Thursday April 7,1994
Where
by Laura Sarawak!
CoUtgimSleff
There lurks on this campus a
great lack of school spirit. We
are all at fault in aorae way or
another for this sad fact. I
indude myself hi the "who is to
Marne," and am not proud of my
failing to support my school
more.
So many clubs,
organisations, teams, and other
activity groups are putting forth
a great amount of effort to
achieve a goal, and they receive
little to no recognition
whatsoever. I find that to be
For example, women's
softball and men's baseball are
two of the events that receive
such little support (Although,
maybe if the softball field had
bleachers then more people
would show up....) Tennis,
soccer, volleyball; do they feel
acknowledged? I've attended
several basketball games in the
past, and some of the games
brought in a nice size group of
spectators. However, I think
that Erie Hall would have been
Mutant constipated worms
by Dave Barry
Syndicated Coimmist
Mutant constipated worms.
It's a topic we all THINK
about a lot; but what do we
really KNOW about it?
The answer, I am pleased to
report, is; more every day,
thanks to the efforts of a
professor named Jim Thomas
in the Genetics Department of
the University of Washington
in Seattle. Thomas has an
entire laboratory devoted to
studying irregularity in worms.
He is the world's leading
authority on this topic. I say
this with no small amount of
pride, because he graduated
from my alma mater, Haverfbrd
College (motto: "Small, But
Weird”).
I learned of Thomas’ work
through one of his alert
graduate students, Creg Darby,
who sent me a lengthy
scientific paper that Thomas
had written. In an
accompanying letter, Creg
wrote: "Notice that Jim was
not merely content to describe
how worms poop. Oh no. We
geneticists are a twisted lot,
because we LOVE mutants, so
Jim went and zapped worms
with nasty chemicals to make
MUTANT WORMS THAT
ARE CONSTIPATED.
Really, it's all there in the
paper. I know you can't
filled had more school pride
been instilled in students,
faculty, and others affiliated
with Penn State. I commend
those yh" Np«f supported there
sporting events, as I’ve missed
many. I also coauncnd those
participating in such events.
You deserve a lot more
recognition.
You know what else is bad?
Students complain about the
way our Student Government
and other student-directed groups
are run and about deciaious made
by our student body. I'm
willing to bet that these
atndemta don't take the time to
do a little research or even to
find out who the candidates for
SGA, SOC, SPC, LOC, or
other groups are when election
time comes around. It's safe to
assume then that these students
either vote far people who they
know verv little about
politically, or they simply don't
vote at all. I don't think it's
fair, nor does it make any sense
for people to complain about
issues they could have some
control over, but were too damn
lazy to do anything about it.
understand most of it, so I have
highlighted the word
‘constipated 1 ."
Creg who is not afraid to use
capitalization for desired
emphasis added that "JIM’S
RESEARCH IS FUNDED BY
THE U.S. GOVERNMENT!
HE IS SPENDING TENS OF
THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS
OF TAXPAYERS’ MONEY
TO MAKE CONSTIPATED
WORMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Let me state that, as a
taxpayer, I would much rather
see my tax money spent on
mutant constipated worms than
on the senate Judicial
Committee. Not that time is
such a huge difference.
But as a journalist, I feel a
fundamental responsibility to
you, the puMic, to check out
stories that involve the use of
your tax money for scientific
projects in cities that have
goodmicrobrewerybeer. Sol
went to Seattle.
Thomas’ office is located in
the university’s Health
Sciences Building, which is
very scientific. I say this
because of the bulletin boards.
Back in the ‘6os, when I was
in college, our bulletin boards
were covered with
announcements of festive
social events such as dances,
concerts and the violent
overthrow of the U.S.
government Whereas the first
bulletin board I saw in the
is your pride?
Voting is definitely one of these
issues.
Students and faculty involved
in theater productions here on
campus should also be
recognized by a larger audience.
They Ml wok very hard in order
to entertain. It's kind of
difficult for them to entertain us
when no one shows up to
support their efforts.
Guest speakers in our Lecture
Series, performers in Reed
exhibiting varieties of talent,
entertainment at Bruno's, and
anything else that's happening
Health Sciences Building had
the following announcement
posted on it: "A KERATIN 14
MUTATIONAL HOT SPOT
FOR EPIDERMOLYSIS
BULLOSA SIMPLEX
DO WLING-MEARA.”
I wasn’t sure that it was
medically safe for a layperson
to even LOOK at these words,
so I scurried on up to Jim
cluttered with scientific items
such as petri dishes, beakers,
test tubes, radioactivity
warnings, deadly chemicals and
graduate students eating their
lunch. I did not immediately
see any worms; Professor
Thomas explained that the ones
he studies, called
Caenorhabditis elegans, are
only one millimeter long. (To
give yourself an idea how long
do we take the time to attend
such events? These aren't
advertised in our mailboxes or
all over the walls in every
building on campus for our
health. (Unless a Ph.D. is
speaking some night in
Reed.)...
I don’t play sports now, in
fact, it's been quite a while since
I've played—and it shows.
Anyway, I can remember all the
way back to grade school when I
played basketball, I started at
center, and I absolutely loved to
play. I also loved it when I
could took out into the crowd
and gee familiar feces watching
me on the court. I felt special,
and I knew that the people who
showed up really cared. The
yhoatwf am* jumped
around, and our bulldog mascot
ran up and down the sidelines.
The nervousness I felt was
welcomed, as it was more of a
feeling of excitement or
anticipation. I also remember
how it felt inside when hardly
anyone showed up. I felt that
my performance mattered very
little, since no one gave a flying
hoot any way. I knew I wanted
that is, hold your thumb and
forefinger one millimeter
apart)
A LOT of scientists study
these worms. They (the
scientists) even have their own
magazine, and they regularly
gather at events such as the
West Coast Worm Meeting.
One news report begins:
"Almost all worm people in
Japan assembled in Sendai on
29th November..."
Jim Thomas loves his
worms.
"We think they are the
coolest organisms in the
world," he told me, and his
corps of graduate students
nodded in proud agreement.
What makes these worms
especially cool for constipation
studies is (1) You can see right
through them, and (2) They
poop every 45 seconds. 1
know this because I saw them
myself. First Thomas showed
me a videotape of one of them
inaction.
It was
“OK, watch this,” he said, as
the worm contracted itself.
“He’s getting ready...”
The worm made a sudden
motion.
"POOP!” said Thomas,
thrusting his fist forward in a
football-fan-like gesture of
triumph.
Next Thomas led me to a
microscope, where I saw some
live worm action. Basically
to do my best and try to win,
but it just wasn't the same when
spectators were scattered and I
could pfey connect-the-dots with
their heads.
I think we all need to
remember that even if we aren't
die primary participants in any
given event, our attendance
plays an important role. If we
aren't involved and aren't
satisfied with the way things are
done, we should quit our
complaining and get involved.
Our care and support could be a
determining fector in the success
of an event or activity. As
members of Behrend, we must
remember that we have to work
as a team. We all have a part to
play in order to keep this team a
successfully functioning unit
If I have learned anything thus
far in my life that has really
meant something to me, it
would have to be that we were
put on this earth to achieve, not
to sit back and watch the world
goby. Try this on for size and
then maybe coaaplaints will be
minimized; don't just float
through life, make some
waves....
what these worms do all the
time is crawl around in dishes
full of food, eating, pooping
and having sex. It is guy
heaven. All they need is tiny
TVs with remote controls.
The male worms, by the
way, are total sex fiends. They
try to do it with everything
they bump into, including
other males. Sometimes they
try to mate with their OWN
HEADS (a graduate student
told me this is called
“wanking”).
I also looked at some mi|tnn>
constipated worms, who were
bloated and definitely not as
lively. They reminded me of
people in laxative
commercials.
PHARMACIST WORM:
You said it, Mr. Feemley! I
haven’t pooped in over 90
seconds!
I asked Jim Thomas if there
was any possibility that his
research would ever, in a
zillion years, have any practical
benefits for humans. He
couldn’t think of any offhand,
but he allowed that it might
conceivably be possible.
That is good enough for me.
I’m glad that we’re funding this
research. In fact, I would
strongly support spending
more money in this area, as
well as any scientific endeavor
that has the potential to benefit
mankind. And here I am
thinking of the microbreweries.
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