6 I The Behrend Beacon
Puppies to be cut
from state budget
by Adam Zewe
York correspondant
The Pennsylvania economy k in deep
trouble. According to the Bureau of
Imaginary Statistics, if the state doesn't
find a way to come up with $lOO billion
soon, they're going to have to cut happi
ness, rainbows, and puppy dogs from the
budget.
However, our brilliant state senators
are on top of the situation. There is some
kind of gambling bill bouncing around
the state senate chambers like Fabrizio
after a few fingers of bourbon. The bill,
which has a bunch of details I didn't
bother to research, will make some sort
of gambling legal in the state. This will,
"revitalize our inbred economy," as one
senator said before spitting into a Coke
bottle.
I, personally, think that bringing gam
bling to our state is a fantastic idea.
Anyone who has ever seen Guys and
Dolls knows how great gambling is, or at
least how whiny Marlon Brando can be.
The bright lights and loud noises of a
casino are representative of the majestic
progress of mankind. Unless you're
prone to seizures.
Think about all that gambling will do
for the state. The money poor, ignorant
losers toss on the craps tables against
ludicrous odds will all come back to help
those poor, ignorant losers when they
line up outside the welfare office. The
state can use the money from gambling
to build rehabilitation centers for gam
bling addicts, prisons, more police sta
tions, or even dig a moat around the state
senate building to keep the protestors at
bay. Plus, all the Pennsylvania State
Senators could get new Lexus's with
which to speed away from retribution.
The possibilities are endless.
I know many of you are still skeptical
of how beneficial gambling can be. To
those of you I say, "Go to hell." But,
Personal Ads
SM seeks F
Longtime widower looking for
a caring man. I've lived alone
for many years, unless you
count my cats: Fluffy, Dan,
Boots, Brad, Muffy, Dannie,
Socks, Aimee, Tuffy, Chris,
Cuddles, Jerry, Buffy, Doggy,
Chopper 4, Stinky and Randy.
Cat person preferred. If my
cats don't like you, there will
be no second date. Meow.
Al Queda suspected of Macintosh involvement
by Jerry Pohl
contributing writer
There's a problem in America. Certain people
think they are better than America and think they
can do things any way they want. Well this is
America and we have plenty of freedom, but cer
tain things are done a certain way here and that's
the way it is.
Some other countries have more than one lan
guage or multiple political parties; or maybe they
drive on the wrong side of the road or worship
the wrong god; but here in America we do things
a certain way and it's better.
This is America and when you're here, you
speak English, you celebrate Christmas and you
use Windows. There are certain non-conformists,
even here at Behrend, using Macintosh comput
ers. Someone needs to tell these people that this
is America and that's not how we do things here.
They say it's just a different operating system;
that they can do anything my American PC can
since they can't print that in a newspaper,
I \VIII use the example of Atlantic City to
clnVince Vlni further.
. t have never actually been to
( •Ity, hut I think I saw a picture
of it once on a postcard. Actually, it
might have been Pittsburgh. Anyway,
one day. a bolt of wayward lightning
struck an oozing puddle of noxious
swamp gas, causing a bubbling chemical
reaction. Out of this cesspool rose a fig
ure with a terrible haircut who would go
on only to be known as "The Donald."
"The Donald" brought casinos to
Atlantic City, which transformed the city
into a beautiful place. From the ritzy,
high-rise towers to the nuclear winter
like slums that surround them, the place
oozes beauty like an open sore. The few
derelict citizens who can muster up the
effort to come out of their foxholes and
rob you are actually very friendly peo
ple.
Atlantic City brings in about 23 tourists
a year, and over half of them come back
alive! Think of all the money those
tourists burn gambling in the casinos or
in the emergency room getting treated
for gunshot wounds or massive head
trauma. Atlantic City's cheerful slogan
says it all. "Come to Atlantic City: We
promise your corpse won't be sodom
ized." Wouldn't you love to see Erie
have that kind of happening nightlife and
tourist money flowing in?
So, the point of all of these irresponsi
ble lies is to convince you, the reader,
that gambling is healthy and will solve
all our economic problems. By legaliz
ing it, we will be taking the first steps
down the glittery path that made places
like East St. Louis and Dover the
Mecca's they are today. Despite the
crime, the drugs, the debauchery, and the
moral butt-raping that come with gam
bling, the monetary gains trump all of
that. Vote yes on gambling. Now pass
the Coke bottle, please.
... ,J;l§,-.:,
Male seem `
g.':,:...:....'.';..04141,c
SM seeking F
I am a 1337 CS major. CS as
in computer science, not
counter strike, though I do
pwn at that. We can hang out
in my basement and play
video games. I'm looking for
an 802.11 compatible girl that
knows hexadecimal. I can
defrag your system all night
long.
1 - 1 UM OR
do. Well I'd like to see them right-click
PCs that run windows are made here in
America, by Americans. Macs are made some
where else, by foreigners, who probably speak
some other language too.
Wherever Apple computers are from must be
worse than even Canada. Their flag is an apple,
with a bite out of it! Who would put a used apple
on their flag? Communists, that's who! Any
country like that is ripe for liberation.
This problem is more prevalent than you may
realize. Why even the Behrend Beacon itself is
made using un-American "Macintrash" comput-
Now we all know someone who uses a Mac.
Let me stress, violence is not the answer.
However, it is up to you to save your friend and
show him the way. He may resist at first, but
eventually he'll realize that a user-friendly com
puter is better.
Finally, to those of you who are closet Mac
users yourself, I remind you: if you use a Mac,
you're kind of a terrorist.
(ount ilLg.et it
The )Iwk.lhL
HVIZDAK'S PHOTO OF THE WEEK
Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendall prepares to cut puppies from the state budget
SM seeking F
Looking for a girl who likes to
dress as Princess Leia.
Captain Jane Way type per
sonality. Needs to be free on
Friday nights for Dr. Who fan
club. Anyone who liked any of
the X Files after season 6
need not apply. My mom can
drive us to the movies some
time.
Female
seenris
SF seeking M
I am a vivacious 18-year-old
girl looking for an older man
with the ability to provide me
with what I need. I like shop
ping, boating and big houses.
I know CPR if you have a
heart condition. I promise to
fulfill all your wildest, most
acrobatic and exhausting fan
tasies.
SF seeking M
I am looking for the type of guy
who doesn't get jealous. A man
who works and is not at home
much preferred. He needs to
be comfortable with the fact
that I have male friends. Needs
to understand that I am an
affectionate person with my
friends, but connect with my
lover on a more emotional level
and don't have to be as affec
tionate.
Friday, March 4, 2005
CHRIS HVIZDAK/BEHREND BEACON
SF seeks M
Must be six-feet tall with
blonde curly hair and blue
eyes, medium build. Must
drive red extended cab truck
and wear brown Sketchers.
Also must be very conscious
of appearance of both himself
and me. Must drink grapefruit
flavored water religiously.
Mother must originate from
St. Olaf, Mo. Father must be
an encyclopedia salesman.
Knowledge of no less than 50
ways to prepare herring,
including holiday specialties.
Name must begin with a Q.
Do not reply unless you have
your gold star from your first
spelling test in your position.
Do not reply on days that end
in Y, or in any month on the
solar calendar.