Thursday, December 1,1994
If you’re going to dance the dance
you have to pay the piper
by Alicia Hartaiaa
Co+dkor
Today is Worid AIDS Day and
tonight Jason Stuart, AIDS
activist, actor and mnicdinii, will
entertain a crowd in the Reed
Lecture Hall. Hie Erie AIDS
quilt wfl! be on display and “And
the Band Played On,” the HBO
original film about AIDS, will
also be shown.
If you remember, three weeks
ago on Nov. 11 Pedro Zamora
from MTV's “The Real Worid"
died. Pedro was supposed to
make a presentation at Behrend
on September 27, but because he
was ill at the time, Judd Winick,
another Real Worlder, came in
his place.
Now time for a quick review
of AIDS. There are three ways
you can get AIDS, the Acquired
Immune Deficiency Syndrome.
One, you can get it from sexual
activity; two, you can get it
from drug use; and three, a
mother can pass it on to her
unborn baby.
People rarely contract AIDS
from blood transfusions anymore
because blood is so thoroughly
by Dave Barry
Syndicated Columnist
I was at an airport, reading a
newspaper, when the world’s
three most boring people sat
down next to me and started
talking as loud as they could
without amplifiers. They were
so boring I took notes on their
conversation. Here’s an actual
excerpt:
FIRST PERSON (pointing to
a big bag): That’s a big bag.
SECOND PERSON: That is
a big bag.
FIRST PERSON: You can
hold a lot in a bag like that.
THIRD PERSON: Francine
has a big bag like that.
FIRST PERSON: Francine
does? Like that?
THIRD PERSON: Yes. It
holds everything. She puts
everything in that bag.
SECOND PERSON: It’s a
big bag.
THIRD PERSON: She says
whatever she has, she just puts
it in that bag and just boom,
closes it up.
FIRST PERSON: Francine
does?
SECOND PERSON: That is
a BIG bag.
I want to stress that this was
not all that they had to say about
the big bag. They could have
gone on for hours if they hadn’t
been interrupted by a major news
development; namely, a person
Well, in response to World
AIDS Day and Pedro’s death,
quite frankly, I ton really tired of
hearing about AIDS.
Let's start with Pedro. Many
famous and important people, all
the way up to and including
President Clinton, made a
statement abbot his death. If
you think about it, the only
reason so much focus was put
on Pedro is because he talked to
young people about AIDS, but
mostly because (I think
anyways) he was a TV star.
The week Pedro died many of
my friends were saying how
upset they were. When I told
them I didn’t care, they acted as
though I should be ashamed of
myself.
The reason I don’t care is
because it is through Pedro’s
own actions that he was afflicted
with the disease (he engaged in
promiscuous sex when he was a
teenager). As far as I’m
concerned, if you’re going to
play the game you better be
prepared to pay the
The only AIDS patients I feel
Bori
walking past pulling a wheeled
suitcase.
This inspired a whole new
train of thought: (“There’s one
of those suitcases with those
wheels.” “Where?” “There, you
just roll it along.” “John
does?”)
And so on. It occurred to me
that a possible explanation for
some plane crashes might be
that people like these were
sitting close enough to the
cockpit for the flight crew to
hear them talk (“There’s a
cloud.” “Look, there’s another
...”) and eventually the pilot
deliberately flies into the ground
to make them shut up.
The thing is, these people
clearly didn’t know they were
boring. Boring people never do.
In fact, no offense, even YOU
could be boring. Ask yourself:
When you talk to people, do
they tend to make vague excuses
-“Sony! Got to run!” - and then
walk briskly away? Does this
happen even if you are in an
elevator?
But even if people listen to
you with what appears to be
great interest, that doesn’t mean
you’re not boring. They could
be pretending.
When Prince Charles speaks,
everybody pretends to be
fascinated, even though he has
never said anything interesting
expect in that intercepted
telephone conversation, wherein
he expressed the desire to be a
any sympathy for are those who
are afflicted through blood
transfusions and infants;
basically anyone who pis AIDS
through any means but their
own actions. As for everyone
use drugs, and if they get AIDS
it’s their own fault.
My aunt has a brother who
acquired AIDS from using drugs
ng people
feminine hygiene product
And even if you’re not Prince
Charles, people might have to
pretend you’re interesting
because they want to sell you
something, or have intimate
carnal knowledge of you, or
because you hold some power
over them.
At one time I was a co
investor in a small, aging
apartment building with
plumbing and electrical systems
that were brought over on the
Mayflower.
My partner and I were
regularly visited by the building
inspector, who had the power to
write us up for numerous minor
building code infractions, which
is why we always pretended to
be fascinated when he told us -
as he ALWAYS did - about the
when he was younger. 1 am
more sensitive to the issue now
that someone in my family has
AIDS, yet it was his own
ignorance that caused him to be
afflicted in die first place. And I
am opposed to feel sorry for
him because he has AIDS? I
don’t think so.
That would be the same as
feeling sooyfor someone who’s
on death row (both he and my
mint’s brother are going to die),
but the reason he’s on death fbw
is because of numerous murders
he's committed (he and my
aunt’s brother did something
illegal and both did so at their
own will).
My friends told me that Pedro
tried to make a difference
through education. Well that’s
just great and I give him credit
for opening up his life to
people, but it doesn’t erase the
fact that if he wouldn’t have
been sexually promiscuous he
wouldn’t have gotten AIDS!
Smell the coffee here, folks.
Let us keep in mind that Pedro
did something many of us would
consider morally wrong, and that
my aunt’s brother did something
time he re-plumbed his house.
His account of this event was
as long as “The Iliad” but with
more soldering.
I’m sure he told this story to
everybody whose building he
ever inspected. He’s probably
still telling it, unless some
building owner finally strangled
him, in which case I bet his wife
never reported that he was
missing.
The point is that you could
easily be unaware that you’re
boring. This is why everybody
should make a conscious effort
to avoid boring topics.
The problem here, of course,
is that not everybody agrees on
what “boring” means.
For example, Person A might
believe that collecting decorative
plates is boring, whereas Person
B might find this a fascinating
hobby. Who’s to say which
person is correct?
I am. Person A is correct.
Plate collecting is boring. In
fact, hobbies of any kind are
boring except to people who
have the same hobby. (This is
also true of religion, although
you will not find me saying so
in print.)
The New Age is boring, and
so are those puzzles in which
you try to locate all the hidden
words. Agriculture is important,
but boring. Likewise foreign
policy. Also, come to think of
it, domestic policy. The fact
that your child made the honor
wrong on moral and legal levels.
What really gets me going is
the fact that our nation puts so
much emphasis and research into
AIDS. What about people who
have Down syndrome and die,
and my grandmother who
struggles ' every day with
multiple sclerosis?
Line my grandmother up
against someone with AIDS, and
most people will care more
about the AIDS patient Why?
I don’t understand.
Unless the AIDS patient
acquired the disease through a
blopd transfusion or is an infant
it is her/his own doing that
she/he is ill. If you don’t want
AIDS, be cautious of your
sexual behavior, don’t use drugs,
and women, if you have it don’t
give it to your children.
There. Simple. See how easy
that is? Now how about
focusing our attention, time and
money on illnesses people have
that aren’t caused by their own
doing, actions and behaviors? .
I am by no means a person
who has no emotions. I am. just
a realist who believes that if
you’re going to play, be prepared
to pay.
roll is boring. Auto racing is
boring except when a car is
going 172 miles per hour upside
down.
Talking about golf is always
boring. (PLAYING golf can be
interesting, but not the part
where you tty to hit the little
ball; only the part where you
drive the cart)
Fishing is boring unless you
catch an actual fish and then it is
disgusting.
Speaking of sports, a big
problem is that men and women
often do not agree on what is
boring.
Men can devote an entire
working week to discussing a
single pass-interference penalty.
Women find this boring, yet can
be fascinated by a four-hour
movie with subtitles wherein the
entire plot consists of a man and
a woman yearning to have, but
never actually having, a
relationship.
Men HATE that. Men can
take maybe 45 seconds of
yearning, and then they want
everybody to get naked.
Followed by a car chase. A
movie called "Naked People in
Car Chases" would do really
well among men.
I have quite a few more points
to make, but I'm sick of this
topic.
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