Ben Kundman, Humor Page Editor
behrcoll2@aol.com
Drunken
miscellaneous
misdemeanors
In concluding
this year of
inebriated hi-jinx
and drunken
miscellaneous
misdemeanors, I
opted to write a
complete article
drunk. This did
not work due to
excessive use of
the "f word" and I used whore a lot, too.
So unfortunately, that will not be published,
I'm just going to talk about how wasted I got
this weekend. Sure, that's a juvenile and
childish thing to do, but I'm juvenile and
childish, plus I really like to moderately drink,
and when I say moderately, I mean excessively.
Like most students at Behrend my weekend
started on Thursday; it was Steve Hlopick's 21"
birthday, i.e. it was time to get sloshed at Jimmy
Z's. Surprisingly, I didn't pass out there like
last Thursday, I really don't remember what
happened there, but let me tell you, I got wasted.
Jerod Ross took me home from Jimmy Z's,
where I was greeted by a bottle of Jim Beam
and my buddy smiling and asking to do
"verticals."
After a slug it was pretty much over, for my
stomach that is. I puked my guts out and went
back to my apartment where Emily Mantini
woke me up just to tell me she wass leaving.
Friday ...ahh, now I remember, I went to
Jimmy Z's again with the EKA alumni. That
was pretty cool. I got wasted and passed out in
Defibaugh's bed with Slim, my henchman, in
The Koz's bed. I might add I played a lot of
foosball both of those nights.
Saturday, oh yeah, the Behr-Hurst BBQ. That
day I didn't drink that much. HA! Who am I
foolin'? We lost in Wiffleball and the BBQ
consisted of eight hot dogs, a Zippo, and Beast
Ice that flowed like the Nile. I'm not sure what
happened after like 10 p.m., I think I went to
bed...wait...no. Ahh...that was the day I drank
until eight in the morning.
Yeah, now it's coming like an acid flashback.
So that leaves Sunday. Sunday and myself are
one in the same, we were both a mistake, or so
my parents tells me every week since I was born.
I woke up drunk and went to the Plastic
Engineering Pig Roast equipped with 3 kegs.
There was torch juggling, skeet shooting,
horseshoes, a big ass fire and their neighbors'
son. I dunno why I talked to him in the first
place, but I'm really not surprised since I talked
to their dog for a good half hour.
Then I challenged this fourth grade, 10 year
old to a game of basketball. As we all know,
I'm a sports phenom. That kid schooled me 10-
4. I was trying, too, I mean it. The hoop was
only six feet high. I did swat and dunk on him
once. So after an hour of sulking and
proceeding to drink more, I talked trash on him
and his dad and bet him a quarter I would walk
away victorious. Set and determined for
victory, I was down 2-0 and just...passed out
right on the court. Fell and broke my glasses
and got two huge gashes around my eye. Blood
was everywhere and they tried cutting me off.
In conclusion, I'll copy and paste a little blurb
from my previous article:
"nman was u I wass I pissed. I swrar ma ppl
all over the place kmew what wa iup, I got
platics mettin tiomorows hthere, I lot of
boos4er and eveeetyhBihhhnb, I wih uts warn
clkd]. Ma g figgim pes man. . I don't even
gikvede a give a fcu vuzx mt hoe have out
dashboard confssiuinal shs4it\. They sold out
on vagrant, ask is will tell u all about it. Dudem,
u ddont understnd how pissd I am, I wanted at
leaaaasdt but that ididnt happene and fuggin pll
stole my case of fugin American man."
And I want to mention this, too. I didn't write
this, but it's pretty freakin' hilarious. It's
compliments of "Snack Pack" Baker.
"To ride a motorcycle, is to come the closest
to living in the truest sense of the word. Every
sense is heightened, such that the sum total of
the riding experience makes you thirst for more
of everything. The adrenaline rush of being so
close to nature, the pavement and danger, make
the experience one you will never forget. As
the miles pass by at accelerated speeds, you
realize that life really is great."
Butala's next column will appear after
his next eight day bender
Mike Butala
Humor 11 ,
t v ,
Friday, April 26, 2002
ook MI =MI
Aldi's product review
Have you ever wished for a cheap source of entertainment?
Something that would make life at Behrend less mundane?
Something that would help you focus on schoolwork, and
make you more attractive to the opposite sex? Then let me
introduce you to a new product featured at Aldi's this week.
That's right! Aldi's now features it's very own brand of
booze!
Aldi's brand Moonshine now comes conveniently bottled
in gallon and two gallon containers. Perfect for parties or
just a night in front of the TV, Aldi's Brand Moonshine is the
perfect addition to the liquor cabinet of the discriminating
booze connoisseur. Thousands of satisfied customers have
written Aldi's thanking them for their outstanding product.
Duane Binacca of Union city writes:
I "I have always loved a bargain, and Aldi's brand
I Moonshine is one hell of a bargain in my book. I gave just
one shot tt id she was friskier than a Priest at
"My inability to form
plete sentences really hampers
ability to interact with
tubers of the opposite sex. But
vith just a few shots of Aldi's
moonshine in me, I can talk
the panties off a $3OO
hooker!" says Delbert
By Nick Capozzoli Binacca, DUS 13.
The results are real.
In a recent study of Behrend students, 64% revealed
that they were more likely to engage in risky behaviors while
drinking. That translates in to 64% more fun than average!
Think of it, you could be cooler than 36% of the student
body here at Behrend. Just get drunk! Famous people always
Spongeßob Square Pants presents:
•
• • •
'4
Last humor column ever
Throughout this semester the humor page
Ilthas come under some (when I say "some" I
mean LOTS) of criticism for its content, lack
of pertinence to a college newspaper, and
overall moral reprehensibility. In order
to relate the difficulties we have had
V4PSo in giving humor to the masses
(when I say "humor to the masses"
I mean "not making anyone mad")
I will hereby present several
Ben Kundman examples of attempted topics of
humor that were met with nothing but hurt feelings and
violent protest.
"Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?"
We tried this one. We really did. The PETA people were
all over us like flies 0n....we11, flies on whatever flies like
the best. We asked them why it was offensive and they
stated "Jokes about endangering animals are not only
unfunny, but morally unjust. Chickens crossing roads is not
a laughing matter. It is a risky business where they are only
trying to reach their only natural habitat while placing their
personal safety at great risk." So much for the whole
"chicken crossing road" routine.
"I just flew in from (let's say Las Vegas to make it really
interesting) and, boy, MY ARMS ARE TIRED!"
We at the humor page thought this was a sure fire "go!"
but unfortunately, in the words of the NAPFLAC (National
Association of People Flapping Arms Constantly)
spokesman, this proved to be trouble. "We can't help it our
arms are tired all the time!" he said. "Try flapping your
ner camp!"
Another fan of Aldi's
nshine writes
Things
Jack Burke and
Rob Wynne have
in common:
1. Both prefer
button-down shirts
2. Both wear
glasses
3. Both are leaders
at Behrend in some
4. Both have jobs
that no one else
wanted
5. Both have to fight
off the ladies when
ever they go out in
public.
Apparently, no matter how
incompetent of a comedian you
prove yourself to be, so long as
you have red hair, you have
friends.
No matter what we tried, it Carrot Top:
seemed like we were destined The face of comedy
get drunk. If you want
any chance of being
famous, you better
follow suit.
Frank Sinatra wa,
widely recognized as one
of the coolest individua
ever to grace this plan
with his presence. And
believe you me, he got drunk every day! Sure you may
have classes today, but that doesn't mean you can't drink.
Frank would have approved of a little "pick me up' before
class. Anyone who's cool would, anyway.
Case in point, Babe Ruth was known to drink a fifth of
whiskey before an important game, and he hit more home
runs than any baseball player of his time. But whiskey is
just Zima compared to Aldi's brand Moonshine. At 156
proof, Aldi's Moonshine is guaranteed to make you
perform better on tests, presentations, and all that stuff.
Don't worry about it. If the Babe could crush a ball while
lubed up, you can surely crush your finals under the
influence.
Sometimes your friends will be too drunk to handle their
booze. Let me tell you, this is the perfect time to give
them Moonshine. It makes them less violent, well, maybe
not less violent, but less capable of violence. It also makes
them more susceptible to your influence. Tell your friends
that they wronged you in some way, they won't remember.
Then you have the upper hand in any situation. Just bring
their drunken intercessions up in subsequent
conversations; you will surely prove your point when your
friends can't remember.
In conclusion, Moonshine can make your life better in
many aspects. Just make room in your life for it and sit
back and enjoy. You'll be happy you did!
-Threw up a Bloody Mary in the middle of the apt quad at
1 in the afternoon, then went to Wooster, Ohio where he:
I.)Ran around the house naked for $l.
2.)Got beat on his bare butt by some broad
with a studded belt who also had another belt
around his neck on a stripper pole while some
random guy (someone said it was a priest)
walked by at 10:30 p.m. in the middle of
suburbia while a guy in Catholic seminary
school watched.
3.)Let someone rub his face around for a
minute in a birthday cake for $5
-Was a deciding factor in alcohol getting permanently
banned from all future ASME student conferences by
"going vertical" on a half-gallon of Evan Williams in front
of about 100 students and professors.
And many others....
arms for 33 years straight then yak it up!" Sorry, man
Next, we tried inanimate objects. Big mistake.
"How many couches does it take to change a light bulb?"
We honestly thought this one was foolproof. BIG
MISTAKE. Next thing we know PETIO (People for the
Ethical Treatment of Inanimate Objects) is all over us like
Butala on aTJ hooker. We didn't even get to the punch line
and we got sued over 10 times. A spokesperson for PETIO
wrote us an angry letter and had this to say: "Inanimate
objects have just as many rights as any person or animal on
this planet. How would you feel if you got used, abused, or
under lubed every day of the week? Try being an inanimate
object for a day and tell us how you feel!"
After our lack of success with inanimate objects, we tried
picking on well-known celebrities such as "Carrot Top."
As much as Carrot Top sucks, we figured we would get no
grief whatsoever from criticizing that worthless piece of
flesh. WRONG. The first letter we received was from
"NOOORSJFAOR" (National
Organization of Oppressed
Red Heads Seeking Justice For
All Other Redheads.)
Ist runner up,
Boozehound of the Year
Donnie ass face
"You're like the John Belushi of our
generation."
-Mike Bello, talking about the
BHOTY Ist runner-up
In the past year, this boozehound
has:
-Kicked over every garbage can into traffic on Beaver Ave.
at UP for four straight blocks screaming "I wanna rock!"
-Broke his kitchen table by dancing on it, then threw a
recycling bin filled with 30-40 bottles which all
subsequently broke in his stairwell.
-Got naked at least 10 times in the company of others,
including standing completely naked at the Skins beach
party for 2 minutes.
-1-looked up with a 17 year old
to failure. Finally, in a drunken stupor (or possibly rage?)
I suggested we should make fun of religion. "I.et's go pick
up some Catholic High School girls!" I slurred.
The humor page writers agreed,
and came up with the
basis for a whole new series of articles: "Why did Moses
talk to a burning bush? Because he really liked redheads."
I thought we were Kool and the Gang with that one until I
started getting hate mail from NOOORSJFAOR and
Greenpeace. Boy, I didn't see that one coming: "Burning
bushes is wrong, even if it's Biblical. Making fun of
religious people is really cool and junk. hut you cannot
talk about harming Mother Earth. Fs#7 capitalism!"
So, we tried making everyone happy by sticking to some
of the old standards. Obviously that doesn't work. We made
an attempt at making everyone laugh. smile, or at least
pause before wiping their ass with the humor page. I think
it worked on some levels but not on others.
I hope you like what we've done and sot ry it you have
not but just remember:
Mark Twain
Lenny Bruce
Redd Foxx
George Carlin
Richard Pryor
Eddie Murphy
Chris Rock
Sam Kinison
Andrew "Dice" Clay
Denis Leary
....and many others who took comedy to new levels by
pushing the limits and breaking down harriers.
The Behrend Beacon
Dirty Teddy's
Malt Liquor
Boozehound
of the Year
PFNNSTAI L
nrim Prz7 4 .Erie
(Urination Jason
This week hoozehound of the
week is dedicated to a man, no
legend, named Urination Jason.
This is a fellow who has dedicated
his life at Behrend to many ac
tivities, namely drinking and get
ting wasted. His past attributes
far surpass the qualification,
which is "Boozehound," but he
was too messed up to tell the
story. To stall off this man loves
Butala, Ben and Cap for writing
the funny paws. in a completely
heterosexual way. Okay, to start
off of why he is the hest candi
date for this is that he will drink
anyone under the table on this
campus and still get a better QPA
but he still likes to have people
take him up on the offer. He spent
$l4O at the bar and walked home
three miles, only ending up on the
side of the road like a rotting deer
carcass until his brother came to
pick him up. At finals week last
semester he drank a bottle of
Black Velvet in about an hour and
passed out in shower naked, only
to find out that someone had sto
len his clothes. He ran around the
house naked for about an hour and
stole some one else's clothes. At
a beach party he fell down the
stairs and thought that was so fun
so he did it about 10 more times,
which led to stairway howling
consisting of lining up kegs,
bottles, can and small children as
pins. When he gets drunk he does
a great impression of "Fight
Club" (not when they fight each
other, when Norton fights him
selt) and "Weekend at Bernie's."
Unfortunately he is too drunk to
finish this article cause he is out
of alcohol...wait till next year!
Dirty Teddy and The liehrend Beacon
encourage students - to drink responsibly.
Boozehound qf the Week was created to show
what can happen when one consumes too
much alcohol and makes a complete jack
ass out of him or !lent*:
Page 13