Thursday, March 28, 1996
Get realistic
by Nikki Gennuso
Collegian Staff
January 8, 1996 - seven of my
friends and I pull an all nighter to
get housing in the suites next
fall. We stayed up all night and
got in line at 4:00. Yes, this
sounds a tad bit drastic, but the
scary part about it is there was
already a line when we got there.
What is going on with housing
here at Behrend?
Recently, I have heard a lot of
complaints concerning the
housing on this campus. rd
personally like to know what the
deal is.
Being a freshman, I consider
myself pretty lucky to get
housing, especially after I found
out about the number of
freshman who have to live off
campus. I expected that I would
have guaranteed housing for next
semester also, but I was wrong.
If I hadn't stayed up all night and
gotten in line at such an obscene
hour, I • would probably still be
Gettin
Why can't he express himself?
By Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski
College Press Service
Dear Judith and Jim,
Although my relationship is
really pretty good, I get frustrated
because he won't admit to his
feelings. What we have is fine but it
could be so much more meaningful.
H.L. Tallahassee, Florida
Dear H.L.,
On the surface, your situation
seems like a simple one. All you
have to do is get him to open up and
more depth would immediately
become available. In theory, that's
true, and it would true if all that's
required is an act of will, a choice, a
decision -- just make it and what's
inside comes easily out. But, there's
more to opening up than most
people realize.
There is a myth about feelings,
prevalent in our culture, that creates
vast confusion and leaves in its wake
a lot of unnecessary damage.
Far too many people believe that
just because somebody feels
something there should be no
problem articulating it. So, when
they encounter someone who isn't
emotionally expressive, they
unthinkingly assume that person
must be withholding, or is being
manipulative, or has a closed heart,
or is in some way intentionally
ungiving. And, this goes for both
women and men.
From the tone• of your note, you
don't seem to be caught up in
suspicion. Nevertheless, as a caution,
we ask you (and anyone for whom
this rings true) to check yourself out.
Housing is a nightmare
stuck in the dorms next semester,
for all I know I still might be. I
can't complain though; I got
campus housing when many of
my friends who have it now
didn't.
What I would like to know is,
what is the problem?
We had a week to fill out our
housing cards and get them into
Housing and Food Services. We
were led to believe that as long as
we got the cards in within the
week, that we were guaranteed
housing for fall '96. However,
some of my friends are finding
out that even though they lived
on campus this semester and
turned their cad in within a
week, they didn't get housing.
Many students are having to
look for alternatives in colleges
simply because they cannot get
housing. This is ridiculous, not
to mention detrimental to the
university. One friend in high
school was seriously looking at
Behrend as her choice for colletze.
ether:
Do you believe that the man you're
with is willfully holding back? Are
you feeling manipulated? If not,
what do you think is going on? Have
you talked with him about this?
Because of the myth, most people
don't realize that emotional
awareness is a skill. They believe "It
should just happen." But, emotional
sensitivity, articulation and
expression must be learned and
practiced to understand and reveal
what's going on inside.
How skilled is the guy you're with?
How skilled are you? This is
important because many people
ignore their own limitations. Even
more importantly, how emotionally
skilled are you together?
If he were to express his feelings,
how prepared are you to receive who
he is inside? Of course, you. can't
really know that until he does. But,
are you prepared for his anger, fear,
confusion, uncertainty? Are you
prepared for his feeling lost and
needing you to be the strong,
directive one? What about those
times when he will disagree with you,
or even dislike you?
Many women back away when
their men open up. When they say --
"I want him to express his feelings" -
- what they really want is only those
feelings that are romantic, adoring,
caretaking, strong, sexy. Too often,
their fantasy about his "opening up"
doesn't include the challenges,
disappointments and differences that
every real relationship brings.
Another part of the myth assumes
that if someone is emotionally
expressive then depth and meaning
will follow automatically. Quite the
contrary. Surely, you've known
someone who was always talking
about their feelings, but without any
sense of depth or even connection.
Opinion
She didn't want to attend U.P.
because it was too big; but when
she leceived a notice in the mail
saying that there was no housing
for her at Behrend in the fall, she
had to decide to attend another
college.
Unfortunately, the loss was not
only her's, but Behrend's,
considering she is an excellent
soccer player who would have
been more than just an asset to
the girl's team.
As for the new dorm being
built, would like to know why
it was not built last year when it
is needed.
There needs to be a system
implemented in the housing
policy which gives housing by
seniority. The system they have
now is obviously not working,
and it's losing students for
Etehirnd
Let's get realistic about the
problem, stop talking about it,
and start building some new
housing.
Depth requires character, and
meaning is not something that's just
out there in the ozone waiting to
appear. Meaning is co-created. The
meanings that will emerge from your
relationship will result from the
effort and commitment you both
give to one another and will reflect
the mutuality and the unique quality
of who you are together.
For example, as part of our
wedding vows, which we wrote, we
included the promise that, in times of
conflict, "Neither one of us will leave
the room." By that we mean we will
...you both must
before whatever
not dismiss, ignore, "forget" or in
any way shove conflicts under the
rug. We will hang in with each other
until we reach a resolution that
satisfies both of us. That can take a
be satisfied
resolution you
reach is going
to work.
LIM. VIE 60 AA,
day, a week, in one case it took us
almost two years. The payoff is that
neither one of us ever feels
shortchanged. Just the opposite, we
both feel larger, creating the
relationship that honors
and supports who we really are,
individually and together.
Remember, women and men are
socialized in very different ways.
Men are raised to not feel, or, rather,
to focus on what's around them and
ignore stuff, disregard what's going
on inside. Because feelings are not
supposed to be a man's stock in
trade, many men won't admit to
them. But, even under the pressure
of macho stereotypes and cliches,
men are very feeling creatures.
We suggest you ask him what
would make it comfortable for him
to talk about his feelings with you.
Find out if he feels safe with you.
Can he trust you with his
vulnerabilities, his wounds, even his
joy? Do not give up your need to
know him better. But, remember,
you both must be satisfied before
whatever resolution you reach is
going to work.
Husband and wife team, Judith
Sherven, Ph.D. and James
Sniechowski, Ph.D., are
internationally recognized gender
and relationship experts. Send your
questions or comments to them at
12021 Wilshire Blvd. #692, Los
Angeles, CA 90025 or e-mail
address: ShervSniec@ A OL.com .
They will respond either in "Getting
Together" or by return mail. You
can learn more about them and
download a free article from their
World Wide Web Home Page:
http://w w w3.i m an. com/M agi c_O f_ Di f
ferences/
(c) 1996 Tribune Media Services
All rights reserved.
Pa r