Coed Naked
Archery to debut as
intramural sport
4mm**
Behren
Vol. MZPQLT No. 23 69 pages
Presidential candidate The Rock
holds tagteam debate at Behrend
by Jabroni
manager of
Smack Down Hotel
Just one week after WWF superstar
The Rock announced his candidacy
for U.S. President, the "People’s Can
didate" brought the "People’s Cam
paign" to Penn State Behrend for a
tagteam debate. The debate matched
The Rock with his running mate Mick
Foley against A 1 Gore with vice presi
dential nominee bongo the three
legged monkey and George W. Bush
with Jesse “The Body" Ventura.
The Rock had a different idea as far
as how the debate would run, moving
away from the traditional debates held
in the past. Gore and Bush got a quick
sense of how things would run when
the Rock asked them what they felt
about raising college tuition prices.
Gore began to answer, "1 think..."
"It doesn’t matter what you think
about tuition prices!" said the Rock.
Bacon tests new font
by Mike Frawley
managing editor
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The April Fool’s Day Edition of the Bacon is entirely fictional to
the best of our knowledge. All quotes, events and photo captions
are totally fake...but if you didn’t know that then hit your call
button and our photo editor will find you and hit you in the head
with a tack hammer because you are a pinhead.
HAVE A HAPPY
ARMISTICE DAY
“It doesn’t matter what any of the is
sues are. The only thing that matters
to these students is that the Rock and
Mick Foley can out-talk you, out
campaign you and lay the smack
down on you if you disagree with any
thing we say!"
The Rock continued, "So let's get
to what everyone wants to see; a triple
threat, tagteam match where the win
ner takes all."
Erie Hall was then transformed into
a wrestling arena as hundreds of Be
hrend students filed in for the event.
The match began with the vice
presidential candidates facing off.
Mick Foley was thought to have had
the upper hand, until Jesse “The Body,
Mind and Soul” Ventura started mak
ing fun of Foley s mother. Folev
turned into the deranged Mankind and
started whaling on Ventura. Bongo
skipped off and joined A 1 Gore in his
tree-hugging. Foley and Ventura
brawled down the stairs which left the
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Rock and George W. Bush in the ring.
Bush surprised the Rock with some
left hands to the head. Bush used
chairs and Bruno’s food to continue
the assault, until Behrend’s own Ed
Mulfinger, Manager of Housing and
Food Service interfered.
The Rock took advantage of
Mulfinger’s help, ending the match
and the debate with the “People’s El
bow."
Mulfinger said, “I couldn't tolerate
such a waste of perfectly good food.”
The Rock interupted saying, “good
food? You know what I’m going to
do with that good food. I am going to
take it out of its cheap wrapper, fill it
up with bongo’s monkey turds, turn
it sideways and stick it straight up
your candy a**.”
The Rock immediately went to
work as president getting fast food
restaurants across Jordan Road to
make sure that Behrend always can
"smell what the Rock is cookin’.”
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News page V
WWF Report page 2.2
Corry News page 8 1/2
Huh? page 69
Saturday, April 1, 1900
The Rock shakes hands with AXE president Christina Aguilera before the big debate
N’Sync to rock at Spring Fever!
by Agent Katherine
10th wonder of the world
Forget Brownie Mary and the Buzz
Poets! N’Sync is coming to Spring
Fever! And no one is happier about it
than the Editor-in-
Chief of the
Beacon! “I cannot
wait to see the guys
in the band! They
are the best singers
in the world!”
Just how did
Behrend manage to
book N’Sync? It
was pretty much a
fluke accident, but
we can all thank
Behrend student
Gretchen Lokey. It
was Lokey who is
so obsessed with
the band that she
wrote 45,000 letters
to their agent
begging him to
bring N’Sync to the campus. Rather
than deal with any more letters, he
caved and now Justin, J.C., Lance,
Chris and Joey will be in the
apartment quad this Saturday.
With all the excitement this boy
band is sure to bring, officers in Police
and Safety are being trained on how
to enforce crowd control. They have
been temporarily issued tazer guns
and are eager to use them. They have
List of Stuff page 4
Nude Pictures page 3
Where’s Waldo page 2
Sports page 1
been warned about the obsessive
behaviors of both Lokey and the
Editor-in-Chief and are on the look
out for them
N’Sync will be performing songs
off of both of their CD’s, and it has
been rumored that they will be singing
I Me rive members of N’Sync get fired up
for Spring Fever.
the song, Bye, Bye, Bye 15 times. It
has also been reported that several
students, including Lokey and her
roommate, Kate Galley, will be
preparing a dance to the song and will
get up on stage and accompany the
band in their final encore performance
of Bye, Bye, Bye.
The band also plans to call up
Beacon staff member Mike Frawley
to the stage to make sure that he gets
Bacon
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A Penn State Erie Student Pubication
to hear them perform an extra special
love song, just for him. Assistant
Professor of Political Science, Dr.
Robert Speel says, “I love the band
more than words can express. I saw
them in Toronto and Chris waved at
me! I know he will remember me! I
love them!” In
addition to the
concert the band
will be sponsoring
a date auction and
will be auctioning
off themselves to
five lucky
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TMS PHOTO
Beacon that they
will do everything they can to make
sure that next year’s band will top
N’Sync. But students have been
doubtful that they can pull it off.
Frawley said, “there is no way that
they will top this year...unless of
course they can book the Backstreet
Boys. Now those guys are hot!”
i 1 f 8
YESHIVA
UNIVERSITY
TMS PHOTO
audience
members
There has
been some debate
as to whether or
not Behrend will
be able to top this
Spring Fever next
year. Lion
Entertainment
Board has told the