Thursday, September 22,1994
Subservient
by Laura Borawski
Newt Editor
We as people have many
tfiffereaces that make us miqn
individuals. We have different
views on tile, various typos of
personalities and an array of
annoying habits.
Through experience I have
come across one of the
commonalities we share. It
envelops everyone in our society,
proving to me to be an
interesting topic of discussion.
Hie odd jobs that may be found
"out there” help many of us to
either touch on financial stability
or provide us with sufficient
funds to maintain a suitable
lifestyle. As with anything in
life, we live and learn to deal
with such employment within
various establishments.
Depending on the circumstances,
we sink or swim and face the
For the third consecutive
summer 1 worked at a restaurant
waiting on tables. I made many
new friends and encountered many
different people in regard to the
customers who dined at my
Friendly 'Customer Service'
by Dave Barry
Syndicated Cohmmut
TODAY'S CONSUMER
TOPIC IS: How to resolve a
dispute with a large company.
If you’re a typical consumer
defined as “a consumer whose
mail consists mainly of offers
for credit cards that he or she
already has” - chances are sooner
of later you’re going to have a
dispute with a large company.
You’re going to call the
company up, and you’re going
to wind up speaking with people
in a department with a friendly
name such as “Customer
Service." These people hate
you.
I don’t mean they hate you
PERSONALLY. They hate the
public in general, because the
public is forever calling them up
to complain.
I know whereof I speak. I
used to be - I am not proud of
this -- a newspaper editor. This
was at a paper in West Chester,
Pa., called I am not proud of
this, either ~ the “Daily Local
News.” We came out daily, and
we specialized in local news.
For example, if Richard M.
Nixon resigned the presidency,
we’d send reporters out to the
shopping mall to badger
randomly selected shoppers into
waikpiace. I learned a lot from
my summer job; especially from
deaitog witfi the public.
The Mtftomek Mall is home to
the fairly new Roadhouse
Restaurant; a country-western
steak house where fun times may
be shared by aB.
Over the summer a majority of
the employees consisted of
college students. We walked as a
team; one unit functioning for
the benefit of one another. All for
one and one for all. (Most of us
did anyway.) Therefore we had no
major difficulties getting along
with each other.
The issue that I found to be
one of the loopholes at the
restaurant dealt with the
customers.
First of all, a fun and friendly
atmosphere designed to keep
everyone happy- even the
employees- was to be maintained.
Secondly, our policy of "100%
guest satisfaction 100% of the
time" was executed rather well.
What ticked the servers off a
tot was the poor percentage of
gratuity left behind from the
folks who ventured to the
Roadhouse for a solid meal.
How to gain their attention
having an opinion about this,
and our big headline would be,
LOCAL RESIDENTS REACT
TO NIXON RESIGNATION.
As though they really were
reacting to it, as opposed to
trying to find the right color
bedsheets. This is basically how
we handled all news (LOCAL
RESIDENTS REACT TO
DISCOVERY THAT CLAMS
MATE FOR LIFE).
So one spring day I made the
editorial decision to put a
photograph of some local ducks
on the front page. At least I
thought they were local ducks,
and that’s what I called diem in
the caption. But it turns out
that they were geese. I know
this because a WHOLE lot of
irate members of the public
called to tell me so. They never
called about, say, the quality of
the schools, but they were
RABID about the duck vs. goose
issue. It was almost as bad as
when we left out the horoscope.
I tried explaining to the callers
that, hey, basically a goose is
just a big duck, but this did not
placate them. Some of them
demanded that we publish a
correction (For whom? The
geese?), and by the end of the
day I was convinced that the
public consisted entirely of
raging idiots. (This is the
(Gratuity, or, "lack thereof.")
Let's think about this "tip"
thing for a moment. I have
always been taught to leave at
jeast 15% for the servers);
depending upon the quality of the
service* I might leave more, I
might leave less. I have been
tipping under 15% is a sign of
either inadequate service, or that
the customer is downright
ignorant anchor rude.
In addition to my education to
etiquette, I have been taught that
if I cannot afford to go out to
fundamental underlying
assumption of journalism.)
This is what people who
answer the phone at, for
example, the electric company,
go through every day. I don’t
mean that they get an endless
stream of calls from people who
are furious that their electricity
got turned off just because they
failed to pay their bill for 297
Consecutive months, or people
asking questions like is it OK to
operate a microwave in the
bathtub.
So let’s say that you have a
genuine problem with your
electric bill. The people in
“Customer Service" have no way
of knowing that you're an
intelligent, rational person.
service
dinner feeling comfortable with
spending some cash for a
satisfying meal plus proper
gratuity, then I should either go
to Taco Bell or stay at home and
prepare diimornryseif.
Part of being saved dinner at a
restaurant is reciprocating with an
appropriate gratuity. I can't tell
you how many times servers,
including myself, have either
been topped teat than 10% or
stiffed completely.
How rude. We ran our butts off
and racked bur brains for next to
nothing.
There were many customers
who visited 6ur restaurant, plus
the regulars who knew "how to
tip." They made waiting tables a
lucrative, worthwhile job. 1
I'm sure it's the same in any
restaurant. It's not right. I
currently work on weekends and
many of my friends still work up
to five nights a week while
attending school as full-time
students.
Waiting tables is a major
source of income for many other
people too. People waking in
restaurants run their butts off
nearly 100% of the time; mostly
They’re going to lump you to
with the shining non-rocket
scientist public. As far as
they’re concerned, the relevant
facts, in any dispute between
you and them, are these:
1. They have a bunch of
electricity.
2. You need it
3. So shut up.
This is why, more and more,
the people in “Customer
Service" won’t even talk to you.
They prefer to let you interface
with the convenient Automated
Answering System until such
time as you die of old age (“...
if your FIRST name has more
than eight letters, and your
LAST name begins with ‘H’
through *L’ press 251 NOW. If
your first name has less than
eight letters, and your last name
contains at least two *E’s, press
252 NOW. If your... “).
So is there any way that you,
the lowly consumer, can gain
the serious attention of a large
and powerful business? I am
pleased to report that there IS a
way, which I found out about
thanks to alert reader Jim Ganz,
Jr., who sent me an Associated
Press news report from Russia.
According to this report, a
Russian electric company got
into a billing dispute with a
customer and cut off the
on busier nights including the
weekends. Customers need to
realize what's going on. I'd lather
be left empty handed than make
$1.50 off of a $45 guest check.
That's insulting.
One of my co-workers took
action against an act of
ignorance. She was tipped one
lousy dollar bill for a fifty-tsome
dollar guest check. Her table was
nice and courteous; she couldn't
believe she wasn't tipped well.
After finding the dollar bill she
chased her customers into the
parking lot. She said, "keep your
dollar," while giving it back. I
don't blame her.
For all the tips I've made, I'm
grateful. For all the tips I will
encounter to the future, let's hope
they're some good ones. For all
the tips I never received, I'd like
to leave some of my own for
you:
If you're not going to tip
accordingly, don't go out to eat.
If you do go out and do not plan
to tip accordingly, I don't want to
wait on you; you're not worth it
customer’s electricity. This
customer, however, happened to
be a Russian army arsenal. So
the commander ordered a tank to
drive over the electric company’s
office and aim its gun at the
windows. The electricity was
turned right back on.
On behalf of consumers
everywhere, I want to kiss this
arsenal commander on the lips.
I mean, what a GREAT concept
Imagine, as a consumer, how
much more seriously your
complaint would be taken if you
woe complaining from inside an
armored vehicle capable of
reducing the entire “Customer
Service” department to tiny
smoking shards. What I am
saying is: Forget the Automated
Answering System. Get a tank.
Perhaps you are thinking:
“But a tank costs several million
dollars, not including floor mats.
I don’t have that kind of
money."
Don’t be silly. You’re a
consumer, right? You have
credit cards, right?
Perhaps you are thinking:
“yes, but how am I gong to pay
the credit card company?”
Don’t be silly. You have a
tank, right?
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