Thursday, March 24, 1994
Spring fever
by Laura Borawski
Collegian Staff
Let’s see here: about five
weeks left in the semester.
Spring is in the air, and our
minds often wonder to some far
away place in the tropics where
the sun is shining and the waters
are so beautiful we can hardly
stand it. Unfortunately, these
last five weeks will prove to be
some of the most stressful and
unwelcomed weeks of our lives.
Without sounding overly
dramatic about all of this, I just
can’t believe how much I need to
work to stay on track until the
end of finals week. There are
days when I feel full of energy
and determination - as if I could
take on the world. Then again,
how about the times when I just
have to watch Seinfeld and
Frazier and decide that my work
can be put off “just one more
day”?! That’s not good. It’s
just so easy to do!
Many of us still have those
major projects waiting for us to
Revenge
by Dave Barry
Syndicated Cdwnnitt
“Rob," I said to my 13-year
old son, who was -- this being a
school morning -- sleeping face
down in his breakfast. “How
would you like it if I picked you
up at school in the Oscar Mayer
Wienermobile?”
“DAD!” he said, coming
violently to life, horrified.
“NO!”
So right away I knew it was a
good idea. Your most important
responsibility, as the parent of
an adolescent, is to be a hideous
embarrassment to your child.
Fortunately, most of us parents
have a natural flair for this.
For example: I’U be driving
Rob and some friends
somewhere, and they’ll be in the
back seat, talking the way young
people do, in a series of
statements that sound like
questions (“So Mr. Neeble? He
had this gross thing? In his
nose? Like the size of a
GRAPE? And so Wesley
Plunkington? He put an eraser?
In HIS nose? Then he raised his
hand? And then....”) While the
young people discuss academic
matters, I’ll tune the radio to a
station that plays Old People’s
Rock, and sometimes a good
song will come on, such as
“Brown Eyed Girl,” and I’ll hum
sit down and get a good start on
them. For many of us as well,
those same projects won’t get
finished until the minute before
they’re due. Why do we torture
ourselves? I suppose the
students who are graduating this
semester would say, “Screw it!
I’m outta here!” And the rest of
us may blame procrastination on
burn-out or the arrival of spring.
Professors are probably ready
to get out too. Of course, the
summer classes will take up
some time - but that’s different.
Summer breezes and sunshine
seem to make everything in life
a bit easier. I'm sure professors
are tired of grading and making
up quizzes and everything else
they have to do - we all have
our jobs to do, I guess.
Sometimes I find that I work
better under pressure. Do any of
you feel that way? It seems that
I’m more focused on what I’m
working on and the end results
aren’t too shabby!
However, I must admit that
softly along, but when Van
Morrison gets to the part that
goes, "Do you remember when,
we used to sing,” I’ll forget
myself, and, right along with
Van, belt out:
“Sha lalalalalalalalaiaia
lateDAH”
Then I’ll realize that the
young people have stopped
talking and are staring at me, and
my son's expression clearly
indicates that he wishes that an
alien spaceship would kidnap
him right then and take him to a
distant galaxy where alien
scientists might drill
experimental holes into his
brain, but at least nobody would
know that his father is a dork.
And at that moment, I know I
have done my parental duty.
So that’s why I picked Rob up
in the Oscar Mayer
Wienermobile. Perhaps you’ve
seen this: It’s a legal motor
vehicle shaped like a 230 foot
long, 3-ton hot dog, with wheels
in the buns. There are actually
six Wienermobiles, which are
driven around the country by
peppy and perky recent college
graduates. Recently, Oscar
Mayer offered me the
opportunity to drive a
Wienermobile, no doubt hoping
this would result in favorable
publicity, although of course
I’m far too ethical to promote
Oscar Mayer meat products,
(sEfflß®
the projects that I have had a
head start on seemed to flow;
they seemed to piece together
more readily and easily, and that
only makes sense. Papers and
projects were graded higher, and
test results revealed time well
spent as well.
Aside from education then, it
seems to me that procrastination
can hurt us throughout the span
of life. If we insist that laziness
and lack of motivation just come
of the dorks
which are known to cure heart
disease.
My Wienermobile was under
the command of Tina Miller and
Shannon Valrie, who have
managed to remain both peppy
and perky despite having spent
nine months hearing the
hilariously clever suggestive
remarks that men everywhere
feel compelled to yell at young
women who are driving around
in a giant wiener. (NOTE TO
THESE MEN: If you think
YOU’RE clever, you should hear
what gets said about YOU,
inside the Wienermobile.) After
a thorough training lecture
(“Here’s the Wienermobile”),
Tina and Shannon let me take
the wheel.
My first destination was
South Miami Beach, a world
famous trendy glamour hot spot
where beautiful people sit at
sidewalk cafes discreetly
admiring their own pectoral
muscles. The fashion-photo
industry is active there, and you
often see fabulous 7-foot-tall
euro-babe super models
swooping past on Rollerblades.
I wanted to find out, as a
journalist, whether a super
model would be overcome by the
charisma of the Wienermobile
and want to go for a ride in it
So I cruised slowly up the main
drag, and you would not
BELIEVE the response. The
has hit
easier to us, then we will find
that we will have to work much
harder and with much haste in
order to get what we want Hard
work, accepting some pain
instead of constant pleasure,
determination and faith, will
assure us a greater likelihood of
success and happiness. Getting
something we want is so much
more of a reward when we feel
that we’ve earned it. If silver
spoons constantly feed us, our
teeth will rot and minutes of
pleasure won’t be worth it in the
end.
Maybe I should try harder to
discipline myself. If I feel inside
that I have done the best I can
do, then that should be ail I
need. Going one step further
than what I “want” to do, or than
I “feel like” doing, would
provide a feeling of satisfaction
and pride.
These last weeks of school
could be a big opportunity for
each of us. Instead of putting of
until tomorrow what we can do
today, maybe we should just do
response was: Nothing. You’d
have thought these people got
hourly visits from the
Wienermobile, the way they
ignored it.
So I got on the microphone
and spoke through the
Wienermobile’s PA system.
“FABULOUS EURO-BABE
SUPERMODELS!” I
announced. “DO NOT BE
AFRAID TO BE ATTRACTED
TO THE WIENERMOBILE!”
A few people glanced up from
their pectorals, but that was it
I got a slightly better response
later in Central Miami, where I
pulled into a used-car lot. The
owner walked up, staring at the
Wienermobile.
“I’m thinking about trading
this in,” I said. “I’m looking for
something that is not shaped so
much like a giant hot dog.”
He was genuinely interested.
He was clearly thinking: Sale.
“OK,” he said, looking around
the lot, “I have ...”
“What I want,” I said,
interrupting, "is a vehicle shaped
like a SMALLER hot dog. A
more COMPACT hot dog. You
have anything like that?”
He stood there, thinking hard.
“Give me your card,” he said, "in
case something turns up."
You have to admire that kind
of determination.
The highlight of the day was
picking up Rob at school. He
it. Just do it and feel better
about ourselves and about life in
general. Start that paper, do
some research, study a little for
that damn test Party when your
finished! Reward yourself; go
out to dinner, buy something
you want and know you don’t
really need. Celebrate for a
reason.
Though you may not agree, I
believe that we have so much to
say in who we are, who we are
to become. We have so much to
say in where we will live some
day, what kind of job we will
have, and our lifestyle in
general. If we get off on the
right foot - or at least turn over a
new leaf now, then later will be
so much better. Plus, we’ll
have ourselves to thank. If you
believe in God, he helps those
who help themselves. That's
what mom always said.
was out front, with all his
friends, when I pulled up,
broadcasting on he PA system.
“ROB BARRY. THIS IS
YOUR FATHER,” I said.
“PLEASE REPORT TO THE
WIENERMOBILE
IMMEDIATELY.”
To his credit, he did. Rather
than run off and join a fringe
religious cult, which is what I
would have done at age 13, he
got into the Wienermobile. I
could tell that, deep inside, he
was proud of his old man,
although he did not explicitly
say so.
“I can't believe you did this,”
were his actual words.
“It’s my job,” I pointed out.
Of course I did not expect
thanks. My reward is the
knowledge that some day,
somehow, Rob will be a hideous
embarrassment to HIS son.
That’s what makes this country
great: an older generation
passing along a cherished
tradition to a younger one, in
very much the same way that a
row of people at a baseball game
will pass along those tasty Oscar
Mayer wieners, which by the
way also have been shown in
laboratory tests to prevent
baldness.
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