The Behrend Beacon
Bruno's ghost
BNi ('obh) Scoops
not ('hris I Iv
Who you gonna call? Chris Hvizdak,
apparently! Thanks to Hvizdak
COMBA 10, the pesky spirit of Bruno.
the Behrend family dog for which the
campus cafe is named, will no longer
be terrorizing students who make use
of the condiment cart. The story which
was first reported by the Beacon last
week via startling photographic evi
dence.
Sometime after 3 p.m Wednesday
the ghost of Bruno reappeared once
again in "his" café and began to ter
rify and "slime" a group of hungry stu
dents taking advantage of the condi
ment cart's wide array of sauces and
mustards. Despite numerous calls to
Police and Safety, no officers were dis
patched as according to Subsection
5,4 A of the Penn State Policy Guide "
PNS does not recognize any malarkey
about spooks, goblins and/or demons. -
Enter Hvzidak.
Hvizdak, or "Viz" to his friends,
happened to be strolling through the
café in search of a "hit piece of a foun
tain drink" when he noticed the dis
turbance. With what bystanders would
later describe as "lightning reflexes,"
Hvizdak bounded out to the trunk of
his fire-apple red Pontiac Bonneville
Hvizdak selflessly defies death while finishing off the
ghost of Bruno.
ARIES- Relations with your co
workers will become tense when you
take the phrase "bathroom humor" lit
erally and make tasteless jokes about
the person in the stall next to you.
TAURUS- My advice to you would
be to give the lighter fluid and the kilt
back. I know what you're going to do
and I'm not afraid to inform the au-
thorities.
GEMINI- Your charm and cha
risma will go a long way. But all signs
indicate that they, along with your
Sean Connery imitation, will be use
less against the horde of man-eating
jump rope salesmen that you will en
counter on Tuesday at 4:28 p.m.
CANCER- If fortune is your heart's
desire (and it is, I know these thing's;
I'm a psychic) then it is advisable to
drop out of college. You have a far
better chance of finding riches by
working your way up to assistant
manager at your local retailer/food
service outlet. You won't be burdened
with student loans and an unwanted
child.
Unimpressed?
IlyoWthilikyou can . 'd(i•botte•'i::(ar).d
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'''''''''''":"''''si**ityititron , •the , road:ta , fame fur
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busted
! inc exotic equipment by
isle the ultimate solution
, RI : ,_!houlish problem. Upon
his return. IM/flak found that Bruno
had hacked Dan Stasiewski, COMBA
08, into a corner and seemed to be go
ing in for the kill. In a feat of mind
shattering bravery. Hvizdak drew the
beast's attention away from the de
fenseless Staiseweski by taunting
- Hey Woofie! How's 'bout you take a
bite outta me!''
Having set the spectre off guard,
livizdak continued this deadly dance,
ensnaring the immortal soul of Bruno
in a particle beam. The day was won
when Viz, after kicking over a few
tables, maneuvered the spirit over
what he calls a "ghost trap" into which
he succeeded in containing the poochie
poltergeist. Viz informs us that Bruno
will he incarcerated in his custom
made storage facility unless "those
namby-pamby, new-school parapsy
chology people have a touchy-feely
plan to send Bruno 'into the light', in
which case I'll turn him loose and they
can deal with the mutt."
The curious nature of Hvizdak's
equipment and expertise piqued this
reporter's interest. It turns out that
Behrend is not Hvizdak's first colle
giate experience; rather he has in fact
"earned degrees in psychology and
Beacon Horoscopes
By Dan Snedden
assistant news editor and fully licensed and accredited practitioner of astrology
LEO- Your mother doesn't love you
VIRGO- 43° 59' 19" N
28° 32' 02" W
21:15:35 GMT
'Baby sparrow's in the safe."
LIBRA- Your "friend" will disobey
your orders and insist on calling you
Dave. This situation could become
life-threatening; you should get out
while you can.
SCORPIO- Today you will wake up
and break your leg while getting out
of bed. Your day will only go down
hill from here when a large frog hits
your windshield obstructing your vi
sion and sending you carrening off the
highway and onto a landing strip. The
trade-in value of your car will be sig
nificantly lowered when a 747 lands
on it.
SAGITTARIUS- The fate of your
spouse is in your hands today. Inter
estingly, you will be unexpectantly
married at about 11 p.m. (you won't
see it coming until about 10:45). When
it's all said and done (assuming you
make it through it all) you'll wake up
[s'
. "‘• .
t) •a' .
.t•
',',11,111,N • • ,
4 1 ;•M
, , "LW•
„ s
7 r ki
4ZN4,3,
I IJ1VIC)
T
r
The • eo
para-psychology from Columbia."
Perhaps best explained in his own
words, Hvizdak indicates that "Com
munications is really just a hobby of
mine...l'm actually here on a fellow
ship grant, studying the impact of Arc
tic climates on telepathic ability."
When asked what he thought may
have sparked Bruno to rise from the
grave and harass unwitting students
Hvizdak professed "Well, you did put
the mustard wagon in front of his pic
ture. Perhaps he doesn't appreciate be
ing upstaged by sporks."
A triumphant Hvizdak proclaims; "I came, I saw, I kicked
a week later in a stronghold in
"Leningrad" thinking you're a prisoner
only to find that you are the lord pro
tector of the region. My advice to you
is to keep a crash helmet and duct tape
close at hand.
CAPRICORN- You may as well give
up on any romantic aspirations after
that Leningrad joke. Seriously, a
Leningrad joke? What are you think
ing here? You're going to die alone and
unloved.
AQUARIUS- Hey, I lost your phone
number after the party but I remember
that you're a Aquarius. I was the guy
wearing the green Hawiian shirt. Call
me, 814-217-2167.
PISCES- After a life of ignorance,
you'll realize that "The Man" has been
feeding you propaganda all of your life.
The only truth that still stands are the
secret messages you find in the horo
scopes of your college newspaper, but
don't look too hard because everyone
is going to think you're insane. The
stars say that you should probably go
into hiding. NOW!
an act of unprecedentl
its ass!"
ri
s
Trouble later arose when Hvizdak
attempted to collect the bill for this
little service. Walter Peck, head of the
Incidental Campus Finances Office,
was less than content to pay Hvizdak's
$lOOO "Containment - fee and even
less enthused with the $4OOO "Entrap
ment and Proton Charging" expense.
After Hvizdak threatened to walk
back upstairs to the café and "put it
right hack in there." Peck compro
mised, waving the gallant
ghostbuster's tuition for the following
academic year. This was apparently a
The Behrend Beacon's book of the week
This week's hook was recommended by staff writer (not Chris
Hvizdak) and amatuer naturalist Cubby Scoops. The book went
triple platium for seven months in 1982 due to the life-chang
ing foward written by the great Orson Welles. It is available at
used book stores, garage sales, thrift stores and online.
Friday, January 28, 2005
vanqui
satisfactory outcome for Hvizdak, as
evident in his stating that, "Now I can
just pocket that grant money and blow
it on black tar her...err... the ladies."
It is evident that the entire Behrend
community owes Hvizdak a tremen
dous debt of gratitude for eliminating
this ghoulish hound. When asked if he
had any closing comments Hvizdak
offered the following; "Cubby, some
times, s**t happens, someone has to
deal with it, and who `ya gonna call?
Me."
00 0 *