Behrend Beacon
There are so many good movies out there with plots that really smell. These are the movies that everyone agrees trip the light
fantastic but then you sit back and think of the past two hours in your life and say, "What the hell!?!"
At a regular high school basketball game, Scott Howard suddenly transforms himself and resembles the majority of sorority broads at
the Behrend College. Yes, my friends, I'm talking about "Teen Wolf." The whole movie is based on the fact that no one cares about the
fact that this normal average guy turns into a wolf. I mean if I was playing basketball and some guy turned into a werewolf, I'd run
faster than a broad leaving a ZBT party. However, I must add that the best friend "Stiles," the ganja-toking rad sunglasses wearing
wildman is awesome, and when I say "awesome" I mean "totally sweet".
You hate your baby brother and wish he'd disappear and who comes to your aid and relinquishes you from your troubles? Who else
Winslow but David Bowie, obviously? The movie "Labyrinth" focuses on a hot broad running through a maze to get back Toby, her younger
ho totally smells anyway. This movie combines every girl's, and some guys', ultimate sexual fantasy with the world's worst acid trip with a wonderful musical
II pus lock has turned to this, I wish I were never born at all. Even though I enjoyed the superfluous Bowie crotch shots as much as getting my pinky caught in a
r. I Mill must say I prefer The Great White Hype or Ziggy Stardust over Jerod the Goblin King.
I )I)( liro‘k ii said. "If your going to time travel, why not do it with style?" and I totally agree. However I don't think a phone booth is the stylish route to go.
id I.\cellent Adventure" is a wicked sweet movie, but the whole idea behind the movie is bogus. The whole future of the world is hanging on riff of Wyld
' I 'in not buying it. Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves are by far retarded in the movie yet no where at all do they imply that they do lines of blow or shoot smack.
un't ell drink beer, they are just simply retarded. Keanu Reeves should just hang out with his dad Christopher Reeves and talk about how they both suck. If they
playing air guitar and more time playing regular guitar, they could serious play some dope chords. In the future air guitar will be a major instrument in
In nn hand all we're going to play is air guitar, the jug and the stereo. It will seriously rock the socks off your butt, unless you wear socks on your feet or hands as
I,ich to School" is by far the most unrealistic movie I ever seen. Sure some things are very accurate. I still can't understand how Robert Downey Jr. plays a
')ll , ,in , freak with no friends so well and how Burt Young plays a dirty bully who beats up people. Even the triple lindy is fairly realistic. My major qualm with
Iv it' i\ th.it Keith Gorden gets some from a broad that, for the 80s, is fairly decent without the aid of roofies. I mean, c'mon, throw me a bone here. I usually watch
\ hen l'in drunk so I can only assume I miss something in the movie every time I watch it.
"I low did two twits from Tucson mistake this place for a mall?" Exactly my point. I don't care if you're as dumb and naïve, no one, and I mean NO ONE could
ink tho Rio Dome is a mall.' Granted Bud and Doyle were a bunch of reefer addicts but I know a lot of reefer addicts, heck I know guys who have done lines of
'clef , long. I know naked dinosaur babies who are test tube supplements for brain-dead albino homicidal, goth, Magic: the Gathering playing freaks. I totally lost
n of thought hut you can't possibly swallow the ass-tainted story line of this movie, although there are mad hot broads in it. I bet you cry in your sleep as well.
.tick. Why do you waste your time reading this crap? It's not even funny and doesn't make sense. I wish I could hunt you down kick your ass for being so
Have you ever read those 50 Fun Things to Do at Wal-
Mart? No? Well, I have. Most actually are quite fun. One
day not too long ago a group of about five of us tried to
see how far we could get on the list before the Wal-Mart
Police kicked us out of the store. Here are just a few
action-packed options at this wonderful playground
created by Sam Walton.
Fill shopping carts up with random things and leave
them in strategic locations. - We filled a cart up with
boxes of tampons and put it in the automotive depart
ment; got a little basket and filled that up with boxes of
oiti and put it in the baby clothes/strollers department. Then we stood back to watch.
ing happened. Just some employee swearing as he took the cart and basket back to
they were supposed to go.
clan Loncaric
Ride the merry-go-round in front of the store. - People just looked at us weird;
said anything, so we left. Plus, we ran out of quarters.
Set all the alarm clocks so they go off every 10 minutes. None of the alarm clocks
able to he plugged in. Damn them.
See hoc many people you can get to join in a soccer game. Other than the five of us
rioup, We recruited an 8 year old and his brother. Fun times were had by all.
)1.1 \ I until the little kid knocked over a lollipop stand when he kicked the ball out of
1\1,11,c the auto department smell good by spraying afl the air:freWteiters. We
call , dhl 1111 , , m the perfume/cologne section. You know, if you spray them all together, it
llti like (itiiT My eyes arc still watering from the stench.
Fight the other customers with tubes of gift wrap. - The mom shopping for a
card with her two whiny kids didn't enjoy this one too much when someone
,icnt.IIIN smacked her over the head.
I.ca%c really had pick-up lines on the typewriters.. We actually did this on those
'II and SAN - toy s . "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" "Somebody failed... want to
here:'" This isn't the end of our fun. Some in our group decided to take a break for
le herhal enhancement. Watch for the rest of our fun-filled antics at Wal-Mart next time.
A -
City Wok Guy
I) "Group work" in classes will no longer take
place. If I would have known that my Penn State
tuition money involved classes where "the teacher
will be circulating to answer any questions," and the
majority of class time was sitting around a bunch of dumbasses giving dumb
look. to each other that know probably less than me, I would have invested
, i " money at a local nudie bar, where I could sit around and do the same thing.
I he onlything that would circulate would be some "dancer" around a pole.
I heretore. more conversation would take place. Questions would evolve like,
•11iiint. I wonder what the g-force/g-string relationship of that woman rotating
Arm degrees for 3.2 minutes is." Students would begin to think in-depth about
he n.\ orld around them, not just what's in front of them (even if it's something
like .in exotic ballerina).
itelidanee is completely optional. If I pay each month for cable TV and I
don't N.% atch TV every day, my cable bill is still the same. That should be the
.dine deal for college, right? Granted, if 1 watched some of the shows on TV
I'd he a smarter person. So would I if I attended class on a regular basis,
Ott ' This theory also works the other way. I'd probably be smarter if I
(11,In't sn atch some of the shows on TV (like stupid "Road Rules"). The
parallel' I can remember some classes where I walked in smarter than I came
(nit. Because of this, 1 stopped going to that class; and wouldn't you know it, I
aced the Mal! The point is, some people are very stupid, and they haven't
I igm ed this scheme out yet. (1 blame "Road Rules" ). They attend class
because they don't realize that the professor is just reciting what's in the $lOO
v,orth of textbooks you bought.
I hi , . rule cuincides with rule two. It states that professors and their classes
\‘ill he divided into two categories attendance required and attendance not
required. The "AR" profs are the ones who are weak and feeble and have
ahsolurely no control over their class, so they use the only last shred of
authority they have to threaten you your grade! They do this because if no
one v. ent to their classes, they would get fired because the administration
oidd figure out that their teaching sucked. These classes are generally easier,
hut may he difficult for some jocks because you do, after all, have to print you
name on the attendance sheet. The other group "attendance not required"
professors say things like "I don't care if you come to class, because if you
don't, there will be more space for everyone else." These profs usually have
something worthwhile to say, so therefore you should go to those classes. It's
one of those reverse psychology things.
rc rtile , , will he announced when they are deemed necessary
Movies You Hate to Love
gOOD 19VLES (A WAL-(MAR
?TTew Classroom Rules at Behrenc(
(or things that should be rules)
The following is a list of policies that are going to be
(at least should be) implemented in the classrooms of
Penn State Erie, The Behrend College.
izo
Rumort\
Friday, September 20, 2002 „d.
Are You a Wussy Feminist Broad?
Do you hate columnist and town drunk Michael
Butala? Do you want to set the rules for college
dating? Then email behrendbeacon@hotmail.com
and help set the standards with Michael Butala in a
e ebate to set the rules. Hardcore feminists only.
~ /
4 ‘'
t. ,
How to turn an Apple into a Cup
3
64/lie
Clip Art Battle
e%
ilL4f
1.) Grab a standard Red Delicious
2.) Buy a handle of Jim Beam
3.) Buy the Miracle Blade and
Perfection Juicer
4.) Make a wish
5.) Spin like a cyclone
6.) Add Jim Beam to Apple Cup
7.) Enjoy
, ss Lockwood sucks, Humor Page Editor
-b°ls
t,art t 4
OW
Pad a
.ter.
(M. Butala, Humor Page Co-Editor)
r I think I did more
stuff on this page this
I,,,eek than Ross
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STUMBLING
What can I say; this
award is long overdue tbr this
week's boozehound, Stumbling
Tim. Whether he is throwing his
own puke on a girl at a frat or
dancing to some FKA Dance CD
he is the life of any party. And
this weekend was no exception.
Tim was down in State College
this weekend fir the big game
but instead of watching it he
decided to drink a bottle of 7 and
much more. I finally saw Tim at
3 in the morning and he could
barely walk. We got him to an
apartment where he passed out
but then woke up to give some
inspirational words about
AlDSand other STDS. If we
could repeat these words there
would be.no doubt to anyone, •
that Stumbling Tim is this weeks
Boozehound of the Week.
I •
Girl Says Humor
Page 'Sucks,'
Editor Cries
By: Ross Lockwood
Today I was in the
Turnbull Building exiting one of
my fantastically amusing ac
counting classes. I overheard a
girl reading the paper and saying
"The humor page sucks, how
could anyone think this (exple
tive) is funny?" I doubt she knew
who I was, and I am even more
sure that she didn't see the large
teardrop falling out of my eye. I
ran back to my room and cried
into my pillow. I then proceeded
to eat a gallon of double choco
late ice cream and sulk. Eating
all that ice cream made me feel
fat. I hope you are happy, girl.
Cause you know what, you suck,
` and so does your mom.
TIM
The
End.