Ross Lockwood & Mike
Butala, Humor Page Editors
The Behrend Beacon
Things That Are
Kind Of KOOL
Ross Lockwood
Awhile back we made a list of top
ten things that were kind of cool, but
of really. These are the types of
things that you go "hmmmm," like
e C and C Music Factory song.
ey may also make you sweat, just
like C and C, if you think about them
ong enough.
Road kill- This is cool for a couple
f reasons. The first obvious reason
that you get to see an animal get
by oncoming traffic. I saw
this one videoclip on my friends'
personal computer of a rabbit getting
crushed by a Formula One racer. You
should have seen how messed up that
rabbit got! All you could see was his
innards going outward.
It's always funnier when a car hits
a small animal because you get to see
the whole thing blow up. If you hit a
deer or a cow or something, you just
kind of knock it down.
Sorry to burst your bubble kid, there
is no doggie heaven, and there is no
Santa either, so you might as well just
forget your dreams and start working
at the gas station, where you know
you are going to end up.
Unicorns- Unicorns, if you think
about them, are pretty cool. They are
wondrous, mystical creatures from
the great hentii2ittgatelYPlanY
like to make fun of unictorna, like
there is something wrong - with them.
People typically say that unicorns are
a sign of wussiness, but I couldn't
disagree more. What is manlier than
a unicorn? Not much, if you ask me.
Unicorn ooze testosterone. I played
this Nintendo game recently, and the
unicorn completely kicked every
*titer animal's ass. They shot these
magical rays of energy from their
lions and killed all the other mystical
beasts lickety split. So, in conclusion,
Unicorns rock my world.
Getting Really Wasted- Wait a
minute, this is in the wrong article. It
should be in an article titled
"Something That is Really Awesome
and Has No Bad Side Effects Ever."
I mean think about it, when was the
last time you did something stupid
when you were drunk? No one ever
oes. Alcohol usually contributes to :
students acting much more
responsible than they normally do.
Adtially, according to a recent study,
people-ability to make rational
recisions when they are drunk
increases by up to 8 percent with each
dr* So this means that if you drink
f,'2. beers, your decision-making
ability will increase by about 96
percent*. With that kind of thinking,
you could probably split the atom, or
104 the next. Challenger Space
Shuttle!
AO the ills of drinking are
nwletely fabricated much like the
Odstence of STD's. Does anyone
actually have an STD? No, because
they were just made up by the church
to scare everyone. They don't really
amt. I mean, I don't know anyone
At, has an STD. That's because no
one has one. The only people who
say they have one are just doing it for
attention. They are just trying to get
veryone to feel sorry for them and
to get their parents to send them more
money*.
1 " This could be potentially made up.
Teddy the Garden Gnome
A, says:
"I like long walks on the
Ittl, beach and warm candle fit
'' dinners, and I am looking
for a lovely lady that likes
This semester is coming to an end and I feel a deep sadness in my heart. I think
back to all the new friends I have made, such as the Behrend hockey team (well according
41' Mt * / to the rumors), and lam concerned about how my past and newfound friends will do on
their finals. With the crunch of finals coming up I know the stress a student can feel bad.
My real question for the week dwells on "The Clarks." People north of the Mason
Dixon Line and south of I 80 don't realize how bad they are? Seriously, "The Clarks" are
pure crap. I don't think there is a better example of crappy college rock. I would rather
take a swift kick to the privates from a midget than listen to "The Clarks".
But another thing I thought of while drinking my beer and avoid my test is the
BENTITUS space program. One of the most memorable moments in the history of mankind is big
bad Neil Armstrong walking on the moon. WHY!!! What was accomplished by walking
on the moon? I will tell you what was accomplished, as much as a freshman going to a frat party, waking up in the
morning, not remembering what happened and feeling sick. All I know is Neil Armstrong is not my doppelganger.
But seriously, how has the human race improved from man walking o,n the moon? Sure it got all the hippies to pay
attention to something for 30 seconds but it really didn't accomplish anything. Heck it may even be fake like the War
of 1812, there is no proof either really happened.
Speaking of which, there is a place in New Jersey where you can rent a midget to follow you around wearing
a nacho hat with salsa in the middle and you can eat it. But I think I have had enough sweet delicious alcohol for this
evening so I will leave you with this: Butala owns magic cards.
By Jason freed
Since early 2000 the NASDAQ has fallen
has fallen 75 percent, the broader S&P 500
more than 40 percent. GeeDubya still
wants to party like a freshman girl at a grata
fiti party. He still favors privatization of
Social Security benefits. So when your
parents lose their guaranteed
benefits and have to work un
til they are 80 years
old...remember that zany
George Bush was behind it all!
-Georgie Boy makes sure con
victed misdemeanor drug us
ers cannot get financial aid for
college, though convicted
murderers can. Good thing
they didn't have that rule when
he was snorting coke back in
the 70s huh?
-He appointed a man wHo lied
to Congress during the Iran-Contra era to
the head of a department that will have a
database containing records and private in
formation about every single American.
You had better stop going to those adult
websites now or the Government will know
about it.
-Dubblya Cut by 50 percent funding for
research into renewable energy sources.
Oh, that wacky president!
by Michael Butala
Anyone who knows me knows
that I used to rock out to punk rock music
in the lamest sense of the word but then it
became too mainstream.
Somewhere in history, plaid
skirts, studded and spiked
bracelets yelling "OP" and
jumping around like you got
ants in your pants caught on;
luckily the Eco Mug has not
encountered such fame.
Anyway, next thing you
know every Peter, Paul and
Mary turned punk rock and
here's the wonderful part
about the whole punk scene;
ugliness is encouraged.
If you dig punk
chicks you realize that they
have their own sort of beauty
that is being ugly. The more
ugly a punk chick is the more
she's attractive in the punk
scene
An example is the more teeth a
punk girl is missing the hotter she is. I saw
this girl I knew from high school at the mall
the other day. She sucked in high school
Stop the
Starbucks!!!
i muumpopr
Friday, December 6, 2002
What's That Smell? Oh, Swamp Ass
George Bush facts
-Little George also revoked rules that re
duced the acceptable levels of arsenic in
drinking water. I mean, hey, if its good for
rats...oh wait a minute arsenic POISONS
-G-dubs reduced by 86 percent the Com
munity Access Program for public hospi
tals, clinics and providers
of care for people without
insurance. Hey with all
the arsenic in the water I
guess the health care for
poor children is irrelevant
anyway.
-Repealed workplace ergonomic rules de
signed to improve worker health and safety.
Oh, well, we weren't going get any good
jobs in Bush's economy, anyways.
-Closed White House Office for Women's
Health Initiatives and Outreach. I guess
someone other than Butala thinks women's
rights have been around too long.
-George proposed a $2 trillion tax cut, of
Punk is as dead as Chippa' ffatv)
and she still sucks today but she was one
of those girls that totally sucked; she had
nothing going for her, and like last year
she must have turned punk because she's
totally different now. Granted she's still
unattractive as hell and I'd rather kiss my
dad's butthole but ugly girls are taking the
whole "punk scene" as an explanation to
look god-awful and not genetics; lame cop
out.
Penn State-Behrend is adding l
a Starbucks in the Reed Union
building. This will close
down the Bruno's coffee bar
AND increase your Student
Activity Fee by $l5O. We are
starting a petition to stop the
construction of it and YOU
can help. If you want this
stopped, email
BehrendActivities@psu.edu
and express your concern.
Together we can stop this.
-Cut program to provide
childcare to low-income
families as they move
from welfare to work.
Screw poor people WE
GOT A SPACE LASER
TO BUILD!
Guys are falling victim to the
oes Not!!!
which 43 percent will go to the wealthiest
I percent of Americans. Now, Bill Gates
can have a Merry Christmas after all!
-Get this...he appointed Kay Cole James -
an opponent of affirmative action - to di
rect the Office of Personnel Management.
Black people shouldn't feel too bad
though...in Bush's economy there aren't
any jobs to get anyways.
-Smilin George took 3 months of vacation
of the first 9 months in office as president.
I can't even think of anything to add that is
funnier than the truth.
-Wants to create the most polluted country
on the Earth by eliminating anti pollution
laws so that his super rich factory owner
supporters can get richer. Well that isn't
very funny...just kind of sad.
-And finally and wackiest of all OUR Presi
dent was directly quoted as saying this on
the campaign trail...
"There ought to be limits to freedom."
Good luck trying to limit MY freedom, Boy
George.
emo scene now. Any wussy crybaby that
calls himself a man buys tight dark jeans
and tight black t-shirt and tells people he's
emo as a cop-out to sucking at life. Pull
yourself together sissy-boy and muster
some guts, buy a Harley and slick your hair
back like the Fonz;
take my word, you'll
be fine. You can al
ways tell the emo
guys because they
own like 50 sweaters
When I get lonely, and I'm sure
I've had enough. She sends her comfort,
comin' in from above. Don't need a letter
at all. We've got a thing that's called Ra
dar Love. We've got a line in the
sk ....Ras Love.
Humor Page Equation of
the Millennium
111= Stoopid
In his last article Ross Lockwood said
that aluminum sulfate was NOT
soluable in water. Well, everyone
knows it is and now we all know how
stoopid Ross is. Ross also believes
everything he reads on the Internet and
also owns Magic cards. Thanks Mr. S.
ecomugs are
_ for nerds.
and own more than a
dozen Jade Tree or
Saddle Creek albums.
They also are ugly as
sin. Like punk girls,
the uglier and more
messed up in the head
an emo guy is, the
more attractive he is;
look at Conor Oberst
for Christ's sake. Oh
wait, he's "folk." I
don't own Magic
behrcolls@aol.com
-g - 1
1 gathering Tly of:
1 week 1
This week's tip comes to
us from parts unknown.
The tormented soul that
sent in this dark nugget
of death goes by fUrza's
Saga. 1t involves the card
gOREn•iPILEDRIVER.
This is an excellent goblin
for only 2 mana.
you get protection from
blue, the goblin's arch
nemesis. T'hrow in the
fact that you get a +2/4-o
for each other attacking
goblin andyou have an
excellent addition to your
goblin deck. rkowever you
may want to watch out
for the card Engineered
Prague. This can shut
dawn your entire goblin
deck. Wouldn't this 6e a
pity of the gravest extent
"Oh Dark One"? So until
next time, sons of Satan,
burn your babies at the
stake, always praise the
Dark Lord and always
remember that your
I... yarents love
rr Worst)
,op .en
Bands Of All Time
1.) Phish-hippie funk is the worst
thing to ever be invented
2.) Insane Clown Posse-the worst rap
group of all time. No redeeming quali
ties
3.) Jimmy Buffet- He just sucks
4.) Creed- My current least favorite
band. Sucks harder than a sweeper
5.) Puddle Of Mudd- The lyric "I like
the way you smack my ass" should be
changed to "I want to shoot myself in
the face for being in such a terrible,
terrible band.
6.) Kid Rock- Ok, you sold millions
of records and got to sleep with Pamela
Anderson. Will you please go away?
7.) Godsmack-These guys rock hard.
If you consider these guys hard rock
you probably own a few ecomugs
8.) Matchbox 20- Washed up enough
to play at Behrend.
9.) The Clarks/Buzz Poets- That Chas
ing Girls song is the worst and most
annoying song ever, no wait,
Copenhagen Girl is. Pittsburgh rock
is a landfill.
10.) DAVE- actually Dave Mathews is
very talented, but his fans ruin it for
me. Actually just his fans that call him
by just "Dave". He wouldn't call you
"Karen" if he saw you. Like you know
him. Unless he is on your speed dial,
call him by his full name. He also has
a band with him.
If SOO
" 11 1 4 * MIST
4/110:
Q: What has 6 legs, blond hair and
prowls Michael Jackson's dreams?
A: Hanson
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