Ross Lockwood & Mike
Butala, Humor Page Editor
The Behrend Beacon
Things that are
Cool
Michael Butala
In case you haven't noticed, my
definition of humor is very different than
that of most people. Now, I know a lot
of you hate me, and let me assure you
that I hate you more, or equally, back,
but here are a list of some things that
everyone finds equally funny.
Stick Figures Having Sex - This was
funny in the third grade, and 13 years
later I still chuckle at this stuff. I like it
even more because you don't know who
has the wang and who has the jar-jar.
It's like the cast of "Family Ties" is hav
ing an orgy, minus Mr. and Mrs. Keaton.
Farting - I never do this, but it always
gets a rise of me in class; who doesn't
crack up at the sounds of flatulence?
Kids fart in my classes all the time, and
let me tell you, when it's stinky, it's that
much funnier.
Funny Words - I was doing a group
project in my management class about
Johnson and Johnson, and Slim
Reinhardt pointed out the phrase "panty
shields" which is obviously hilarious,
especially in text. So I continued to read
more of this fascinating portrayal o
business strategies, and also came across
"diarrhea" and "vaginal yeast infection."
Now these are ONLY funny out of con
text because these words are not funny
when you're watching television with
your mommy; then it's just grosser than
seeing your dad naked on the trampo
line.
Carmen San Diego and Emailia
Airhardt 4.lliparguys' are funny bu
not too funny. It's funny that Waldo and
Carmen San Diego always have sex;
since no one can ever find them, one can
only assume. Carmen San Diego's
henchmen aren't funny though; they're
badasses, and that's a totally different
story.
Slapping Things Out of People's
Hands This is funny because people
have to pick up whatever they dropped.
This works very well when they have a
cup or soup or a baby in their hands.
It's even funnier if they have a baby IN
the cup of soup, like Thumbellina or
something, because as we all know, ba
bies covered in soup with bruises are
funnier than a "Mad About You" mara
thon.
Making Fun of People This is funny
because most people hate being made
fun of and they get mad and an angry
man is a funny man and there are so
many ways to make fun of people.
Might I suggest the freedom of press?
External Genital Touching This is a
classic. I partake in this about 10 times
a day; this also never gets old. It's funny
to absolutely everyone...except the guy
getting "sack-tappetl," People get so un
comfortable and it priceless. I'm not
saying you have to be angry, or the ob
vious antonym of angry "gay" to do this,
it doesn't mean anything except you
know how to make people laugh. If you
haven't tried this yet, you gotta try it out;
just not on me.
Bum Touching This is related to the
previous but only with the bum. This is
great because you can do it to girls too
and not be afraid of homophobes yell
ing at you, just angry boyfriends. I'm
probably the only boyfriend on this cam
pus that encourages guys AND girls to
touch my girlfriend's bum. Bum touch
ing, or rump grabbing some might call
it, divides into two spectrums; taking
credit for it and blaming someone else.
These are both awesome and I suggest
you try them both. They're cooler than
a birthday party for Paul Rieser.
Getting Wasted This is an open and
shut case. End of story!
So there you have it, funny things
that aren't offensive. So have a really
gay Thanksgiving; gay as in "happy"
homophobe!
Domo arigato Mr. Roboto. Domo -
Domo. Domo - Domo.
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Warning: Swamp ass invades Behren
That's right, folks. You heard it hear
first, just like when you heard the War of
1812 never hap
pened from the
humor section.
But 1 am not here
to talk about
swamp ass. Be
cause as we all
know, swamp ass
doesn't affect us
unless we are fat
or around a fat
person. Instead I
am going to
BEN TITUS
ramble. The first
thing I plan on talking about is the
World's Strongest Man competition.
That was the coolest sporting event ever
and it gets no respect. To this day, I don't
know why it isn't on prime-time network
television instead of ESPN 2 at 3 in the
morning
Well, one reason may be be
cause someone from Iceland always wins
and do you know why? Because they
cheat. But on an interesting side note
did you know that Iceland is really a
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Have you ever not gone to a party? I don't know, maybe you have better things to do, such
as hand frottage or balancing a chemical equation consisting of aluminum aulfate? By the way,
the equation would look like this if you were wondering: Al3+ + 5042- --> A12(504)3.
Well, anyways, your comrade gets home from the party and proceeds to tell you that "There
were a ton of girls there, you should have gone." This is a strictly rhetorical statement, due to
the fact that the meager number of girls at this college would never prompt a statement like this
out of any still breathing male's oral cavity.
This declaration, a ton of people, is not really as much as you would believe.
Take for example a normal person. The average mass of an American lady is approximately
152.6 pounds, according to me. A metric ton is equal to 20)0 American pounds. If you do the
calculation (2,(X)Olbs/152.6) you will see that this is only equal to approximately 13.11 (rounded
Ross Lockwood to two decimal places) humans. So when they make that ridiculous comment to you, you can
respond with "You mean 13.11?" Then watch his jaw drop faster than the Titanic sinking. Actually, the Titanic took a very
long time to sink, but lam trying to fill up space in my column. . .
Well, anyways this absurd comment deserves some sort of violent reaction. The only comment that is more ridiculous
is when people say that condoms can't be reused. All you have to do is turn them inside out or wash them with Lava soap. I
would recommend pounding on your friends head with a garbage can lid, then putting him in the garbage can and rolling him
down the hill by the million-dollar stair case. Either that or gluing the gas can lid of car shut. This way when he goes to get gas.
he won't be able to get it off. His car will he worthless. Here are some conversions from the American system to the metric
system. The metric system was discovered in China by Marco Polo in his search for Blackheard's Gold on the Santa Maria.
This subsequently led to the war of 1812.
You know what band reall stinks? Phish. I think that the way they spell their name is really funny. I mean. ph could
be pronounced as an F. Also playing 45-minute songs is really awesome. They should put a national limit on songs to 10
minutes No wonder all of their fans are hippies, you would have to be tripping your mind out to sit through one of their sets.
You know what is orange and looks good on a hippie? FIRE!!
More Roommate Stuff
Here are some more off-the-wall antics from my roommate. I have to vent somehow, and I feel that writing about them is the best way.
Remember those room checks, where our rooms were checked to make sure nothing was a fire hazard? My roommate cherishes that paper they gave us when
they were done; she framed it and taped it on our door with about 15 pieces of duct tape. Whenever someone passes our room she yells at them, "COME INTO OUR
ROOM! WE'RE NOT A FIRE HAZARD ANYMORE!!" I really don't remember when we were a fire hazard.
In August, I brought up to college this huge jar of applesauce. I ended up forgetting about it and it stayed in my closet, unopened, until about 2 weeks ago. I
found it and asked my roommate if she wanted it, and she said yes. She opened it, ate two spoonfuls and set it on top of the microwave. About a week later I looked
Megan Loncanc
• inside the jar... there was so much mold in it; it was so gross. I placed it in the garbage, intending to take it out with the rest of the trash later that day. When I got
back from class, I found the jar sitting again on top of the microwave with the label, "Do not throw away ever again." I figured she was saving it for some science
experiment, but I was wrong. She apparently named the mold, "Bob," and intends to keep it until it starts to walk around the room.
Everybody knows the Christmas season is coming. You can feel it in the air. My roommate somehow stole a life-size Nativity scene from home and brought it up here. I don't know where she was
able to hide it. But one day I came home from class and there was the whole scene set up in the middle of our floor. I asked her about it. Her reply? "I have to let them stay here. There's no room
at the inn."
Most people ask me why I don't move out or complain to Housing about my roommate. I tell them, "Then where would I get my articles from?"
A' ir
Fryday, November 22, 2002
heavily vegetated and green country,
while Greenland is actually covered in
ice! What the hell were those
crazy Vikings thinking? I tell
ya what and this is just me talk
ing but those Vikings don't
even compare to the Behrend
Hockey Team. I hear those
weirdoes gather every stray cat
on campus, get them drunk,
and throw them off the gorge.
The reason they get them
drunk is to ensure they don't
land on their feet when they hit
•
f
bottom.
But I hate to reflect on such
negative actions so I will let you in on
a little tidbit I heard in Bruno's to earn
extra money. Need cash guys? Don't
worry because with limited on campus
housing there is an unreal demand on
your dorm rooms. But we all know you
don't want to move off campus, so there
is only one thing you can do. Freak
your roommate out so he leaves and
rent his bed without informing hous
ing of your roommate's departure. But
you ask how? Well, I have several
The Metric System is Dope
Clip Art
Battle of the Week
(Robots versus Bears with Lasers)
ideas. The first is memorizing your
roommate's schedule and set it up so ev
ery time he enters the room he catches
you masturbating. If that doesn't scare
him away this one will for sure: Come
into the room late and night and crawl
into bed with him. When he asks if you're
drunk just reply "no" and lick your lips.
Personally I think earning cash by rent
ing your roommate's half of the room is
the best decision since the U.S.S.R.
named Vladimir Fedorovich as designer
general of KB Yuzhnop, in
Dnepropetrovsk, Ukraine in 1978.
Which reminds me Christmas is just
around the corner. We all know there are
a lot of accidents this time of the year so
if you find yourself drunk while sled
riding please drive home and take a cold
shower. My Christmas list is Footloose
on DVD, pictures of Brice's sister, a life
size cardboard cut out of Joe Paterno,
Tommy's porn collection, and booze.
And who can forget New Years, so here
is your Y2K tip of the day: when the end
of the world begins remember Genera
tors will turn into robots and KILL YOU
at madden.
•
~irs
•
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r"frit .
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.• . •
•
• ,i;•k.
behrcolls@aol.com
Magic: The Gathering :
Tip of the Week I
Behold, merchants and"
the 1
Sorcerers!! The Magic tnei
Gathering 'fly
( cf the Week
„g l
will brow the ack - finger- 1
nail polish of_your bony,'
girl - hands!! This week's tip'
comes from Shuaku, thel
Tndhringer. If your oy
osition brings out the card'
of vampire tutor, ye shall
not wallow in the cloud ofi
one thousand - deaths. Sim-1
ply summon the Riptide'
simpe shifter, which has'
I
ihrinite_power against the'
undead. (And - wiiiie you area
fighting
the foul beasts of,
the underworld - u the sev- 1
enth level - of TfacieS, remem-I
her what the white ma i- 1
,
cian of Lancelot said `4l
- 1
write upon the clean white'
archment with a sharpel
quill and the Mood
students, divining their sel
crets."
Top Ten Way,o to
Get Out of Ciao
10.) Pretend you have to tinkle more than
a nun at a fraternity party.
9.) Fake cough and go for a drink of water.
8.) Explain to the teacher that you really
need a cigarette.
7.) Fake a body nose, explain you have
tuberculosis, if necessary.
6.) Run out of the class when the teacher's
back is turned.
5.) Run out of the class when the teaches
is facing you
4.) Wear a suit and tie and tell them you
have a job interview in after 10 minutes
3.) Signal the pointer finger at the door and
make it look like you have something re
ally important to tell someone in the hall
2.) Spill coffee on yourself.
I.) Stay in bed. •
ilt. Teddy the Garden Gnome says:
; "Gee Whiz, new Humor page
..
1 ,—,.... ?record; 22 pieces of Clip-Art this
issue. Whee!"
Paul Reiser cordially reminds you to
"Annoy Ross Lockwood
and Michael Butala with
your complaints and leave
Kevin Fallon alone. Send
all praise and hate mail to
behrendbeacon@
hotmail.com. Rock on!"
4.
f,
•
40' 4 '
• <-A1
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