S nu% rt4 . 5 l A. 2. 4 2.Q.1 i f& Anali arlynulVT
ic****************************************************************************
Jane Insincere's
Barren
underwires
Attention to all Tony
Elliot's former students,
who are still attending
Behrend, are still required to
see this semester's
performance of the Imaginary
Cockold and and write a
review to be graded. Call the
Office of Student Activities
for more information.
Notice: the Toronto trip
has been cancelled, in
place of the trip to downtown
Toronto an alternative trip to
downtown Harborcreek will
be offered with sights to their
only blinking light. Since,
travelers will not be able to
see the performance of
Phantom of the Opera, the
seventh grade Harborcreek
performance of Little Mary
Sunshine will be shown
instead. Call the SGA office
for more information.
In consideration of the hard
working seniors hem at
Behrend, Dean Lilly is
offering Kamikazee's with
the Provost every day
through the month of April to
help any graduation gitters.
Call the Office of Student
Activities for more
information.
The Learning Assistance
Center will be offering free
tutoring sessions to all Barren
students on Mixed drinks
in the nineties. Students
will learn how to mix their
own drinks and throw wild
parties in a quiet done room.
This workshop is tutored by
Peter Gzinya. For more
information call the Office of
Student Activities.
The Career Developmen
Center is offering a
workshop series for the
month of April on how to get
a good job at any of the
numerous prestigous
resturants in Harborcreek on
Buffalo Rd. including Coney
Island in Wesleyville. For
more information call the
Office of Student Activities.
The Health and Wellness
Center is offering free
samples of drugs and
alcohol to those students
who have shown up more
than six times to the Center
during the month of March.
A fifth of wiskey will given
as first prize to the student
with the highest attendance
record at the Center for this
semester. Call the SGA
office for more information
Do you have poor grades,
a high tolerance for drugs and
alcohol, a bad attitude,
involved in no extra curricular
activities, and on the five year
plus plain? Then stop in at
the Glenhill Fann House to
sign up for the Lazy Ass
Scholarship. , Call the SGA
office for mote information.
STPLEN FROM ARABY %ff
the hell is he still babblin
VASE
What
By Queequeg
pequati staff
I lost track of time in deep
sleep slated for time in cheap
death and worry over how the
loss of time is grated with deep
rooted in sleep slap happy
monkey hours cry in willows of
guilt.
Give me the bean bag Mr.
Jones and I won't make you cry
before you have too. The boat is
sunk uptight down in greasy
spools of thread film on Lake
Erie. Danielle Murphy's law
fake blue eyes and pulled space of
memory.
Gump is not worth it society's
downfall crypts of old men in
faded fashions gathered in well-lit
bars happy hour at the park place
is great millenium falcon is
being chased by boba felt why
didn't he die
Elvis live
•
I YO • • 4 •
>ir• a •• O
A. • , •
•
it
_ -
After a long, drawn out investigation, the staff at The Behrend
College Collision has found proof that Elvis Presley is still alive.
Following several leads, our ace reporter, Imma Bigfan, headed to the
Office of Student Activities. There Imma found the Director of Student
Activities, disrobed in his office, and to her surprise, when he rimed
around in shock, he was really Elvis. •
The King has been working undercover here at Behrend for the last 5
Years.
So if you want to touch a piece of history, or just say 'hi' to the man
that made Blue Suede shoes a fashion statement, stop by the Office and
drop into Chris Rizzo's (A.K.A. Elvis Presley) office.. He'd be happy
to make your acquaintance.
Pit of the beast being choked
by metal and steel vomitting
lashes of pitying smiles laugh at
waste and cry at conservation
we're all dead tomorrow there are
no answers.
It went down the drain of
passion I don't care she don't
care. Burroughs laughs when we
surf on dirty tampaxs in the
stream of sewage. Wasted
education. I really hate wasting
time. Collision with a frieght
train of semen. Uncensored.
Bite me.
You can't hold me down with
your cheap duct tape and your
cheap van with nicotine stained
windows. Dr. George told me to
write freestyle with a skateboard
in one hand and a bottle of Mad
Dog in the other. Lost hope in
either one. I can't ride for shit.
Cheap drunk babble is
Ginsberg's "America" I saw the
Behrend
'ye lb - 0
alb •
„W- . 0
Donl ask us the news editor is on one of his kicks. Usually he's
good, but when he gets in these moods. Leave him alone.
white whale that lost it in the
swirling mass that left in the
porcelain drain Ahab one leg hop
do the twist in "Pulp Fiction"
Uma is sexy. I don't care for
Oconth.
Letterman's stupid pet tricks,
choke a beagel and watch its
bulging eyes bulge a little more
can't breath can't see can't
"Howl"
Penn State Behrend I've given
you all and now I'm nothing.
Penn State Behrend $2400
March 28,1995
Penn State Behrend I can't read
can't sleep, can't eat, I'm strung
out on ephidrene trying to write a
thesis I can't comprehend to date
no less than a god
wielding swords of on the mad
and "Native Son"
"Pa strike the sun if it insulted
me."
Generation•X Mots bother me
continued from page 1...
bleeding to death in a cheap
plastic chair in the waiting room.
The forms were unfinished.
Al. Gore was set to be sworn in
today, but Hillary . has filed a
formal complaint with the
fashion police stating, "Anybody
who dresses like Gore should not
be President. Hell, he didn't even
get a hundred dollar hair cut like
me. I should be President; I was
the one running the country
anyway. Bill was just a front."
The American people were
shocked by the news that Hillary
ran the country using Bill for a
puppet, but agreed that Gore
could use a fashion consultant.
The popular talk show host,
Rush Limberg, said about the
whole thing, "Oh great, now
Tipper will run the country."
Students here at Behrend partied
openly in the streets as the news
broke on campus. A student who
didn't want his name revealed ran
up and down the campus
shoutin 1, "Ding Don the witch
This is ONLY
aJOKE• ••
. •
• •
Everything contained within this issue is
purely ficticous. Nothing is true or factual.
• All persons represented are purely
• .
.coinddenfal. •
If you are offendedwrite to' us we might
even prinflt.
We hope you enjoy thittand*.cOmmentO are welcome.
about????
and so does the pizza in the
Gorge I hate the smell of barley
but only before the fast one
Behrend I don't laugh any more
Police and Safety ticketed me in
Dobbins lot
I nearly got towed I lost the
game of marbles and I failed the
hourglass
Forced air *discretion fabled
lands with green fields field of
gold stung with radiant butterflies
Sing a song of myself and
yourself and of themselves and
let's all be friends
I don't need anymore enemies
the armies are out as it is and I
don't care for text books
James Joyce has killed me and
don't understand his religion his
focus but I can feel the pages in
my hand crispy as they turn like
sandpaper made of razors slicing
my fingers into phrases.
is dead." When asked who he
meant, he said, "Hillary's going
back to Hickdom."
Hillary has made no plans to
move out of the white house.
She said in a press release this
morning, "They'll have to drag
me out of here." Later this
afternoon, the CIA was seen
dragging a screaming woman out
of the white house and into a car.
It was believed to be Hillary. It
was also believed that she was
drowned in the Ohio river hie an
unwanted puppy.
Gore was seen laughing as the
car pulled away. In a press release
by Gore, he said, "Next week, on
the advice of my wife, Rock and
Roll music will be outlawed."
The Congress will fight the
outlawing of all music, except
Rap. Republican Arlene Specter
was seen running up and down
the halls of Congress shouting.
"Ding Dong the witch is dead."
She has also been sited running
nude across the White House
lawn.