Thursday, November 17,1994
Feeling guilty
by Matthew D. Cissne
Co+dZor
I am still trying to getover
last week’s gubernatorial
election. ,
I don’t understand how Tom
Ridge could defeat Marie: Singel.
Unfortunately 1 was not
surprised. A travesty was
occurring before my eyes.
The polls showed that Ridge
had a commanding lead and
Singel seemed doomed after he
was "Willie Hortonized” (not that
I am comparing Singel to that
dork Dukakis) by a Ridge ad.
Ridge was able to bend the
truth so effectively that more
people knew Singel as the man
“who lets kilim go free” than as
Pennsylvania’s lieutenant
governor and the man who had
saved as acting governor while
Bob Casey was sick.
I fori never gotten so involved
in an election campaign as I did
with this tme. I think I know
more about Singel and Ridge
than 1 do about Bill “my gut is
growing foster than my qppcoval
rating” Clinton.
I bugged people about going
out to vote and threw in a little
pitch for Singel. On election
day, I even (hove a friend to foe
polls.
Dave gets
by Dave Barry
Syndicated Columnist
Here in the newspaper industry
(official motto: ’Tor Official
Motto, Please Turn To Section
F, Page 37”) we are seriously
worried. Newspaper readership
is declining like crazy. In fact,
there’s a good chance that
nobody is reading this column.
I could write a pornographic sex
scene here and nobody would
notice.
“Oh Dirk,” moaned Camille as
she writhed nakedly on the bed.
“Yes yes yes YES YES YES
YES YESSSSSSSSSS!”
“Wait up!” shouted Dirk,
“I’m still in the bathroom!”
It was not always this way.
There was a time in America
when everyone read newspapers.
Big cities had spunky lads
standing on every street corner
shouting “EXTRA!” because
they wanted to irritate people and
boomboxes had not been
invented yet.
But the point is that in those
days most people read
newspapers whereas today most
people do not. What caused this
change?
One big factor of course is
that people are a lot stupider
than they used to be, although
we here in the newspaper
industry would never say so in
print
Certainly another factor is that
many people now get their news
There is one part of the
election that I ignored. I did not
vote.
Granted, I am registered in New
Jersey and there were no major
races in foe Garden State, but I
am still embarrassed and feel
guilty.
Voter turnout was pretty
pathetic and once again voters 18-
25 seemed to forget that there
was an election.
It makes me kind of sick that
we, the generation who is being
groomed to lead this nation,
continually neglect our right to
vote. We ignore our right to
make a stance and send a message
to politicians that we care about
where our country is going.
I can’t stop thinking about
what Dan Quayle said in his
lecture here at Behrend,
“Participate. We have to have to
have good people in our political
system to improve it, and if you
don’t participate, don’t
complain... You can make a
difference and if it’s hot you, who
is it going to be?”
It is a sad day when the
majority of the population,
myself included, can leant an
important lesson from “Mr.
PotatoeHead.” '
from television. This is
unfortunate. Ido not mean to be
the slightest bit critical of TV
news people who do a superb
job considering that they operate
under severe time constraints and
have foe intellectual depth of
hamsters. But TV news can
only present the “bare bones" of
a story; it takes a newspaper,
with its capability to present
vast amounts of information, to
render the story truly boring.
But if we want to identify the
“root cause” of the decline in
newspaper readership, I believe
we have to point the finger of
blame at foe foolish decision by
many newspapers to stop
running foe comic strip “Henry.”
Remember Henry? The bald boy
who looks like Dwight
Eisenhower? I believe that
readers liked the “Henry” strip
because in times of change and
uncertainty it always had the
same plot:
PANEL ONE: Henry is
walking along foe street. He is
wearing shorts even if it is
winter.
PANEL TWO: Suddenly
Henry spies an object. You can
tell he’s spying it because a
dotted line is going from his
eyeball to the object. Often the
object is a pie cooling on a
windowsill. (Pies are always
cooling on windowsills on foe
planet where Henry lives.)
PANEL THREE: Things get
really wacky as Henry eats the
Favorites for ‘96
by Jeffrey Hart
Syndicated Columnist
The smart money in
Washington has it that the 1996
Republican ticket will be former
General Colin Powell and New
Jersey Governor Christine
Whitman.
Senate Minority Leader Bob
Dole of Kansas is the leading
Republican elected official. But
if he were elected, he would be
older than Reagan was when
inaugurated in 1980.
Next on the Republican team
is Jack Kemp. Kemp has
become an old song. His
fundamental insight—that
cutting taxes and stimulating
growth is the answer to our
problem-is true, but only part
of the truth. He does not seem
to have any ideas on education,
re vers discrimination, criminal
justice or immigration.
After the Clintons' wild
Arkansas rodeo show, the smart
money says that the American
people would like a dose of
stability and predictability. So,
for that matter, would the
important foreign governments
and the world's financial
markets.
Mr. Stability is Richard
Cheney. His judgment is sound
and he never raises his voice. In
down and dirty
PANEL FOUR: The woman
who baked the pie comes to the
window and discovers that -
prepare to roll on the floor - the
pie is gone. The woman is
surprised. You can tell because
exclamation points are shooting
out of her head.
This timeless humor has been
delighting readers for thousands
of years (“Henry” strips have
been found on prehistoric cave
walls), but for some reason
awhile back most newspapers
stopped running the strip and
readership has been in the toilet
ever since. I don’t think it’s a
coincidence.
Whatever the cause, the
readership decline is producing
major underarm dampness here
in the newspaper industry.
We’re especially concerned about
Lynne Cheney, he has a wife
who, unlike Hillary, really
knows something. Her
performance at the National
Endowment for the Humanities
was outstanding.
But Richard Cheney has had a
heart bypass operation. You
can get 10 squads of physicians
to testify that his health is
excellent, but five to ten percent
of the voters won't believe it.
Phil Gramm may have the
highest IQ on the Republican
team, and he has the biggest war
chest: $3 million so far. But'
he is much too regional and also
funny-looking.
Bill Bennett is a national
force. As chairman of the
Humanities Endowment he
fought hard for all the good
things. But he has never been
elected for anything.
Former Delaware Governor
Pete DuPont would be a great
president. He is a man of
intelligence and character. But
you can’t get him from here to
there, and by "there" I mean the
Oval Office. He should have
run for the Senate seat of Joe
"The Plagiarist'' Biden. Even if
he had lost that race he would
have won politically.
Governor Pete Wilson of
California seems poised to pull
off a political Houdini and be re-
the fact that we’re losing young
readers - the so-called
“Generation X” which gets its
name from the fact that it
followed the so-called
“Generation W.” We’re
desperate to attract these readers.
Go to any newspaper today and
you’ll see herds of editors pacing
around, mooing nervously,
trying to think up ways to make
newspapers more relevant to
today’s youth culture. This is
pretty funny if you know
anything about newspaper
editors, foe vast majority of
whom are middle-aged Dockers
wearing white guys who cannot
recognize any song recorded after
“Yellow Submarine.”
But they’re trying. If you read
your newspaper carefully you’ll
notice that you’re seeing fewer
stories with uninviting,
incomprehensible, newspaper-ese
headlines like PANEL NIXES
TRADE PACT and more
punchy, “with-it” headlines
designed to appeal to today’s
young people like PANEL
NIXES TRADE PACT, DUDE.
I applaud this effort and as a
middle-aged Dockers-wearing
white guy I want to do my part
by making my column more
“hep” and appealing to young
people. So I’m going to
conclude by presenting the views
of some students of Daniel
Kennedy’s English class at
Clearfield (Pa.) Area High
School. I recently wrote a
elected over the challenge of the
popular and attractive Kathleen
Brown. But so what? Governor
Wilson will, if re-elected, show
up at the Republican
Convention with his large block
of California delegates. But
does Nevada care? Do
Pennsylvania and New Jersey?
New Jersey is a swing state
with heavy electoral clout, and
Whitman is on a rip as
governor. She is cutting taxes,
cutting the state budget and
actually firing people. New
Jersey goes into the Republican
column. Christine Whitman for
vice president
And so we come to the Big
Enchilada. Let's say that no
candidate comes to the
Republican Convention with
enough delegates to secure the
nomination. Colin Powell
indicated his availability.
At this moment he may be
the most popular and respected
individual in American politics.
The idea of a black general
and a white female governor at
the top of the Republican ticket
is mesmerizing. On paper, at
least, it looks like a 50-state
electoral sweep.
The smart money is on
Powell-Whitman.
column in which I said that
some young people today have
unattractive haircuts and don’t
know who Davy Crockett was.
Mr. Kennedy’s class read this
column and wrote me letters in
response; here are some
unretouched excerpts, which I
am not making up:
- “Maybe one of these days
you should look in the mirror,
Dave. Dave, you need a new
hairstyle, man! You have a
puffeut, Dave.”
- “Without hair I think every
guy in foe world would just die
of imbarresment. I know I
would but I am a girl.”
- “You say that I don’t no any
thing about Davy Crockett.
Well I no that he fought at the
Alamo. He also played in
several movies.”
Let me just say that we in the
newspaper industry totally agree
with you young people on these
points and any other points you
wish to make and if you will
please please PLEASE start
reading the newspaper we’ll be
your best friend, OK? OK?
Young people? Hello?
You’re not even reading this
you little twerps.
“Oh Dirk,” moaned Camille,
“I am overcome by desire at the
sight of your ... your ... What
do you call those?”
“Dockers,” said Dirk.
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