Page 8
The Behrend Beacon
MORE GOOD TIMES
MEGAN LONCARIC
Hey. Random fun fact: People in history did some
pretty wacky things. For instance, in Greece, they would
construct a huge penis and dance around it. They called this
"theater." Then they would have these other people carry in
huge penises and they called them - actors." This is as I
understand it from my theater class, and I'm probably
mistaken. Anyway, back by popular indifference, here are
some more crazy antics from everybody's favorite
department store:
Set up a campsite in the camping department- We set up
the camping stuff and proceeded to sit around lir 15 minutes
until a janitor told us to clean it up. That's his job! What a
slacker.
Catch things frimi the other aisles using the fishing rods
five minutes of doing this produced a headache and someone
knocking over a big box of stuff from the top of the aisle.
See if other customers have any Grey Poupon - Most
popular reply to this was, - No." One person told us that we
remind him of when he was young and stupid. Jackass.
Play with the automatic doors- This is way more fun than it
should have been.
Attempt to put others into very large gym bags We
asked people, "Hey, can we put you in here?" Note to self:
Don't ask if you can do it. Just do it and see what happens.
Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out - The
record was six hours, but he didn't get kicked out. He just
had to leave to go to work.
It's been crazy. See ya next time
:Charlie Gaglione
I'm Not GAY
• Now l' RI not a homophobe or anything, it's
j •
. •
:ust that I don't like it when guys touch me. It's •
•
gross so don't do it. If you're gay, fine, just don't •
•
•get gay on me or my friends (either of them). •
• Now, I had a best friend in high school who:
• •
*went to college before me. When he came back he •
• •
•gave me a hug. Now, I was a little uneasy consid- •
• •
ering this was the first time (besides my dad, and •
:the occasional slap of the hands) that I had ever :
•
:had actual physical contact with another male. •
;When I confronted him later about my concerns,
;he called me a homophobe and said that, "If you
;go to college, you'll understand." •
•
• I don't know what that meant, but I'm in •
• •
college and I feel no different. One thing that has :
*changed is that I now have the ability to admit •
• •
°when another man is good looking. I have con- •
• •
•cocted a list of 10 men who I think are good •
• •
looking, even though I'm not gay. •
• •
• •
•1.) Brad Pitt
•
.2.) Ryan T. Reinhardt
:3.) Jackie Gleason
:4.) The Guy who played Otter in Animal House
:5.) Ryan Phillipe
:6.) Denzel Washington
A.C. Slater from "Saved By the Bell"
The Young Frank Sinatra
Charlie Gaglione
:10.) Every Guy in 98 Degrees
Li 5
vlit%/
Now, some of these will be rants and some will only be a couple
BEN TITUS words, but none the less I hope they entertain you more than the
crap you have been forced to read lately. So here I go.
SPACE SHUTTLES - Space shuttles are the most overrated thing ever! I mean
seriously, what have we gained from going to outer space? Wow, cool pictures of things no
one cares about. The only thing that goes on in space is muscle atrophy and kinky, kinky,
space sex with vegetables and monkeys in the background. And what about the people who
have this kinky sex, like the first female astronaut, Sally Ride? Do you want to know what
Sally Ride is doing? Sally Ride is busy looking out for Sally Ride! If she saw you lying on
the road not only would she not stop to help you but she would also try to spit on you. Space
shuttles make me sick.
CAMOUFLAGE Okay, once upon a time camouflage was useful but with modern
weapons it's pointless. Especially since most secretive operations happen at night. I got
news for the guy who is painting his face, as we speak. When they blow up the building
you're in it doesn't matter if the missile can see you or not. Well, I guess it has a use for one
group of people: Perverts! I mean, I always see Mike Butala painting his face and peeking
into girls windows. I still find it overrated.
WOOKIES Wookies are the dumbest and hairiest animals ever. The Wookie
should have stayed with Han Solo because now it's going to be hurting. I mean, this "Star
Wars" creature is so dumb that it would mess around with a girl who was dating some guy
that weighs 240 pounds and takes martial arts. Oh yeah, the guy probably has a group of
very violent friends who are prone to action. . _
BEHREND HOCKEY Behrend hockey is overrated just for existing! I mean, I
have heard of things that suck but this takes the cake. Behrend hockey lost the other weekend
to Slippery Rock 15-0! That is like losing 200 3 in basketball. Not only do they suck, but
they lost to an inferior state school. I think maybe that entire team should get out of Behrend.
DEAD BABY JOKES What can I say; these are the worst jokes ever. They make
my stomach queasy every time I hear them. I always hear jokes coming from the ZBT
bench at Bruno's. GROW UP GUYS!
CROSS FIRE This was the worst game ever. I remember the commercials for
this game and just thought, WOW. Let me refresh you on this game. Crossfire is where
there are two objects and you try shooting them into your opponent's side. I thought this
game was going to be the next "Hungry Hungry Hippos" but instead it was the next "Mouse
Trap"
THE PRINCESS DIARIES Now, I thought this was the worst film ever and I
believe most of the population agreed with me, but I was wrong. The one man I know that
loves this more than anything is Tommy Winchell. I cannot describe how much Tommy
Winchell loves "The Princess Diaries" but if I had to I would describe it like this: If I was on
AOL Instant Messenger I wouldn't use just a smiley face but the big smiley face where you
can see grinning teeth. As much as Tommy loves "The Princess Diaries," I still believe it is
overrated. But not his cute smileo.
This article was supposed to be about hippies and the blight they have placed on society, but due to
recent events in my life, it will instead be about something far worse: cell phones. You see, despite what
prospective cell phone users may think, they are evil. Cell phones are manufactured by Beezlebub,
Lucifer, and maybe even the devil, too.
My problems with cell phones are deep rooted in my conscience. I really dislike people who make it
their business to annoy others around them, and since the invention of cell phones, it became infinitely
more easy for them to do so. At first people thought it was "blingin" to have cell phones, and at the prices
back then, it was. But nowadays, every dirtball in the country can afford one. And this brings up the
question of, why do they need one? Simply put, they don't. Who are they going to call, their other dirtball
friends? Exactly. Inter-dirtball communication is something that needs to be kept to a minimum, especially in public, where they would be
using their cell phones.
Ahh, but I digress. The reason why I'm writing this article is because on my way back to school on Sunday night, I stopped at a
grocery store to get some supplies for the week(if this were any other state than Pennsylvania, supplies would be beer.) While in line at the
check out, the hip young fellow in front of me was engaged in a two-way call: For those uninitiated to cell phone lingo, this is the type of
call that allows you to hold your cell phone away from your head and talk in a sort of walky-talky conversation. One person talks, the
phone beeps, and then the other person talks, as made popular by world renowned actor Denis Franz. So basically, myself and everyone
around this punk could hear the whole conversation. As I stood there, wishing something heavy would fall on him, my arms tensed and my
blood pressure slowly rose. I was fighting off the urge to smash him in the face with my jar of pickles. What the hell was so important that
he had to annoy everyone around him? Could it have waited until he got back to his phat pad? Rather than ask him about it, I paid for my
groceries and tore ass outta the parking lot in my 'B9 Cierra. I guess I'm just a wuss with a badass car.
Another thing that I'm sure everyone has noticed is, as I pointed out in my column last week, that everywhere on campus that was
once quiet and serene is now populated by people with cell phones. Walk around anywhere on campus after its dark, and you'll see people
with cell phones. Who are they talking to? Obviously someone far too important to call from the privacy of their own room. Although
maybe this is a benefit, because the campus is now safe from late night pickpockets and brigands.
One positive thing about cell phones is that they grant their user impeccable fashion sense. All that needs to be done is simply
affix them to the outside of your belt when not in use, and tuck in the front of your shirt. This way, even when you're not talking on your
cell phone and alerting everyone in your vicinity that you suck, they will see your cell phone, and immediately think better of you.
Another tip to gain the acceptance of your peers is to check your email on your cell phone during class. Be sure not to do it
discreetly, though. Be loud about it and make a lot of noise when doing so. People who are less debonair than you will respect the fact that
you're much higher on the savvy food chain.
Ben Foote
And finally, if you're driving, be sure to utilize this time alone to talk on your cell phone. It will free your "extra" hand from the
steering wheel and allow you to focus your attention on that important phone call you needed to make. Talking on your cell phone in heavy
traffic will also alert nearby drivers that you will be functioning at your highest level of alertness during subsequent lane changes.
I hope this article has alerted you to the pros and cons of cell phones. I also hope that the next time you use your cell phone, you
explode
Teddy Ruxspin Preache
"Catholic girls are
IMPOSSIBLE to get t
second base within"
Sammy Says:
"Neil Diamond rocks!"
......Ross,L
Humor ft
Friday, October 4, 2002 - #
5t 4 64-
.
o n (Ritter 'WI •e a
I realized a "Ben Titusless" humor section sucks, so
I'm back and here to please. The last couple humor sections
also made me realize how overrated the humor section is without
me, so this week I decided to write about other overrated things.
Tip Your Bartender: The Devil
Pornstar
,ockwood, Humor Page Editor
(M. Butala, Humor Page Co-Editor)
E
I Owners of the Papa Smurf
Beer Bong in Ohio Hall
I love Gargamel and Papa Smurf is
fairly rad, too, so naturally anyone
who has a Papa Smurf Beer Bong
is "fairly" cool. But what's with
the case of Coors Light in the
background and is that a Skyy Blue
I see on the desk? Capitalist
wussies!
, ,/
TOP TEN PLACES TO WANG CHUNG
10.) The mall
9.) Westbury Retirement home
8.) In the belly of a whale
7.) Back stage at an 0-Town concert
6.) Jimmy Z's
5.) Under a coconut tree
4.) The airport
3.) In the back of a pickup truck
2.) At the Skins house
1.) Canada
WAAAAANNGGGGGG
tutttmtm B=D,