Ben Kundman, Humor Page Editor
behrco!l2 @ aol.com
Behrend becomes
premiere Liberal
Arts College
The great war is finally over. A battle that raged for the
past two months came to an end last week when the School
of Engineering and Engineering Technology (SEET) was
defeated by the Allies at Penn State Behrend in Erie,
Pennsylvania. A peace treaty is expected to be signed later
this week. Terms of the treaty are undisclosed, but it remains
likely that Behrend will become an entirely liberal arts school.
When last reported, the Allies, consisting of Humanities
and Social Sciences and the School of Business, were losing
ground to SEET. At their strongest position in the battle,
SEET controlled the west side of campus, including all of
the engineering buildings, the Science Building, the Studio
'1 neater, Glenhill Farmhouse, and Turnbull Building.
In recent weeks FOX purchased the rights to broadcast
the war and scheduled it opposite the Winter Olympics. With
General Stormin’ Norman Schwarzkopf giving play-by-play
and John Madden adding color commentary, FOX ousted
the Olympics from its place on the top of the Nielson ratings.
Ratings aside, the Battle for Behrend was a heartbreaking
thriller of which even Steven Spielberg would have been
proud.
In an effort to gain control of the Reed Union Building,
SEF.T partially abandoned all of its previously acquired
strongholds and sent all forces to the Iront. According to
Benjamin Kundman. former SEET Major General and now
POW 12 credits shy of a diploma, his side thought thcAllies
were close to surrendering when the attack on Reed took
place. (This reporter must make a note 10 readers; the
following interview was pieced together. Anyone who has
ever talked to an engineering major can tell you how hard it
is to gel complete sentences from them. They do not use eye
contact and their speech tends to slur or stutter.)
“Gosh. I thought their goose was cooked,” Kundman
drawled. “We reckoned they was gonna all give up and head
fer the hills, but them there Allies sure showed us. I always
knowed I shoulda been a English major instead.”
Four weeks into the war,,§EET had developed
sophisticated weaponry andeVttfcTOtged a locomotive into a
tank. At the same time, it seemed the futures of H&SS and
the School of Business atJßehrend were doomed.
In theory, according to General Scratchnsniff of the English
Department, Allied control of the library did not prove to be
as valuable as originally tho<
the library would have been
full of resources detailing
war and battle tactics, but
you have to keep in mind
that this is Behrend’s library.
The only thing the books
here are good for is setting
them afire and catapulting
them at the enemy.”
Further dampening Allied
efforts was the fact that it
lost nearly an entire major’s
worth of soldiers in the „ . „
English department. A s ' Be "J am '"
communications, history, Kundman, MET 010, under
political science, and all heav V interrogate.
business majors gave full support during the entire campaign,
English majors gathered outside all campus buildings
protesting the war. Pickets, peace chants, and the odor of
patchouli filled the air during the day while songs were sung
and candles and bras were burned during nighttime vigils.
Commented one dedicated but unidentified marketing major,
“Stupid hippies.”
As the battle raged, overzealous SEET soldiers celebrated
victories with all-night drinking binges. Soon after this,
SEET’s regular 8 a.m. attacks on the Allies tapered off and
turned into mid-afternoon attacks. While the Allied army
remained alert and ready for battle, SEET soldiers managed
to mount a keg to the inside of their tank. According to
SEET Officer Slimmy Reinhardt, “Once we got that keg up
there, we didn’t have to let fighting cut into our drinking
time. We could pound Allies and beers at the same time.”
Alcohol proved to be SEET’s downfall. The night before
SEET’s fateful attack on the Reed Union Building was spent
celebrating what they thought was an almost guaranteed
victory. Drinking continued until late morning the next day
and the attack took place early in the afternoon. SEET forces,
still inebriated, sent all forces to the front in attempt to once
and for all oust the dwindling Allied army from Reed.
“Stormin’’ Norman explains what happened next. “SEET
really thought they had this thing won. They sent in all their
troops, leaving most of the engineering and science buildings
unprotected. The Allies’ army only appeared to be growing
smaller because they had been occupying dorms on the upper
part of campus. Ohio and Almy Halls were filled with Allied
troops the night before the big attack. The next day when
Reed was attacked and SEET felt sure victory, Allied troops
stormed down the ski slope and flanked the hungover SEET
army. There was a massacre that day, my friends. I shed a
tear. SEET never knew what hit them. It was a move of
pure military genius.”
All remaining SEET soldiers were captured. Those who
unwilling to change to a business or H&SS major were
sent to POW camps in Oil City. With a vast new budget,
expect to see Behrend arise as one of the nation’s top liberal
arts schools.
Anthony’s column will appear as soon as the
English majors quit force-feeding him tofu for
calling them hippies.
/ N
Aldi’s product review
| In the interest of health, I decided to purchase
lan Aldi's product that gives you not only energy,
■ but has a great taste that one never gets tired of. A
■ product that will make you seem charming and BBHf
j witty. A product that says, “You
"are dealing with a sophisticated
"person, and this what wHI Jb
I sophisticated people eat!” Of
■ course I’m talking about dsakjfh
I brand
| “Hot you say, “But those are
|only meat sticks made of extra pig parts! Panrt77nli
j Pig’s feet and bungholes, gross!” Well, INIU,V OdfJUZXUII
■ sir, it is a little known fact that those pig’s
■ feet and bungholes contain all the nutritional value of a tossed salad! To
■ prove the nutritional worth of these little wonders I decided to do some
J research. Real research, mind you, not just flipping over the package and
"reading the government lie called nutrition information printed on the
■back. I decided to contact an expert to help me prove my theory. So I
I searched the Internet until I came across a listing for a Dr. Wienerschnitzel
I who lives in Frankfurt Germany (Wienerschnitzel is German for Hotdog,
|this guy must really know what he’s talking about.)
| 1 called the good doctor and asked him a few questions. I don’t speak
|German so I had to make inferences form the sound of his voice. Here’s
■ how our conversation went:
\
Jimmy Z's !
| BAR QUESTION
!OF THE WEEK
I I
I Send your answer in 100 words or less by .VI 3/02 to: I
I Behrcoll2@aol.eom. I
I Ist place winner: free Fat Chick Sandwich I
I 2nd place winner: free Fat Boy Sandwich I
I 3rd place winner: free side of Fries I
t i
Who is the sexiest cartoon
character and why?
The Humor Page's Spanish Lesson
By: Mike Butala
So the next time you’re in Mexico, you can speak fluent
Spanish. Also great at parties and to pick up women.
English: I ate food in my house.
Spanish: Yo eato burrito en mi adobe.
International Olymnics Committee to make sweening changes
%A high-ranking member of the
International Olympics Committee contacted
the Behrend Beacon Humor page late
" yesterday with news of
yk groundbreaking changes to the
next winter Olympics. In the
sJp* interest of anonymity, the high-
W ankln S mem i >er W 'H be referred
Ben Kundman 10 . s™, of
top-secret meetings discussing the low television ratings
of several Olympic events. He had this to say: “Let’s face
it, curling sucks! The only people who watch curling are
the same people who drive in the left lane with the cruise
control pegged at 67 mph all the time, completely oblivious
to anyone around them. These people have the brain
activity of a baked potato.”
“We were trying to come up with a way to make curling
more exciting, when Dave, the token hippie, thought of
something groundbreaking - proximity mines! More
specifically, we will be replacing all of the ‘stones’ with
proximity mines set to varying detonation distances!
People thought the show ‘Fear Factor’ was cutting-edge,
wait until they see curling in the 2006 Winter Olympics!
“If anyone questions us for risking the lives of Olympic
caliber ‘athletes,’ we’ll just tell them that for the next 202
weeks all these ‘athletes’ will be doing is pumping gas
and sneaking into ice arenas after they close to practice
their ‘sport’”
Asked about making The Long Ski Jump more
interesting, Mitchy B had this to say, “Since 87% of Utah
Dr. Wienerschnitzel
proceeded to threaten my
life then ask me to marry
him, but clearly he was a
fan of hot dogs.
So can clearly see,
evidence strongly supports
my theory. I urge you to add
a little class to your diet. Go
out and buy some hot dogs . . , . _
today. Figure 1: Hot Dogs
residents are card carrying members of the N.R.A., we
thought it would be only natural to let their love of firearms
help improve the sport of ski jump. From now on, ski
jump will be referred to as “skeet jump.” Five experienced
hunters will line the side of the ski slope and try to take
out the skier. The sound of shotgun blasts and limp bodies
bouncing down the slopes will replace the predictable slap
of skis landing time and time again.”
Figure skating, a sport almost as popular with the ladies
as it is unpopular with the fellas, will be livened up next
Winter
Olympics.
“We’re going
to release a
hungry grizzly
bear mid-way
through each
competitor’s
run. We talked
about letting a
polar bear
loose, but
figured it
would have
too much of an
advantage and
would
probably
maim the
athlete too
quickly for it
“Guttentag?”
Hello?
“Hello Dr. Wienerschnitzel ?”
“Es tut mir wirklich lied der Doktor weg sien.”
I am German, what do you want!
“I have a few questions about the nutritional value of hotdogs,
can you help?”
“Sprich tauter! Mir ist, als ob ich stimmen horte.”
Have you seen my erotic poop video?
“1 am writing an article for my school’s newspaper.”
“Ich denke, es ware am besten zu versuchen andermal.”
I eat babies and hotdogs!
——
impress your friends
1 with the Humor Page’s 1
i Palindrome Sentence! i
■ By: Mike Butala i
I spent all my money on booze and
hookers .
re kooh dna e zoob no ye nomy mllat .
[_ nepsi. j
of the Week]
I By: Mike Butala I
1 Lax*b’s B(oo4 i
i
Ingredients:
6-9 oz. Gin (I recommend 9)
4 oz. 7-up
1 oz cherry hug concentrate
3 medium sized ice-cubes
Instructions:
I Add ice, gin and 7-up to pint glass.
* Add 1 oz. Cherry hug concentrate while
' stirring. Additional gin may be added to taste.
Serve cold, and enjoy!
Figure 1: Skeet Jump
to be interesting.”
During couples, a
female grizzly bear
will be released on
one side of the
skaters with her
cubs on the other.
“She’s going to be
pissed, especially
when she sees the
shiny uniforms of
the skaters” said
Mitchy B.
“Carrot Top!
Everyone hates that
guy. To increase
ratings across the board, we will be forcing Carrot Top to
enter in every event with a high risk of serious bodily
harm. The only safety equipment we’re going to give
him is a 1-800-COLLECT T-shirt and a jockstrap because
he annoys everyone in America at least five times an hour.
We’re going to enter him into events like the skeleton,
aerial ski jumping, and super G, and the Skeet Jump.
Seeing Carrot Top’s lifeless body bouncing down the
bobsled track at 90 mph will definitely take our ratings
above, say, ‘Elimidate.’”
as soon as he gets over his pseudo-celebritism
The Behrend Beacon
Dirty Teddy’s
Malt Liquor
Boozehound
of the Week
pennState
Some highlights from his evening,
in his own words:
“So being that it was 6 p.m. and
the party we were headed to didn’t
start till 10 p.m., we pregamed of
course. I had about 10 p.m. full
beer bongs, the count is in the air
due to the fact that I was pretty
much lit by then (note: took down
the beer bongs after about 5
beers).”
“The girl that lived there
introduced me to her mom and her
aunt. I'm thinking in my head at
this point. “‘Damn girl, ycr aunt is
hott.”’
“Next thing I know I'm grinding
on Aunt Patty and I’m Sportin
major California Redwood.”
“After a few more drinks and a
few more songs, 1 asked her how
old she was (I told her she looked
no more than 30). She got all
embarrassed and said that she didnt
want to tell me. So 1 kept at it and
she eventually told me that she was
43 years old! I was not turned off
by this, but more turned on.”
“.... We start makin out again and
she starts grabbin me again telling
me she wanted to make love to me
and stuff.
“Oh we11,...My life is pretty
much complete now...Messin
around with someone who is more
than double my age was something
else.”
Dirty Teddy and The Behrend Beacon
encourage students to drink responsibly.
Boozehoitnd of the Week was created to show
what can happen when one consumes too
much ahohul and makes a complete jack
ass out of him or herself
Sent! voui word nomination for
800/ehuuiui of (he Week lo:
behrciill2C® a o I , c o m .
Note: We will not publish stories about crimi
nal acts. If you want your name in the paper,
the nominalion must come from your psu per
sonal account. If you want your picture in the
paper, send a jpeg file along with your story.
Kundman’s next column will appear just
Page
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