BEN TITUS
Fireballs
What can I say; I love everything
related to fireballs. It was my fa
vorite candy. I find it funny when
volcanoes explode, destroy the is
land, and kill its inhabitants. Plus
I’ve always had a thing for the red
heads, and finally because Fireball
Island was the best board game
EVER! If you don’t remember this
game, let me refresh your memory.
On fireball island the legendary
Firestone jewel gleams beside its
fierce protector, the idol Vul-Kar.
To capture it, survive a swarm of
flaming fireballs. To keep it, elude
your pursuers and escape the un
expected pitfalls of a mysterious
jungle world
It’s a game of rip-roaring action
and heart-pounding suspense, and
it all happens on the unique Fire
ball Island game board. First, cap
ture the jewel by reaching Vul-Kar
before your fellow fortune-hunters
do. They’ll roll fireballs, use magic
charms, and play a pile of nasty
cards to slow you down. Once you
have the jewel, race for the dock.
But stay ahead of your cutthroat op
ponents! They’ll use the same tac
tics to steal the jewel and escape!
If you can make it to the dock with
the jewel, you’ll be the ultimate
jungle survivor!
This is easily the best board game
ever, and l W&s part of the rafist
competitive event in the histßrjf&f
the world. The time was Friday
night and the crowd had gathered
to watch the match or because it
was warm and there was beer, but
regardless people were there and
cheering. Before I tell the break
down of this game, I want to set one
thing straight. This isn’t any creepy
magic game that deals with putting
on dark makeup, dressing black,
and letting Satan borrow your soul
for a couple of hours. This is good,
clean, drunken fun for ages 4 and
up-
The stage was set, it was 8 at
night and everyone was already
buzzing.
The game came right down to the
wire with a fake jewel card in the
mix. At the end there was total con
troversy, and it turned out a girl had
won the game! It was complete bull
crap. Not even a single fireball to
wards the end, which bothered me
since I had a magic talisman card.
Heck, one of the men involved was
so upset that he later urinated in the
judge’s mouthwash. But this was
just the start of the fun and games
to my night.
The next thing I know I was in
Vegas with Dave Coulier. Foote
was with us and he kept complain
ing about cell phones so Dave said,
“Cut, it, out.” It was so hilarious
that my pants became wet. Dave
then pul led his hand from my pants,
and we were off. We were in the
city that averages 150 marriages a
day, which reminds me that the 100
Year War actually lasted 116 years.
But where was I? Oh, yes, lighting
causes more storm related deaths in
the U.S than anything other than
floods. But if you’re ever in a situ
ation where you need to jump from
a building into a dumpster follow
these rules: jump straight down
(don’t project yourself off the build
ing), aim for the middle of the
dumpster, and land on your body
back so your body folds. Unless
the dumpster you are jumping in is
full of broken glass HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA.
Ross Lockwood
How do you put an elephant in the re
frigerator? Open the refrigerator, place el
ephant inside, close door.
How do you put a giraffe in a refrigera
tor? Open the refrigerator, take out el
ephant, place giraffe inside refrigerator,
close door.
All of the animals other than the giraffe
and the elephant were at the animal con-
ference
How do you put a monkey in the refrig
erator? You don’t he is at the animal con-
ference
How do you run across a river with alli
gators nipping at your feet? You don’t, all
13 art
Since its inception, the humor page has been (rightfully) ac
cused of being geared toward white males, nay boys, who
laugh at pee pee and poo poo jokes; essentially, using the low
est common denominator to get a laugh - a kick to the crotch
with steel toe Docs, if you will.
The following article will BROADen the appeal of the hu
mor page by helping women cope with a problem many have
faced (well, at least the ones I’ve dated) - dealing with a boy
friend who is not anatomically endowed.
WHAT TO SAY:
When your boyfriend says: “I have a small penis.”
A poor reply would be: “Yeah I mean, 1 don’t care.”
An acceptable reply would be: “I like it.”
"Who
Michael Butala
My daddy is Mr. Michael Charles Butala,
but I just call him “Pops” and he loves Pitt
basketball. He’s also a very lazy man and
commonly referred to as a bum. He also
likes trying to get me to drink beer, and he
loves Keystone.
One night I was frottaging this girl be
tween make out sessions, and I bluntly asked
her who HER daddy was. To my surprise
she said, “You, baby.” Well, I stopped right
then and there because this girl was not MY
daughter, or was it? I’ve spread my evil
seed in one too many flowerpots and real
ized that this girl could possibly be my
daughter. I further investigated.
“How old are you little girl?” I asked
of the alligators are at the animal confer-
1 was watching highlights from the show
“Man Vs. Beast” on Fox and I was imme
diately pissed because I missed it. I
couldn’t believe that a show like this was
actually on the air, it’s so unbelievably stu
pid. It gives me hope that the idea for my
show “Phat Beach” will some day get
aired.
The whole concept behind my show is
you get a bunch of supermodeis and put
them on an island. Whichever supermodel
puts the most weight on by the end of the
show wins a million dollars. The catch is
the only thing that they can eat is hotdogs
and the only thing that they can drink is
beer out of wooden buckets.
It would be so funny because they would
turn into fat slobs, and would no longer be
supermodeis. What a great idea for a show.
Well, anyways, back to “Man Vs.
Beast.” I think the animals did a fantastic
job considering that they are animals and
don't know what the hell is going on. But
one thing about the show that bothered me
was when the orangutan beat the sumo
wrestler in the tug of war. It was such a
dive. There is no way
Contributing Writer
’s IVly Daddy?
her, and when she replied ‘seventeen” (she
looked younger) it was time for some quick
math, however I was so drunk I couldn’t fig
ure it out. I was 22 and she was 17, so she
must have been conceived when I was like
11, give or take a few years. Yeah, I was
sexually active around that time so I pressed
some more questions.
“Who is your mommy little girl?” and she
said, “Bonnie Blair.” For all of you who
aren’t aware, she received Five gold medals
in the 1996 Winter Olympics. Yeah, I ran
her and I thought to myself, “This is my
daughter.” So, after we had sex, I started to
wonder if sex within the immediate family
was a good idea. Obviously the morals be
hind it check fine, but I started to wonder
about the neighbors; what would they say?
So I went to ask them, but they weren’t
home.
Needless to say, eight months later she
had the physique of half the women at Penn
State Erie: The Behrend College except un
like the Behrend girls, she was straight up
pregnant. This made the sex a lot more dif
ficult to perform, and she kept bragging
about how she gets to park closer at grocery
stores because she was pregnant. This got
me thinking, not about groceries, but about
how this is sexual discrimination because
unless you’re Arnold Schwarzenegger a
male cannot give birth to kids. So I went to
Jimmy Z’s, that has front row parking for
Xules with Mustaches Month
Bgual Garbage Cans
A good reply would be: “You’re hung like John Holmes in a
sauna.”
When your boyfriend says: “Do you think I’m ‘small’?”
A poor reply would be: “Yeah.”
An acceptable reply would be: “1 like it.”
A good reply would be: “Your trouser snake could scare
away an anaconda.”
When your boyfriend says: “I have large feet, but my penis
isn’t that big.”
A poor reply would be: “I guess it’s not always true.”
An acceptable reply would be: “I like it.”
A good reply would be: “I cannot walk for three days after
we copulate.”
When your boyfriend says: “I wish my manhood was
‘larger’.”
A poor reply would be: “It’s an all right size, it’s as small as
my ex-boyfriends.’”
An acceptable reply would be: “I like it.”
A good reply would be: “If it was any bigger you could
enter a three-legged race alone.”
WHAT TO DO IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS:
DO NOT allow him to wear spandex or speedos in any
situation, unless stuffed with the appropriate sockage.
DO NOT leave him alone long enough at a party to fall prey
to the suggestions of a “Crazy Shaun” to “get naked and run
around the house.” This will only humiliate you and him, and
possibly bolster the self esteem of many of the guys at the
party.
that a monkey could have enough strength
to pull a 400 pound sumo wrestler down,
even if the monkey was drunk and on ste
roids at the same time. I also think that they
should have had a baby race a three-toed
sloth, but other than that I thought the show
was amazing.
On to my point. My girlfriend gave me
a great idea. You know how kangaroos
have pouches? Well, what are they for?
Someone told me they are for baby kan
garoos, but I have a better idea: Portable
waste baskets. If you got done with a beer,
all you would have to do is snap your fin
gers, the kangaroo would jump over, and
you would put the can in its pouch. DONE
AND DONE! You wouldn’t have to get
out of bed, plus you would have the com
panionship of a kangaroo so you wouldn’t
be considered a loser for drinking alone.
Plus, they are soooo much more afford
able than regular garbage cans.
What happens to the garbage once it
goes in the kangaroo? Who knows, it’s
the stupid kangaroo’s job to worry about
that. My thought is if there is in fact a
baby kangaroo in there it can eat the gar
bage. Otherwise I figure that the garbage
will just somehow be magically absorbed
men who recently knocked up a woman, cuz
baby, we got problems too.
Well, after the daughter and I went to the
emergency room and gave bi/lh to a 10
pound 2 ounce cheeseburger instead of a bas
tard child, bastard regarding the fact that my
daughter and I were not married; it’s proper
grammar. The hamburger was really good,
but I sort of wish we could have had a kid
with a little mustache like in Addams Fam
ily Values; wasn’t he just adorable?
So in conclusion, next time a guy asks
you who your daddy is, just say,
“Superfreak.”
I been working so hard, keep punching
my card, eight hours, for what?, Oh, tell me
what I got, I get this feeling, that time’s just
holding me down, I’ll hit the ceiling, Or else
I’ll tear up this town, Tonight I gotta cut.
Loose, footloose, Kick off your Sunday
shoes, Please, Louise, Pull me offa my
knees, Jack, get back, C’mon before we
crack, Lose your blues, Everybody cut foot
loose, You’re playing so cool, Obeying ev
ery rule, Dig way down in your heart, You’re
yearning, burning for some, Somebody to
tell you, That life ain’t passing you by. I’m
trying to tell you, It will if you don’t even
try, You can fly if you’d only cut, Loose,
footloose, Kick off your Sunday shoes,
Oowhee, Marie, Shake it, shake it for me,
Whoa, Milo, C’mon, c’mon let go, Lose
your blues, Everybody cut footloose.
Michael Butala,
Humor Page Editor
behrco!ls @ aol.com
r— —————————i
j Tip of the Week j
J Card Name: Flametounge Kavu J
J Color: Red .
J Rarity:Uncommon ■
| Casting Cost: 3R |
jAbility: "When Flametounge
|Kavu comes into play, it
Ideals 4 damage to target
I creature"
J This card is unbelievable, 4
Jdamage for 3R is good as an
[iron Maiden reunion tour and
■ the fact that it can attack next
■ turn means big trouble for your
[opponents.
| They’ll crap themselves like
la long night of witchcraft and
I animal sacrifice with you and
• your goth buddies. Paired with
■Coastal Drake(Ability: Return
jTarget Kavu to its owner's
■ hand) can wipe out any other
■ creature on the board, given
| you have defenses as strong as
[the black nailpolish on your
I fingers. The drawbacks? It's
I toughness.
• Nevertheless, 4 spidersilk
J armors can solve that. Pump
Jyour Kavu up like the heroin
■ you pump in your pale, pasty
■ arms you stupid goth freak!
i.————— _ J