The Behrend
Bacon
National
by Bongo, the three legged monkey
assistant editor
The housing problems on campus
have grown to epic proportions in the
past week. The recent riots on campus
and the burning of Niagara Hall with
great loss of life has caused the
administration to request that the
National Guard be called out to quell
the disturbances. Provost and Dean
John Lilley is calling on the students
currently holding hostages in Perry
Hall to negotiate and end these
disturbances.
The controversial way that the
entire housing contract turn-in was
handled began the problems on
campus this semester. Housing
remained unresponsive to student
requests to fix the system, causing
students to begin to ponder taking
things into their own hands.
On Thursday, March 25th, what
started out as a nonviolent protest
soon ended up turning into a full scale
Vampires beware: TV’s Buffy
named new Director of H&SS
by ms. tater tots (aka perky per per)
managing editor
Sarah Michelle Gcllar, of Vam
pire Slaying fame, has been named
the new Director of Humanities and
Social Sciences. After a year long
search for the right candidate, the
■ j: v i.l-d upon
Gellar because of her outstanding at
tributes, especially her ability to in
crease male enrollment.
Gellar is all business. She is
known to wear Frederick’s of Holly
wood and Victoria Secrets Clothing
to meetings, and this seductive tactic
imanities and Social Sciences Director, Sarah Michelle Geller
Eerie, PA 16563
Guard called out to put down housin
riot. The rioters presented a list of
demands for the improvement of
Housing and Food Services. These
demands included: a better system for
housing contracts, greater
reponsiveness from Housing and
Food Services, improved food on
campus, and hot tubs on each floor of
the dorms. While the administration
was willing to consider hot tubs in the
dorms, they insisted that the other
demands were outrageous.
After refusing to hear anymore from
the students, they demanded that the
protesters disperse. When the
protesters refused, Police and Safety
was ordered to remove the protesters
by whatever means necessary. When
one resisting student was knocked
unconscious by a Police and Safety
officer, the situation turned into a full
riot which concluded with the burning
of Niagara and the rioters taking over
Perry and holding members of the
administration hostage, including Bill
Donahue, Director of Police and
has been described as a very effec
tive way of increasing interest in the
school. In an attempt to increase stu
dent participation, Gellar has orga
nized student sleepovers at her new
home in Corry. There has already
been an increase in transfer applica
tions in male students from Gannon,
Edinbo r o 3rd Mercyhurst.
The lines are going around the
Reed Commons for students who are
willing to work for her as a work
study student. It is said that Gellar
beat out some stiff competition, in
cluding Jesse Ventura, governor of
Minnesota, Janet Reno, The U.S. At-
April Fools’ Day, 1999 Volume II No. 69
Safety, and Ed Mulfinger, Director
of Housing and Food Services.
Governor Tom Ridge has
approved calling out the National
Guard to put down the riots and
place the campus under martial law.
He is hoping that the riots can be put
down with minimal loss of life, and
the ringleaders of the rioters, who at
this point remain unknown, can be
brought to justice.
Our new editor-in-chief. Bob the
Scrubbing Bubble
tomey General, Sammy Sosa of the
Chicago Cubs, and Tinky Winky,
the gay purple Teletubby.
The criteria included swimsuit,
evening gown and talent competi
tions. Gellar won the talent compe
tition by a long shot, by swallow
ing a thirteen inch Hillshire Farm
Italian Sausagv
Unfortunately Tinky Winky
was eliminated from the competi
tion because he was beheaded by
Reno’s massive throw in her caber
toss performance. Reno’s very re
vealing two piece thong bikini was
a hit with judges; it basically had
them riveted to their seats while they
reached for their gag bags. Gellar’s
evening gown was designed by
Redi-Whip and it included straw
berry pasties.
Gellar is determined to make a
couple of changes in the curriculum,
including adding new courses such
as Deconstruction of Vampire Slay
ing, Sexual Manipulation, and A
Hundred and One Ways to Make
Your Lover Feel Loved.
There is speculation that Gellar
is planning to teach some of these
courses herself, as her life experi
ence will be valuable in demonstrat
ing some of these skills.
Burnt out remains of Niagara Hall
FBI apprehends Behrend stu-
in plot against President
dent
by Agent Katherine Spice
staff writer
Earlier this week Behrend student
Gil Jordan was apprehended by FBI
agents from tne Pittsburgh field of
fice for conspiracy and plotting
against the life of the president.
It all started on March 8 when the
student traveled to Washington D.C.
with Assistant Professor of Political
Science Dr. Robert Speel and a group
of 10 students. The trip was going
perfectly until the group toured the
White House. The students got a spe
cial behind-the-scenes tour, and ran
across the President. Student Mike
Frawlcy said, “The President was sin
cere and genuine. He was a very nice
Apparently Gil didn’t feel that way.
The freshman started yelling at the
president for not “Keepin’ it real!”
and not treating women right.
The secret service quickly pulled
Gil aside and told him that if there
were any more problems that he
>eing taken into custody (file photo)
would be in severe trouble. After that
they let him go, giving him one more
warning
Gil didn’t take the warnings to
heart. After the students returned
from Washington, Gil started preach
ing about his “Keepin’ it real” reli
gion to anyone who would listen. He
could be found in Bruno’s on Mon
days and in Dobbins during lunch
hours giving his sermons. The stu
dents were listening.
On March 25, Gil led approxi
mately 50 students to an underground
dojo in Lawrence Hall. The group
started making secret plans to travel
back to Washington to kidnap the
president and “Release the demons in
his head.” The students made their
plans while recruiting more students
during Gil’s sermons. Gil obviously
didn’t know how to stay out of
trouble, because on March 27 the FBI
stormed Lawrence Hall searching for
Gil.
FBI Agents Mcully and Sulder led
the raid and discovered not one, but
riots
10 underground dojos all starting in
the laundry room behind an incon
spicuous broken dryer. All the dojos
led to Gil’s room. “We will fight the
' demons that possess the President.
) We will be victorious! ” Gil screamed
as the agents led him to the Police and
Safety Durango to be taken to Pitts
burgh for interrogation. Apparently
Gil’s faithful followers didn’t believe
in him as much as he thought. All 50
students have denied have any asso
ciation with Gil.
Will Jordan, Editor in Chief of the
Beacon and Gil’s brother, has been
quoted as saying, “Its all very sad, but
we still love Gil. We could see it com
ing though. He was prophesying
about demons and Democrats from a
very young age.”
Agents Mcully and Sulder have
told The Beacon that Gil will be held
on a zillion dollar bail. Gil used his
one phone call to the Beacon to tell
us that he will prevail. “I will be vic
torious. My followers will save me. I
have seen the truth.”