Page 6
The Behrend Beacon
BEN TITUS
Death at Dobbins
Recently four students were found
dead at the Dobbins gazebo, but
Behrend covered the situation up.
Many questions surrounded the death
of these students, and the coroner was
called in. People assumed everyone
died from the poor quality food, but
only one of these deaths was related
to the food, he died from a blown o
ring.
The other three students froze to
death; which created two realizations
for me. One: it’s freaking cold in
Dobbins and two: what a great movie
that would create. The story would be
a group of friends who decided to see
who could eat the most tacos during
taco bar.
The only flaw in this brilliant plan
is that they decided to eat in the gazebo
because it is only 10 degrees back
there. Whoever planned it should have
thought of insulated windows or
something. But back to the story, the
group of friends is back there eating
and are on taco number 20 when their
tummies start to rumble. We all know
this feeling after Dobbins. Well, as the
contest goes on, the one kids o-ring
blows, and he drops dead right there
on the table. This worries the rest of
the group, but, instead of seeking help,
they continue the contest. These kids
mean business when it comes to eating
tacos. Well eventually they all freeze
to death, and it’s the end of the movie.
A side note to this movie is one of the
kids is over weight and has a gas
problem. This is why no one else was
in the back of Dobbins to help the kids
as they froze Whenljhcpgit
of this movie idea from the Dobbins’
tragedy it also gave me a couple other
movie ideas.
The next idea for a film involves
three friends who just finished their
senior year of college. They decide to
take a car trip across the nation to the
West Coast. On their way to the West
Coast Railway Heritage Museum in
Squamish, British Columbia they
encounter a little problem. It seemed
like a harmless prank on some random
trucker, but little did they know this is
how Unsolved Mysteries start The
trucker was now after the group of
cids, and there was nothing they could
do but urinate in their own pants or in
each other’s pants, if they were
rotating pants.
I know what you’re thinking right
now, this story seems awfully familiar.
Well I have a little twist to this story. I
did not tell you about the three people
riding in the car. The first person in
the car is blind, the second person is
deaf and has no arms, and the thirc
person has no arms or legs. What zany
adventures will they get into? I can’t
wait to find out.
My final movie idea takes place in
the cold snowy state of Minnesota. On
a cold snowy night after his first career
lost an arrogant, hot-shot lawyer is
driving drunk and gets pulled over.
Well the funny thing is, his second loss
comes defending himself in a court of
law. He is issued community service
where he has to coach a group of no
talent, no-luck peewee hockey players.
He gains their trust and respect and
leads them to the city championship
with the help of their large heir to a
deli goalie named Goldberg end the
slap shot of the next Gretzky named
Adam Banks. There is a little
controversy behind Banks because he
had to move from the champion
Hawks team because a movement of
the city lines for teams. Well in the
end, it’s Banks who defeats the Hawks
in overtime of the championship. This
game also brought to light the famous
flying V. I personally think this game
could be made into the greatest sports
movie in the history of film and with
tons of potential for sequels.
mm mam mm niiyiiA Iff*
' B B HUWORff JfcL
Friday, January 31th, 2003 JHbHIH
UJSSSLJ Dudes with Mustaches Month
Michael Butala
Beer is a versatile tool that many ado
lescent males, and females I’m told,
drink irresponsibly at functions society
deems “parties”. This makes people
“wasted” and “wasted” plus “beer”
equals...? AWESOME!
Beer can do anything. It fixes prob
lems; usually problems it starts, makes
you the strongest man at a party, the
smartest man at a party, makes you in
visible, can change Coke to Pepsi.
I drank beer this weekend and told
everyone that was drinking around me
that they were drinking beer and they can
get wasted off of it; not advocating drink
ing mind you, and they loved it; the beer,
not me. People love fun and people love
wasted, and this beer that nearly ANY
ONE can drink can get you fun.. .1 mean
wasted. Someone said that I was wasted
this weekend, but I was too drunk to re
member; so I’ll just assume they’re pull
ing my leg.
Now, beer also makes people mad,
Ross Lockwood
1 recently received the best gift from
my girlfriend for Christmas, two tickets
to plfadise, otherwise known as the Styx,
Kansas, John Waite concert at the Erie
Civic Center!! I gave her a kiss and a
peck and a hug around the neck for
Christmas. I have already seen Styx once
in this calender year. They rocked the
Crawford County Fair Grounds that
Dennis Haskins
(Mr. Belding)
Odds 1:32
Special Move:
Detention
Questions???
Dear Humor Page,
I was wondering where I
could get a copy of Ben
Foote's phone number.
Any ideas?
-Mussy
“ 1-800-Not- The-Mama! ”
-Baby Sinclair
£3
and that is a damn shame, but other
than.. .I don’t have a point here, let’s just
focus on beer. Now, anyone that read
the Beacon last year knows my articles
have slightly veered to perverted pee
pee humor and can, I’ll agree, be labeled
as pre-adolescent humor that is only
funny to idiots, morons and my friends,
but that’s only because I’m not allowed
to make fun of what society calls
“women,” “homosexuals,” “minorities,”
“masturbation,” “incest,” “the glorifica
tion of alcohol,” “statutory rape,” and
“the metric system.”
So that rfteans all I’m allowed to write
about is straight, white men who are ab
stinent, except when they have sex with
non-family members over 18 who are
straightedge that use Imperial, also
known as “English” units. Did you just
read that last sentence? What’s funny
about that? But everyone has a common
tie, which is: everyone loves beer. Even
though I can’t glorify this, my terrible
opinion tells me that “beer is awesome”.
I mean how many straight, white men
who are abstinent, except when they
have sex with non-family members over
18 who are straightedge that use Impe
rial, also known as “English” units do
you know? There was a kid in high
school that said he never had “self pres
sure” and I’m not talking about
Goldenrod? Don’t Flatter Yourself
night with REO Speedwagon. I became
a man that night, as I went through mu
sical puberty. I was physically and men
tally aroused throughout the entire set,
it was very noticeable. I love Styx ‘cause
they rock hard ass, but they are sensitve,
just like me. They played at the Super
Bowl. When they played “Lady” there
wasn’t a dry eye in the house. I was
weeping uncontrollably intoTtitus’
shoulder. It made me cry even harder
when they told what the song was about;
the lead singer being seduced by a 47
year old married women at a cocktail
party and getting action.
There was only one flaw with the
show: They didn’t play Mr. Roboto!!
Sure, it was the song that ruined the band
and sent their career’s down the boom
boom chute. But nonetheless, a killer
song should have been included in the
“Sweet” Lou
Whitaker
Odds 1:52
Special Move:
“Double Play”
To the lovely driver of the maroon van
that made my car freak out when you
pulled in front of me Monday:
/ talked to your parents, yourfriends, and
God and guess what sweetheart; they all
hate you. Your parents said you were a
mistake, your friends use you for sex, and
God told me your going to Hell in a
handbasket. And you see that weird guy
on the right? Even he doesn’t like you
and he’s stoopid.
Apollo Creed
(Master of Disaster)
Barry Bostwick
Odds 1:64
Special Movie:
Rocky Horror
Picture Show
Special Move: Killer
Do you hate us, yourself, or Andrew Lloyd Webber? If so, let us
know; not that we care we’re just really bored. Or you could
even submit a column. Email us and tell us we’re pretty.
Behrendßeacon @ hotmail.com.
Maslow’s final step of Hierarchy, but I >
think he either had sex with girls his age,
who were under 18, or he wasn’t straight;
he WAS a character though. He failed
out of college.
But be nice to beer, if you play with
him right, you’ll have a good time, and
if you play with him wrong, you’ll have
a better time; much like whores from
China, from which I hear are insane!
Some of the stories I hear... WHEW!
I can’t make you drink beer, unless I
see you at the bar, and 1 can’t tell you
that beer with make you strong, smart,
whimsical, attractive, and cool...but it
will. Beer does all these things and more.
Beer is also a time machine. Not like
Doc Brown’s 1985 Delorian, and not like
Bill S. Preston Esquire and Ted
“Theodore” Logan’s phone booth, but,
it works in a similar fashion. Take this
scenario: You’re doing shots of Jim
Beam at 9 p.m.; you take 25 shots,
BINGO; tomorrow morning. And so
what if you can’t go back in time?
Einstein said it’s only possible to time
travel into the future anyway, and, if
you’re saying Einstein is wrong, put up
your dukes, cuz you know something
little girl? You’re wrong and you’re
stoopid, too. So just shut up!
set. No one sings “Mr. Roboto” better
than Styx, right?
Well I would have wagered a pretty
penny on that too, until 1 heard Kidz Bop.
If you have never heard of this CD let
me sum it up for you in one word: BOM
BASTIC! It is a bunch of kids singing
popular songs instead of the bands. And
the best part is that they are all
prepubscent! They sing all of the clas
sics, including “How Bizzare” by OMC
and “MMMM Bop”. The Kidz Bop ver
sion of “Mr. Roboto” is a joyous romp
that also transcends many socioeco
nomic boundaries while culminating in
being wickedly sweet. So if you need a
Valentine’s Day idea for you sugar lump,
I suggest Kidz Bop 2 and the digitally
remastered box set of the “Mighty
Ducks.”
Odds 1:24
Mustache
10.) You wear .
I eyeshadow and you’re i
jnot a lady, you’re a dude! j
j 9.) When people see you |
I on the street, they say, I
j “Nice White Pasty Skin j
Goth-Face!”
I 8.) Your heroin habit j
j excedes $5OO a week, j
I 7.) You traded in your I
I Jimi for Voltaire.
6.) You’re in a band
I called “Sir Satanico and i
j the Cross Burning Freaks j
| That Wear Black.” I
I 5.) You devised a way to I
play Magic: The Gather-
I ing using regular cards .
| (I’m on to ya fellas!) |
j 4.) You quit drinking j
I coffee in the morning I
and switched to Satan’s
blood. .
I 3.) You went to a Phish |
I j concert j
Steve Buscemi
Odds 1:40
Special Move:
Red Hot Plunger
Samhain.
, 1.) Half your name is
I Roman-numerals, like
| “Kody the XIII of the
I Dark Forest”.
■ i 1
Michael Butala,
Humor Page Editor
behrcollS @ aol.com
f—— ,
j Tip of the Week
I Stasis + Capsize I
■ This tip of the week comes from •
I the Devil Sorceror from Hell’s ■
• Swamp. Stasis is a terrible card J
■ at first glance, because it takes J
■ away everyones’ untap phase, *
J which is worse than Voltaire ■
J breaking up. However, Capsize J
J allows you to return any perma- J
Jnent to your hand, and has a!
! buyback cost, so you can use it J
J every turn. So you cast Stasis !
J right after you untap, and Capsize J
J it after your opponent draws, J
J leaving you the only player with ■
J an untap phase. This combo is su- ■
■ per in a game with 3+ players, but ■
■ it still rocks in a 2 player game! ■
■ An Icy Manipulator is also good ■
■ here because you can tap an op- ■
■ ponents freshly layed down land ■
■ as a fast effect so they can't save ■
■ up for a monster, or even sum- j
■ mon a weenie! You will draw j
■ them out every time! This will j
■ surely make you the coolest freak |
| in your circle of dead zombie |
I friends and Satan will be like, |
| “I’m getting dethroned” and uri- 1
■ nate his tight charred underwear; |
| which is good for you, “Oh Evil |
| One”. I
L————— J
I Top 10 Signs You’re I
I Turning Goth i
I -to kill the fans...ehh, I
I nevermind; even I’d do I
J that. j
2.) You look like Davey i
j Havok after a long night |
I of pole squatting at the j
I darkest ritual of I