Karl Benacci, Features Editor
Boy bands must be stopped
The Backstreet Boys perform during the "United We Stand: What More Can I Give?" benefit concert
By Eric Edwards
The Orlando Sentinel
Boy bands are a nuisance.
Their shirts are too shiny, their hair
defies nature and, worst of all, they are
adored by women.
There is something about these guys'
ability to harmonize like choirboys and
at the same time shave crop circles into
their facial hair that makes them irre
sistible to the fairer sex, and it has to
stop.
I can forgive the shiny shirts, and
I'll admit that pop-music hair has come
a long way from the bouffant days of
the late 1980 s. But the boy bands' ap
peal to women could be affecting my
dating life and I can't stand for that.
Musicians have always had the up
per hand when irettmes to' picking up
the ladies, but while most musicians
don't live in Orlando, most boy bands
do.
This means that women who head
downtown here on a weekend night
could theoretically run into a 20-year
old singing sensation. I can't prove that
I have been passed over for a date be
cause of my inability to do a choreo
graphed dance routine, but it can't be
ruled out.
Crossword
ACROSS
1 Very distant
7 Hazy pollution
11 Definite article
14 First match
15 Garr of 'Tootsie"
16 OPEC product
17 Italian cheese
18 Makes suitable
again
20 "Cagney &
Lacer co-star
21 Foolish
22 Building wings
23 Short sleep
24 Seattle pros,
casually
27 Minute aquatic
organism
29 Prepared to play
30 Put in stitches
31 Golf standard
32 1 Know How He
Feels" singer
33 Deadlock
36 Study of
fermentation
39 Took seats
40 Writer O'Brien
42 Psychic's gift
43 Moray 7 Landing area
45 Danger signal 8 Get together
47 Apparitions 9 Major dental
51 Writer Norman process
52 Attention getter 10 Old Testament
53 Wry face hero
54 Atwood novel 11 Upper parts
56 Shelter," 12 Smack
Rolling Stones hit 13 'O2 British Open
57 Maxim winner
59 Work-shoe 19 Actor Ed
protection 21 Word with cry or
60 Ignited chest
61 Severn tributary 23 Six days after
62 Wacko Christmas
63 Sun's fall 25 Castro's island
64 Not as much 26 Brief quarrel
65 Trawled 28 Moroccan city
29 Veteran sailor
31 Young dog
33 Period In office
34 Concept
35 College in
Beverly, MA
37 NYC arena
38 Vote for
41 G-sharp
DOWN
1 Counterfeiter
2 Very handsome
man
3 Thaw again
4 Jackie's Aristotle
5 Bogs
6 To and
And while I wouldn't like to alter my
own behavior to attract women, I
would like to blame rich,
undertalented, overcoiffed boy-band
ers for my dating woes.
So I have been trying to figure out
how to get rid of all the people more
attractive than me, starting with the
boy bands.
But just when it seemed as if my
plan to have all the members of the
bands placed in a rocket and shot to
ward the sun was doomed, Lance Bass
of 'N Sync actually volunteered for the
job. And better yet, he volunteered to
foot the bill for his expulsion from this
planet.
Yes, this menace to all men stated a
few months ago that his dream was to
be launched into space. I support his
Self-exile 100 percent.
But there is now an obstacle that
threatens to keep Lance earthbound
and threatens the world with future 'N
Sync CDs: the Russians.
It makes sense, who other than our
former nuclear nemesis could be dia
bolical enough to keep Bass on this
planet?
No one, that's who.
But all hope is not lost. The Rus
sians, who have been training Bass to
0D 2002 Tribune Maio Services, Inc
Al rights nerved.
Solutions
44 Most covered in 52 Holy songs
bird droppings 55 Vanities
48 Fatal 56 No longer here
47 Itsy-bitsy 57 Capp and
48 Womanizer Capone
49 Merciful 58 Easy dessert?
50 Oozed 59 Can material
ri . sivitunas
notitun
Friday, September 13, 2002
be the youngest astronaut ever, have
placed a $2O million ransom on the
singer's head. The red menace claims
that if someone doesn't come up with
the cash, Bass will be shipped back to
the U.S., which could mean that 'N
Sync will remain together and con
tinue to perform at any time, any
where. No one would be safe.
Bass, who selflessly recognizes that
he should be floating in the cold, si
lent void of space, has been trying des
perately to raise the funds so that the
mission to save the planet from more
five-part harmonies can be completed.
But he needs our help. We, the citi
zens of this great nation, need to do
our part to make sure Bass is strapped
to a Russian Soyez rocket and hurled
into the galaxy. That means cash and
plenty of it.
Time is running short though. The
Russians have denied Bass a seat on
the shuttle due to lack of funds and
claim they will follow through on their
threat to keep him on this planet. So if
we can't satisfy their greedy demands
for money, we may be subjected to an
eternity of shiny shirts, obnoxious
songs and, worst of all, distracted
women who aren't exactly thrilled with
our hairstyles.
College says: Bring on the fun!
by Anabelle de Gale
Knight Ridder Newspapers
Cramming with a hangover, blowing
your budget, staying out all night.
Don't be a victim. Now there's help:
Freshman 101.
College freshmanosis - an
acute form of high school
senioritis - afflicts thousands of
incoming students annually.
Schools nationwide are combat
ing the highly contagious condi
tion by offering remedies for sur
viving campus life.
Close to 600 University of Mi
ami rookies have enrolled this se
mester in Freshman Experience,
a one credit elective course that
meets once a week for 75 min
utes, a revamped offering this
year.
"You've moved out of your
parents house. You can get up in
the morning or not. You can stay
out all night. Nobody is going to
check if you made it to that 8 a.m.
class. It's a lot of responsibility.
We're trying to show you how to
make the right choices," said instructor
Jan Williams-Eddleman, who is also the
director of the Center for Freshman Ad
vising.
The freshmen will be taught how to
"develop ideal test-taking strategies."
That's highfalutin professor talk for
"skip the keg party and stay home and
study."
They'll learn "financial responsibil
ity." Translation: Save your dough by
dining in on mac and cheese and tap
water.
With the course comes some required
reading: How to Win Friends & Influ
ence People and Becoming a Master
Student.
The I-wish-I-knew-that class covers
AIDS awareness, alcohol consumption,
r
I Through the looking glass
I by Mike Pingree, KRT Campus
IS THIS JUST BETWEEN US?
A San Antonio man had his friend steal his truck and then
was awarded a big insurance settlement and a new vehicle.
He would have gotten away with it had he not gone on a
radio talk show to brag about it.
A BARGAIN THEY COULDN'T PASS UP
A 40-year-old man had a thriving brain surgery practice
going in the oasis town of Fayoum, Egypt, where he saw 200
patients a week and operated on some of them. Police arrested
him when they found out he was grossly unqualified, having only a
OK PAL, LICENSE AND REGISTRATION
A policeman in Bethlehem, Pa., saw a heavily intoxicated
man driving down the street at 6:30 a.m. in a battery-operated
plastic child's car going 3 mph. The drunk ignored the cop when he
tried to pull him over so the officer got out of his car and caught up
t- -
1; //
//'
/4
creditcard debt, and health and wellness
support tools, Williams-Eddleman said,
to make sure they return to school the
following year.
Nationwide, the freshman-to-sopho
more dropout rate at four-year colleges
Kristen Hoglund, 20, dances with her roommate, Eve
Tucker, 21, while at Legends at the University of Illinois in
Champaign-Urbana, following finals week in May 2002.
was 25.9 percent in 2001, according to
American College Testing.
Freedom from restrictions is the pri
mary reason students fail early in their
college careers.
Even the self-described "socially con
servative" Theresa Valentini of Fort
Lauderdale registered for the class to
help her cope with her new indepen
dence and environment.
"I'm not one to party much," the 19-
year-old on-campus resident said. "But
it's overwhelming. My parents are strict.
I had to be home by midnight, and they
always wanted to know where I was go
ing. That all changes, plus you're away
from everything that is familiar."
The need for first-year orientation
programs has caught on around the
sixth-grade education.
But his price was affordable: $5 per patient
with him on foot.
The man was charged with public drunkenness and
released when he sobered up.
IBMAN
The dangers of urban slang
The Behrend Beacon
-:- UA T 14814
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country. Nationally, 73 percent of col
leges have some sort of freshman semi
nar, said Mary Stuart Hunter, director
of the National Resource Center of the
First Year Experience and Students in
Transition.
"It's a big transition,"
she said. "There are
tremendous cultural
differences between
high school and col
lege life."
Yeah, like bills, bud
gets, roommates,
dirty clothes and
cooking, said UM
student body Presi
dent Michael
Johnston.
"You're coming
from living with your
parents and you are
used to coming home
and your dinner is on
the table and your
laundry is done. Then
all of a sudden, you're
on your own,"
Johnston said. "This
class helps them understand how to
structure their lives.
"It's not a bad thing to study. It's not
a bad thing to party either. They'll learn
how to balance a social life with a scho
lastic life."
At Florida International University,
a similar one-credit freshman experi
ence class, which began in 1994, is
mandatory.
About 1,500 FIU freshman will be
reminded this semester to hit the books
more than the bars, said course instruc
tor Aileen Izquierdo.
"A lot of it sounds like common
sense," Izquierdo said, "but sometimes
they just need a little reminder."
Page
Tengelmeyer & Davis
NEW err *SCRUM°
MAJOR-LEAGUE
iME SYNDICATE!
CKING FOLKS FOR
OIONEY IS A SURE WAY
SHOO AWAY A CASE
' HUMOSNAMSH
I DOTTER
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