FRIDAY, APRIL 6, 2001
I wanna
rock!
Untitled 21
Ben Kundman
, -
, il
Spring break was one of the craziest
weeks of my life. I went to Panama City
Beach, FL, with a couple engineers and a
ton of the KDR guys. Since Penn State
frowns on tales of drunken debauchery, here
is my story of spring break, minus the
alcohol.
We left Friday at 4 p.m. Alabama was
really crappy. We got there at noon Saturday
The sand was white, and the ocean was blue
Our room was nice. We paid $7.46 for five
minutes of go carting, making riding go
carts in Panama City Beach more expensive
minute by minute than riding whores in
Tijuana. We left the next Saturday at 4 a.m.
Alabama was really crappy. We got back to
Behrend at midnight Saturday.
In continuing with my tradition of writing
list-type articles with no apparent topic, I
decided to incorporate a new form of
transition. Rather than fighting with
Microsoft Word to get a neatly hulleted or
numbered list, I will instead utilize the
slash" (when I say "slash," I mean a "\"
not the guitarist from Guns and Roses
although that would he killer.)
Hazardous wastes spills are always
boring. No one really cares if liquid
nitrogen gets dumped on the highway. We
need hazardous waste spills that are fun and
interesting, like man eating piranhas.
Shriners with machetes, or pissed oft mimes
with machine guns./ We need gastrological
engineering here at Behrend. Screw
plastics, we should be famous for our ' . Fart''
engineers. Fart engineers would study the
amount of odor absorbance and sound
deadening qualities of various seating
surfaces. We could petition the government
to institute a new standard, something where
every seat is marked with a label for sound
and odor absorbency, with a 10 for a Lazy
Boy. and 1 for a plastic chair. / People need
to quit complaining that Shaggy is coming
to Behrend. So what if he's not the latest,
greatest - cheesy watered down college
(crap) rock hand'? Urn sure everyone who
was complaining was saying it should be
Creed or Dave Matthews or one of 50 other
sound alike makers of wussy crap. The Goo
Goo Dolls, Fuel, Our Lady Peace, Train, and
Creed (especially) all make me want to burst
my own eardrums with rusty ice picks./
Speaking of music, how bad does everything
on the radio/MTV suck today? All this
fusion/punk/funk/thrash/ metal/ukulele/
accordion/soul/polka/death metal/rap/folk/
hiphop/shlock rock/funk rock/crap is
hideous. If you're not Run D.M.C. or the
Beastie Boys, then don't even try passing off
mixing rock and rap as "new." / Jared
Matola is a narcissistic meathead. / All of
the students whose sports participation never
surpasses throwing their buddy a beer from
the fridge and an occasional game of beer
pong deserve a forum similar to the "Athlete
of the Week" in the Beacon. Instead of
highlighting athletic excellence, the
"Boozehound of the Week" could share an
embarrassing anecdote of drunken misfor
tune, to try to convince the non-athletic
types here on campus that college is all
about waking up at 6 a.m. to run a mile, not
shot gunning beers in the shower with high
School girls. / The Pontiac Aztec is the
ugliest automobile in the history of man-
kind. It looks like it was beaten by an angry
mob armed with large, unwieldy ugly sticks.
/ The feature in the Beacon, "What's Hot in
Erie" should change its name to "Where We
Go to Drink to Try and Forget That We are
Stuck in Erie" / People always complain
about the amount of snow we get in Erie. If
you ask ANYONE what they think about
Erie, they will tell you one or both of the
following A.) Good Fishin' B.) It snows a
lot. QUIT COMPLAINING. THIS IS NOT
FLORIDA. / Mike Butala is cool. / We
residents pay enough a year for parking
permits that we should get free valet parking
and our cars shoveled out every time it
snows. / The elevator in the "Million
Dollar" stairway has brought Behrend
students to a new level of slothfulness. An
extra three flights of stairs a day never killed
anyone. Why don't we just issue each
student a Laz-E-Boy with a Laptop attached
to it upon admission, then build a sophisti
cated system of Pneumatic tubes running
from all the dorms and apartments to the
class buildings so we never, ever have to get
off our fat bums? / Professional Wrestling is
neither Professional nor Wrestling. / Reality
Television is neither Reality nor Television. /
Dean Lilley is neither a Dean nor a Lilley.
Well, I guess he is a Dean...but he most
certainly isn't a flower!
Kundman's column appears every three
weeks.
~.r~.,,~t.~
Tell us what you
Send a letter to the Editor!
Send all letters to:
behrcoll2@aol.com
My car, the Grand Canyon, and a bungee cori
After months of banging on my starter
with a hammer and piece of scrap wood and
one decapitated doe later, my sexy little
Raider again starts and works. (Okay, so I
need new brakes. but heck...neutral stops
are fun.) And with the upcoming spring
weather (go ahead, laugh), I've been
thinking about all of the trips I want to
make with my windows rolled clown and
my stereo blasting Matchbox Twenty (yes,
MB2U. It's good travel music!). Honestly, I
just want to get out of Erie. Not that there is
anything wrong with six inches of snow at
the beginning of April and a dead fish smell
lingering in the air...
Regardless, I've been bouncing off the
wall the past couple of weeks. I need my
freedom. Of course, the price of freedom is
Who rules? O'Doyle rules!
Oh, You
Didn't Know?
Karl Benacci
•••••••••rnm. •••••
It's three o' clock a.m. and you're nestled
in your bed, having a wonderful dream
about Britney Spears...oh yes, how
magnificent... Britney looks scrumptious in
that extra small size tee-shirt, doesn't she?
Oh but wait! A sudden sound awakens you,
throwing you from your wonderful
dreamland back into the reality of college
life.
This happens to me every Wednesday
night, and it exasperates me to say the least
So what was the noise that woke me up?
Well, take your choice: I) It was a car that
spun massive rubber and burned off, 2) It
was the dude that lives next to me, who
likes to beat the wall in a drunken rage, 3) It
was a group of screaming people running
around outside.
Fighting over something with your friends? Want to see it debated
in the newspaper? Send us your idea, and we will debate it in our
think!
about two weeks worth of
paychecks, but it's well worth it.
And truthfully, driving to Warren
ttitude Problem or even Cleveland just doesn't cut it
Paige Miles anymore. (But I have been to the
Russel Roller Rink, where children of
all ages learn to be drug dealers.) I
can't wait until I have the freedom to
drive to Florida or even as far as California
simply because I'm bored. It's all pretty
unrealistic, hut hey. it could happen. So, in
light of my restlessness, I have searched far
and wide (ok, not far at all) for some of the
coolest places I would love to visit.
Temptation Island— Maybe the reasons
are incredibly obvious, but come on--hot
guys, warm weather, drinks with cute little
umbrellas...absolute paradise. Those
contestants on the show had it all wrong.
Going to the island with a significant other
totally destroys the potential for the massive
possibilities. (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.)
The Bermuda Triangle— How cool would
this be? We've all heard the tales of the
scary stuff that occurs when flying or
boating in the area. My car acts as if it is
permanently lodged in the Triangle as it is,
so actually being there (in my car, on a ferry,
with MB2O blaring) would just heighten the
'Hot Debate" of the week discussion!
behrcoll2@aoLcom
EDEFORIAL
experience
Many of you may wonder why I do
nothing about this. Well, for one, after
being thrown from my sleep, it's as if I
am a newborn kitten. No. 1 am not
on drugs. Let me explain. Like a
newborn kitten, my eyes are still
closed, and a simple beam of
light is a biting acid upon my
eyes. Second, I have no coordination
after waking up, and I need to relearn
how to walk, which takes a while. In short,
its easier to lay in bed and rest. Besides, if I
confronted anyone in my slippers and
bathrobe, I would end up looking like the
old guy from the movie Billy Madison, who
screams "I'll get you damn kids...you're all
gonna die!!!"
But seriously, some people need to work
on their consideration and manners. Now I
admit, I am not as dignified as the dude on
the Grey Poupon commercials, for I some
times slouch in class and spit on the ground,
but I am by no means a bad mannered guy,
right?
For I have stories that will chill your
bones and make you cringe in disgust. In
fact, how about a top five list of the rudest
things I've experienced Behrend? 5) A
certain Behrend Beacon editor sat back on
her chair and placed her feet on a table
The Hot Debate of The Week'
Even in today's society of medical marvels
we still have countless diseases that restrict
the lives of thousands of people. Cloning
has the potential to unlock the cures for
many health problems that people face today.
Some might say that cloning is nothing but
trouble. Duplicating people is wrong and
could be use in atwisted and subverted way
to create.*o4`yiettpoile or to cheat
death. Citeettiiii:44l4o the goal of any
medical mearchArrieslne thafyou or
someone you love is dying of heart failure
but there are no heart donors available.
Fortunately, cloning research could develop
a way to clone a new heart or any other
organ or limb that is needed. There are
always going to be people in this world that
want to use technology in some destructive
way. The possibility of that should not scare
us into holding back progress. If rational
scientists abandon cloning, some psycho
may end up creating and using the
technology before we have a suitable counter
measure.
This research could be used to help
infertile people have a child or tight diseases
that kill or disable millions. This may sound
a little far-fetched, but what if we had
computers as fast as the human mind? It
may be possible to clone brain tissues that
could makeup a bioorganic computer system
We should not let our fears make us stagnant
in the technological progress.
Every week, two editors from the staff will debate a topic that is
hot. Students, faculty and staff are encouraged to email sugges
tions for the hot topic. Send ideas to behrcoll2@aol.com
The Grand Canyon— Yeah, it's the
common destination for boring family
vacations, but wouldn't it be great to
bungee jump off of it? Even better, how
about attaching my Raider to a bungee cord
and letting go? (With my luck, the cord
would snap and I would finally get a car
that doesn't make funny noises.)
Area 51— My ultimate goal is to be an FBI
agent. I can hardly imagine all of the freaky
secrets the government keeps from us. The
supposed Area 51 is the ultimate
government hideout. Besides, little green
men are cute.
The Dressing Room for MB2O-- Rob
Thomas? Oh yeah. Enough said.
Springfield, Any State— I never exactly
found out what state the Simpson family
lives in, but still, Springfield is one crazy
town. Where else is there a green-haired
clown hopped up on drugs, a nuclear power
plant that has regular meltdowns, and a
dysfunctional family that never ages? Only
in Springfield.
Wherever 'hipac is Hiding Out— How is
it exactly that a dead guy still releases
CDs? This would be a great tabloid
scandal.
Timbuktu— My mom used to always say
something like "I'll send you to Timbuktu
(Don't worry, I will take the secret of your
identity to my grave), 4) People walk into
the Ohio Hall elevator before other people
have a chance to get out of the elevator, 3)
When someone doesn't hear something that
another person said and instead of saying
"pardon me?" they say "what?" (my pet
peeve), 2) When people come to class sick
and infect everyone with their scummy
germs, 1) My first roommate and I had
bunk beds, and he once fornicated with a
girl...on his top bunk, and I was on the
bottom bunk, trying to sleep! It still haunts
me to this day!
Are manners important? Do they matter?
Yes and yes. Manners not only reflect who
you are, but they reflect where you will go.
How many established people are rude and
vulgar? Well, lets look at Behrend's most
established person. I cannot imagine Dean
Lilley spitting chew into a pop can or
saying "I ain't gonna eat at Bruno's today."
Why can't I? Because the man has impec
cable manners. Of course, a Dean of a
college must have good manners, as with a
number of other high up jobs.
Why else are manners important?
Manners show people what kind of person
an individual may be. Take for instance, a
member of the opposite sex. Now girls,
Me vs. me?
Just because we can do something doesn't
make it right. And now that we have the
technology to actually clone human beings,
we have to run right out and do it? I see
several problems with the whole, "keeping
up with science" argument.
Whatever happened to people being
unique? Wtokini;44,yie44,:inffteople,
won't that:eveNuOy lik* 44 te e tI equivalent
to inbreixang?*lte 4** *change of
bloodlines i wil*WpftheAty of kings
and queens that married cousins to carry on
royal blood. And we will just have the same
people coming into the world over and over
again. We don't know if these clones will
have minds of their owns, or simply be
reliving the same life.
Also, what happens when (not if) this
technology fallsinto the wrong hands?
There will be people out there that will want
to take advantage of it. Imagine if Hitler
could have gotten his hands on this ability.
We would probably still be feeling the
effects to this day. Is that really a risk that
we want to take?
In the end, the ability to clone humans
will come with a heavy price. It may not
even be a consequence that we can fathom
right now, but in the end, it is going to
change the world, and most likely, not for
the better.
J. Miller
if you don't shut your mouth." I didn't
know it was an actual place until a few
years ago. They must torture young children
there. I'm curious...or is Timbuktu
something like BFE?
South Park— Following the Simpsons
theory, how many towns has the devil and
Saddam Hussein visited within the same
day? Where else can you "kick the baby"?
And has anyone ever seen Cheezy Poofs on
a store shelf in any town besides South
Park? Do the cooks at Bruno's break out
into Barry White tunes? I think not. (I
should hope not.)
Those Places on the Jeep Commercials—
Last week, I tried to get my Raider as
muddy as possible. I hit every mud puddle
in North East...some large enough to drown
a baby elephant. Yet, my Raider still doesn't
look like the vehicle on the Jeep
commercial. Maybe I'll just throw mud on it
instead.
Chances are, my 4x4 wouldn't even make
it to any of these places without rolling over
or dropping the engine. I probably won't
even make it to Grove City this summer, but
until then, I'll stick with the Russel Roller
Rink.
Miles' column appears every three weeks
would you rather have a guy that opens
doors for you and listens to you without
interrupting? Or would you rather have a
guy that doesn't hold doors open for you
and interrupts you to tell you about the time
he threw a pumpkin off an overpass? What
about you guys? Would you rather have a
girl that has wonderful table manners or
would you rather have a girl that chews with
her mouth open, resembling a cow chewing
its cud?
It seems safe to say that people are more
likable when they have halfway decent
manners. So what can be done to improve
one's manners? An individual can either
read up on the subject or take a course. It
sounds corny, but it's helpful. My mother is
a very proper woman, and she has told me
the ups and downs of manners so I can turn
myself into a perfect gentlemen as easily as
I can turn on a light switch. Thanks mom!
As far as I'm concerned, an individual
doesn't have to be a perfectly well-man
nered individual, but he or she should
respect others, and try to be non-offensive
What happens to rude individuals? Well,
anyone that has seen Billy Madison knows
what happened to the 0' Doyle family...
Benacci's column appears every three
weeks.
K. Galley