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The Behrend Beacon
Dirty Teddy's
Malt Liquor
Boozehound
of the Week
PENNSTAIL
Erie
13066 y Maier
...... ........
Very little is known
about this week's
Boozehound. Some
of the facts we have
gathered through
our elaborate
intelligience net
work:
Bobby Mullet was
rolling around on
the ground in the
apartment parking
lots last Saturday
night.
Bobby Mullet digs
Budweiser.
Bobbly Mullet
proudly sports a
mullet, a wife
beater T-shirt, and
Mack boots.
Dirty Teddy and The Behrend Beacon
encourage students to drink responsibly.
Boozehound of the Week was created to show
what can happen when one consumes too
much alcohol and makes a complete jack
ass out of him or herself
Send your 50-100 word nomination for
Boozehound of the Week to:
behrcoll2@aol.com.
Note: We will not publish stories about crimi
nal acts. If you want your name in the paper,
the nomination must come from your psu per
sonal account. If you want your picture in the
paper, send a jpeg file along with your story.
>:: ~ «:..
Who the Hell Knows?
Something rotten happened to me last semester, as you
may or may not remember. For the first time in my life, a
girl dumped me. It sucked balls, but I recovered and have
learned a great deal from the experience.
However, imagine the shock I received when my ex
girlfriend told me she wanted to get back together. She
explained her reasoning for
dumping me—she had
been addicted to speed
when she dumped me and
she wanted me back now
that she had a clear mind.
••
What did I do? In a
< figurative sense, I gave her
a smiling thumb's up,
wassurs ;;, turned it to a thumb's
FORAIIKVAIk I down, and made a sound
. s t •
1 4. just like Adam Sandler did
in "Happy Gilmore."
Karl Benacci The situation got me
thinking, and now I am here to give my two cents about
females, males and relationships. To begin: Here's a list of
what I hate about females (Note: Some females are cool and
are off the hook for these things, but some are VERY guilty):
1) The cheater. I love it when a girl says, "Guys are liars
and cheaters." True, plenty of guys do lie and cheat, but
girls do it just as much. I have never cheated on a girl, but
my ex (narcotics girl) cheated on me and I dated a Homers
girl freshman year (just ask my roommate Mike!), who
cheated on me too (but she was a Hooters girl so it was kind
of cool).
2) Mind games. Mind games are stupid. They might work
on some guys, but a girl playing a mind game on me is saying,
"Let me alter your brain and mess you up as badly as I am."
Girls who play mind games were probably mentally abused
as children and the government should place these freaks in
stone structures that are patrolled by robots that shoot fire
out of metal hoses protruding from their metallic robo-ears.
3) The famous factor. Everyone knows who 0-Town is,
right? They're that boy band that was just a bunch of normal
guys who became famous thanks to the ABC Network. A
few of them had girlfriends before they were famous, but
the others were single. Now it's different, though! Since
everyone knows who they are, they're getting lots of women
The Humor Page
would like to
congratulate Cristie
Kerr for winning the
Longs Drugs Challenge
I
The Beacon staff would like to congratulate Cristie Kerr on her first ever win on i
the LPGA tour. She cleaned house at the Longs Drugs Challenge at the Twelve I
I Bridges Golf Club in Lincoln, Ca. this Sunday. Her final score was an eight under 1
I par 280. Once again congrats, and we hope you enjoy your trophy.
L J
(yes, hot college women.) Why is it that a guy can go from
being not wanted by females to a hot commodity, just by
becoming famous? Even Tom Arnold is getting some! Guys
have an easier approach: We'll want a girl if they're famous
or not—they just have to be hot! P.S. Look for me this
summer on the big screen. I'm going to be in the movie "The
Muppets Invade Alcatraz."
4) Wishy Washy. The term sounds dumb, as is the act. I
will leave it at that.
5) I hate it when a girl expects a guy to tell her he likes
her. First off, girls need to realize that guys are just as shy as
their sexual counterparts. Females, grow some nerve and tell
a guy you like him. The dude will be so shocked (yet pleased)
that he will probably succumb to your demands.
Once this beautiful chick told me she liked me and I took
her for a ride in my car and then we went on a donkey ride in
space and...okay...that never happened.
The worst thing by far, though, is when a girl dates a mean
guy and complains to the rest of the world about it. Why
does this happen? Do guys date mean girls? No! So why do
girls go out with mean guys? Who knows? One thing is for
sure, though: If a girl is stupid enough to stay with a guy that
treats her badly I want nothing to do with her.
HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT: Ask Beacon nice guy
Kevin Fallon about his theory on women. You'll be glad you
did! It makes a lot of sense and is very special, just like him.
He is ready to take one very special lady out on a night on
the town. Hell yeah!
Moving 0n...1 have this problem. The only females who
freely pursue me are freaks. Yes, I must be coming off the
wrong way or my hormones are still attracting CroMag beasts
because the girls who scare me go after me as if I'm candy.
It sucks. I have to buy bulk mace at Sam's Club every week.
FUN FACT: There's an easy way to tell if a girl likes me—
they're the ones bumping into things, and oh yeah—they're
menacing!
ANOTHER FUN FACT: The two females who love me
and treat me nicely are: 1) My car, 2) My cat (but she only
likes me because I feed her and take her out to the movies).
I think it would be easier if my parents arranged a marriage
for me. It might work, after all. Arranged marriages were
common 100 years ago, but men and women were gentlemen
and ladies back then (the men also had farm animals to take
their "problems" out on—yeeeeeha!).
p
Humor
f. Friday, April 26, 2002
"It feels so great." said Kerr.
By Ross Lockwood
Top 10 reasons why
booze is better than
broads
10. It's easier to bring booze back into your
room than a broad.
9. It's a lot better waking up to booze in the
morning than a broad.
8. If you bring booze to a Super Bowl party,
you're the man, if you bring a broad to a
Super Bowl party, well, let's face it. You suck
7. Booze doesn't get jealous when you drink
other booze.
6. It's legal to buy booze everywhere, but the
only place you can buy broads is Las Vegas.
5. If you hang around a broad too much you
get made fun of; if you hang around a bar too
much, you're a legend.
4. If a broad is big, you run away. If a bottle
of booze is big, you run towards it.
3. Even ZBT's can get booze at their parties,
but not broads.
2. Not all broads are pretty but booze makes
ALL broads pretty.
1. Booze makes you drunk; broads make you
Why do girls go for the asses and not the nice guys,
anyway? In a theatrical sense, this is evident in the 1980 s
film "The Last American Virgin," where a guy gets screwed
over by a girl like never before when she uses him so he'll
pay for her abortion (The nice dude was not the one who
impregnated her; it was his best friend, who dumped the
pregnant girl and went back to her after he finds out about
the abortion).
AN UNRELATED KARL PET PEEVE: People who come
to class sick and cough everywhere. No one likes you, stay
home instead of infecting all of us with your repulsive germs.
I have a cold now. Damn ADT...err those are the
alarms...damn ADD...
I'm still a relatively shy person, but when I was in high
school I was shy—and stupid! I observed one of my friends
who liked meeting girls off the Internet and I even tried it
five or six times
If you remember anything from this editorial remember
this: Internet girls are (for the most part) psycho little critters.
Half of them wanted booty and the other half were so weird
that I blocked out what they said to me. Sad, sad, sad (take it
from me, it's useless.)
COOL STORY: In high school, my friend, Mike (who is
now a Behrend student) talked to some Internet chick who
told him she looked like Sandra Bullock. After they met, he
called her snaggle tooth.
TO RECAP: She did not look like Sandra Bullock
Yes ladies, I know that some men are just as stupid/awful/
worthless as some women are. Girls tell me about their
horrible dates with scummy guys all the time and I feel for
them. I know, I know, some guys should be neutered and
thrown off a cliff into a river but we must all move on.
I'm happy for the miniscule amount of people who are in
cool relationships, but I would rather not date a cruel demon
right now—or would I? After my ex dumped me, I dated a
really cute rebound girl, but she was annoying and not too
bright (maybe this is why she dated me?! ha ha). I learned I
am still an idiot when it comes to choosing a girlfriend. In
closing, here is what a guy can do to beat the urge of losing
his soul in a relationship: 1) Poke your eyes out like Oedipus
(kill yourself if you have his complex). 2) Think of your ex's
chasing you down to hell, 3) "Beat the urge." Ha ha. Summer!
Butala and Kundman:
Getting their asses kicked by
fourth graders since 1923
by Mike Butala
Ben Kundman, Humor Page Editor
00000 • 00000 • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
WE'RE
LOOKING FOR
A FEW GOOD
WRITERS.
As we all know, Mr. Kundman is graduating
finally after this semester.
This means that not only will we have one
more unemployed bum, we also need someone
else to run the humor page. So instead of
seeing the humor page die, I decided to do it.
We are looking for some writers who can
come up with fresh, funny ideas. You also
have a lot a leeway as far as what you can
write (just look at Butala, for the love of God).
So if you have any ideas, send a 200-word
sample to r_dog73@hotmail.com and
behrcoll2@aol.com
••••••••••••• • • • • • • • • • • • •
The Top Ten
Reasons the Top
Ten Sucks
By Karl Benacci
10) It wears tight pants like Steve Polychronopolous
9) It's in the Beacon.
8) It has to be "correct."
7) It comes in a small box.
6) Ten is a stupid number.
5) It's never funny.
4) It needed the money.
3) It threw America into recession.
2) Letterman has one.
1) Because I despise it.
behrcoll2@aol.com
- Ross Lockwood