Amy Wilczynski
The Behrend Beacon
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the Behrend College;
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Station Road, Erie, PA 16563.
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ISSN 1071-9288.
Lefty does
This is my last editorial ever for the
Beacon. I'll be graduating on May
15th, and officially on my way to un
employment. Yes, I could get all sen
timental about all the good times I had
here over the last four years, but
frankly, it's not worth it. You prob
ably don't care to read a bunch of in
side jokes, like Toni Hanks in a re
make of "Back to the Future," so I'm
not going to give them to you.
If you want to be sentimental, fine,
but be sentimental about something
that matters. Something like Phil
Mickelson finally winning his first
major. I know what you are think
ing: Golf? Great, how exciting. It's
like watching paint dry. I have more
fun picking out socks. But if you
know anything about golf, you know
that Phil finally winning a major is
akin to the Red Sox winning the Se
ries, or me running a mile in under 10
minutes. It just doesn't happen. And
if it does, it needs to be noted nation
ally. So here is my running diary of
the final day of the Masters, a day also
known to some as Faster. Whatever.
I got chocolate, I'm happy. On to the
golf match.
4:21 p.m.
Live from the living room, where I
retired after a huge dinner. During the
course of dinner, I was reminded 14
separate times by my grandma how
good I look now that I lost 25 pounds.
This as I was reaching for thirds on
the cheesy potatoes, and fourths on
the apple pie, which was technically
dessert.
4:38 p.m.
Phil was in the lead, until now. He
just whiffed on a bunker shot, and
took a bogey. Yet somehow, that
goofy "I'm on heavy medication"
smile is still stuck to his face, like the
ugly is stuck to Michael Jackson's
face. Just kidding, just kidding. Mike
usually has to re-apply the ugly ev
ery morning.
4:52 p.m.
Phil begins getting fitted for his
bridesmaid's dress, knowing that with
Ernie Els shooting lights out, it will
be another runner-up finish. He says,
"I don't mind the dress, really, but
they always fit it too tight in the hips
for my taste." Somewhere, the
"Queer Eye" guys begin hitting on
women.
5:04 p.m.
In what can only be called the great
est coincidence in American history,
the moment Phil makes his first birdie,
my entire family decides to join me
in watching the show. I immediately
get bombarded with questions such as
"Who's that guy with the stick?"
"Where are the umpires at?" and
"Why aren't any women there?" I
resign myself to Phil finishing second,
and try to watch the match over talks
Editor in Chief
Lauren M. Packer
Managing Editor
Daniel J. Stasiewski
Assistant Managing Editor
Scott Soltis
Adviser
iILTHE BEHREND Cathy L. Roan, PhD
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A play-by-play
Ryan Russell
of who is seeing who, who is sick now,
and which neighborhood kids are
brats.
5:15 p.m.
Phil makes a second straight bir6ie
on the back nine as chasing a major
victory often drives him to do. I make
myself a second straight Jack and
Coke with a lime twist, as family get
togethers often drive me to do. My
grandma asks me if I would like any
thing more to eat.
5:36 p.m.
Phil makes yet another birdie, dos
ing to within one shot of Els. He has
two holes remaining to catch Els and
pass that bridesmaid's dress on to
Barry Bonds. When reached for com
ment about wearing the dress, Bonds
responded by throwing hypodermic
needles at the reporter. My grandma
asks if I would like anything else to
eat.
5:45 p.m.
Phil comes to the last hole needing
a birdie to win. Showing a rare dis
play of infinite wisdom, someone on
TV remarks, "He also can make a bo
gey to lose." Phil responds with
threats to have a "wardrobe malfunc
tion" involving his pants. He proceeds
to hit his second shot onto the green,
15 feet from the cup.
5:51 p.m.
Phil reads the putt of his playing
partner Chris DiMarco, which was
almost identical to Phil's. Michelson
proceeds to bury his putt in the jar,
winning his first-ever major. This
sends me to the fridge for another big
Jack and Coke, which I will bury in
ice. This is not my first major drink, I
must admit, but it sure does taste good
to win the big one.
Hope you enjoyed reading my ram
bling all year. If you want inside jokes
to end everything, fine: Clown shoes,
pudding pops, Rick James, I win, Co
ney Island, the DB, the family Taurass,
and clown shoes (a different set). For
the three of you that got any of that,
congratulations, you win a copy of the
home game.
Ryan Russell's column appears
three weeks.
• •
Advertising Manager
Ryan Russell
Calendar Page Editor
Rob Frank
A&E Editor
Daniel J. Stasiewski
Erika Jarvis
Supplemental Editor
Lauren M. Packer
advertising manager
Friday April 16, 2004
ea iv in the real mid
by Adam Massaro
contributing writer
The viewers were discontent with
television's decadent slide, fed up with
its generic sitcoms and lackluster
drama series—TV needed to evolve.
Like Athena emerging from the head
of Zeus, Marc Burnett spawned a new
breed of reality TV, one that challenged
its competitors to succeed and pun
ished their failures. Viewers became
consumed by the contestants' actions
and the consequences that followed.
These contestants have become
modern day gladiators, as they unre
lentingly fight to stay alive. Trans
versely, the television has become our
seasonal pass to the coliseum, allow
ing viewers to get involved in the con
testants battles as they compete to win
challenges and receive rewards.
Now, one could question if reality
TV has any real impact on the real
world and if it is even deserving of any
serious merit. But what if in fact this
open-armed acceptance of shows like
"Survivor" and "Apprentice" is reflec
tive of our waning desire to abandon
our sheltered lifestyles and return to a
life where our ability to succeed at
daily tasks determines our survival
success. Be it the workplace, the home
or the wilderness, survival would be
of the essence. This life would revolve
around competition and at the end of
One last lesson to share
Over the past year I have been writ
ing editorials for the Beacon on some
pretty heavy topics. l' ve aired my
opinion on everything from Starbucks
to "American Idol". Why haven't I
touched upon such heavy topics as
politics and school controversy'?
Mainly because newspapers need a
little fun in them, and I don't feel that
on topics such as politics that how I
feel should be published.
With that said, it you haven't read
my column before, then let me go over
a few things that I have discussed in
previous issues of the Beacon.
First, I started off my editorial ca
reer with a nice long discussion about
communication majors. Communica
tion majors often get flack for having
the so-called easiest major here at
Behrend. Since writing this article I
have come to realize that people find
that it's easy to make fun of commu
nication majors because they're jeal
ous and wish that they had chosen that
route earlier.
I know plenty of people who have
originally started out their college ca
reer in biology, chemistry and many
other "hard - majors. These people
have then switched over and now are
in majors like media studies, journal
ism and communications. Why these
major switches'? Probably because
every one is starting to see how much
fun we all have in our communication
classes and we're just cooler, too.
Next editorial I tackled the task of
Thanksgiving and what the holidays
mean to me. To many people it's the
time to be with family, and give thanks
for the many things we have in our life.
Me? I'm thankful for Starbucks.
Yup, I said Starbucks. I mean at
what time of the year, other than the
holidays, can you find such great,
yummy drinks like a Gingerbread
Latte? Even better Eggnog Lattes are
out in full force during the winter sea
son. I know it sounds crazy to think
that I'm thankful for Starbucks around
the holiday time, but it's true. The
warm, cozy atmosphere the store pro
vides with that cinnamon smell linger
ing in the air, all these things get me
ready for the Holidays. With that said,
I'm also thankful for Grande Espresso
Frappuccinos.
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and make sure
the day there would be a clear separa
tion between the winners and the los-
Strong ratings for reality TV pro
gramming show that viewers support
the competitive atmosphere that real
ity TV epitomizes. This support tells
me that we can handle being fired by
Donald Trump, berated by Jeff Probst
and handle the pressure of constantly
being expected to outperform our
peers. These pass or fail methods are
not cruel and demeaning punishment
but effective methods to accurately
judge one's capabilities.
These proven techniques of reality
TV should be more closely mirrored
in the real world. These methods pro
vide a platform for contestants, who
demonstrate desire and acumen for
succeeding in both group and indi
vidual competitions to emerge as lead
ers. It is a rigorous system that could
be used in the real world to more ac
curately evaluate one's overall ability.
If college was more like "The Appren
tice," students would apply themselves
more intensively. If "you failed"
turned into "You're fired," it would
turn the pressure directly on the stu
dents to succeed.
Consequently, in our current state we
are not feeling the pressure to succeed
and are not hungry enough. Everyone
is a loser, when everyone is considered
a winner. No one is winning when we
Erika Jarvis
A few issues later I wrote an article
hoping to teach students here at
Behrend a little bit about the bath
room. If you're baffled at what I could
possibly be teaching 20-year-olds
about the bathroom, then you obvi
ously missed my column.
I had found myself in a few awk
ward bathroom incidents around cam
pus and was appalled by the behav
ior. I then felt it was my duty to give
the campus a little lesson about bath
room etiquette.
Just a few little reminders about
when you are in a public restroom,
always shut the stall door. Let's not
recap that scary day 1 had in the bath
room but let me just tell you: bath
room doors have a lock on them FOR
A REASON. Next, if you find some
one in the stall next to you calling out
for paper, be a good bathroom buddy
and hand them a wad. Also, don't for
get: wash your hands, nothing is worse
than seeing someone walk out of the
bathroom and not wash their hands.
Ew, kids, ew.
Lastly, I discussed one of my favor
ite reality shows, "American Idol". We
won't he in school when the final win
ner is announced, but just remember
that I feel it will either be John Paul
Lewis, Diana DeGarmo or Jasmine
Trias. Since this editorial was pub
lished, these three are still on the show.
Can I call it or what?
Yet, now that I have caught you all
up to date on my editorials, I cannot
leave it like this. As I move on in my
college career to University Park I'd
like to leave you all with one last les
son: Fashion.
What makes a sophomore think that
she has any right to discuss fashion?
e-mail The Beacon at behrcoll2©aolcom
include . T name and semester standi
A& E editor
The Behrend Beacon
are more focused on discouraging fail
ure than promoting success. The pros
pects of the 1990 s feel-goodology just
don't get that. Intense competition is
the best way to allow the cream of the
crop to rise to the top.
This transition would mark a turn in
the tides from a system that accepts sat
isfactory achievements to one that de
mands success. Instead of rewarding
failure and second chances, why not
create an atmosphere that promotes a
need to succeed or •go home. It would
turn the spotlight onto the individual,
requiring them to be held responsible
for their actions and justify their out
put.
We are no different than the reality
TV competitors that we watch week in
and week out. We are all competitors
in life; yet as a whole we do not seem
to have the same urgency to succeed
as our reality TV counterparts. It is the
circumstances in which these compe
titions take place that exemplify this
intense desire to succeed.
Shows like "Survivor" and "The
Apprentice" show us that competition
breeds winners; however, our society
is beginning to lose that first-blood
competitive nature.
Adam Massaro's column appears
every three weeks
Well, I did intern this past summer at
VH I in the Fashion Department so I
feel that's reason enough tor me to dis
cuss this issue. Don't worry; I'm not
going to talk about big name designers
with names that no one can pronounce.
I'm going to talk about college lash-
First off, sweats are the best things
ever invented. Nothing's better than
waking up, throwing on sweats and
heading off to an early morning class.
Best part about sweats is that you can
wear what ever kind of shoe you want
with them, clogs, sandals, Dr. Martens
and even running shoes if you're feel
ing crazy.
Speaking of sandals, from the ages
of 18-22 it is perfectly acceptable to
wear sandals with socks. This goes for
any type of sandals, athletic sandals and
even nice brown leather sandals. In this
Erie weather you have to be prepared
and the socks help you out in that de
partment.
Erie weather, it's crazy isn't it? You
never know if it's going to he 70 de
grees out or 20 degrees and snowy. The
snow is the main reason you see these
nice white lines on the hack of
everyone's jeans. All the salt on the
ground really starts to kill your jeans
and forces you to do laundry just about
every other day. I got word of a way of
washing your jeans without spending
any money.
Next time you find yourself in this
salt/jean situation, you can wash your
jeans in the sink with laundry detergent
and get the salt out of your jeans. Make
sure you get all the soap out and throw
the jeans in the laundry. Your jeans
come out just as clean as if you had
spent the $1.60 for the washing ma
chine.
With all of that said and a lone tear
on my cheek, I'm done. This is my last
editorial for the Beacon as I move on
to University Park. Don't worry if you
all really start to miss me and the little
bit of humor I add to this page you can
write the Beacon and tell them you just
have to have me back. If you're all
lucky, I'll correspond from University
Park and fill you in on all the craziness
down there.
Erika Jarvis' column appears
every three weeks.
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