My brain,
nation, is
I watch reality TV in order to escape
from reality
You see, I used to take mind-altering
drugs to escape from reality, but then I
learned my drug money was supporting
terrorists. I quit cold turkey.
Anyhow, this week Joe Millionaire
gave me a reason to
believe in the beauty
of the human race. It
turns out that a good
looking guy with a
rock-hard body and
the personality of an
ape will triumph over
a good-looking guy
with a rock-hard body
with $5O million any
day. Who says ro-
mance is dead?
After the show I
was so overwhelmed
with love, I decided to
go out and look for a
woman of my own. I figure I havelvay
less money than Joe Millionaire and I
am about half as stupid, so I thought I
had a good chance at making my own
love connection.
Unfortunately, on the way to the adult
video arcade (by the way, there are no
video games there) my SUV ran out of
gas.
I was appalled when I saw the price
of gas. I thought to myself, "Who the
hell do you have to bomb around here
to get a decent price on gasoline?"
Oh yeah, I forgot.
See, I used to be against a war on Iraq.
But Colin Powell's power point presen
tation convinced me. It is obvious that
Saddam Hussien is up to no good. Sure,
he hasn't attacked us, yet. But why take
a chance?
But we can't go to war because the
French don't support us? Well, let me
tell you something. The French are a
bunch of Mary Andrews. Why do we
need to listen to what the French say,
You're
night.
your children?
All of us who grew up in the 80s have
known that Michael Jackson has been
about five Bud Lights short of a six pack
for at least the past 10 years. Recently he
revealed that he enjoys sleeping next to
little boys in bed. The documents that have
been released (smokinggun.com) regard
ing his child molestation suit are bound
to make anyone's stomach churn. And yet,
he is still allowed to raise three children.
I don't care who he is or how much money
he has; how dare he be permitted to sub
ject these kids to his ways.
Obviously, not everyone should be a
parent, yet unfortunately there is no
screening test available to decide who
should be allowed to reproduce and who
shouldn't. Yesterday, I was watching
Maury; the topic revolved around 8-year
old kids who were abusive and disrespect
ful to their parents. One little girl, who
looked like a complete angel, admitted to
smoking cigarettes.
Maybe I'm a little sheltered, but I could
never imagine my 8-year-old sister light
ing up a Marlboro. Aren't 8-year- olds
supposed to play with Barbies? Don't they
watch Spongeßob, instead? But the moth
ers sat on stage weeping, claiming that
they couldn't control their children. Well,
why the hell not? Can't a grown woman
control a 70 pound, four-foot child?
Ok, maybe I don't have kids of my own
so I can't fully appreciate the difficulty of
being a mother, but I have watched my
own mother raise four kids. None of us
smoke, steal, or beat her up. She obviously
did something right, and I'd really like to
know what her secret is just in case I have
children some day.
It seems that parents aren't willing to
accept the responsibility of their offspring.
I hate it when I'm in Wal Mart at 3 a.m.
like the
divided on Iraq
Kevin Fallon
at dollar shot
So, where are
Paige Miles
So maybe bad parenting is one of the
biggest problems in this world. If a par
ent can't handle a child, that child should
be given up for adoption. There are so
many stable, loving couples who would
love to parent an American newborn.
When those of you who don't already
have children plan on it, take care of them.
Love them. Pay attention to them. They
haven't messed up their lives yet; don't
let them.
anyhow? What are they going to do?
Snob us to death?
We are the United States of America,
dagnabit. What is the point of being the
most powerful country in the world if
you have to listen to the French? Just
remember how the
French messed up
pizza. That's right,
French bread pizza.
What the heck is that?
Doesn't anyone real
ize we are on Orange
Alert? Orange, for
goodness sakes.
Homeland security di
rector Tom Ridge ad
vises to stock up on
duct tape (to seal a
room in case of bio
logical attack) and
bottled water (because
it just tastes better than
I don't know about you. But I have
been duct taped inside my bedroom for
the last week and I really have to go to
the bathroom from all that bottled wa
ter. I am sick of living in fear.
If there was another option besides
war, I would be for it. I don't think there
is a choice. Hussein has to be removed
from power. It is unlikely he will step
down. It is unlikely he will suddenly
become a nice, trustworthy guy like Joe
Millionaire.
Much of the international community
is against this war. I haven't heard any
options besides giving the inspectors
more time. True, inspections must take
place in Iraq. But then what? Some
thing has to be done some time.
Honestly, I hope this conflict can
somehow be resolved without war.
Since they say duct tape can fix any
thing, why not just duct tape Iraq? Prob
lem solved.
Maybe it could work on the economy
and I see a parent with their children in
tow. These kids should be in bed. I would
love to give the parent the benefit of the
doubt, but this happens more often than
not. When I was 8.1 was in bed by 9 p.m.
every night (unless "Doogie Howser" was
on...that was my treat night).
I recently turned 21. I've seen people
my age who I know have children out at
the bar on any given day of the week. Of
course, these parents are allowed to have
fun once in a while and get away from
their children. But it becomes wrong
when the parents are out every night of
the week, blowing their money while the
child sits home with a babysitter. Some
of these children don't even recognize
who their real parents are.
And couldn't the money spent on mas
sive amounts of alcohol be much better
spent on feeding and clothing the child—
especially when the parent collects gov
ernment assistance? Honestly, if I had a
child at this age, and decided not to give
it up for adoption, I wouldn't be spending
my money on frivolous crap. I would re
alize that the child comes first in all things
I do.
~~~:.
33 ~"~
~~~ S .
K
Friday, February 28, 2003
5 Reasons Wh ...
NASCAR racing
for rednecks, anymore
For a long time there was a
stereotype that almost all NASCAR
fans are 'rednecks' who wear
camouflage Dale Earnhardt hats and
drink Busch beer. Though racing
was dominated by one class of people
in the past, it is rapidly becoming
more popular to all people. Here are
five reasons why:
1. Speed. Most people with a
driver's license have sped at one time
or another. Many do every day.
Some push the limits as to how fast
they can get away with driving, but
this can he costly. Personally, 1 got
caught going lOU miles per hour and
it cost me a decent chunk of money
and my license for 75 days. Hut I
got off easy. Many people are
involved in high speed accidents and
do not live to tell about it.
This is where the fine folks at
NASCAR come into play. You get
to watch people go between 100 and
200 miles per hour with no risk of
being pulled over and only a chance
of being seriously injured.
2. Road rage. Nascar is also a good
outlet to view road rage. Again, most
people experience road rage, some
every day. When some idiot is going
40 in a 45 and you just can't get
around him, you're going to be angry.
When you're on 1-80 and someone
cuts you off, you're going to be mad.
The same things happen in
NASCAR, except they don't get
mad, they get even.
If Dale Jarrett was to bump Sterling
Marlin for not letting him pass, then
Jarrett is going to get bumped later.
If Bobby Labonte is trying to pass
low and Jeff Gordon comes down
and cuts him off, Gordon is going to
get hit. It has been a trend in recent
years to even go after people once
the race is over. Last year's points
champion Tony Stewart got mad and
slugged a few people for various
reasons. One driver even walked
onto the track while the other cars
Ir l ri r'
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were still driving, and threw
equipment at the driver who wrecked
him. Again, the drivers are doing
what we wish we could on the road.
3. Tony Stewart Tony Stewart is
following the road paved by Dale
Earnhardt before him. He has two
huge groups of NASCAR fans
follow him. Half Of
Scott Soltis
them think he is God's gift to racing,
others feel he is the devil himself. As
many watch Stewart race on Sundays
to hope he wins, other watch to see
him lose or get wrecked.
In this way NASCAR is popular
for the same reason the WWE was
immensely popular a few years ago
when it was still the WWF. Pro
wrestling was popular because
people loved the good guys and
loathed the bad. There were also
those who pulled for the rebellious
bad guys and so big fan bases were
formed.
Love him or hate him, Stewart is
the defending Winston Cup
Champion and this only adds fuel to
the fire. He is a great driver and as
long as he is near the top, the battle
will continue.
4. Dale Earnhardt Jr. Tennis has
Anna Kournikova, NASCAR has
`Little E'. The difference is
Earnhardt is actually good and wins.
idea for an article?
The Behrend Beacon
,
-t1,;:.:?,
IMINEMM=MI
• Kgr (VW,
isn't just
Just as guys love to watch
Kournikova, many women are just
as fascinated by Earnhardt. Despite
the fact that Stewart won the P o ints
Championship last year Earnhardt
has been prominently featured on
many Of the 2002 season recaps and
2003 previews.
Also, you have to admire his
courage to race. flow inane
people could honestly work
alongside their father, watch him
die at work, and continue the
profession'? You would
have to I
heartless to not feel had for what
has happened to him. Despite the
tragic loss of his father at Daytona.
Earnhardt Jr. continues to race his
heart out showing virtually to
fear. For that he deserves much
respect even from his harshest
Critics
5. The NHL. and M 1.13 IL'
weakness of our "national
pastime"
given NASCAR a big howd.
Forbes ranked the value of all of the
pro sports teams of the NIL, NMI..
MLB, and NBA. The bottom 2u
teams on the list included 16 NM
teams and four from MLB. The lack
of money flowing into these sport ,
has left the door wide open foi
NASCAR.
The NHL and M 1.13 are both
talking about contraction of then
bankrupt teams. Those two sports al t.•
shrinking, and Nascar is growing.
Drivers are getting younger and
younger, attracting more and non:
female fans. Successful drivers are
emerging from places other than the
deep South, which attracts nli
we :an.
from the North and West. As these
trends persist NASCAR v, ill
continue to grow out of its redneck
roots into the mainstream of spwr,
culture
5
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Page 5
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