1
.- 44" ilk THE BERHEND
ito -' i i ,
' 1\
1111k\ A
C 0 1 % 1
i r REMO '
1( ,, t0J'hY)[01)11 (..CVA:',1111)(0))1,)
NCONONgCO3
WEATHER
FRIDAY - tornadoes
High - you wish you were
Low - -1321
Check page 2A for the
weekend weather outlook.
INSIDE
PAGE 99X
Hoof in Mouth
at Behrend? How
did it make its way
to campus?
PAGE 3 16DD
Having trouble
sleeping? It might
be
NEWS
CALENDAR OF EVENTS
s, •
EDITORIAL
FEATURES
.t , l"
SPORTS
p •,!:;
NEWSROOM: 898-NEWS
FAX US: 898-BROKEN
ON THE WEB:
www.imemailingPenndot.com
Offices are located in the underground
dojo in Reed Union Building
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ No. 69 MARGO 11p20a1GE,
: erhend holds annual Pageant of Beauty
Frawley and Lilley
pose with their
flowers after the
pageant held last
Friday in Bruno's
He's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack
by Tommy Boy
ultimate college student
Yes, that's right folks. You read the
headline correctly. Everyone's
favorite person k back and better than
ever. And you thought he was really
going to graduate!
Unless this spring is your first
semester at Berhend, you probably
remember good ole Mike. Mike was
the former managing editor and role
model of the Berhend Bacon. Last
fall, after seven long years as a student
at Berhend (hey, lot's of people go to
college for seven years), Mike faked
everybody out by pretending to
graduate. Boy oh boy did Mikey love
his practical jokes. He even carried
this one so far as to talk the
administration into letting him walk
at graduation and receive a fake
diploma. Little did you know this was
not Mike's first graduation walk.
When approached by another
those
darn
ghosts
A STATE PENN EERIE STRII3 O ENT PUBICATION
I am here to inform you that eves
pubication is a big boned pile of
in, pretend. Meaning, untrue. Fa,
anyone who might take offense tl
upon your bum. We will play upi
probably exaggerated because w(
satirists who just want to have fu,
of this is untrue), so don't take th
that we are probably in poor taste
graduating senior who seemed
nervous about the impending march,
Mike exclaimed, "Don't tell me this
is your first time! I can't believe
you've never been cow tipping
before!" (It should be known that
Mike was a little tipsy from the
contents of his shiny new silver flask
that he kept under his robe when he
made this comment. The only other
explanation we have is that Mike
frequently mistook the administration
for more bovine creatures.)
Thanks to a last minute save by a
certain political science professor,
Mike did not really graduate last
semester. He instead took the
semester off to travel the country as
a salesman. When asked about his
experiences, Mike had the following
to say: "Hey, this salesman stuff isn't
so easy. You gotta finesse them a
little. By finessing I mean sputtering
out sentence fragments and lighting
things on fire." After several huge
by agent waterbaby
resident fibbie
It was a tense moment when the
announcer held the envelope in
his hand and called the winning
•
name. "And the winner
is... Provost and Dean John
Lilley!" Tears
have been waiting
for this for ten long
years, finally my bikini
waxing has paid off!"
Lil ley was the winner in the
45th annual Behrend Pageant of
Beauty. First runner up was former
Managing Editor of the Bacon, Mike
Frawley. Lilley has competed in the
pageant for ten years in a row and
has, in the past, received no higher
honor than fifth runner up. It was this
embarrassing failures and much
wasted time looking for Davenport,
lowa, Mike decided to return to sunny
Erie and get a job handing out surveys
at the mall.
"I am very excited to be coming
back to Berhend after my respite,"
Mike said. Mike says that he plans to
advance the Bacon even further into
the 21‘' Century. "I want to get us some
even better Macs for the office. I love
Macs - can't get enough of them."
Students may remember Mike for
the numerous editorials he wrote
complimenting his friends at SGA, the
Greek organizations, and the Computer
Center. Mike will he writing a new
column next semester called "Happy,
fuzzy fluff by Mike."
"Mike is such a friendly, kind
hearted guy. He just loves everybody.
I have never met a freer spirit," said
Jason Snyder, current editor-in-chief.
Snyder will be retiring his position at
the end of this semester. He is planning
year though that Lilley made his
With a talent of hula dancing,
complete with grass skirt and
coconut bra, while singing "On My
Own" from the musical Les
Miserables, Lilley felt he had a good
chance of winning. "Last year the
judges told me that stripping to
Cypress Hill was unacceptable, but
as long as my unmentionables were
covered then I could do anything that
I wanted to this year," he remarked.
After the crown was placed on his
head, and his sash draped across his
chest, Lilley shimmied his way down
the runway to parade in front of all
the adoring fans. It has been esti-
ran down the
face of
Lilley as he
stepped up
to receive
his crown
and bouquet
of flowers. "I
mated that about 3,000 students from
the Berhend campus were in
attendance to cheer on their Dean as
this may be his last year competing.
Rumor has it that a modeling agency
located in Reno, Nevada, was heard
making offers to Lilley after he
exited backstage to dry his tears of
joy.
Though the competition was
tough, Lilley was able to make it
An average day at the Bacon for Mike
on joining Senator Hillary Clinton's
team in New York for a year before
becoming a groupie for N'Sync.
Mike remembers having some great
Bacon tests new font (again)
01 01J111*C1 V-P* V-1-71354 11***** 00m**1
*JIIV V*AV*A
❑ 1:1• - *** *IJ *7 1441 7 + o*t 0 o**
Q*** *V ***AV **V *7 *CM 0 O*V
*7 470•7I:1007*****Ii6 +Zil **II 7+07
*1 * 7+*lll* *7lOl V*IV *A
*ZIII-+A 1Z1•7I 01:1VVI:10 111:1J**Mlist 0 OM
CIO *GICI* 01 CILIA * *A .5r- 0 0 71****1*
+o4.* AV*** *7 *lll V+* +Oll*N-- 0
***CD 0 *o7* *M tD*V--.A ILIVO 0
Z1•7I *MV*7I*AV 0 *OV* *7*** *7
EDP at *--.0 Cl**** Ml* 1711/101 *7IA 01
43 00** A•7l* *Zi *7 *1711:10 00*
NEW FONT continued on page deux
past the preliminaries and get into
the final ten. After he performed his
talent, he nervously watched
backstage as runner-up Frawley
wowed the crowd by juggling small
animals while chugging mass
quantities of beer. The results were
that both men had made it to the
:final round. After heating out such
tough competion as Ken Miller,
Director of Student Affairs and SGA
President Jen Miles, Lilley stood
looking down at the judges while
answering his interview question.
"What is the greatest thing that
could ever happen to you," the
announcer asked. - Urn,...world
peace," was Lilley's answer and the
crowd went wild. After blowing the
interview question last year by
answering, "me like boobies," Lilley
had learned his lesson that all
answers must be world peace.
Should Lilley, for any reason, be
unable to perform his duties as
Berhend Pageant of Beauty winner,
then Frawley will take over as
queen.
times at Behrend. Some of the
greatest included hanging out with his
fellow Baconians. "Maybe we
weren't the smartest guys. Maybe we
spent a little too much time puking
off balconies. But we had fun." Mike
also reminisced about the fun times
he has had at Berhend: "There's tons
of stuff to do here. Late night pitch
`n putt, go to the livestock auction and
cruise the 4H babes, throw stuff off
the bridge . ."
Ann Marie Havey , the Bacon Ad
Manager, is also looking forward to
the return of Frawley. He commented
about how the campus would change
when Mike returned: "That's when
the whores come out. Doing their
little behind-shake for the menfolk.
Men laying their trick money down.
Twenty dollars for the rent? Mmmm
hmmmm. Maybe I'll just spend it on
the whore."
2 PAGES