I The Behrend Beacon
By Cubby Scoops
social anthropologist
Unlike the crappy “Resident Evil”
movie and more in the fashion of
George Romero’s 1983 classic “Day of
The Dead,” The Living Dead invaded
Behrend on Thursday afternoon.
Shortly after 3 p.m., innumerable walk
ing corpses inexplicably infested the
engineering building and began to
work their way southward. Shocked
students described the ghouls as “can
nibalistic yet amiable.”
Although a team of heavily armed
Zombie Response SWAT Troopers was
immediately deployed to resolve the
situation, the zombies consumed
numerous hard science majors as they
snarled their way toward the humani
ties portion of Behrend.
Acclaimed Zombologists from the
Perkins Zombie Institute of Lower
Waterford feared that the zombified
science and engineering majors may
have retained the knowledge they
accrued in their former academic lives
and may have been capable of con
structing and wielding complex
weaponry such as chainsaws and com
harvesters. This fear was later abated
when the engineering zombies failed to
demonstrate any useful mechanical
knowledge, as most of them became
harmlessly sealed in pools of liquid
plastic.
Computer science zombies proved to
be more of a challenge for emergency
response personnel. Although severely
impaired by their deceased state, the
COMPSCI zombies managed to maul
and consume many unaffected students
likely due to the residual self-hatred
they feel for enlisting in the computer
science major following the burst of
“dot com” bubble and the prevalence of
outsourcing.
Emergency personnel reported little
resistance when sweeping the Nick
building. Zombie Response Troops
reported that both business and math
majors have no useful “real world”
skills to make them physically threaten
ing. The same troops indicated that
COMM majors proved more menacing
as, despite their zombified state, they
retained the ability to speak in full, per
suasive sentences. Although these eerie
messages from beyond the grave
momentarily dissuaded the Zombie
Response troops, retribution was quick
and terrible once the “COM-bies”
Pope Benedict XVI is looked on as he looks on
Deep Thoughts:
Cemeteries
By Vera Michiru
contributing writer
Our first field trip ever was to the
cemetery. Basically if you didn’t
swear at your teachers that week you
could go. The cemetery was right
across from the school, so we had to
walk. They wanted it to be educa
tional so we spent all day looking for
the oldest tombstone. Instead we just
saw if we could kick them and knock
them over. A few years later I went
on a field trip with this other girl and
she lost her virginity on a tombstone.
She had good taste in music.
E DEAD WALK
steered the conversation toward the
“tastiness of brains.”
Several Police and Safety members
fell victim to the zombie horde, but
were quickly put down by exorcism
specialists who violently enforced the
supposition that, “The Earth is God’s
Earth and therefore dispensing parking
tickets is a sin against God." The
Police and Safety Zombies disintegrat
ed at the revelation of this profound
reality.
Living students remaining in the
Reed building managed to reinforce the
“glass ceiling” of the Wintergarden to
prevent entry by the zombies.
Although a valiant accomplishment, it
did not come soon enough for some
students, as enterprising COMM
majors were forced to stack a pile of
bound SGA officials in the Reed park
ing lot to serve as zombie-bait while the
buttressing was carried out. The SGA
officals were “proud” to finally serve a
useful purpose.
Upon reaching the Academic
Building, the zombie horde engaged in
an unparalleled orgy of gore with
humanities majors serving as the main
course. While many history majors
were consumed in vain attempts to doc
ument the tragedy, English was defi
nitely the hardest hit program with all
students, save a fortunate three, being
tom to pieces and consumed by the
wave of unbridled cannibalism.
Political science majors remained com
pletely unaffected, a phenomena
explained by anonymous teaching staff
who kindly indicated that the teachings
of Machiavelli tend to make POLSCI
students “not so dumb, like all the other
ones.”
The influence of the undead spread
as far as the Junker center where the
advancing zombies were contained
upon absent-mindedly falling into the
pool. The incident was resolved within
a period of two hours, however a full
scale investigation is being launched by
both university and law enforcement
officials as examination of the zombie
corpses revealed that the students were
not, in fact, zombiefied at all.
Apparently the average day to day
behavior of Behrend students was suffi
cient to trigger a zombie alert and war
rant their violent extermination. At
press time, the only comment available
from Zombie Response Troopers was a
suggestion that Behrend students, as a
whole “get a life.”
TUMOR
HVIZDAK’S PHOTO OF THE WEEK
Engineering zombies wander around the Hammermill building moaning the “We are... Penn State” chant. Reports indicat
ed that the zombie students attempted to start the solar powered car and succeeded due to their brainfood rich diet.
Papal conclave celebrates Hitler’s
birthday with election of Benedict XVI
By Cubby Scoops
World Class Journalist (ish)
The conclave of cardinals issued a
warm birthday greeting to Adolf Hither
this week with their selection of
Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger as Pope
Benedict XVI. Ratzinger, who served
in both the “Hitler Youth” and the
German Army during World War 11, is a
staunch theological conservative noted
for his condemnation of non-catholic
faiths as “deficient.”
When contacted during his 116th
birthday party on Thursday at his South
American summer home, former
German Chancellor Adolf Hitler
praised Ratzinger’s critical stance
toward other faiths and homosexuals,
but belied suspicion of the new Pope’s
position on birth control.
“All man-creatures not of the master
race must be compulsorily sterilized,
except for Urkel: he cracks me up” said
Hitler. Jaleel White was not available
for comment.
While the conclave’s selection of
Ratzinger edified Chancellor Hitler,
other notable leaders were less
enthused. Emperor Palpatine I of the
Galactic Empire issued a statement
declaring his “extreme disappoint
ment” in the conclave’s choice.
When reached by Holonet, Emporer
Palpatine described his disappointment
in more detail stating that, “My Empire
stretches over an entire galaxy, I’ve
exterminated countless trillions of lives
for my own amusement; clearly the stu
dent of a regional fuhrer like Hitler
deserves not the title of Pope!”
Palpatine concluded by stressing that
“One of my dark vassals would make a
far finer leader of the Catholic Church;
not some pathetic Bavarian, Gun-Gan
or Droid. And as far as those Wookiees
go; they can just fly back to Endor with
an Ewok under each arm. And further
more , The Force IS Catholicism peo
ple; get over it!”
A raging debacle has developed
regarding whether or not a former
“Hitler Youth” member is fit to serve as
head of a major world religion. This
conundrum has sparked concerned
o count »v
Catholics the world over to wrestle
with the question of just how much
Nazi could a “Nazi Pope” pope if a
“Nazi Pope” could pope Nazi. Having
endured Catholic school, many of these
same Catholics also accept the usage of
the term “pope” as a verb without ques
tion.
Academic circles have been ablaze
with opinion following the selection of
Ratzinger. Professor Bernard Martell of
the Institute for Nazi Pope Studies indi
cates that, “It’s a very exciting time for
those of us who study Nazi Popes, con
sidering Benedict XVI is the first Nazi
Pope and all. We just kinda hung out
and ate Doritos and stuff ‘till the other
day. Now I get all kinds of phone
calls.”
A brochure from the institute entitled
“What to do if the Pope is a Nazi” pro
vided suggestions on “living in a Nazi
Pope world” including the following:
-Do, not confuse the terms “Catechism”
and “Concentration.” Although they
both begin with the letter “C,” they are
very different experiences.
-Although babies are now to be bap
tized in baby blood, please note that
master race babies are to be baptized in
the blood of mongrels, not other “mas
ter-babies.”
-All crosses are to become crooked in
visual sense, not the metaphorical way
that most organized religions are when
it comes to fundraising.
Ironically enough, just as many papal
scholars began to expect the Spanish
Inquisition, the world is now being
treated to a German Inquisition as
Benedict XVI served as “Prefect of the
Congregation for the Doctrine of the
Faith,” a post known as Universal
Inquisitor of Sacred Congregation prior
to 1908. The German Inquisition is
expected to feature more thumbscrews
and a modem S&M techno motif in
keeping with German culture.
Benedict XVl’s cryptic statements to
the effect that he would have “made
Martin Luther bite the curb” continue
to draw mass skepticism. Time will tell
how the world adapts to a Nazi Pope.
Experts expect Benedict XVII to enact
a quick “reconsolidation” of the former
Friday, April 22, 2005
Papal States by the renowned Swiss
Guard mercenaries. Concerned citizens
of the world can always look forward to
the election of the next Pope, whom
scholars agree may likely be a surviv
ing “Branch Dividan.”
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