this humor
would be homeless, instead of
living comfortably on this page
The people who count will get it
night and in the morning students trying to use the bridge found
only a manatee, struggling to breathe. The manatee survived and
spent a brief time as a popular Senator on SGA until it mysteri
ously disappeared a few months later.
By Jerry Pohl
humor page editor and amateur plagerist
style” with all his rules. He will inform everyone that the second
floor is seceding from the building. Do hot join his revolution,
as he will soon pass out, leaving all his supports at the waning
mercy of a stem and exasperated hall council.
LEO- No longer living with your parents, you will go crazy with
your new found freedom and do everything they never let you
do. Enjoy it while it lasts, because on Monday you’ll find your
self back at homefor one more semester; 6 months if you tamp
er with the ankle bracelet.
thought it was. The woman will tun away,
tty explain, unless you like the taste of
«ego< \ ' ' -
' will meet your new Roommate for the first
28 Sunday
4 p.m. - Luau, Wilson Picnic Grove
01 Thursday
8 p.m. - The Behrend Beacon’s
Humor Page meeting, Reed 10H
How funny is your president?
Humor Page Editor Jerry Pohl interviews SGA
President Alex Henderson.
Jerry: What kind of fist will you rule with?
Alex: Blue and White Behrend Lion paw.
Jerry: No second term, any evil plans?
Alex: To make Behrend the new "Main
Campus" and University Park the Centre
County Branch Campus.
Jerry: Which campaign promise will you break
first?
Alex: The promise that we wouldn't break any
campaign promises.
Jerry: Who's on your enemies list?
Alex: Anyone who didn't vote for me and any
one who calls University Park "Main Campus."
Jerry: How fast does power corrupt?
Alex: Hopefully it takes at least a year because
there is no second term for me.
Jerry: Are bribes taxable?
29 Monday
5 p.m. - Matchbox Players E
board meeting, Studio Theatre
7 p.m. - Improv, Studio Theatre
Quote of the Week:
“This is going to be a
gooey sticky mess of
heaven.” - Annie Sevin
Ravi#,*
Sunday!
Sunday!
Sunday!
The Master of Mayhem!
Jack “The Dean” Burke
Jumps the Ravine
At the Ravine
Before the Luau
time. You won’t get along at first and in less than an hour the*
room will be divided down the middle. Later that day you will
unexpectedly save each other’s lives. Your differences will be
forgotten, but you’ll look back and laugh when you two are in a
sword fight on the moon 20 years from now.
CAPRICORN- You’ll find yourself panicking over your new job
as editor of the Humor Page for you college newspaper. You’ll
be short on writers and long on writers block for your section.
Taking a page from die playbook of your predecessor, you will
hastily write horoscopes as filler.
AQUARIUS- Skip class next Thursday and head for Club Rush
in Reed. You will join a club, and before you know it, you’ll
have a 1.5 GPA, no friends outside the group, and an office to
waste the best years of your life in.
PISCES- You will be unimpressed with the lackluster material
on the Humor Page in the newspaper at your new school. You
will join the staff in an attempt to make things better, only to find
that they have no talent and are not funny. You refuse to give up
ami take them under your wing. You eventually get distracted
and confused and lead them into masquerading as a Little
League team. Your team loses the championship, and you get
plastic surgery and move to South America, where you repeat
the same mistakes you went there to run away from.
Alex: Depends if you want to report them.
Jerry: Would you take a bullet to protect the
Zum building?
Alex: No, because all my classes are in Kochel.
Jerry: How do you punish insolence at SGA
meetings?
Alex: Well, we were going to install trap doors
under the seats but we haven't found the budget
for that yet.
Jerry: Without giving too much away, what
juicy scandals we can look forward to this
year?
Alex: Now, I'm not suggesting anything, but I
did spend a good portion of my summer in the
Netherlands.
Jerry: Now that your power is secure, any terri
ble secrets to reveal?
Alex: I live right outside of State College and
did in fact go to classes, albeit only part time,
at University Park.
02 Friday
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