Page 6
The Behrend Beacon
BEN TITUS
How I Ruined
Christmas
I hope everyone had a great holiday
break, because I had the worst Christ
mas ever. I don’t even know where to
start. I guess a good place to start would
be Christmas Eve. My family wanted
me home early to spend quality time
together, but 1 never made it. Instead a
couple of my chums and I decided to
kick back a couple 30 packs.
When my family woke up Christmas
morning, to their surprise, it wasn’t
Santa under the tree but their son Ben
who had knocked over the tree and was
lying in a pool of vomit and urine. So
my family threw me out, and I decided
to drive over to my girlfriends’. When
I arrived, I decided to wake them up by
singing Christmas carols. Turns out that
they all are devout Muslims, so 1 wasn’t
welcome inside, and she dumped me ©
So, I needed a place to stay. I decided
to drive over to Foote’s house but when
1 arrived he was giving his girlfriend
his “Christmas present” in the back seat
of his car. 1 finally found refuge in a
sewer. It was either a sewer or Edinboro
University. I couldn’t tell by sight and
they both smell like BOOM BOOM.
That night while sleeping in a warm pile
of something I was visited by three
ghosts.
The first ghost was the ghost of Eco
Mug. Eco Mug was the ghost of Christ
mas past and showed me how cool I
used to be. There I was: a spitting im
age of my old self happy, drunk, and
making girls cry. A.t this moment 1 re
alized what 1 had become, someone that
cared about people’s feelings. For a
couple seconds I thought I was going
to throw up, until Eco Mug showed me
the past of himself. I found myself in a
Malaysian factory watching 6 year olds
building Eco Mugs. This means all
those hippies who bought Eco Mugs
were actually supporting child labor.
Oh yeah, they killed one animal and cut
down one tree for every mug made.
The next ghost to visit me was the
ghost of Behrend hockey. He was from
the future. Behrend hockey still had not
won a game and the losses to Slippery
Rock were getting worse and worse.
But anyways, 1 have met a couple cool
kids from the team, so 1 will lay off them
even though a lot of them are lame. It’s
funny how a CLUB team that cuts kids
still loses that bad. Anyways, back to
what the ghost of the future showed me.
There I was with my wife Natalie
Portman and my mistress the girl who
played Alex Mack. 1 was so happy.
The final ghost to visit me in the night
was the ghost of Kevin Bacon. He
showed me what the world would be
like without Ben Titus. It was shock
ing! Behrend would be a RC Cola cam-
pus instead of a Pepsi campus, and the
following people would kill themselves
Brice W, Rob F, Stumbling, Fry, Chad,
Birthday Boy, Fatty, Crazy Kristin,
Katie Slaw, John T, Ross B, Brad R,
The Feet, Mikey B, The Party, Kudman,
Squirrel, CAK, Swig, The family Juls,
Kenny, Mitch, Tommy, Track Whore,
GG, Mook, Creps, Vicente Fox, Scabs,
Sfimmy, some pansy named Brandon,
Dave M, Clucker, Chainsaw, Tom, Jim,
Karri, Ashley, Marie, bpnlo4,
Helzßelz, Derek and Faulk. Wow, it
looks like I am really cool.
The next day I woke up and realized
how much of a jerk I had been. The
first thing I did was find someone to
drive me to the Beer store, and the sec
ond was I made a girl cry. Everyone
was happy except Brice, who had been
visited by the ghost of McMagpipes. It
wasn’t McMagpipes that made him up
set, we all know it brought a different
feeling to him, an arousing one, but the
present she had been saving for 9
months that upset him.
Friday, Awesome 00, 2004 ™
Ben Foote
For myself, the year 2002 flew by rather
rapidly. I felt I really didn't get much accom
plished. and because I didn't take any good
pictures. I didn't. So I thought instead of
making resolutions like everyone else on new
years. I'd make a list of things that might
happen, or at least should happen. So with
out any further delay. 1 present you with my
list.
10 - World Peace
Its not likely to happen, but I had to list it
anyways. Imagine if instead of building more
nukes or trying to gain the power of nukes,
countries just voluntarily disarmed? Yeah, I
can't see that either. Moving 0n...
9 - Bengals Win the Super Bowl
r Humor Page Editor’s Notice to Pedestrians]
] YIELDING FOR PEDESTRIANS IS SOOOO 2002 1
I AND I WILL NOT HESITATE TO RON YOUR lAME
I ASSES OVER AGAIN. AND HERE'S A SPECIAL
| LITTLE SOMETHING TO THE GIRL WHO WALKED
I OUT IN FRONT OF ME ON WEDNESDAY:
] “I DON'T CARE HOW UGLY YOU ARE. NEXT
I TIME YOUR ASS IS GRASS!”
I . 1
INC AA ?! ?! S crew That!! i
I The Humor Page is hosting a 64 “man” Clip Art battle Royale! *
I Watch the Humor Page for the bracket and seeds and enter it at NO COST to win a variety of wicked •
* sweet prizes. All free! So keep your eyes open, jackasses, and get pumped for March Madness in it’s *
• TRUE FORM!! You’ll pay for the seat but you’ll only need the EDGE!!! •
I. 1
Holy Crap, the Media Sucks
Michael Butala
How many times over this long
ass break we just had did your parents
fall to sleep early, leaving you alone in
the dark in your family room feeling a
little more than frisky? Well, if you're
anything like me it happened about five
times a week. And to appease this sexual
desire there are three legitimate ways to
"put out the fire".
First and most obvious, call my
girlfriend for a little, you know,
uhh.. "phone fun". So I called up Ginger
on the phone every night until the phone
bill came and my dad bitched me out for
all the 976 numbers and Ginger, if your
reading this, I still love you, I'm just not
allowed to use the phone. By the way,
dad, Pitt basketball sucks. You never
went to Pitt and no one you know ever
went there, so why do you watch it all
the time? He even watched an old game
on ESPN Classic and I was like "What
the hell? I'm trying to watch Spongebob!"
Okay, secondly, there's this cor
relation between late-night television and
sexually arousing programs, or so I
My prediction is that because the
Bengals purposely end up with the worst
record in the NFL year after year, they're
secretly stockpiling talent. Maybe yes,
maybe no, but l believe 2003 will be their
year to take the world by suprise. Or
maybe hell will freeze over, these are only
just predictions.
8-1 Graduate College
It's not likely to happen, but maybe I'll
get lucky and finish college in less than
10 years. What degree am i getting? Oh,
just my undergraduate stuff. I like to play
a lot of videogames and watch TV, so pass
ing classes is tricky.
7 - Butala Quits Drinking
If you know Butala, and even if you
don't, you know that he says lie's going to
quit drinking at least once a year. My pre
diction here already came true, though.
Butala has stopped drinking in 2003. The
real prediciton would be when he starts
again. The answer? Within a week of writ
ing this. I'd wager.
6 - Lance Goes to the Moon
Thats right, everyone's favorite celeb
rity finally gets to act out his dream and
Spike Lee Apologizes:
“I dunno what I was thinking when 1 wrote ‘Ghost Dad.’
Bill Cosby Loves Jell-O and chocolate cake for break-
fluril Lauigne shrieks:
“I loue Skaterßois3@aol.com!!! Punk
Rock! Chicka-Chicka lilhoop-LUhoop!”
First of all, I watched
"Leave it to Beaver". First let me say
that this title is completely mislead
ing. Granted it was in black in white,
and it allegedly took place in the fif
ties, but I still gave it a chance. The
mom is way hot, and I was waiting
forever for that naughty hizzo to
show off her rack, at least. Need
less to say, no one got naked, and
the title of the program is a hoax.
Second was "Touched by an Angel".
First of all if there was any "touch
ing" and I probably would have
crapped myself if the Angel got naked
cuz she was hideous. She looked like
a hybrid of my dad's ass and Martha
Washington. God, was she nasty.
“Charmed" got me for the
third crappy show. Okay, I know this
is on primetime but my parents left to
go to church. So I was home all alone,
and you know, a bunch of hot chicks
and all. So I figured, "What the hell,
how bad could it be?" This isn't even
worth two shakes of my lambs tail.
They kept talking about babies and
nothing turns me off faster than fat
chicks rolling in pudding OR babies.
"The E! Hollywood Story of
Anna Nicole Smith." Somewhere along
the way, I totally forgot that Anna
Nicole Smith quit being thin model on
coke and turned into a fat model on
coke. Needless to say, my manhood
sank faster than the Titanic, but it re
minded me that I had Naked Gun 33
1/3 where Anna is mad hot. So my
mission was accomplished that day.
2003 Predictions
fast. Go figure.”
thought. I fell victim to watching
some of these horrible programs,
and when it ended, "the tiny woods
man" was a little more than disap
pointed.
go to the moon. Then my dream comes true and
he stays there.
5 - Behrend Becomes an All-Male School
Come on, we re practically that way already.
4 - Slap Bracelets Become the Rage
I saw someone wearing one of these, and I
remembered how cool they are. Help bring them
back.
3 - Metric System Remains Laughing Stock
Despite its superiority to the Rnglish measure
ment system, the metric system will remain
largely unnappreciated except by the most
hardcore nerds. Ok, so I'm running short of ideas.
2 - Butala Gets his Ass Kicked by Me
Fveryonewho knows Butala wants to beat
him up. I'm predicting that I'll finally act on
everyone's behalf and pummel him like he de
serves. F.ven if you don't know him. you've prob
ably seen hint being loud, annoying, referred,
or otherwise stupid in public. So thank me later,
after I give hint a lickin'.
1 - Butala Gets his Ass Kicked by Me, Again
Butala thinks he's pretty cool, huh'.’ Well, it
takes a good second beating lor him to be put in
his place. Yeah. I'm pretty tough.
(hut no one pays attention cu/ she sucks)
The last show that got me was
”oz." For some reason I thought that it'd
be some sick rendition of the "Wizard of
OZ" that involved gratuitous sex scenes and
monster knockers, but how could you blame
me, I was so messed up I would have made
out with my neighbor; his name is Bob.
Turns out there's a lot of wang in this show
and believe it or not, I didn't get turned on.
The third thing a sexually troubled
male can do to appease his libido is rent
movies and let me tell you, man, some of
these names are deceiving.
First of all I rented "American Tail."
I admit I never looked at the cover of
this one, and if I had, I most likely would
not have rented it. You probably could have
guessed my intentions with the titles but
when I watched it, it was some cartoon
about a mouse moving to America or some
thing. I was royally pissed until I saw this
one mouse, Tonya. Now I'm no pervert,
but if I HAD to have sex with a cartoon
mouse, like HAD to, it would definitely be
her. Oh, baby!
The second movie that fooled me
was "Hard Target," but this movie wasn't all
that bad. I love Van Damme but it defi
nitely wasn't what I expected.
"Teaching Miss Tingle" got me
pretty bad, too. I was expecting some sort
of like bondage/S&M stuff here and it turned
out that there was uhhh...NONE. I mean
man, I was expecting like hardcore sex and
like crazy stuff, but I dunno. It sucked.
Oh man, the last one was the
worst. "Driving Miss Daisy." First off, zero
penetration, Strike One; it involves a really
old lady (I won't take off points there), it
casts Morgan Freeman, Strike Two; and
Kevin Bacon isn't in it, Strike Three.
And that one guitar made his
whole life change. Now he needs to keep
Michael Butala,
Humor Page Editor
behrcol!s @ aol.com
Tip of the Week
4 Polluted Delta
13 Swamp
7 Island
4 Rotlung Reanimator
4 Nantuko Husk
3 Souless one
2 Visara. The I )readi'ul
2 image Crafter
2 Clone
3 Doomed Necromancer
4 Oversold Cemetary
3 Death Match
4 Artificial Evolution
3 Complicate
2 Spy Network
This lip of the week comes from Hilda ot the
Terror Swamp. The point of this deck is to to
tally wipe out vour opponent to the other side
of Hades to play hopscotch with the devil in
one turn. You want to get out one ol your
Rotlung Reanimator, a dastardly fellow, and a
Nantuko Husk. Be patient for that Artificial
Evolution; it’s the key to winning this. When
you see that your opponent has no way to Block
at all, or if you wanna risk 'em. play Artificial
Evolution and target theßotlung Reanimator
and change it to say "put a cleric token into play”
instead of the normal zombie. This means you
have unlimited amount of clerics. Sacrifice
countless clerics to the number you would like
for your Nantuko Husk and BAM! You will
have yourself a nice little common creature
dealing 20,000 damage to your dumbfounded
opponent! He’ll have acid flashbacks of O/./.y
concerts for years to come. Don't forget it's
great defense! Other cards are just retrieving
cards faster and destroying creatures w ith Visara
the Dreadful. So at your next human sacrifice
where the demons are many and the ghouls are
a spectacle, thank Hilda for her excellent tip.
T«P TEN MEW
VEAR7
RE/eiVTieN/
HIKE 9VTALA
AIREA»y
tMK
10.) Quit drinking
9.) Don’t hit on high
school girls
8.) Stop watching
“dirty movies”
7.) Work out at least
once a week
6.) Eat better
5.) Use mind ex
panding drugs for
mind expandment
4.) Alan Thicke
3.) Get laid
2.) I miss my
Mommy
1.) Don’t wet the
bed
rockin' he just can't stop - Gotta keep on
rockin' that boy has got to stay on top.
And be a Juke Box Hero got stars in his
eyes. He's a Juke Box Hero got stars in
his eyes. Yeah! Juke Box Hero got stars
in his eyes. With that one guitar he'll
come alive. Come alive tonight. So he
started rockin' ain't never gonna stop.
Gotta keep on rockin' - Someday he's
gonna make it to the top. And be a Juke
Box Hero got stars in his eyes. He's a
Juke Box Hero. Juke Box Hero. Juke
Box Hero got stars in his eyes. Stars in
his eyes.