Ross Lockwood, Humor Page Editor
(M. Butala, The Man)
The Behrend Beacon
Michael Butala
Oppression at
Behrend...
...is nonexistent. Everyone runs
around like truck-driving neighbors
downstairs yelling how oppressed they
or their organization are but, in my
opinion and the opinion of many others
at this school, Behrend is the most
liberal school in the galaxy and beyond.
However, people still shout out about
how gays are bashed or broads are
undermined. But you know what? You
aren't. If any sort of prejudice is
evident, it surely is in jest.
The main use of this vocal outrage is
nothing but a shameless exhibition of
promotion of their organization. For
example, the only reason people even
know of Trigon is because they always
whine about oppression. It's not their
posters. The only actual group of
people that ARE subjugated to oppres
sion are the goth kids, because no one
really does like those people and
probably never will.
When you think about it, the Humor
Page is more oppressed then anything.
You have no idea how much unfounded
headaches we get from our contribution
to the paper. The only other group of
people more oppressed than the Humor
Page is fat, anarchist, lazy people.
Their government oppresses them.
America, for example, has oppressed
people like me since 1783. Since then
and still today they have a capitalistic
strategy on a type of impractical form
of military breeding of America's youth
called Halloween. Think about it, man.
Every Oct. 31 kids across the country,
go running and basically pillaging
people's homes for candy, dodging
large canines and hurdling shrubbery in
the process. A recent study showed that
since Desert Storm, military costume
sales have risen 137 percent, which is a
significant margin.
I went as a girl back in junior high
and showed all the guys my little
boobies. I got quite the reaction. I
haven't dressed up in my college
tenure, but I got wasted many a time.
Kids run door to door for hours for $5
worth of candy and I don't care where
you grew up or the status of your
family, but $5 was NEVER a lot of
money and never will be.
What is the deal with these "fun
sized" candy bars while we're on the
subject? What is fun about a smaller
candy bar? If you want to see fun, get
those huge-ass king-sized candy bars.
Kids know what fun is and fun is big.
It's ironic how these candy bars are
labeled "fun size" in a society obsessed
with large objects. But girls always tell
me that size doesn't matter and that it
happens to a lot of guys. I'm still not
sure what they are talking about, but I
take it as a compliment.
Now I know most of you may argue
that dressing up in costumes comes
from the age-old tale of All Hollow's
Eve, and that just proves that the
brainwashing is effective. I highly urge
your generation to put an end to trick or
treating and hopefully I've expressed
clearly how Halloween is a metaphor
for nuclear war, which illustrates why
pirates should be allowed in the Multi-
Cultural Room.
Some people complain a lot about their roommate, and usually it's over petty things. I admit, I complain more than others, but I think I have a right to. My roommate is odder
than all of yours put together.
Example one: She uses a lot of Windex. Now, you're probably thinking, "Okay, so what? She likes clean windows." No, you got it all wrong; she uses this Windex on the floor.
When she's not at class or working, she is on her hands and knees cleaning the floor using Windex.
Example two: My roommate never, ever does laundry. But that doesn't seem to bother her because she brought up so many pieces of clothing that she really doesn't need to do
laundry until we all go home in May. The only problem with that is the fact that she stores all her dirty clothes under her bed and then complains about the smell.
Megan Loncaric
Example three: My roommate isn't fat. She's not even pregnant. But she tells people she is so they won't think she's a pig for eating all the food that she does. "Guys, the baby
wants Fritos..." You think that's a little odd? Not compared t 0...
Example four: My roommate likes to spend quality time out-of-doors. I guess this isn't really a bad quality to have, but when I woke up one morning and looked out the window, there she was, in her cow
pants and leopard-print fur coat humping th e tree by the p ar king lot. She does this every morning, apparently. She sets the alarm for exactly 7:57a.m., wakes up, throws on the coat, and races down three flights of
stairs faster than a fat kid running at a Happy Meal.
I don't know why she does these things. I stopped asking questions a long time ago because I got no real answer, "The midgets made me do it. They knock on the door and then they run away!" 0-kay...
U 5
11'
If what my grandma tells me is true, then, inevitably, I am
going to Hell. This has worried me for years...until recently. I was
taking my weekly shower when the water became increasingly hot.
This was an inconvenience not only because it burned, but it was
also making my beer warm, as I was accompanied by a six pack.
Being too lazy reach down and adjust the hot and cold knobs to
achieve an acceptable temperature, I stood there scalding myself.
My brain began talking to me on the inside of my head. It
raised the question, "Would Hell really be that bad? Wouldn't you
eventually get used to the heat?" I pondered this for half a second
before I responded, "No, Hell wouldn't be that bad."
I understand that there is heat, fire, and ragged clothing. I
also hear that there is so much mental anguish that you pull your hair
out by the roots. But, wouldn't you eventually run out of hair? You
are there for an eternity, so I guess it would grow back. How long does it take for your hair to grow back? A month? But
even so, at least you would get a couple of weeks off!
•
Charlie Gaglione
So what if you have ragged clothing? Abercrombie is evil anyways, they probably have a store on every corner in
Hades. I prefer dirty clothes. You never have to worry about them. Have you ever been sketchy about sitting in the grass or
leaning up against a wall at a party? It wouldn't matter in Hell, because you would already be dirty!
Speaking of partying, underage drinking and unsafe sex is not only condoned it is encouraged! Plus, the chicks are
probably easy to boot!
Someone once told me that in Hell you are falling for eternity. I asked them, "How is this that Hellish?" If that
were the case, Hell would be Heaven for sky divers. Sky divers would purposely pillage entire villages to go to hell.
Besides all the physical trauma inflicted on your soul, there is probably a buttload of cool stuff down there. Pirates
are cool, and they are in hell. I bet cigarettes are free, not to mention all the crack you can fit up your nose. Don't worry
about overdosing, you are already dead!
So don't fear hell, accept it. The way I see it, the only thing bad about hell would be that there are probably a lot of
people wearing corduroy pants. Don't these people know they haven't been cool since 1994? If you wear corduroy pants,
expect to go to hell, you deserve it. But don't worry, hell ain't that bad.
c Ftic) RcJcics and. So::la= Fainfl.ll_
40/6
You know what a delicious cereal is? Life cereal. It has wholesomely
fead America's youth for many generations. This fact has left smiles on
mommies' faces this big . And for good reason, it has about
11 essential vitamins and nutrients (give or take a few). Nothing personified
Life cereal more than its cute, playful, rolly-polly spokesperson Mikey. The
saying is "Mikey likes it!!" Did Mikey like it? He may have very well
enjoyed indulging himself in a bowl or two. There is also something else that Mikey enjoyed, perhaps a little too
much since it cost him life and his role as idol to small boys and sex symbol to flat, elementary school girls. Have
you ever wondered why Mikey no longer is on the box of Life? Well, there is a "Mikey" but he is about as cute
as my dad's ass. It's not the real one. It's not because Mikey got too old. That is out of the question. It's cause
he's dead as a doorknob. I think we all know what lam talking about, but we like to keep it on the down low,
you know, hush-hush.
It all started one faithful day in 1982. Mikey was introduced to something
that would change his life, and in my opinion, the course of modern history forever:
what we affectionately know as pop rocks. He was preached not to mix that with his
favorite drink at the time, Jolt Cola. Of course being a superstar cereal boy, he
didn't listen. He mixed the Watermelon pop rocks with his aforementioned Jolt.
Next thing you know, he was he was kicking dogs and cats. He just frottaged. (See
figure 1) He continued to mix the two, until one day his stomach exploded. This
can happen. His last words were, "Oh my god, I never saw boobies, except my
Ross Lockwood
mom's."
I was watching this movie recently and someone's stomach also exploded
It was rather amusing, yet not so. It was about this bunch of high school kids going
back to a high school reunion. Oh yeah, in the beginning of the movie these kids
killed this nerd. They locked him in the chemistry lab, a good place for a dead nerd,
and burnt him to death. The nerd decided that he was going to get these street
toughs back. He comes back alive. Then he decides to set up a fake high school
reunion, inviting only the kids that killed him. The six of them arrive at the reunion, and even though no one else
is obviously coming, they go in. There is a lot of beers and, interestingly enough, a beer bong. I thought this was
a weird thing to have at a high school reunion, but sure enough this guy decided to do a beer bong. After funnel
ing the beer, his stomach explodes everywhere. The others think this is scary and weird, but continue to drink the
beer. Then this one girl goes up to take a bath, since she has blood on her. I don't know of any high schools that
have bathtubs in them. But old horror movies love to show confusing nudity. Well, anyways, her stomach gets
ripped out, too, even though it was by the nerd, not by beer or pop rocks. That is when the movie turns into a
fantasy, in my opinion. The nerd ends up getting his revenge, which never happens. I watched a lot of "Saved By
The Bell" and if I know one thing, its that nerds are only good for a few things. One of these things is stuffing
them into lockers and the other is making cute talking robots who help out on homework and sex.
H. Pre-adolescent
umor
riday, October 25, 2002 00 0 ,10* -
Next Stop .Coopersville
The Whole Roommate Thing
B i z.
Clip Art Battle
Figure 1
Chuggin'
Charlie
A painful mix of tequila,
beer and wings made
Chuggin' Charlie go
bonkers. He claims that he
drank "enough tequila to
knock a Mexican off his
donkey." Among other
things, he started a tab at
Jimmy Z's; walked back to
Behrend in the rain while
wearing only socks; ate a
goldfish; fell out of a car
onto his face; and passed
out in the doorway of his
bathroom where he shame
fully wet his underoos.
I
I To submit a "Boozehound of the 1
Week" email
behrendbeacon@hotmail.com. I
,
If anyone thinks Eco Mugs
are cool, guess what? They
are for nerds, therefore you
are a nerd if you have one.
Here's the part where we'd
show a picture of an Eco Mug
and show you how much
they suck, but we're too lazy
to take a picture of them and
we'd have to be nerds to
poessess one, so just take our
word when we say, that Eco
Mugs are as cool as Urkel.
Not when he goes back in
time and becomes
"Stephon," but the one who
sucks.
Page'