Dan returns to he
by Daniel D. Ester
Collegian Staff
Welcome back, readers! For
those of you who don't know me,
my name is Dan. My major is
Math (gasp!) and I am on the
seven-year plan (this is my 10th
or I 1 th semester; they are all a
blur). For those of you who are
much more demanding in your
tendency to become offended, I
will try not to let you down.
I would like to begin by
attempting to cater my column to
readers' needs. It occurs to me
there are four categories of people
who might be reading this:
I) Returning Students. This
category includes (hut is not
limited to) students who are
definitely not new to the college
scene. This would he current
Behrend victims and those who
were stupid enough to transfer
here. You know you might be in
this category if you can drink a
six-pack and STILL fit an entire
by John Amorose
Collegian Staff
"All apartments are non
smoking." This note found at the
bottom of apartment housing
contracts finalizes what was just
a horrible rumor last year. This
policy of a completely non
smoking campus becomes law
next semester; smoking will no
longer he allowed in the dorms,
suites, or all apartments,
regardless of how the residents of
these establishments feel.. As
good of an idea as this sounds,
the problems caused will surely
outweigh the problems solved.
To start off with, our beautiful,
and often publicized campus
landscape will • be , littered -with
cigarette butts and ,empty
cigarette packii. Not to mention
Women At Work
b Tamara Jones
Questionable ethics. For years,
we've heard the term applied to
politicians, corporate executives,
movie moguls, and even to members
of the healing arts who may forget
the first line of their sacred oath,
"First do no harm." Now, the term is
being applied to job seekers. Ap
parently, the downsizing syndrome
currently infecting the policies of our
major corporations has inspired
many current and potential job
hunters to inflate their resumes to
make themselves look more valuable
to future employers who, they hope,
will take them on as full-time
employees.
James E. Challenger, president of
Challenger, Gray & Christmas, Inc.,
an international outplacement firm,
says, "Downsizing has had a tremen
dous psychological effect on the job
market. Many people suffer a loss of
confidence and self-esteem after
being discharged, and believe the
only way to impress an employer is
to appear super-qualified..."
Challenger notes that employers
are taking more time to check
resumes and call references. So, it's
more likely that if you fibbed a little
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semester's notes on a piece of
paper the size of a square of toilet
paper.
2) New Students. This category
consists of incoming freshman
and those who are still under the
euphoric bliss of being able to
STAY OUT PAST MIDNIGHT
without reporting to their parental
guard units. Indicators of this
group would be students who
don't mind shelling out $3.45 for a
grilled cheese sandwich that has
a little stinkin' piece of ham on
it, and those who walk around all
day with an idiotic welded-on
happy face..
3) Faculty and Staff. Duh, the
perpetrators. These people are
the ones who produce an evil grin
every time they assign homework,
or conspicuously snap greased
rubber gloves onto their hands
when they're about to take your
money.
4) Parents•(or legal guardians)
of Behrend students. These poor
saps are unfortunate enough to be
ease
the droves of angry students,
cigarettes in hand, huddled in
front of every building because
they have no other places to
smoke. Which brings me to
another point: In case you
haven't noticed, it tends to get a
little cold here in Erie. And with
more people standing in the cold,
you have more people sick, and
not just cigarette smokers either.
All those who come in contact
with cigarette smokers could
become sick also. Before you
know it, we're under military
quarantine like on Outbreak, and
students are being shot by gun
wielding helicopter pilots. All
right, maybe the ramifications
won't be that drastic, but it's
mighty hard to concentrate in
class when there's a sniffle or a
cough every second or two.
or told some whoppers on your
resume, you'll be found out.
Challenger cites the four most
common hyped resumes:
1. The "Wizard of Oz Resume," in
which the person claims to be able to
perform duties well, although she or
has little familiarity with them. If the
person is hired, their incompetence
could be revealed in short order,
leading to dismissal;
2. The "Salary Including Tip"
resume used to falsify one's salary
history. To negotiate on a stronger
basis, some job hunters give them
selves a "tip," inflating their salary
level;
3. The "Phantom College Degree,"
used to impress employers. This is an
easily verified factor, and if the per
son has lied, it's more likely that she
or he will not be hired; not because
of a lack of a degree, but because of
a lie about it.
4. The "I'm Not As Old As I LDok"
deception. Job searchers who mis
represent their age risk being fired if
the truth comes out. If you have the
skills and enthusiasm an employer is
looking for, you'll have the edge in
being hired regardless of age.
Photography Editor
Colleen Gritzen
Achffirthilng Manger
Tom Keefe
Opinion Editor
Colleen Fromknecht
Office Manager
Crystal Dalian
Advisors
Dr. Ursula Davis
Dr. Rob Speel
stuck with Behrend by association
and will be horrified to read this
column (heh, heh).
Friends, please allow me to
reveal a few helpful hints that
will make your semester at
Behrend a bit less dreadful.
If your instructor has handed out
a syllabus that is longer than two
pages, drop the class
immediately! I have a teacher
who skipped merrily into class the
first day and passed out an eight
(yes, that's 8) page syllabus,
BOTH SIDES. That was a very
bad sign. I am required to take
the class, so there's no hope for
me, but you can still save
yourselves!
If you should get any kind of
parking ticket (whether you were
parked illegally or not), just pay
it. There isn't a damn thing you
can do so just accept it. Pretty
soon Dean Lilly's new car will
be paid off and there won't be as
many tickets given out on
et us Smoke
Finally, good, hardworking
students who happen to smoke
cigarettes could consequently
lose their housing rights if caught
smoking too many times. Is this
the message the governing bodies
want to send to those high school
students interested in attending
our fine institution of learning? It
might sound crazy, but these new
restrictions may also deter some
students from living on campus,
causing a loss of money to the
University.
I can see the University's
reasoning behind these
restrictions. There is damage
caused by cigarettes in the
student's rooms: carpet burns,
ashes all over, that not too
pleasant smell of smoke. But
students are billed after each year
for any and all damage that they
Rep. David Bonior (D-Mich.). His
complaint is that someone in line for
the presidency shouldn't be there if
he's "lied to Congress." May I
remind Rep. Bonior that his boss,
none other than the guy who actually
occupies the presidential seat of
power, lies to Congress and the
American people on a regular basis?
There certainly is a delicious irony
here!
Let's get the facts straight.
Gingrich is NOT accused by the
Ethics Committee of lying. That's
the Democrats' take on this. The
charges are that his college course
was, in fact, political in nature and
that the contributions made to it were
not tax-deductible BECAUSE the
course was political.
Without actually reviewing all the
data, I have to go on record as saying
this, why is it acceptable for college
campuses across the country to vio
late the basics of education and teach
everything with a biased liberal
slant? Why do we accept that it's
okay to teach that Christopher
Columbus was an imperialist bent on
genocide, but we can't mention God
in the classroom? I'm drifting here,
but the point I'm trying to make is,
it's been perfectly okay as long as
educational institutions taught from
a liberal viewpoint. As soon as some
one of Gingrich's stature gives a con
servative spin on something, he's
being "political" in the guise of
education!
As for the Democrats who are
salivating at this, let me point out, the
I THI
TO GO 'l,
DOCTOR._
Eve
I SEE --
campus. The only reasonable
alternative is to rig your car so it
explodes whenever the windshield
wiper is lifted.
If the line at the Registrar's
office is longer than the line at
Space Mountain at Disney, don't
be expecting happy staff to
gleefully strap you into your seat
when you get to the end. Don't
get me wrong, you will most
certainly be taken for a ride!
When the bookstore says you
have until the tenth day of the
semester to return books (which
blatantly ignores the current
federal consumer law of 30 days
from the date of the sale to return
merchandise), they aren't kidding.
Here are some other things to
keep in mind:
If the sign by the soup reads,
"$4.50 a bowl," it is not a typo.
If your instructor looks like a
dictator, it is not a coincidence.
A hangover is most definitely a
valid excuse to miss class!
God is NOT a Penn State fan
might cause, so that problem has
already been solved. Another
problem with allowing smoking is
the obvious fire hazard. But in
the four semesters that 1 have
attended Behrend, there has not
been any type of serious fire
caused by cigarettes. The two
biggest fires last year involved
popcorn burning in a microwave
and a clothes dryer fire in Perry
Hall.
After interviewing several
students, both smokers and non
smokers, several points were
agreed upon. The first is the
proverbial, "If it ain't broke, don't
fix it" mentality. If all who are
living in the room or apartment
are in agreement that smoking
cigarettes is allowed, which the
present rule states, then there is
no reason to force them not to
Speaker has been the subject of 77
different ethics probes. Only one has
turned up even any hint of im
propriety. The other 76 came to
naught.
Compared to President Clinton,
who is still mired in Whitewater, FBI
Filegate, Travelgate, Indogate, Lip
pogate, Paula Jones-Gate, Newt
Gingrich is a choir boy! It's not Newt
Gingrich who accepted illegal
foreign contributions and then had
foreign trade polity tailored to suit
those contributors. It's not Newt
Gingrich who set up a legal defense
fund and then accepted $600,000 in
ILLEGAL contributions. It's not
Newt Gingrich who said (Michael
Cardozo, lawyer for the Clinton
Defense Fund did): "Just because we
received thousands of dollars in in
terest from the illegal $600,000 con
tribution doesn't serve as proof we
accepted that contribution." Come
again? You want to talk about lying?
It isn't Newt Gingrich's cronies, a
la Bernard Nussbaum, former White
House counsel, facing perjury inves
tigations. It isn't Newt Gingrich's
wife who's facing possible indict
ments on the part of an independent
counsel, a la Hillary Clinton.
Trust me. If the Democrats want to
take this particular lamb to the
slaughter, they will have hell to pay.
President Clinton, heretofore given a
relatively easy ride, is going to be
hounded to within an inch of his
political life.
Thursday, January 30, /997 The Behretul College Collegian - Page
(but Satan is)
If you should die in a horrible
burning car accident, it might not
be a valid excuse to miss a test
(check your syllabus). You will
probably be excused if you notify
your instructor ahead of time.
Here are a few words for the
faculty and staff:
If the class is scheduled to end
at 11:50, then that means THE
CLASS ENDS AT 11:50! Not
11:52, not 11:55, NOT 11:57,
BUT 11:50! AND NOT A
MOMENT LONGER! We should
not be made to suffer for your
inability to plan your lecture.
Computer Center People, it is
not funny when students are lined
up like cattle, waiting to use one
of the two working machines.
And please don't get irate when
you are pulled away from your
very important work of nerding
around the Internet when someone
needs assistance.
Police and Safety, either your
spouse shrunk your uniform in the
smoke. Another point commonly
raised was the possibility of
creating all smoking sections of
housing (i.e. floors in dorms,
wings in the suites, and quads of
arpartments where everyone
chooses to smoke). This
suggestion seems far-fetched, but
when you consider the fact that
the Life House exists for those
who choose not to smoke, why
not have residences for those who
choose to smoke. But most
importantly, college is supposed
to teach young adults how to
prepare to live in the "real
world;" to train them to he
responsible and independent. But
if such restrictions are being
forced upon students year after
yea,r,.,like the non-smoking rule,
the school is not doing its job.
Students are not being trained to
EDUCATION TODAY
by Teresa Thorne
By now, you've probably heard of
the Oakland, Calif., school board's
decision to declare Black English, or
Ebonies, a second language. In doing
so, the board intends to apply to the
federal government for bilingual
education funds. To that I say, good
luck!
Historically, the government has
not recognized Ebonics as a second
language, nor are black students who
speak it considered bilingual. The
government has contended, thus far,
that Ebonies is merely a slangy form
of English and thus doesn't qualify
for bilingual education funds.
What was the board thinking? Was
this just a venal attempt to get some
more money? Perhaps. However, the
formal reason given is that black
children in this district fare poorly
when compared to whites. Apparent
ly, the board feels it's because of the
lack of understanding of mainstream
English and the black students' use
of their own language."
To back this up, there are some
scholars who offer "proof" that
Ebonics is, indeed, a language, citing
its roots in Africa. However, let's
face it. Its major component is still
English, no matter how you look at
it. In fact, some of the vocabulary of
this so-called language is very new,
giving credence to my belief that it's
merely slang and not truly a lan
guage. Slang is simply something
which evolves from the use of collo
quialisms which become incor
porated into our everyday use of
language.
Naturally, if you consider the black
students' slang as a separate lan
guage and will recognize it in the
classroom as technically correct,
their grades are bound to improve.
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wash, or you've had quite a
festive Holiday Season! (I am
just kidding, of course. You are
all very attractive with hot, sexy
bodies. Please don't send me to
Western Penitentiary for Written
Assault).
For the parents and guardians,
please be informed: Your
children WILL he out until dawn,
drinking and having unprotected
relations. Your kids WILL fail
something, but they'll have a
damn good time doing so! But
you have nothing to fear since
rehab clinics accept most major
insurance.
In closing, I wish you all luck,
and I leave you with this word of
wisdom: When you go to the
business office to pay your bill,
DO NOT bend over!
Please sencl comments or hate
mail to Dannsßovtiverie.net
live their lives, hut being molded
into living the lives Penn State
thinks they should live, and that's
a travesty.
To any faculty member or
person of authority that may he
reading this article, I leave you
with this plea:
Please, from the bottom of our
nicotine stained, tar and resin
covered, cancer infested lungs,
let us smoke in our homes (which
is what our housing is eight
months of the year!). For once,
let us make our own decisions
about how to live our lives.
We've had parents and
boyfriends/girlfriends making
these decision for us long enough.
Let us smoke.
However, let's face facts here.
What's going on is, these students
are not being brought UP to the level
of current standards. Instead, the
standards are being brought DOWN
to their level. This is unacceptable in
my view.
Declaring Ebonics a language is
doing these lower-achieving stu
dents a disservice. They will enter
institutions of higher learning (if
they're lucky) ill equipped and ill
educated. When they go for a job
interview, if they can't communicate
in mainstream English and can't read
a basic job application, they won't
become employed, productive
citizens. Whom do we blame then?
The debate over Ebonics is sure to
rage for some time to come. It's been
all over the news and all sorts of
people are weighing in about it. Let's
just hope for the sake of those stu
dents directly affected by this
decision, common sense prevails and
other remedies are sought to help
these students become better
achievers. Declaring slang a lan
guage just isn't it!
As someone who grew up in a truly
bilingual household, I'm grateful
that English was demanded of me in
school. I could speak whatever I
wanted at home. However, if I
wanted to communicate with the rest
of the population, English had to be
it!
Share your views with us. Send
them to Education Today, King Fea
tures Weekly Service, 235 East 45th
Street, New York, N.Y. 10017.
Manuscripts must be no more than
520 words and will not be returned.
There is no remuneration for this.
We simply solicit your opinions.
01997 by King Feature. Synd.
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