Page 269
The Barend Bacon
SATURDAY SUNDAY
Tornado Like
Winds
High: 92°
Wind Chill: -25°
Erin McCarty’s
All Behrend men except
Mike Butala
3/21/02 03:30 Police were called to the Niagara Hall lobby where a complainant drought she
heard a large orgy taking place. When police arrived, all they found were several fraternity
members, many big screen TVs, and a whole lotta pom turned up as loud as possible.
3/22/02 14:45 Police were called to the Junker Center gymnasium where they found the
baseball coach leading the other coaches and athletes in a worshipping service for the god
ollebekim. Police are investigating whether it was an actual cult or just the athletic
department’s desperate attempt to win a few games.
3/23/02 16:55 A caller reported many broads beating up a hated glasses-wearing Bacon
writer. Police will issue citations as soon as someone complains.
3/23/02 20:50 A complainant called to report one of the Bacon’s advertising managers ate her
lunch at Bruno’s. Police are still fielding the 50 other similar complaints.
3/24/02 09:30 A hacker was issued a citation for bringing down the Penn State system, thus
preventing professors from teaching class and exposing the ignorance of the faculty.
3/25/02 18:00 Police were called to the Bacon staff meeting where they had to break up a
fight between the editor-in-chief and their favorite letter-to-the-editor writer. At this point the
judges are still making their decision on the winner.
3/25/02 20:00 Police issued a fetation to the Commuter Council for polluting the air with
excessive bitching.
3/26/02 11:35 A complainant reported poison in the food at Bruno’s. Police determined the
person was mistaken and that the food was just warm.
3/26/02 22:00 A complainant reported a carpet party taking place in Ohio Hall. Half the
campus failed to go to the next day’s classes.
3/27/02 7:00 Police were called to the engineering complex when a complainant called to
report engineers were smoking marijuana out of a laige, homemade bong. When asked to
comment, officer Parrington said, “Dude, we like, totally arrested those kids, man.”
3/27/02 12:25 Police found a suspicious student selling tapes outside Bruno’s of the previous
day’s party. All copies have been sold out.
3/28/02 18:45 A complainant called to report that her car was missing. Police and Safety
stated that her vehicle had been towed due to a parking permit hanging at 89.5 degrees rather
than the Penn State mandated 90 degrees.
3/28/02 23:00 Police issued citations to the Bacon staff for underage drinking. On a brighter
note, the next day’s paper was the best the campus had ever seen.
4/20/02 16:20 A complainant called to report funny-smelling smoke coming from the SGA
Office. Police arrived with drug-sniffing dogs, but the smoke was too overwhelming for the
dogs and all SGA members were free to go. A day later half the campus signed up to become
senators.
•Wanted*
a girlfriend with pulse for Bello will pay
Mike Bello competitive wages.
(but will settle for corpse if not yet Special bonus incentive for girl that
cold) for astS throughout semester.
-long walks (or drags*) on the
beach
(*in case of corpse)
WEEKEND WEATHER
OUTLOOK
*
Sunny & Humid
High: 89°
Low: 64°
BEHREND BRIEFS
CLASSIFIEDS
MONDAY
Blizzard!
DO NOT DRIVE!
High:-10°
Low: -3°
Mike Butala’s
Jack Burke’s
Mike Bello will tolerate:
-Halitosis
-Lice
-Fleas, -Stupidity
-Most diseases
Paid for by the committee of con
cerned friends and the committee to
find Mike Bello
a corpse/girlfriend.
Friday, March 29, 2069
Professor accidently passes
bowel-movement during class
by Ryan “I shower with
doobie-smoking ducks” Anthony
resident humorist
A riotous laughter broke out soon after 2:00
in the Academic Building this past Monday
afternoon. Minutes after, students spilled out
of room 43, some shedding tears of laughter
while others clenched their noses tightly. A
passerby on the first floor of the building
called the scene hysterical.
Apparently a professor soiled himself dur
ing his afternoon lecture. According to stu
dents in his class, until that point everything
was going as usual. The professor, whose
identity is not being released, was in the midst
of his usual lecture when tragedy struck.
“I swear I heard him fart when he bent
over to pick up an overhead slide that fell
on the floor,” one student commented.
“You could even tell he was embarrassed
because he tried to pretend that he didn’t
fart even though his face turned bright
red.”
Witnesses say that a few minutes after
the supposed flatulence, the professor
stopped mid-sentence as his face clenched
and neck tightened. Some students re
ported that they thought he was having a
heart attack, but what happened next
ended all doubts. All curious eyes fixed
on their professor’s strained face when the
silence of the classroom was broken by a
deep, rolling, gurgle.
“I couldn’t believe it,” said a student
who sat in the front row. “He just stood
there and refused to move for at least a
couple minutes. I thought I could smell
his fart again, but then I saw something
seeping down the inside pant leg of his
khakis. Thatfs when I almost threw up.”
The gurgling that filled the classroom
turned out to be the shepherd’s pie the pro
fessor ate for lunch in Bruno’s only an hour
before. His intestinal troubles proved to be
Tom Green terrorizes Behrend!
Bacon staff brings down Green menace
by KoolKarl
editor of Kool things
It was all good. He was married to a beautiful
woman, his movies were box office hits, and
young men everywhere wanted to be him. Tom
Green was on top of the world and nothing could
stop him. Then it all fell apart. Drew Barrymore
left him for Gary Coleman, Freddie Got Fingered
was a bomb, and his followers shifted their
allegiance toward Andy Dick and Johnny
Knoxville.
A desperate Tom Green crawled back to MTV
and begged executives to hire him back. They
offered him his job back but only if Tom agreed
to tour top college campuses across America.
On TUesday, March 28, Tom Green invaded
Penn State Behrend for a day of anarchy and fun.
Although the visit was not made public, a number
of students somehow found out about the event
and welcomed Green with cheers when he pulled
up to the Reed Union Building. Many students
f expected Tom to arrive in a limousine and were
shocked when they saw Tom sitting on a mattress
in the back of an ‘B2 El Camino.
I had the honor of showing Tom around, since
he is a member of my Aldi’s Product Review staff.
I took him to Bruno’s so he could eat Itlnch. I
learned the single life was tough on Tom-since
Drew left his diet has consisted of Easy Cheese
and Fruit Roll-Ups.
Tom: So who is that dog on the wall?
Me: The portrait? That’s Bruno.
Tom: Why is he looking at me? Is it because
he’s in the hamburger I’m eating? Is this a Bruno
burger? Is that what it is, Karl?
Me:
Tom: Where is Bruno?
Me: He’s dead. He’s buried on campus
Tom: Show me where he is.
To make a long story short Tom Green dug up
Bruno’s grave and played with thee dog’s brittle
skull. Police and Safety responded but it was too
late-Tom had coaxed one of Behrend’s baseball
players to pitch the skull toward him and Tom
connected, sending the skull into the Behrend
fields.
Strangely enough, dozens of Behrend students
received a good dose of food poisoning near the
time the dog’s grave was disturbed, and a few peers
even barked at me - the wrath of Bruno evident.
I decided to take Tom to the Behrend Bacon
office since Police and Safety were on Tom’s trail.
My fellow staff members were ecstatic when we
arrived at the office, but that changed when Tom
unplugged all the computers and spilled hot soup
on our Editor-in-Chief (Rob Wynne). After Rob
more than he could handle, and at approxi
mately 2:15 p.m., the professor lost control
of his bowels.
One student in the classroom commented,
“That’s the funniest thing 1 have ever heard.
I didn’t even know what happened at first
because I wasn’t paying attention, but when
everyone else started giggling, I looked up
to see him standing there with a beet-red face.
Right then the smell almost knocked me out
and I knew exactly what had happened, but
1 still couldn’t believe that my professor shat
himself.”
Roaring laughter ensued and the humili
ated professor fled the room, shouting, “I'll
never teach here again. You all fail.”
It was not long before news of the event
Behrend students non-chalantly look at the remnants of a bowel-movement made
by a professor during a class lecture.
spread across campus. By 3 p.m., engineers
were discussing the event, but the story then
became a bit exaggerated. One engineer was
overheard telling another that the rumor he
Above: Bacon
security staff
(Ltoß: Jeff
Miller, Rob
Wynne, and
Jason Snyder)
gets ready to
tackle Mr. Green
after a day of
‘Tom’foolery.
Right: Tom
Green after
Bacon security
team helps him
exit from the
Reed Building.
finished screaming in agony, he told Tom to get
the hell out:
Rob: Get the hell out.
Tom: The soup’s on you! The soup’s on you!
Rob: Ahhhh! My skin is peeling! Get out!
Tom: *Rubs against Rob* My bum is on the chief
my bum is on the chief, look at me my bum is on
the chief!
Rob: Get off me!
Mr. Wynne then sent Tom into a pile of old
Bacon issues with a powerful shove.
Tom: *Rubs against old Bacon’s* My bum is
on the Bacon My bum is on the Bacon look at
me my bum is on the Bacon...
Moments later, we were chased out of the
Bacon office. To pass some time I watched Tom:
Jack Daniels, News Editor
baconhatemail@yourmom.com
heard was a science professor performed a
bowel movement into a trash can in front of
his class as part of a presentation on the diges
tive system. This, of course, is not accurate.
Since the event, the professor has failed to
appear in any of his classes. He would not
grant an interview, hut he released the follow
ing statement. "My actions on Monday after
noon were totally embarrassing and acciden
tal. I apologize to my students and to the jani
tors who had to mop up mv trail through the
Academic Building. Hopefully they will be
able to put this beyond them and I will be able
to continue teaching.”
Unfortunately for the professor, it appears
this may not be the case. Said one of his stu
dents, "How can you have respect for a pro-
fessor who does that? livery time I see him
from now on, all I'll be able to do is laugh.
Professor Poopypanls w ill never have respect
here again
1) Push a few library bookshelves down, 2) Steal a
maintenance pickup and take it to the Junker Center,
where he spun tire and peeled out on the basketball
court, 3) Break some expensive engineering
equipment in the Hammermill Building, 4) Throw
cans of paint from the top floor of the Million Dollar
Staircase.
I think everyone can agree, Tom's visit definitely
put a smile on everyone’s face, and this showed
when a number of students pointed at him with
their middle fingers and screamed at him.. .1 think
they wanted him to know he was number one.
Tom boarded the El Camino and gave the
students the same gesture, letting out a cry
resembling that of an impregnated mongoose as
the El Camino blazed down the road. Thanks Tom!