Thursday, April 13 , 1995
Ito uncovered:
Play by play at the trial of the century
TRANSCRIPT, TRIAL OF THE
CENTURY, DAY 257
BAILIFF: Hear ye, hear ye, the court is
now in secs...
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor.
JUDGE: To what?
DEFENSE: Nothing, your honor.
We're just warming up.
PROSECUTION: Your honor, the
people would like to state that we also
have no objections at this time.
DEFENSE: Objection, you honor.
Every time the defense says something,
the prosecution always feels it has to say
something.
PROSECUTION: The people do not.
DEFENSE: Do too.
PROSECUTION: Do not.
DEFENSE: Do too.
DEFENDANT: Ok, stop, I confess!
I'm guilty!
JUDGE (sternly): Order in the court!
(To prosecution): Proceed.
PROSECUTION: Where were we?
JUDGE (checking his notes): You were
on "Do not."
PROSECUTION: Oh, right, thanks
Do not.
DEFENSE: Your honor, the
prosecution is clearly jealous of the
defense because we have a lot of marquee
legal talent such as F. Lee Bailey and the
late Raymond Burr.
PROSECUTION: Objection, your
honor. The people have reason to believe
that that is not really F. Lee Bailey.
(A murmur runs through the
courtroom.)
JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! I ordered the
murmurs removed from this courtroom!
BAILIFF (drawing his gun): We'll take
care of it, sir.
PROSECUTION: Your honor, if that
Co-Sponsored Requests
1. CC/RASO—Coffee and Donuts
2. CC/RASO— Newsletter
3. HRPCANomen Today Speaker
4. SPC/JRC/CC— JeHo Wrestling
5. SPCIJRC/CC— Orientation Movie
8. SPC/JRC— Speaker
7. MCCNets Office— Easter Egg Hunt
8. MCC/Tngort— Ally Day
9. MCC/Women Today— Take Back The Night
10 MCC— Office Supplies
11. IFC/PHC— Beach Party
12. Psi Chi/H&SS—Speaker
13 Psi Chi/Psychology Club—Trip
14 SPC/RASO —Family Movie
5. SGA/SPC/CC —Computer Equipment
4 5 SPClMatchbox Players -- Black History Programming
• 7 SPC,'MCC-- Morgan Hentage
• 9 SPC,Trigon
SPC,Tngon -- comedian
Individual Budget Requests
1. Accounting Club
2. Alpha Phi Omega
3. Asian Student Organization
4. Association of Black Collegians
5. Astronomy Club
6. BACCHUS
6. Bshrend Coles* Conserv.Ow
7 . eiokitlY agb
6. CheMailly Club
9. Cheartsedare
10. COMA
ti. Communallobs Club
12. CommillsrOmiSil
13. Campuw Pub
IS F. Lee Bailey, how come he hardly ever
SAYS anything? He just sits there, day
after day, not moving. The people request
permission to stick him with a pin.
JUDGE: I'll allow it.
F. LEE BAILEY: ssssssssssssss
JUDGE: Let the record show that "F,
Lee
wearing a $l,OOO suit.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor
That suit cost $1,500.
JUDGE WAPNER: Do you have a
receipt?.
DEFENSE: Objection! This judge is
from a completely different TV show!
JUDGE: I'll sustain the objection.
DEFENSE: Which one?
JUDGE: I have no idea. Let's proceed
with the expert witness.
PROSECUTION (to witness): Please
state your name and the size of your book
advance.
EXPERT WITNESS: My name is Dr
Pembrick A. Femur, and my advance is
$350,000.
1995-96 a - •iiii-i•-•
._
Budget Allocations
Requested
$BBO.OO
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$635.80
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$l.BOO 00
3600 00
52.000 00
518.907.40
$506.00
$348.00
$4290.98
$9.805.00
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$4.32e.00
5041.00
5316.00
$ 2 75
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sizioAle
$5.7116.00
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PROSECUTION: And who will be
playing you in the movie version?
EXPERT WITNESS: We are thinking
Brad Pitt.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor.
We were thinking of Brad Pitt to play us
PROSECUTION: Brad Pitt? YOU?
Your honor, the people request permission
to laugh until little snot bubbles form in
the people's nostrils.
DEFENDANT: I'll sign a full
confession, OK?
DEFENSE (sarcastically): And we
suppose the prosecution wishes to be
played by Demi Moore?
PROSECUTION: Sharon Stone.
JUDGE: I'll allow it. Proceed.
PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, you are
an expert, are you rat?
EXPERT WITNESS: I am.
PROSECUTION: And do you think
the people's hairstyle looks better this
way, or the way the people wore it before?
EXPERT WITNESS: This way.
JUDGE: What about my beard?
EXPERT WITNESS: With all due
respect, your honor, I have seen more
impressive facial hair on a coconut.
(Laughter.)
JUDGE (angrily): Bailiff! Where is
that laughter coming from?
BAILIFF: From inside a set of
parentheses.
JUDGE: I'll allow it. Continue.
PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, I am
handing you Exhibit No. 2038-B. Can
you identify this item for the court?
EXPERT WITNESS (examining it):
Yes. That is a DNA molecule belonging
to the defendant.
DEFENSE: Objection! We can't see
the exhibit!
PROSECUTION: Of COURSE you
Delta Sigma Pi
Eco-Action
Graduate Student Association
History Club
HRPC
lEEE
IFC
IVCF
JRC
Lion Ambassadors
Martial Arts Club
Matchbox Players
'Mechanical Engineenng Club
MIS Club
MCC
Music Society
NSBE
Newman Association
OLAS
PHC
Plastics Engineenng Club
Psi Cho
Psychology Club
Radio Club
RASO
Rifle Club
Roundtable Society
Society of Automotive Engineers
SHRM
Recxxnmen(
$440.00
$982.00
$400.00
$O.OO
$311.00
$400.00
$568.00
$164.00
$134.00
$170.00
$262.00
$175.00
$364.00
$300.00
$600.00
$990.00
3900.00
S6OO CO
S 1 000 CO
$8.760.00
$105.00
$O.OO
Society of Physics Stuaents
SGA
SPC
Tempus
Trigon
Women Today
$327.00
$2,320.00
$235.00
SO.OO
$51.00
549.00
$105.00'
. 00
$11,000 10 .00
160.00
6140.00
111.6.00
TOISI Amount Roquostoct 19115-191111
can't, you idiot. It's a MOLECUL...
EXPERT WITNESS: Or a poppy seed
There's a 73 percent chance either way.
PROSECUTION: Now Dr. Femur,
could you please tell the court, in your
own expert words, what "DNA" stands
for?
EXPERT WITNESS: Yes.
PROSECUTION: I see. Now Dr.
Femur, could you please tell the jury, as
an expert, whether the defendant could
have left this DNA molecule or poppy
seed at the scene of the ...
EXPERT WITNESS: Tell WHAT
jury?
JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! The jury
escaped again!
(Another murmur runs through the
court.)
GUN: BANG!
BAILIFF: I got the murmur, your
honor!
DEFENSE: Objection! The bailiff
shot a reporter for The National Enquirer
JUDGE: I'll allow it.
PROSECUTION: Your honor, while
we're waiting for the authorities to track
the jury down, the people request your
honor's permission to ask the witness
approximately 850 unbelievably redundant
questions.
JUDGE: Of course.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. As
counsel for the defendant, we cannot ...
JUDGE: Hey! Where's the defendant?
by Dave Barry
Syndicated Columnist
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3207 CO
3558.00
317.941.34
525.388.50
$BOO.OO
51.33? 50
$2.089.00
132.008.62
150.916.02
Page 5
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30.00
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325.1:0
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563.339.00