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The Behrend Beacon
I PASS OUT
IN GUTTERS
Michael Butala
I originally wrote an article
about freshmen but I said "Fuggit,
this is my first article and I don't
wanna focus on one group." So I
will focus on freshman: various
types of supremacists and obesity in
the female population or as I call
them, "fat broads."
First off, freshmen, it should be no
surprise to you that "you suck at
life." (Ben Titus 2001) So if you'll
just humor me for about five minutes
and read this, you'll learn a lot.
First off, freshmen are good for one
thing. Money. Somehow freshmen
always have it. You know why?
Their parents mail them $2O a week.
Why you may ask? Cuz they miss
them? No, my friends. See, they
know you suck, and they give you
that money to buy your friends.
How do you buy them? Have a
senior buy you a case of beer, tell
him to keep the change and offer him
as many beers as he wants, which
might be the whole case. But what
do you care? At least he didn't take
the money and run. Also, you food
plan is worth more than your soul
and a "Sweet Lou" Whitaker rookie
card. Trust me. Buy an older
student food. Might I suggest a
chicken spazmo?
Now for you supremacists. I don't
care what you like. If your gay, fine.
If your white, fine. If you're a
redneck straub slurping hillbilly
from St. Mary's, fine. If you're a
goth, Magic: The Gathering- playing,
freaky, drug abusing, oddity that
should be pumping gas in Jersey,
fine. But don't bring it out in the
open, man. As far as I see, no one
really is ashamed of their heritage or
lifestyle. In other words, if people
get to have gay pride walks, you
don't see me starting "lazy whitey"
walks. But if I did I'd grab people
that been sitting on their kiesters
since that tragic day in 'B7 when the
Twins dominated the American
Division Championship, such as
Sonny Bono, Dave Thomas and Tom
Selleck. We'll walk down Bourbon
Street and yell stuff out of a mega
phone. We'll get wasted and Tom
Selleck will finish the night off with
a long line of blow.
And finally, the fatties. Shame on
every single one of you. But espe
cially the ones who eat 15 cupcakes
for breakfast and are like "Why am
so damn fat?" Of Course it's hard to
understand their ungodly blather due
to the godslam cupcakes in their
"squirrel cheeks." I swear the big
ones got 'em. I seen them hound
food in there, kinda like what
squirrels do in the winter. And even
the slightly embedded hogs are
getting on my nerves. After polish
ing off a 12-pack, they're like "Look
at my tummy! It's so gross!" Yeah it
is so stop drinking so much beer.
I'm not saying I don't try to coax
them in bed after downing a case.
I'm just saying those are the ones
where you run outta your room the
next morning to a haven of milk and
honey.
In conclusion, the freshmen seem a
lot more retarded than previous
years, the goth kids are getting
weirder, and the broads are tipping
the scales in large numbers.
Tony Danza Destroyed Our Generation
Sexism, sexism, sexism, and stereotypes are all I can remember from televi
sion, and to be honest it has warped my views and yours. This may have been im
planted subconsciously for you, but I am here today to bring it to surface. We college
41 1 , "'WW I' students grew up watching more television than any other generation, and a little
show called "Who's The Boss" has changed our views forever. Although every show
of our youth created these stereotypes and sexist views, I am holding "Who's The
Boss" solely responsible for everything since 1990.
I am not sure where to start, so I will give you a brief overview of the show.
B en Titus Tony Danza was a single father who drove one kickass shaggin van and was a maid
for some single marketing chick. Tony and his daughter lived in the marketing
chick's house. The marketing chick was a single parent who had a son and her mother living with her
(her mom was lame and not important). The show ran from 1984 to 1992 and had ratings almost as high as
"MacGyver." I will now dissect each role and the problems it brought to the 90's and today.
The first person I will analyze is the star of the show, Tony Danza. Tony was a male maid. That right there
should have set off alarms. First of all, no person with that killer van would be cleaning some broad's
house. He would be busy parking along a creek or scenic road.
But back to the harm he did. He made little boys think it was all right to do women's work. I remember
the good old days (also known as "Nick at Night") when the woman would cook and clean all day. Not
anymore. Now men are needed and expected to cook and clean.
Tony Danza's love interest also set some important fallacies for women. She was SUCCESSFUL!
Now don't take me as being sexist, but she did some damage. She was a strong powerful woman and
brought it into the American homes. That is great, but she also brought us the Spice Girls and "GI JANE,"
and we all know girl power is so 1999. At least Behrend realizes this, as you can see in the enrollment, but
this isn't the most harm she caused. On the television show she raised her kid to be the ultimate wuss.
His name was Jonathan, and he was as fruity as a freshman male from Cambridge Springs. This kid
was the lamest character ever; I would give him a 9.8 on the lame scale. The kid was a sissy. His only
impact was feminine guys are now on every season of the Real World. Not to mention a lasting impact on
Cambridge Springs males.
Which brings up my most disturbing character. Good old Sam. Sam was played by a little cutie
named Alyssa Milano. She was, and is, gorgeous. She was everything Tony could ask for in a daughter:
pretty, intelligent, and well-behaved. She became recognized as the perfect daughter, and soon little girls
all across America wanted to become her, and, to be honest, parents were happy. But time passed, and the
show came to an end. Girls everywhere screamed for Alyssa to return, and so did the boys because, by this
time, they were teenagers and you know...well, let's just say the boys were very happy because Alyssa did
return and did a film called "Poison Ivy 2." This movie showed boobies and the guys loved it, but it
brought confusion to the women. Why was Samantha, their role model, taking off her shirt and not acting
lady-like? The children thought about this, but as time wore on they decided to act as their role model.
Next thing you know AIDS began to run wild.
Why? That's all I ask. Then it hit me, "Full House." Freaking Bob Saget and that show threw
everyone away from wholesome America. Sure Dave Cooliaey (Joey) and John Stamos(Uncle Jesse) were
riots, but that show sucked so bad it made everyone want to be whores. Alyssa was just continuing to be a
role model, as she had been for so many years, and now our generation is as dirty as a mongoose in a deli.
Now we aren't just not whores, but tasteless too. I hear people laugh at jokes like, "how do you make a
dead baby float? Take your foot off it." Jokes like that are sad. And Tommy Winchell liked the princess
diaries.
,
i n Three things to do when you're bored
1
Jump off a Building
Ross Lockwood
Another change is the use of clip art. I personally love clip art. It has a certain charm to me that makes me feel warm and gooey inside, like a Toll
House chocolate chip cookie. We have this book down at the Beacon office and it has thousands of pictures of clip art. I have never seen so many differ
ent pictures of animals rocking out on guitars. And that is what I really want to see, animals totally rocking out, wailing on guitars and just breaking out
some kick ass guitars solos. I also noticed in the in the index that they have poop. Three or four different kinds of it, actually. With stink lines.
The most significant change however is that almost all of the writers are new. Some of the previous writers graduated, and some just really blew
so we replaced them. If there was one word I would use to describe this year's crop of writers it would have to be PIZZAZZ. They have pizzazz out the
ass. if I had to compare the foursome of humor page writers to something, it would have to be the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They all remind me of
one of the turtles in one way or another. I won't compare myself to them, because I guess I'm more like Master Splinter.
BEN FOOTE- Ben Foote has been classified as a hater, and with good reason. If you gave him one million dollars he would hate you. If you
gave him a banana split he would hate you. If you gave him a wedgie until he bleeds he would hate you. Ben is also a huge nerd, much like Donatello
was. Ben actually constructed a robot that was programmed to make out with him. It's name was Ector. But somehow Ben got a girlfriend, and his robot
is now in the closet. I think he'll write some adequate stuff.
BEN TITUS- Ben Titus reminds me of Michalangelo because he is a party dude. He also likes pizza, there is no denying that. Titus has a very
well deserved reputation for making girls cry and getting Alto fist fights. I plan on him being very offensive this semester.
MIKE BUTALA- Butala isn't new. He wrote oneitontinous article that was exactly the same and was just spread out throughout the semester.
He was the subject of much hate mail, and a lot of people wanted to break his nerd glasses. But he was probably our most popular writer. By popular, I
mean the one that got the most hate mail. He reminds me of Rapheal because he's cool but rude.
CHARLIE GAGLIONE- The last time I saw Charlie he was passed out in my bed. He had had a long night of drinking under his belt, and
seemed a bit bewildered. He kept asking "Where am I?" Then when I would tell him, he would say "I know that, but where AM I?" The was the last time
I saw him, so Charlie if you are reading this, please give me your number so I can call you. I think Charlie is like Leonardo because his favorite color is
blue and that's what color Leonardo's mask was.
Humor
Friday, September 6, 2002
Crack
WEDGIES HURT
Last year I heard some people make some less than flattering comments about the humor page. I would
hear a snide remark here, a claim that we were idiots there, and many comments about how we would never,
ever, get laid. I personally thought that it was well written humor, perhaps slightly lowbrow. How could you
not like something with a boozehound of the week? Could you imagine what a boozehound would look like? I
have had the privilege of seeing a drunken dog before, actually a drunken puppy. If it looks anything like that,
I would be in stitches!
But like all things, changes happen. My mentor, Benjamin Kundman, has graduated and moved on. He
hasn't necessarily moved on to better things, but just things. He is a pool boy. I have read enough Penthouse
Forum to know that he is going to be fighting MILF's off with a stick. I just saw him today actually, he was
drunk and he looked like a bum. He had a $1.50 Las Vegas Visor on and he smelled like HBO (human body
odor). Mcmagpipes has also taken her slothen ways to Penn State Main. In a related note, STD's at Behrend
has went down 50%.
This year's humor page is going to be a lot like last year's. There will be a few exceptions, however. One
change is no more Aldi's product review. It was just too hard to make it funny. I thought maybe we could use
funnier products, like clam juice and what not, but I think it would still be lacking.
Smoke Banana Peels
••••••••• • • • • • • • •
• •
• This week's Boozehound •
.
•of the Week goes to• .
•"Mack". •
: • After having several..
:shots of White Tavern• 4.
:Vodka and many swigs of: •
: Keystone's barley, "Mack" •
:threatened many with • •
.games of mercy, shout i ng :
:obscene incoherent:
:ramblings, and ran out of:
.• .
.a house party to chase po-
:licemen, only to find him-:
.
.self getting slammed i nto :
:the back of a cop car by:
:the local police and then:
:handcuffed. At the station:
:it was heard that he got • .
:handcuffed to a bench for:
:being "rowdy".
• •
• •
• •
• •
•••• 00000 •••••0••