page 6.0, The Behrend Bacon. April 1,1900 T
News “
AIZ appears on
by the quitter from Quory
cult member
Finally! An organization has been
formed on campus dedicated solely
for the purpose of binge drinking!
Alpha Sigma Sigma, or AXI, now
has a local chapter at Behrend.
This co-ed, social fraternity has
only one premise - to throw a kegger
every night of the week and to have
at least one toga party a week. There
will be no false claims at community
service or campus betterment.
"Unlike most social organizations,
we make no claims at trying to better
the Behrend community. We are
simply in it for the parties," stated
Christina Aguilera, the fraternity's
recently-elected president.
Other officers of AXX include
Monica Lewinsky, vice president;
John McCain, secretary; and Bill
Gates, treasurer.
AZI charges $5OO a year in dues,
which treasurer Gates admits is rather
high. “We do charge a premium in
dues, but we also need to buy much
more alcohol than most social orga
nizations." McCain added, "True, we
are basically buying our friends, but
Graphic
represen
tation of
Bruno’s
ghost
INTRAMURAL
ROUNDUP
Coed Naked Twister
Entries: Deadline is Friday, March 24, at 4:00 p.m
Entry Fee: $.47 will be charged to your student
account
Divisions: Latex, Jello, and Mud
Tournament: Round robin. Top two teams will
advance to a single elimination championship bracket.
Time and Place: Matches will be played Monday thru
Thursday in Dean Lilley’s office
Notes: Please, no painting of colored dots anywhere on
body “Right hand on ”
Coed Naked Bungee Jumping
The Office of Intramural and Recreational Programs
will be sponsoring a bungee jumping trip in Inter-
course, PA
When: The trip is Saturday, April 47. Transportation
will be provided. The trip will leave around 7:00 a.m.
and will return sometime the following year.
Cost: $25.00 per person, which must be paid at the
time of the jump or no bungee cord will be provided.
Beware of chaffing from bungee cords.
Registration: Deadline is Friday, March 13 1/2, at
4:00 p.m. At time of registration you MUST have:
Student ID, payment in full (non-refundable), driver s
license to verify you are 18, and herpes.
they will be premium friends. And
besides, who would associate with us
if we didn't buy our friends? We are
all losers."
Lewinsky confesses that she is in
AZZ only to get more friends. “I was
a loser in high school. I thought the
quickie ... I mean, quick stint in the
Oval Office would boost my
popularity, but it didn’t. And now that
the Jenny Craig thing fell through,
what choice do I have? Besides, why
else would someone join a social
organization if not to buy friends
because they can’t get them any other
All will be going through spring
rush next week. Aguilera advises
anyone interested in the organization
to speak up now because members of
AZZ won't be able to talk to anyone
starting next week. “There is really
no reason why we don’t talk to
people. We just like to ostracize
people on campus and make our
selves look better than everyone
else," she commented.
Aguilera openly admits to the
hazing that goes on within the
organization. "Sure, there’s hazing.
There is always hazing. We are just
honest enough to admit it.” Rituals
Jay’s best friend
campus
include campus vandalism, spanking,
bong making contests, drink-a-thon’s,
cow tipping, and sexual prowess
exhibits.
AZZ is also looking into getting
Erie Hall turned into their frat house.
“We would like to get a bunch of cots
set up so that we can get as many
sorostitutes in here as possible,”
McCain stated. “And men, too!”
Lewinsky added.
Many of the other social
organizations on campus are
protesting the new chapter of AZZ.
Aguilera defended AZZ, saying,
“They object to us because we are
honest. Maybe we aren’t the smartest
guys. Maybe we spend a little too
much time puking off of balconies.
But we have fun. We aren’t lying
about the stuff we do. No, we don’t
have a charity that we ‘support.’ We
do haze. We do drink. In fact, all we
do is drink. But, since everyone else
is doing the same thing, I don’t know
why we get criticized for being
truthful. That is one thing we do that
no other organization does.”
Anyone interested in AZZ should
contact McCain, who has the most
spare time on his hands out of
everyone in the organization.
m vf
i 'i
Spirit of Bruno haunts campus
by KoolKarl
editor of kool stuff
A member of the cleaning staff
made a startling discovery on March
27 at 10:45 p.m. While mopping the
floor in Bruno’s, Nikki Dial noticed
that the portrait of Bruno the dog was
shedding tears. “I saw water running
down the painting so I wiped it off.
Then I noticed that the water was
actually tears running from the dog’s
eyes. Shortly afterwards the smell of
dog food surrounded me.” Dial
promptly alerted Housing and Food
Services.
Since that incident, a number of
strange events have occurred in
Bruno’s. Chairs have been knocked
over at night, paw prints have been
seen on the floor, and a collection of
Pokemon cards has been stolen.
Dean Lilley remarked, “ I was
sorting through my prized Pokemon
collection while eating my peanut
butter and jelly sandwich. 1
momentarily looked away and then
I noticed that my cards were gone.
In their place was a number of pieces
of dog hair. I need my damn Pikachu
card back! Without it I will never be
able to beat Ken Miller in next
week's Pokemon tournament!"
In hopes of reaching Bruno the
dog’s spirit. Housing and Food
■Services conducted a seance on
' March 29. After a number of
attempts, Bruno was contacted. He
Coed Naked Foosball
Entries: Deadline is Friday, March 24, at 1:00a.m.
Entry Fee: $2.69 will be charged to your student
account
Divisions: plastic balls, real balls, no balls
Tournament: who ever wacks it the hardest, wins
Time and Place: Matches will be played on the Reed
Lawn so everyone can join in the naked fun
Notes: Please wear sunscreen when playing any outdoor
sport naked, you really don’t want to be getting blisters,
do you?
Coed Naked Bull Riding
The Office of Intramural and Recreational Programs
will be sponsoring coed naked bull riding for all stu-
dents
When: As soon as we can find a bull
Cost: $25.00 per person, which must be paid at the
time of registration. Lunch of bull’s balls will be pro
vided as soon as the competition is over.
Registration: Deadline is Friday, March 24, at 4:00
p.m. You must register at the IM office and at the time
of registration you MUST have: Student ID, payment in
full (non-refundable), driver’s license to verify you are
18, and you will be asked to sign a waiver. Students
from Corry are prohibited as they tend to be to
“friendly” toward the bulls.
said that he was sad because the Penn
State Men’s basketball team lost
aeainst Notre Dame in the NIT
Tournament
Bruno also told Lilley that his
Pokemon cards were stolen by
Miller. Bruno explained that Miller
stole the cards so that Lilley would
have to forfeit the Pokemon
tournament
Upon hearing this Dean Lilley was
shocked: "No bones about it, I’m
madder than a dog at Miller. He’d
better keep his paws off my cards!”
Miller responded, “Lilley is
barking up the wrong tree.”
Police and Safety found the cards
in Miller's office. An investigation is
underway.