Ben Kundman, Humor Page Editor
Smoking is
still cool
As we all know, the
you smoke cigarette
cooler you look. And
not fool ourselves
sometimes we smoke not
to look cool, it happens
This is what doctors call
an addiction. Everyone i;
addicted to stuff like
smoking, drinking
heroin, Internet porno
and huffing gas. These
things are bad, well, not
necessarily bad, just not
good for you, with the obvious exception of Internet porno.
And there are a few RARE times when you don’t want
to be smoking. Well, you want to smoke, but you can’t.
Now, your everyday nicotine junkie would throw in a dip
at these occasions, but what if you're on a one-night stand
and the broad doesn’t like smoking? On a side note, one
time a broad told me it was a dirty habit and it DIDN’T
make me look cool. She was sooo clueless.
So anyway, you’re on that date or whatever and you
can’t smoke in front of this broad. What do you do? Here’s
where the 21 s ' century technology will finally pay off.
They should put nicotine in like, everything. Think about
it. You’re at a business dinner and you don’t smoke to
make you look more...professional? Anyways, you can
just order a nicotine steak, which would consist of a steak
with nicotine in it. (See Figure 1) The problem with people
Figure 1: Nicotine Steak
today is they half-ass everything. Some genius crackpot
had the idea to make nicotine gum and what did they do?
They made it and quit investigating other innovations.
Sure, the gum is expensive as hell, but people are willing
to pay that price for the best invention since the “Euro-
Sealer.” How many times are you at the grocery store
and you can’t decide whether or not to buy a pack of
smokes or a Snickers? Most of the times it’s a no-brainer
but there are those times when you want a Nickers. (See
Figure 2) That’s right, a eancfy bar with nicotine. It would
kind of be like those Power Bars jocks eat. If I were eating
nicotine, man, I’d be pumped up. I’d run a mile. Or at
least talk about it for a while. And you don’t have to stop
there; you can put nicotine in Gatorade, cereal and milk.
Now that’s a breakfast of champions. I’d get
out of bed for that each morning
and talk about a pick
me-up. Screw coffee
in the morning; just
pour me a bowl of
Count Nicula.
Revolutionize the whole
food industry and the market will be huge. I’d pay an
extra couple bucks for a nicotine enhanced meatball sub.
Just talking about it makes me drool. I’d weigh at least
300 pounds because I would eat all the time.
Now I’m not saying that I would quit smoking because
of these nicotine-embedded meals, that’s just silly. I’m
just saying food with nicotine in it will make the world a
better place. Not like “birthday party happy place,” more
like “the planets are aligned, world peace and I just got
some happy place.”
Butala s column will appear whenever he
POLICE AND SAFETY REPORT: EXPOSED
It’s the first thii
on Friday aftem<
you pick up yoi
Beacon. You tui
to see if your hijink:
weekend and yoi
with P&S were ri:
to bring you fami
week and ano
newspaper clippii
for yoi
refrigerator. B
what does the Police Ryan Anthony
and Safety Report J J
really mean? Did you ever wonder about the truth
behind the report? Those P&S officers are crafty. Just
because the report says one thing doesn’t mean that’s
what really happened.
Last week a report stated, “A complainant reported
that her vehicle had been struck by another vehicle
within the past eight days” and another the week before
stated, “A complainant reported that someone damaged
his vehicle sometime between January 2 and 22 while
parked on campus.” Hmmm, according to my math,
22-2=20. 20=almost THREE WEEKS. This kid left
his car in the same spot for three weeks. The other
student’s car was left for eight days. Both deserve to
have their cars vandalized. You know these are probably
stupid freshmen who live 10 minutes away in
Harborcreek, but insist on having their cars take up space
on campus anyway. Not only are they taking up spaces,
but they are in good parking spaces that my car could
igure 2: Nickers
j Aidi’s product review
_ canned meat available was
■ Dine Fins LunchGOn M63t “Spam,” that favorite of
■ hunters and hobos alike. No, my friends, there exists a very worthy
■rival of our friend Spam - Dine Fine Luncheon Meat, available
I only at your nearby Aldi’s food and what-zit store.
I Rather than paying the preposterous amount of $ 1.49 for a can
| of Spam at Giant Eagle, Aldi’s Dine Fine Luncheon Meat presents
la perfectly viable alternative for only $1.19. With the extra 30
I cents one could surely purchase a gob-stopper or perhaps help a
■ homeless person become thirty cents closer to that bottle of Mad
■ Dog he or she was so dreaming about.
! Just compare the name: Spam. That doesn’t sound very classy,
* does it? How about Dine Fine Luncheon Meat? Dine Fine. Think
I about that. I want to Dine Fine. My lady wants to Dine Fine. And
■ surely you want to Dine Fine as well. And does a finer way to
I dine exist than with Luncheon Meat? 1 think not.
| Dine Fine Luncheon Meat contains pork with ham, water, sugar,
V.
Bell rend student
complains Internet
so slow he ‘can’t
get wit’ Jenna!’
Staff Writer
Recent concerns over the on-campus Internet connection
speed have led the University to implement a variety of
plans aimed at lowering bandwidth usage. However,
students in on-campus housing still complain of ridiculously
slow network connections.
Louie Duckbutter, a D.U.S. 010 student in Niagara had
this to say. “I, like, can’t even download porno anymore,
man. 1 used to have pictures up like ‘BLAM!’ but now it
takes, like, forevs just to download a JPEG. I remember
when I was a freshman, back in the fall of ’97 man. We
used to use the network neighborhood, and man, that (stuff)
was TIGHT! I used to find mad porno on different peoples’
computers. I had like 50 gigs worth of porno! I had to
delete Microsoft Word and (stuff) just so 1 could fit some
crazy mad Jenna Jameson (stuff) on my HD! Yo man, and
then these freshmen, all they do is download their straight
stupid wack music, like Britney Spears and the Backdoor
Boys and all them lousy metal-rap bands like Slip-Knot
and Stained and Blemeshed and (stuff). Man, when I was
a freshman, we bought straight dope CDs, and we actually
BOUGHT them, cuz like, them (stuff)s were fer real! I
mean, Tribe, B-Boys, Wesley Willis, all of that. Man, them
cats up in housing and (stuff) need to get up and fix this
connection speed, know what I mean? I didn’t come to
college for no 40 kb/s connection, I came to download some
be parked in. Their cars take up the prime spaces outside
the apartment q\iad while the students probably live in
Niagara or Perry. If I ever see that a car has been in the
same spot for three weeks, I’ll bust off the rearview
mirror myself. (No, I won’t really do that, but I’d sure
bitch about it.)
The next report says, “A complainant reported that
others were spreading rumors about him on the
computer.” The follow up to this report is that the guilty
parties were identified and were given Saturday
detentions by the principal. The complainant,
unfortunately, will be picked last for kickball at recess
for the rest of the school year.
“A staff member reported the theft of a VHS tape from
the mail room of the SGA Office area.” Those crazy
SGA officers and their pom addictions. They are well
on their way to perverted careers in politics.
“The duty RA reported the smell of marijuana coming
from a room in Tiffany Hall.” What the report doesn’t
tell you is that the pot smell was coming from his own
room. After getting stoned off his gourd, the RA became
insanely paranoid, referred himself and then called P&S
to bust him.
Here’s a good one. “A student reported his vehicle
stolen from the Jordan Road lot. After searching the
upper resident lots, the officers discovered it in the Reed
lot. He had forgotten that he parked it there.” Does
anything really need to be said about this? It’s obviously
the RA from the story before. This dude needs to lay
off the bud. According to P&S, after telling him where
his car was, the student giggled uncontrollably and drove
off in the direction of Coney Island.
ago, I was walking up and down the
Aldi’s searching for a suitable
s Present for my girlfriend when I
omething which brought upon a
nal epiphany concerning canned
:ats.
Before happening upon this
marvel, I believed the only
and Mike Butala’s personal favorite, sodium
nitrite. It has 180 calories and 770 mg of
sodium per serving. Spam has basically
the same ingredients, but, again, thirty cents?
Who has thirty cents laying around. I surely
In my 23 years on this earth, I have never
actually seen anyone eat Spam. I have seen
cans sitting on the shelves of almost every
grocery store I have ever been in, in the B©n Klindmsn
cabinet of many a hunting shack, and underneath the sink of quite
a number of trailer-park kitchen sets. However, I have never
actually witnessed anyone dine on “Spam.” 1 am beginning to
think it is a sort of wink-wink, nudge-nudge joke we Americans
play on foreigners,' very similar to how the French insist “Ve Eeet
Sneels Evry Deee” only to try and coerce naive American tourists
to dine on the aforementioned snails. Everyone else in the world
believes that we Americans LOVE Spam, so when they come
here, they feel obligated to eat some. Unbeknownst to our
backwards foreign friends, that can of Spam sitting in the pantry
has been in there since the Carter administration. So feed that
ancient Spam to the visiting foreign devils as they would surely
do to us with their Monkey Brains, Turtle Guts, or Snails.
Dine Fine Luncheon Meat - 4/5 for stealth against the foreign
devils, 1/5 for taste
Caustic Ramification
of the Annual
Beloved Sects:
Membership Drive
Brothers and sisters, rise above the pitiful existence you call your own
and join C.R.A.B.S. In 1974 our leader experienced a miraculous
communication with the highest holiest being, THE ONE. THE ONE gave
our leader knowledge and insight into the world no mortal human had ever
known before. Our leader was overwhelmed with a unstoppable desire to
appease THE ONE in any way he could. Therefore, our leader formed
C.R.A.B.S. to assist him in appeasing THE ONE, and also to share his gift
with the true believers of the world and offer them holy sanctity.
. THE ONE informed our leader that a large house similar to the one featured
in the movie “Boogie Nights” be constructed in anticipation of HIS coming.
THE ONE also informed air leader that the house must be filled with young,
buxom, females who shall forsake all material possessions, especially
clothing of any form.
Please send monetary contributions and young, buxom females to 1414
W. Hollywood Lane, Beverly Hills, CA to guarantee your favor with THE
ONE when he arrives on the Planet Earth in the year 2024.
“A complainant reported seeing several people
snowboarding down the ski slope and jumping off the
ramps and wanted them to stop. The officer asked those
people to refrain from using the ramps.” 1 believe Ben
addressed this report last week. Gosh! If they went off
the jump, someone could fall and get a boo boo. It’s
nice to know there are students on this campus who
have such care for the well being of complete strangers.
Finally, this report seems to be a weekly installment
in the P&S Report. “A student reported that his vehicle
was damaged in Ohio lot. He stated that the passenger’s
side mirror was kicked and it was hanging from the
wires.” To me this is obvious. The damn parking spaces
here are too close together for drunken students to safely
park when they come home from the bars at 2 a.m.
That’s why cars are parked on the lines all the time.
It’s like getting blitzed and then trying to go fishing
armed with only a shotgun and 40 ounces of Hurricane.
If you had a rod, being smashed shouldn’t hinder you
tpo much from catching fish, but if you are drunk with
a loaded gun and a lake full of fish, there’s no telling
what will get shot, but you can be sure something is
going to get damaged. Likewise, if you are drunk, a
bigger parking space will be a lot easier to park in than
one just as wide as your car. The point is, drunkenness
aside, the parking spaces are too small for the bad
drivers who go to school here.
So there you have it. The Behrend P&S Report as it
truly is. Don’t be so quick to accept everything you
read as truth. You know what really happened.
Anthony’s column will appear whenever he
gets his car out of the impound lot.
Top 10 pick-up
lines
By Ross Lockwood
12. You make me want to Rock.
11. What’s a nice girl like you doing in an Opium Den
like this?
10. When I look at you, it reminds me of the spread of
Transcontinentalism through much of Eastern Europe
in the 1400 s.
9. You have very good posture. You stand up very
straight.
8. What’s your sign? I hope it’s not Chlamydia.
7. Do you like Unicorns? I do!!
6. Excuse me, Madam. Is there an airport nearby, or is
that just my love scepter taking off?
5. Damn!! You’ll do.
4. You remind me of Kimmie Gibbler from “Full
House.”
3.1 have a Whitesnake tattoo in a “naughty place.”
2. You look like my ass.
1. I’m drunk.
T Recipe of the Week ]
J Moose juice /l* I ,
By: Swanny, Stoney Tony, and Yonkers *
I Ingredients: I
I 30 pack of Busch |
| 3 cans of Lemon Aide concentrate & iMR ” |
| 1/2 gallon of Vladimir or Kamchatka vodka | T I
| Instructions: j
■ Stir all ingredients in large container. Serve •
and enjoy! ■ r
The Behrend Beacon
Dirty Teddy’s
Malt Liquor
Boozehound
of the Week
pennState
ESJErie
Les Overman
Lea Averman is this week’s
Boozehound of the week because
of the following:
- Tried to get money’s worth from
$3 “all you can drink” booze at a
party.
-Tried to tackle people in the
snow kept missing and falling in
the snow; after awhile he could
no longer get up from the falls,
so he passed out in the snow
-Was carried to a friend’s room by
two friends
- Got mad because he “wanted to
drink more,” swung at a friend,
missed, ran away and fell down
the stairs.
-Carried upstairs where he passed
out again.
-Woke up confused,realized he
was at a friends.ran out and found
his roommate almost as drunk as
he was at 8 a.m.
-Ran back to his friend’s place
with a bucket of cold water, threw
it on him while he was sleeping,
ran back to his apartment giggling
where he passed out for the final
time that night (morning?)
Dirty Teddy and The Behrend Beacon
encourage students to drink responsibly.
Boozehound of the Week was created to
show what can happen when one consumes
too much alcohol and makes a complete
jackass out of him or herself
Send your 50-100 word nomination for
Boozehound of the Week to:
behrcoM2@aol.com.
Note: We will not publish stories about crimi
nal acts. If you want your name in the paper,
the nomination must come from your psu per
sonal account. If you want your picture in the
paper, send a jpeg Tile along with your Mory.
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