I The Behrend Beacon
Friendly mascot
enters Beacon
By Cubby Scoops
(not a) world class journalist
And the new Beacon mascot is (drum
roll) Deacon the Beacon.
Deacon, a happy lighthouse with a smil
ing face designed by Harley Thimplefeep
FIDFS 05, won an intense mascot competi
tion spanning nine semesters and nearly
four hundred entries.
"This is a great choice. I can feel the spir
it of Deacon pounding inside me," exclaims
Beacon editor-in-chief Dan Stasstinky
COMBA 11.
To celebrate this momentous occasion
the Beacon has purchased an eight-foot
high foamium "Deacon Suit" at a cost of
$ll,OOO using SAF funds. Deacon will be
featured prominently at all campus events
from orientation to graduation.
"Deacon will be 'finding glory' with
New Found Glory whole heartedly," says
Stasstinky, citing the first major public
appearance where the new face of the
Beacon will be present.
Deacon is expected to join the pop
singing group on stage to lead Behrend stu
dents in a much anticipated tribute to his
favorite music act: A Gloria Stefan Sing-A-
Long.
Deacon has truly captivated the hearts
and minds of Behrend students, faculty and
administration.
"The Freaky Deaks," a Deacon fan club,
has sprung up in Ohio Hall and the campus
bookstore reports that "Deacon is literally
flying off the shelves; students just can't
wait to get Deacon merchandise into their
lives."
Strong sales of Deacon items benefits not
Al Gore:Man, Myth, Legend
By Dan Snedden
assistant news editor
Despite the second inauguration of
President Bush, there are still many
angry Democrats holed up in their
basements arguing over the 2000 elec
tion and the legitimacy of the Bush
Administration.
These Democrats and other subver
sives are convinced that by somehow
showing that Al Gore was in fact elect
ed in 2000, the Bush Administration
would mysteriously disappear and that
America would become a socialist
utopia.
Recently, America's top researchers
proved that the Republicans and all
other patriotic Americans were right all
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"This is a great choice. I
can feel the spirit of
Deacon pounding inside
me."
only Behrend students but the community
at large as a significant percentage
(.037%) of each purchase is donated to
local children's charities if said purchase
is made on a Tuesday and is also an odd
numbered calendar day.
Perhaps an even better indicator of
Deacon's universal appeal is the wildfire
spread of "The Deacon Dance."
The new dance step cooked up by
Behrend students who just can't get
enough Deacon
"I see Behrend kids doing the dance
everywhere, all the time; between class
es, outside Reed 117, out in Hammermill
by the coffee cart during lunch time and
especially in the academic building
CHRIS HVEDAK/BEHRENDBEACON
Tuesdays," said Stasstinky.
When asked if Deacon will ever join stu-
Left to right Annie Sevin, Deacon the Beacon and Jenn Haight dance up a storm outside of Reed 117. Although
dents in their spontaneous dancing
police and safety has been alerted to Deacon dancing, there is no current ban on the act
Stasstinky mumbled in broken English,
"Deacon will be coming."
Stasstinky added that Deacon has truly
pushed his way into the life path of every
one and will surely "usher in a new age of
spirituality, cuddliness and kindness for the
whole world to enjoy. Even terrorists."
along; Al Gore is indeed a fraud.
"He thought he was pretty clever, and
to be honest with you, I believed him
for a while," said Professor Warren
Piece of the College of Political and
Social Controversy. "I did a little
research and after finding out it was all
a lie, I could have kicked myself for my
stupidity."
Sadly, much of the general public
still clings to the near propaganda spun
by the former vice-president. For
months after the 2000 election America
was left in the dark as misinformation
ran rampant.
"I had no clue that Gore lied about
it," said an anonymous source affiliated
with the Democratic Party. "He seemed
like an honest candidate, actually I did-
- •
Beacon Horoscopes
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HUMOR
--Dan Stasstinky,
Beacon editor-in
chief
By Jerry Pohl
of the Beacon's astrologer for a day contest
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n't think he had the mental capacity to
tell a lie, but he delivered it so well.-
Many Behrend students are dis
traught over this recent information,
especially those who voted Democrat
(or leftist) in the 2004 election.
"I feel like such an idiot for voting
against the One True [Republican]
Party," said Irving Washington CWRT
04, "I hate to say it but my dad was
right all along. Al gore did not invent
the Internet.-
A recent poll showed that 78 percent
of all college students still believe that
Al Gore invented the Internet.
"Our first problem is going to he
finding out who actually did invent the
Internet," said Piece. "Somebody had
to have invented it, it couldn't have
Mystery Link of the Week: www.spreadingsantorum.com
or Inventor of the Internet?
been a group effort. It's almost like a
singular vision. When I use Google, it's
as though there is only one person pro
viding my search results."
Some scientists speculate that the
Soviets may have invented the Internet;
this can be discredited however as the
Soviets were incompetent and any sci
entist who would say that must be a
communist.
"With the amount of obscene content
on the Internet, it's hard to believe that
Gore didn't do it just to spite his pro
censorship wife," said Piece. "But then
again, I don't think Gore would be able
to come up with a joke. At least one that
can hold anyone's interest."
The research team that discovered
the fraudulence behind Gore's claim to
santorum (san-TOR-um) n.
1. The frothy mixture of lube and -
that is sometimes the byproduct of vex
Friday, February 25, 2005
the Internet remarked; "It is difficult to
find who actually invented the Internet
as most of our research came from the
Internet."
The most unfortunate finding in this
study is that it may lead to discrediting
of the information found on the
Internet, and without the Internet, many
students, especially, Behrend students
would be at a loss for a trustworthy
information resource.
"We have a long road ahead of us,"
said Pierce. "It's bad enough finding
out that we can't trust a politician, but
also finding out that information on the
Internet is untrustworthy is just too
much. But if nothing else, we can at
least take heart in the knowledge that
`W' invented the World Wide Web.-