Ben Kundman, Humor Page Editor
The Behrend Beacon
People I hate
People at Behrend that
make me retch-itus.” I’m sure most of you have this same
disease and I categorized these individuals into groups so
when you seen them around campus, you will know how
to reference them and can recognize them.
The first group is entitled “Makus Outis En Publicis.”
These are the slobby jerks that find it necessary to be with
their loved ones at all times. Usually the broad is a deuce
or a deuce and a half and I for one wouldn’t be parading a
beast like that around campus. I won’t get too far into
this one because 1 tackled this group in my last article.
However, I’ve found out the consistent induced
regurgitation these fools inflict makes an excellent dietary
plan.
The second group is “Engineerus Playis Gamis.” These
are the blind-eyed engineers that play that godforsaken
Internet bowling at all times in the labs when you need to
get projects done. There’s a time for Internet bowling
and that is during class, not between classes. Mostly
freshmen, they have little consideration towards real
students and continue to utilize every computer in the lab
until you give them hell. These characters, when not
playing Internet bowling, commonly talk about
Counterstrike and Quake 111 to pass the time, marveling
at each other’s superior computer game feats. If you care
to locate them on the weekend, walk through the dorms at
3 in the morning and listen for gunshots being blown
through their computers’ subwoofers. They are commonly
doing freshman engineering nerdy things and sitting next
to ten erftpty cans of Mountain Dew.
Now, let’s not confuse these kids with the homicidal
guys that play Magic The Gathering outside Bruno’s.
Although homicidal, they are not prone to violence unless
agitated. They’re sort of like snakes and spiders.
The third is a group called “Sportis Maximus Egois.”
These guys obviously went to high school with a
wonderful athletic program because they think, just
because they are on an off-campus baseball team, God
deemed them superior to everyone else. These kids need
to grow up and realize that playing sports, although may
be enjoyable to y<mi,• gets- you nowhere.
A great athletic background and a dollar can get you a
20 minute phone call. For instance, I placed second in
the county in long jump and seventh in the district. Where
does that leave me today? Passed out next to a bottle of
Jim Beam with a cigarette in my hand. I’d say if you
guys went to a good football school and were on the team
you might amount to something, but give me a break. I’m
not attacking all the athletes, because I’m friends with a
good number of them, but they aren’t the chauvinist ones.
I also highly recommend that these athletes start smoking.
The fourth category is split up into three parts. They
revolve around drunken broads that you’ll see at a party.
They all pretty much fall into these categories and if you
are a broad that wants to date me, and you fall into any of
these categories, I’ll most likely kick you to the curb.
The first is “Drunkus Broadis Annoyus.” We all know
these ones. These are the broads that never drink and get
loose, drunk and giggly at a party falling over and slurring
something awful. These differ from the alcoholic broads
that drink every night and fall all over. Although these
are the easiest to coax in the sack, their complete
annoyance is enough where even Andrew “Dice” Clay
would throw them in the streets. In other words, they
suck.
The second is “Drunkus Broadis Passed Outis.” This
is also an easy one to get in the sack but unless you are a
necrophiliac I wouldn’t advise it. These are the broads
that are passed out in the comer and got so boozed up
even their friends gave up on them.
The third is “Drunkus Broadis Flirtis.” Broads like these
can be found hitting on you. Yes you! So stop slitting
your wrists and start going to parties. The downside to
these broads is that although one is hitting on you, once
you go get her another beer, she’s halfway back to your
best friend’s room. She is pretty much worthless unless
you’re that friend who got her back to your place, in which
case I hate you.
The fifth and final group is “Get Weirdis the Longer
They’re at Behrendis.” You’ve seen these freaks of nature
freshman year and they get more bizarre every year they
are at this campus. I don’t know what Bruno put in his
Chicken Cozmos but these fools get more and more mental
the longer they are here. For a lack of a better word, when
I was a freshman, these guys were “normal’ but now they
are totally whacked out on what most people think is coke
but I’m not buying it. I believe it’s heroin. These guys
need to invest in a mirror and take a look at themselves
every now and then, not that I’m anything traditional to
look at, but even I have some sense.
Hopefully, if you are reading this you do not fall into
any of these categories because for one, I pity you, and
two, you’re going to kick my ass. But if you don 11 hope
you enjoyed and you know all these types of people. And
I care about what you think, if there’s anything you think
I should write about or any comments, death threats, etc.
email me at behren4beucon@hotmail.com.
Butala’s column appears whenever he sobers
up enough to write something coherent.
When you look
around the campus
you may have noticed
the increasing
numbers of mentally
unstable individuals
plaguing the university.
For the most part I’m an
easygoing guy but
recently I have been
diagnosed with the new
ound virus called
Nrrm&vM
Friday, January 18, 2002
Aldi’s product review
The only bad thing that happened due to the meal was the chick from ‘ Save
the Last Dance” ralphed in the bathroom after eating the product. Britney said
something about her being a Bolivionic or something. I was confused, cause she
Cheese Club Macaroni and Cheese looked kind of Swedish to me.
Anyway, the Cheese Club Macaroni and Cheese is made with natural aged
cheddar cheese and it tastes good. Cook some. If you don’t like it you can always
throw what’s left on someone’s door and run away. I give Aldi’s Cheese Club
Macaroni and Cheese 3 1/2 turbans out of four.
P.S. Britney, can you bring my pants back? I left them at your house on
accident. Sorry! He-he.
Japanese Boy Band of the Month
The Kids in
By: Tony DiPlacido, Humor page contributor
Little kids. We all love them. We watch in pure bliss as
they excitedly unwrap Christmas presents. We view them
in splendor as they play with pets. We observe in joy as
they hit each other with two-by-fours. Yet more and more
young couples are saying that they don’t want children.
I say this is ridiculous. Don’t you want a darling little
baby that everyone thinks is cute, that screams every night,
requires constant diaper change, and throws up on you
periodically? As the infant gets older, you will see the other
joys of youth. Imagine coming home from a rough day,
and the comfort you will feel as your child runs into your
A creative version of “Dueling Banjos”
The Setting:
On Tuesday January the 1“, 2002, nine members of the
collective known as The Penn State Behrend embarked on
an epic journey. This journey was not so much like Homer’s
Odyssey as it was like Homer’s quest to find out what the
in his middle name stood for when he wound up
A meeting some crazy hippies on a commune, ruining
their hippie vegetable drink then trying to
making it up to them by making a new
j. batch but inadvertently adding magic
ti jjll mushrooms to the drink causing the
entire town of Springfield to trip.
® Yes, lam talking about a four day
Ben Kundman trip to Killington, Vermont, for sun,
fun, skiing, snowboarding, and drunken tomfoolery.
The Players:
Two suitable vehicles were procured, a ’99 Chevy Venture
and a ’94 Dodge Intrepid. Due to the vehicles’ closeness to
the hearts of all, they were christened “Big Green” and
“Ghostrider.”
The players in this game, in order to save face and hopefully
save them from the wrath of God, will heretofore be known
as: The Cat (For his smooth moves with those of the female
persuasion), Subtle C (for his hen-like exterior and contrasting
interior), Lil’ G (for being the little brother). Big G (for being
the big brother), OG Dovesack (for bringing supplies
necessary for any trip), Girt “That Guy” Giggler (for his
propensity to run around naked and general That Guy-isms),
Hawkeyes (for his keen detective skills and uncanny ability
to spot finer specimens of the female persuasion from afar),
The Dalai Lama (for having a theory to justify absolutely
anything), and Dirty Thirty (for the relations he had with a
woman just shy of thirty who had questionable morals.)
The Slopes:
All of the slopes and trails were incredible beyond
description.
The snow was mostly man-made the first day on the
mountain, but each night afterward, there was at least a
dusting, so the snow improved each day. Man-made snow is
like a blow-up doll - it works if you’re truly desperate, but
I have to admit, when I was first instructed to write product reviews on a
store named “Aldi’s," I was confused.
After all, Aldi’s sounds like an Arab carpet store, not a
place to buy groceries,
Can you imagine the confusion when Ben, the Humor
Page Editor, told me Aldi’s was a place to go for edibles?
My response was, “There’s a place in Erie where
people go to eat carpet?! Man, I was shocked. jHMH
But Ben told me about Aldi’s and what it’s really about- „ genacci
a store that sells generic products and makes you pay to use their carls.
After searching through their dumpster, I found some old boxes o! macaroni
and cheese, made by a company named “Cheese Club.”
But let me tell you, the only thing sexier than the product’s name was the
taste of their product. After preparing the dish, I fed it to my panel, which consisted
of Britney Spears, Tom Green, and that chick from the movie “Save the Last Dance.
They all liked the macaroni and cheese. Heck, Tom Green even tried to eat
the box.
The panel and I were surprised to see Britney pledging her allegiance to
Cheese Club products while openly ragging on the Mickey Mouse Club and Justin
Timberlake.
Happatai wins with a 6-1 vote
January’s Pick for Japanese Boy Band of the Month is
Happatai, hands-down. Their hit single “Yatta,” released early
2001, took Japan and America to another level and brought the
two countries closer than anyone could have imagined.
Their choreography puts the Macarena to shame. They have
been described as a splash of the Village People with a double
shot of Spinal Tap.
Every month, the humor page staff will select their favorite Japa
nese hoy band. If you have know of any up and coming Japanese
boy bands, please email behrcoll2@aol.com immediatly.
America
arms and gives you a warm, sincere hug. Then informs
you that if you should find a destroyed coffee table, the
dog did it. As your child matures into a teen, he or she
will continuously entertain you with an endless supply of
rude remarks.
No, seriously, I love kids. The other day, some kids
were passing through that little gap in between Bruno’s
and that Balcony where 1 usually sit. Naturally, 1 had to
turn to look at the kids. I love kids. (In a purely legal way,
1 assure you.) Anyway, one of these kids keeps his neck
craned to keep looking at me as he passes, right? Well,
the little tyke walked right into the wall. I’m sure burst
ing out laughing was wrong, but sue me. It was funny.
I don’t see myself having kids. Dude, I would make a
nothing can truly satisfy like the real thing.
The Nightlife:
Once the first day on the slopes was finished (having no
night skiing, the day ended at 4 p.m.) our weary travelers
checked into their spacious slope-side condo and procured
the basic human need second only to shelter: beer. A keg, in
fact. The keg gods must have been looking down at the nine
on that day, because they were blessed with the last keg in
the entire county. Although the keg was filled with the swill
known as “Budweiser,” it still provided the liquid refreshment
necessary to make it through four days of skiing and
snowboarding.
The nightlife was eerily reminiscent of Penn-State
' »y#. W®# -' Behrend: about 25
percent of the bar
goers were
female, and the
other 75 percent
were male. There
reminiscent of
meat markets than places to enjoy a good brew and a live
band.
The drunken That Guyerey of “That Guy” made meeting
members of the opposite sex quite easy. That Guy would
walk into a bar, and immediately find a group of attractive
women, introduce himself, and say “You gotta meet my
friends!” This provided an amazing convenient icebreaker,
as most of the Behrend 9 are only able to “break the ice”
when thoroughly inebriated.
The Drunken Tomfoolery:
Girt ‘That Guy” Giggler managed to impress the ladies
and simultaneously weird out the neighbors from downstairs
by running around naked half the time. Notable drunken
naked moments include: A table dance for half a dozen girls;
- Mike Butala
horrible father
“Johnny, gel daddy the paper. Johnny, write daddy’s
column for him. Johnny, the TV is broken. Walk into the
wall a couple more limes tor daddy's amusement, okay?”
Dude. 1 can’t imagine myself at parent-teacher confer
ences. “Mr. DiPlaeido, your child is frightening his class
mates. Everyone thought it was kind of funny when his
head completely spinned around, but (he writing in blood
is where we draw the line."
1 understand that scientists have actually created arti
ficial sperm. This means that there is no obligation for
me to have a child. Science will create a far better one
then 1 ever could.
running after a Toyota Camry. beer in hand, asking for
directions; and getting firewood at 3 a.m. (see above)
Big G, while piloting Big Green to a bikini/boxer contest
at an alcohol fun-house, nearly wrecked into a parked Acura
due to his misjudgment of the coefficient of kinetic friction
between all-season tires and solid ice. The Behrend 9 were
quite pleased with the results of the bikini contest, as the
second place winner was from PSU (although oddly enough
she chose to remove her bikini, making one wonder why they
called it a BIKINI contest) and the first place winner was
from Point Park in Pittsburgh, where seven of the Behrend 9
hailed from.
The Cut. in all of his smooth glory, managed to seduce one
desirable female as well as one slightly less desirable female
back to the condo. The Cat realized his game was misdirected
when it was discovered that the females he had brought home
were of questionable moral v alues, but, unfortunately, at the
same moment this discovery was made, Dirty Thirty was
upstairs earning his namesake.
That Guy and The Dalai Lama managed to place a very
undesirable part of the male anatomy on the head of several
of their fellow travelers They also performed a very creative
version of “Dueling Banjos" with the aforementioned part of
the male anatomy. Two entire cans of shaving cream were
used in a condo-wide battle, coating all (with the exception
of The Cat, due to his propensity to violence, and OG
Dovesack, who was hiding in the closet) with a large amount
of shaving cream.
were no shortage
of nightspots
however, the
Behrend 9 found
most of the bars to
be more
The Locals:
Everyone from Vermont sucks
Conclusions:
Hangovers, bloody marys. controlled substances and terrain
parks don't mix, unless you are the reincarnated leader of an
Eastern religion.
Driving 10 straight hours is hell
Everyone from Vermont sucks.
Go to Killington.
Kundmim's column appears whenever he feels like it.
behrcoll2@aol.com
Dirty Teddy's
Malt Liquor
presents:
Boozehound
of the Week
"That (iuy" has been selected
as 800/ehound of the Week be
cause of his shameless run from
a condo in Killington to the
nearbv wood shed wearing only
socks and shoes. “That Guy”
braved below freezing tempera
tures to bring his fellow skiers and
snow boarders a fresh load of
wood.
Dots Irthiv and The Behrend Beacon
encourage students to drink responsibly.
Itoovehouiul of the Week was created to
slion ii Inn t an happen when one consumes
too much alcohol and makes a complete
jackass out of him or herself.
Send your SO-100 word nomination for
lioo/ehound of the Week to:
hehreoll2@aol.com.
Note: We will not publish stories about
criminal acts. If you want your name in the
paper, the nomination must come from your
psu personal account. II you wantyourpic
ture in die paper, send a jpeg file along with
Muir '.lor\
I think I'll go walk into a wall now.
Page 7
PF.NNSTATE
ESS Erie
lIMJ
That Guy”