Thursday, September 15,1994
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The microwave toilet
bj Dave Barry
CoOtgimSkff
When we try to name the one
thing that makes America great,
we are forced to conclude that
the answer is "quality of life,"
defined as "working." We are
blessed with the finest toilet
system in the world. When we
go to a public {dace such as a
shopping mall or restaurant, we
know that we will find public
restrooms meeting all the
standards of the Federal
Interstate Commode Quality
Act, including:
Modem soap and paper-towel
(licensers designed to conserve
our planet's precious resources
by always being out of soap and
paper towels.
Bad words that have been
written on the walls by
irresponsible, reprehensible,
antisocial, degenerate perverts
who can be pretty funny.
A sign that says
"EMPLOYEES MUST WASH
HANDS BEFORE LEAVING
RESTROOM AND ALSO
FOR GOD'S SAKE PLEASE
STOP SPITTING INTO THE
ENTREES."
A penon who has been in a
stall for at least two days
«mHbj noises like walruses
mating.
Also,
have trouble writing and walking.
No temperature is
"comfortable," and they
constaatly complain about
evetSMfl# Jhren when things
ace OK still find something
youngsters have not stolen it or
attempted to flush a rental
security guard down it, there
will be a TOILET THAT
ACTUALLY WORKS. This is
not the case elsewhere in the
world. Ask anybody who
travels a lot. In foreign
countries, you constantly find
yourself in scary situations
involving plumbing that was
built thousands of yean ago by
the Etruscans, who chose to
become extinct rather than try to
use it These facilities are often
guarded by very short, very
wide, very hostile women who
watch you like a hawk and
expect you to tip them for
tending the mold colonies and
making sure the toilet paper is
rigid enough to slice luncheon
Perhaps you believe I am
overstating the scariness of
foreign toilet Well, perhaps
you should dig out your
December 1993 issue of the
Scottish Medical Journal, a
copy of which was sent to me
by alert research scientist Elliot
Cowan. On page 183, you wifi
find an article entitled "THE
COLLAPSE OF TOILETS IN
GLASGOW." This article,
which I am not making up,
describes three cases wherein
people were injured "Whilst
sitting on toilets which
if prankish
younger,. night with
Grandma was a thing.
We wed to gtagrendka* gmes
of MoMgpiy. Yahtzee and Tri-
Ominosand She*d always cook
acmmbta&ljjra (which «M|d to be
my favaritMood) lor me. We
glasses and
■>* • '*** s \f.
unexpectedly collapsed.” All
three patients had to receive
hospital treatment for wounds in
the buttocks region. (The
buttocks region is located just
west of Edinburgh.)
The article describes the
collapsing-toilet incidents in
clinical scientific terminology,
which contrasts nicely with a
and hefty victim's naked
wounded butt, mooning out of
the page at you, causing you to
think, for reasons that you
cannot quite explain, of Pat
"The cause (of the toilet
collapses) remains unclear,”
states the Scottish Medical
Journal, "except that all of the
rSivtiNk »> . w *
' ' rm not exactfr *w»wt»a ft
happened. Itelreervebceaon
vacation for Id yens and jnat
mfltoq i«-
I suppose everyone goes
tfcwmgh thin Idwt Of mpfriHifg
wfother it be grandparents, aunts
and ancles, or even our own
pWVtf,
I was
It really bothers me when
people Hftn advantage of elders or
mock them. It's not their findt
that they can't walk or think as
fast as they used to. They were
toilets were believed to be very
old." (The article does not come
right out and use the term
"Etruscan," but we can read
between the lines.)
So my advice is: If you must
go to a foreign country, go to
the bathroom before you leave.
Although I personally would
stay right here in the United
States, because we could be on
the verge of a major scientific
breakthrough in the form of --
get ready ~ a MICROWAVE
TOILET.
I have here the May 26,1993
issue of the Bloomsburg, Pa.
Press-Enterprise sent in by alert
reader David Hill. Right on the
front page is a story, written by
Ettei) Condron, about a man
named George Welliver, who is
hoping to manufacture a toilet
that would use microwaves to
convert waste to ashes, thereby
saving water. The article is
accompanied by a stunningly
artistic color photograph, taken
with the camera tilted at an arty
angle, showing Mr. Welliver
sitting (fully dressed) on his
bathroom commode, holding a
microwave oven in his lap. I
have been to some of the
world's finest museums, and I
can honestly say that I have
never seen a work of art,
photographic or otherwise, that
more clearly expresses the
.theyaeedis.
«MCh oat vid care go they
fed Hint Modem on society.
BehgwttQmdniarikH
realize bow important it is:
for elderly people because
otherwise they slip into a lonely.
Mack hole.
I know for certain that I don't
want to be ignored when I'm
"old"; wouldn't you agree?
classic dual themes of
"microwave oven" and "toilet"
The article quotes Welliver as
saying that he originally
considered a laser toilet but
decided against it I think this
was a wise decision. I'm sure I
speak on behalf of guys
everywhere when I say that I
would not want to get any
closer than about SO feet from a
laser-powered toilet so accuracy
would be a real problem.
But I think the microwave
toilet is a great idea. In fact I
can foresee a day in the not-so
distant future when there would
be one multipurpose microwave
device in your home, which
would automatically, at a pre-set
time, load a frozen burrito into
itself, heat it up to serving
temperature, then switch over to
Toilet Mode, incinerate the
burrito, and whisk the ashes
away without any human
involvement whatsoever. That
is the wonderful thing about
this great country: The quality
of life is constantly improving
in ways that we cannot begin to
comprehend without massive
doses of Prozac, with each
generation producing something
new and amazing. And then
forgetting to flush.
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