Thursday, Sei
Member 29,1994
t f’' .
by Dave Barry
I have this idea for a new
television series. It would be a
realistic action show, patterned
after the true-life experiences of
my dog, Earnest The name of
the show would be: “Adventure
Dog."
The theme song would go:
"Adventure dog,
Idnda big, kinds strong
Stupid as a log."
Each episode would be about
an exciting true adventure that
happened to Earnest. For
example, here’s the script for an
episode titled: "Adventure Dog
Wakes Up and Goes Outside”:
“It is 6:17 a.m. Adventure
Dog is sleeping in the hall.
Suddenly, she hears a sound.
Her head snaps up. Somebody
is up! Time to swing into
action! Adventure Dog races
down the hall and, skidding on
all four paws, turns into the
bathroom, where, to her total
shock, she finds: The Master!
Whom she has not seen since
LAST NIGHT! YAYYYYYYH
ADVENTURE DOG: Bark!
: yupnf^
Dave's show:
'Adventure
MASTER: DOWN, dammit!
Now Adventure Dog bounds
to the front door, In case the
Master is going to take her
outside. It is a slim chance. He
has only taken her outside for
the past 2,637 consecutive
mornings. But just in case.
Adventure Dog is ready.
ADVENTURE DOG: Bark!
Can it be? Yesl This is
unbelievable! The Master is
coming to the door! Looks like
Adventure Dog is going outside!
YAAAYYY!
MASTER: DOWN, dammit!
Now the Master has opened
the door approximately one inch.
Adventure Dog realizes that, at
this rate, it may take the Master
a full three-tenths of a second to
open the door all the way. This
is bad. He needs help.
Adventure Dog alertly puts ter
nose in the crack and applies
600,00 pounds of force to the
door.
MASTER: HEY!
DOOR: WHAM!
And now Adventure Dog is
through the door, looking left,
looking right, her finely honed
senses absorbing every detail of
remain ineffective. The only
way » Christiania* this campus
is together.
We must trice a stand for
alternative Christian values and
stare dews oar secelar
Htis is a battle for
MfeMMM inSgoals of our
community. We tarns heea set
back for sow, hat a Halted
iiMNlt ta ,«ot
■■'MSdest w
tae
: ''Spsi||t|^^H|?W!!ff!tPPE ; siWHapw^WSSllrri'
of
■itikiiif fiwdtt iif to
heavenly realms” (Blit &I 2).
The best way» defend your
faith is by knowing it Study
' your Bible md know the
tewddhltef die defisedtse of tae
faith, past and present Know
tiwt you wiUbe persecuted for
year friti>,but rejoice in you
persecution. “Rejoice in your
mitering hmqnm you AtK Ut
Christ’s suffering" (I Peter
4:15).
Catholics and Protestants
must cling to their faith
- > ♦'•*,' v y- *.*s*£».“* '- ,
•C%S»SMS > »Oi%;
onHinn
t?iiu § ii y
the environment, every nuance
and subtlety, looking for , . .
Holy smoke! There it is! The
YARD! Right in die exact same
place where it was yesterday!
This is turning out to be an
UNBELIEVABLE adventure!
ADVENTURE DOG: Bark!
jg /aguely
troubled. Some primitive
version of a thought is rattling
around inside her tiny cranium,
like a BB in a tuna fish can. For
she senses that there is
something he wants Adventure
Dog to do. But what on earth
values
Ads corrupt would. We must
meet hate with love, hut we
must never be passive. If die
Christians of today were the
Christians for 2000 years ago
our faith would have been long
since extinguished. We must
never permit the secularists on
this campus to destroy us.
Never question your faith
because it will make you
stronger than any feel-good
ideology will. “Anyone who
choanal to he • friend of the
world becomes an enemy of
God* das, 4:4).
If you consider yourself a
Christian ail; yourself ‘Do I
fellow what I want of what God
wants for me?" If you are a
Christian you will not do what
is good for me or believe what
is popular, but what the Lord
has commanded. Christians
should never allow non
believers to call them narrow
minded because those non
believers bask in their own
ignorance. “The Lord says the
road to damnation is far and
wide and is travelled by many,
but the road to salvation is
Dog'
could it be? Before Adventure
Dog can think of an answer, she
detects ... is this possible?
Yes! It‘s a SMELL! Yikes! Full
Red Alert!
ADVENTURE DOG: Sniff
sniff sniff.
MASTER:
Earnest
ADVENTURE DOG: Sniff
sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff.
MASTER: Will you hurry
UP?
ADVENTURE DOG: Sniff
sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff
sniff.
No question about it. The
evidence is clear. This is a
smell all right. And what’s
more, it’s the smell of this is
so incredible - DOG WEEWEE!
Right here in the yard!
MASTER: EARNEST!
ADVENTURE DOG: Sniff
sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff.
Adventure Dog is getting the
germ of an idea. At first it
seems far-fetched, but the more
she thinks about it, the more she
thinks, hey, why not? The idea
is -- get ready - Adventure Dog
is going to MAKE WEEWEE!
Right now! Outside! It’s crazy
narrow and few find it” (Matt
7:13-14).
Christians must keep fast in
their faith because therein lies
the only truth. St Paul writes,
"Do not deceive yourselves. If
anyone thinks he is wise by the
standards of this age, he should
become a 'fool' so that he may
become wise. Fdr wisdom of
the world is foolishness in the
eyes of the Lord,” (1 Cot. 3:18-
19).
There is no need for
Christian? to be secretive about
then: faith. They must spread
their faith to all as the Lord
commanded. “Go forth make
disciples of ALL NATIONS
baptizing them in the name of
the Father, Son, and Holy
Spirit" (Matt 28:19).
Remember it is always better
to be narrow-minded on the road A
to salvation then broad-minded
and burning in Hell. Be strong
and united and pray for those
who persecute you.
but it just might work!
MASTER: Good GIRL.
What was that? It was a
sound! Definitely. A sound
coming from . . . over there.
Yes! No question about it!
This is unbelievable! It's the
MASTER, out here in the yard!
YAAAYYY!
Come on,
MASTER: DOWN, dammit!
THEME-SONG SINGER:
Adventure Dog, Adventure
ADVENTURE DOG: BARK!
MASTER: DOWN!”
Bear in mind that this is only
one episode. There are many
other possibilities: “Adventure
Dog Gets Fed," “au venture Dog
Goes for a Ride in the Car and
Sees Another Dog and Barks
Real Loud for the Next 116
Miles,” etc. It would be the
kind of family-oriented show
your kids could watch, because
there would be extremely little
sex thanks to an earlier episode,
“Adventure Dog has an
Operation.”
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