I The Behrend Beacon
Success
on `Try
New holiday takes the world by storm
By Jerry Pohl
staff writer
People have always tried and failed.
Last year, Feb. 9 was set aside to
honor those people and their efforts.
'Try to Fail Day' is a day to try the
impossible and fail. I'm not saying to
go so far as jumping off your roof and
trying to develop magic powers in a
matter of seconds and saving yourself
by flying away, but if you do wear a
helmet. Remember, 'safety first' on
'Try to Fail Day.'
On 'Try to Fail' Day you should try
things you wouldn't waste time on
any other day of the year. Do things
you wouldn't otherwise do because
you are sure you will fail. This is what
the few pioneers of 'Try to Fail Day'
did last year and they are just the first
participants in what is rapidly becom
ing a worldwide sensation.
Luke Jones applied for a job he was
woefully unqualified for. He didn't
get the job as an air traffic controller,
and nothing beneficial happened to
him due to his efforts, but that is the
very essence of 'Try To Fail Day.'
Phill Springirth proposed to a girl
who was way out of his league. She
rejected him with gusto and he's been
Beacon Horoscopes
By Dan &widen
assistant news editor and age-old prophet
ARIES- Today you will lead a hik
ing expedition consisting of your
self and your two closest friends.
At some point (I'm going to bet it
will ryand
at your frientis who Y are falling
behind you. While doing this you
will slip on a rock and fall into a
rather swift moving river. The only
word that you will scream as you
go down is: "Gentlemen!"
TAURUS- You will wake up feel
ing superb and ready for whatever
life dishes out to you. While going
about your normal daily activities,
people are extra-friendly, you win
a large sum of money in a contest,
and you look extra sharp. As the
day goes on things just keep get
ting better and better and by
evening, you have reached self
actualization. As you sit down to
the best meal of your life you hear
sirens in the background. They
become increasingly louder until
you feel as though your ears are
going to burst. You then wake up
and realize that it was all a dream
and that it's Monday. And raining.
And you are late for work.
GEMINI-Running out of staples is
the least of your worries after last
night's office party. My suggestion
to you would be to lay low for a
few days. It would-be a good idea
for you to stop listening to the
Village People. Their music may
be upbeat, but seriously, how can
you expect to climb the corporate
ladder using only your looks
(which aren't quite up to par) and
you're a cappella rendition of In
the Navy"
CANCER-You are not a prophet,
there is not going to be a great
plague. Stop it no*,
LEO-You may be in less than
desirable financial ,itraights this
week, I would say 'ym* best bet is
to sell some of your isuff on eliay
so You Cap have aloPlla money to
live on, however yoU , may want to
do so soon,' elk you:still lose your
Internet tenisoctioll TuesdaY;
V.
not an option
to Fail' Day
itione for a ) car since, much like the
year before his failure.
Such utter lack of success is the
point of 'Try To Fail Day.'
Bchrend's own Daniel Stasiewski
tried to buy a brand new car for a
mere $2OO by haggling down from
$25,000. He failed with flying colors
and got a flat tire on the way home
from the dealership; a true inspiration
to all who try to fail.
These are some of the heroes of
`Try To Fail Day,' and in a pathetic
way, they have succeeded. They suc
ceeded in trying where they probably
should not have.
The important part of 'Try To Fail
Day' is the trying, not the failing.
The inevitable failure is essential to
the cause, for trying to accomplish
that which you know you can, is only
accomplishment in the sense that you
succeed in achieving your goals.
When you try the impossible, you
succeed in being the kind of person
who tries, no matter how crazy or ille-
gal your dream is.
If enough people participate in 'Try
To Fail Day,' an unlucky few might
fail to fail, and actually succeed, but
they are violating the spirit of the day
and should he shunned.
es nationwide providing . an
unprecedented amount of dart sup
plies to the masses. Good hick and
remember to wear your seat belt.
LIBRA-,fter, a few stopurptvents
you find yourself in White with •
German lady and your friend
Marcus. After vandalizing a library
you and Marcus split up, you go
off to save your dad, while Marcus
goes off to make preparations else
where. When it's all said and done,
you've fought half the German
army, met a 1,000 year old knight,
and found (and lost) the Holy
Grail.
SCORPIO-The stars are way too
busy to give you a prediction
today. Well, actuallr ii they just
don't feel like it. Sorry, I'd like to
help you, but I'm just the messen
ger.
SAGITTARIUS-If you are think
ing about going to New Guinea
consider this: When you lami you
will unsuspectingly walk Into the
used car salesperson (yes salesper
son, this is a politically correct
humor page horoscope, I'm no;
bigot) convention. You will drive
away from that in a car that 1044
so many fumes that it creates
hole in the ozone layer directly
above you. As a result the temper-,
ature in the area rises to 1.50
degrees. Fortunately, you brougl#
some steaks with you so you
them on the hood of the cat
rt
ever the chemicals spowleg '63s
the car contaminate the food, ~or r
you get food poisoning that laata,
until you go back home>
CAPRICORN-I 41'-'
coal you thia
conventions are
the popular mull
are) hangs out.
in shame,
AQUARIUS.-
i WI Y I4II
song by the Squaws ,
is not the dawnint of 1 /1 0, 44,
AqUaliUS, nor is it the C 8 41444,
any age. The 60's 114***4-,get
over it. d ^"
PIKES. Th e
A brilliant ,
*IIIOIIIIY Al
ObviottalY, the
• wen
ti.°Til up
r
r
I UM OR
HVIZDAK'S PHOTO OF THE WEEK
In preparation for 'Try to Fail Day,' Jerry Pohl proposes to Behrend professor of political science Dr. Schneider (or C.C. as
he calls her), she rejects him and hits him with a stop sign. Shortly after Pohl was hit by a bus and stabbed.
Worst places to get stitches
By Jon Diurba
contributing writer
I consider myself to be a very athlet
ic person. You've probably seen me
jumping down stairs on a big mountain
board with big wheels. The mountain
board I ride is about twenty pounds and
using my feet I can lift the board to my
chest; which that means when my feet
are 20 lbs lighter I can vertically jump
very high. A pastime of mine is seeing
if I can jump over tall objects.
One evening after hanging out with
some friends we walked by a gas sta-
tion where I saw a pole. Upon seeing
the pole I had the sudden urge to ---
over it, so I walked up to the pole and
prepared to jump. I leaped off the
ground and as my right foot approached
the top of the pole my body reminded
me that I ran 5 miles earlier that day.
My foot missed its mark by about half
of an inch.
The world seemed to stop for a
moment at the apex of the jump when I
noticed that I was straddling the large
metal pole. Unfortunately, time
resumed and I landed wits. the pole
between my legs. I stayed there for a
second until the shock wore off some
pulled myself off and I said, "Man that
sucked."
Fortunately, it didn't hurt too bad, it
just felt like I hit my pelvic bone really
hard. We had planned on leaving and so
we headed back home. When I got in
the car I did a safety check and reach
my hand into my pants. I recall my
balls seeming to be really sweaty, as I
was pulling my hand out I was sur
prised by the amount of sweat on my
hand and when I glanced at my hand I
saw it was covered in blood.
The first thing that went through my
mind was, "oh s**t." I calmly and qui-
etly said to my friend, "Lee, I think I
ripped my halls open. - I turned on the
dome light and looked down at myself
in horror, fearing that my balls will
actually fall out of their dwelling. We
pulled over and I debated whether or
not I not go to the hospital, because I
really didn't want the humiliation of
having a doctor stitching my scrotum
together. I lean over to my friend and I
said in a deep seductive voice, "do you
want to see my balls?" and out of mor
bid curiosity he glanced down.
Upon seeing the horrid gash, skin
and blood he said "Oh God," and
turned away. As we drove to hospital
we managed to joke and laugh about
the situation but a serious subject came
up: What if the nurse who has to stitch
my halls up is really hot and I get excit
ed. I was afraid that with this much
blood pressure in this area I could
potentially bleed out.
Upon arrival at the hospital I, just
like any other person in horrible dis
tress, had to fill out 30 minutes worth of
paperwork just so they could save my
life giving halls. While I am holding
myself while filling out paperwork, I
overhear my friend Lee talking to
someone out in the waiting room. He
said something like, "Yeah, well he
landed on a metal pole and cut his halls
open." I stood up and looked out the
door at him and signaled for him to not
talk to other people out this. After all
it's pretty embarrassing. The worst part
was that she wasn't a nurse she was just
a patient.
After the paper work is done, I got
stuck in the lobby for 10 minutes
watching comedy central, which is not
a good idea if your balls are cut open
and bleeding all over the place. Finally
a nurse comes out asking for me. I
limped over to her and thank God she
Friday, Feb. 4, 2005
was not hot
In the room I striped down (but this
time without music in the background),
and get into one of those hospital
gowns that shows off your ass. The
doctor asked me what happened. As I
explain I realize the doctor is one of
those super smart guys that has never
done anything more athletic than read
ing hooks. The doctor just keeps look
ing at me like he was trying to figure
out why I was jumping over poles
instead of reading.
After the interview they laid me back
on a hospital bed and told me to hold on
to the railing of the bed. I figured if I
can hold on to the rail, I can put my free
foot there too. So they stuck the
Novocaine needle in me 5 times and I
strained as hard as I could five times
but halfway through I hear "ping," and
the nurse leans over to the doctor and
said in a quiet voice, "he broke it." A
After the Novocaine was over I laid
on my back and was able to relax due to
the fact that I was completely numb. I
thought about how funny it was that I
broke their table and then began to
chuckle. The doctor glared at me and
my chuckle swiftly left because I
remembered he's got my balls in his
hand and he could easily wipe that
smile off my face anytime.
When the four stitches had been
inserted and I finished even more paper
work I went home and told my parents.
I thought it would be a weird discus
sion, but since I always do crazy stuff
like jumping down sets of stairs and
mountains they weren't really all that
surprised. As for stitch removal, I
decided I didn't want to go through the
humiliation of meeting another nurse
and doctor that I would just take them
out myself. So I did.