The Barren College
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Dobbins donating sawce to commitity blood blank
by Carry D. Out
Ccilimn Staff
Coordinators of Dobbins
Dining Hall announced with
heavy hearts this week that they
will no longer offer Milano sauce
as a feature of their well r rounded
menu.
Apparently the cost of this
high-priced delicacy has risen
dramatically, forcing Behrend
officials to take immediate action
and explore other, cheaper sauces.
"I wrestled with the alternative
for weeks. Having the inside
scoop, I was able to weigh all the
possible options before releasing
this dismal news to our students.
But the situation was really out
of control. Kids, I'm sorry,"
admitted a high-level manager at
Dobbins, who, fearing student
riots and mob activity, asked to
remain anonymous.
Increasing demand for the
wonder sauce prompted its
manufacturers to hike their
prices, resulting in mass
confusion and chaos at Penn
State campuses across the state.
Sources at the nation's main
Milano manufacturing and
distribution plant, located in
Little Italy outside of Cleveland,
confirm that producers want to
seize upon their Milano
monopoly and expand the market
with a variety of new foods, such
as "Milano Surprise" and
"Milano-Pops."
Unconfirmed reports rumor that
the Milano makers may also be
negotiating a deal with NASA, in
which their sauce would be sold
to the government as a
combination astronaut
food/rocket fuel component
The seriousness of the
situation is summed up by the
words of an • of the
Admissions Office, who also
asked to remain nameless. "The
college was forced to make a
decision. We knew we had to
either lose the Milano or raise
tuition. We went with what we
perceived as the lesser of two
evils."
So what does this mean for
you, the student? How will this
dietary dilemma affect your eating
habits here at Behrend? To
understate the obvious, the food
just won't taste the same. Since
Milano sauce was the backbone
of our foods department, adding a
distinctive flair to the pizza,
stromboli, sloppy joes, beef
stew, stuffed shells, lasagna,
tacos, breakfast foods, countless
desserts, and dozens of other
dishes, Penn State Behrend will
have to resort to the use of lesser
known and less appealing sauces.
At this time -of dietary
depression and meal-time
mystery, I suggest that we stand
firm and take it like men. Sure,
it will be an emotional roller
coaster as we wake up each day
with the promise of a mouth
watering bowlful of Milano
heaped upon our food. We can
only hope and pray that our
trustworthy administrators will
find an adequate substitute for our
beloved Milano, which is now
little more than a memory for
thousands of disillusioned and
victimized students.
Like children who awake on
Christmas morning with a rush
of excited anticipation only to
discover that Santa forgot about
them, we, too, have been
forgotten by the Milano makers,
who have discarded the "little
people" like us who have made
Milano the great sauce that it is
today.
A Housing and Food Service official drains a bucket of Milano juice into a larger
container. The boarded official, who wished to remain anonymous, said that the
Jules/sauce would he used for governmental purposes and that it had nothing to
do with Monies gas problem.
In other not so important news that noone really cares about , especially me
by Iva Jamison
Col/lion Stqf
The death of President Clinton
on Wednesday was a great
tragedy. He was struck down in
the prime of his life by a lone
gunman shooting across the
white house lawn.. President
Clinton was hit in the temple,
and the bullet exited the back of
his heal.
When shot, Clinton stood
waiting to board Airforce One.
There was a delay in boarding the
airplane, so he watched from the
a beer. This
gave the gunman the opportunity
he had been waiting for. A
bystander reported seeing the
gunman pull a 30-06 rifle from
under a trench coat. He then
proceeded to shoot the president.
He was last seen running down
Pennsylvania avenue waving the
rifle. Later, we found out that
the delay was for Doritos. There
were not enough Doritos on
board for the President.
The President was rushed to
Walter Reed Medical Center were
he was made to wait three hours
while filling out insurance forms.
ji,.4 20 2001
This Is a composite drawing
of the suspected killer. If anyone
has any information on his identity
please tell him. He seems to have
forgotten.
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