Thursday, February 24, 1994
The Jordan question
by Matthew D. Cissne
I have a question: When has
trying to live out your dreams
become such a bad thing to do?
I don’t understand why
everyone is so upset about this
whole Michael Jordan thing.
Why are all these sourpuss
baseball “purists” so afraid of
Jordan’s presence in “their" sport
If any other 30-year-old came
out of retirement and was invited
to a major league camp, he would
be a national hero.
Instead, Jordan is being
criticized by some for even
trying. In recent years, baseball,
our national pastime, has become
less popular as football and
basketball have taken advantage
of television and giant marketing
campaigns to win the hearts of
American youth.
Who better to help restore
baseball’s fallen image than a
legend like Jordan? He used his
unequaled athletic ability to soar
to the top of the NBA, and
became the most famous athlete
in America’s history.
I am not saying that he will
dominate the sport of baseball,
but his athletic ability and
unrivaled competitive edge could
Ask Mr. Language Person
by Dave Barry
Syndicated Colmmist
It’s time once again for Ask
Mister Language Person, the
award-winning column by the
world’s foremost leading word
expert, who was recently chosen
Official Grammarian of the U.S.
Olympic Ski Team (motto:
“Hopefully, Nobody Will Break
Their Leg.")
Our first grammar question
comes from reader Martha
Booth, who writes: “I heard on
NPR that President Clinton and
Pope John Paul II met and
exchanged a few words. Do you
happen to know which ones they
exchanged? And can you please
tell me what is sometimes seen
hanging off the bottom of the ‘c’
in the word ‘facade’?”
A. Scientists believe it is a
parasite. As regards to the word
exchange: Clinton gave the
pope a handsome matched set of
“parameters,” and in return
received the traditional papal
“Quod Sic Et Cetera Pluribus
Per Annum."
Q. What does that mean?
A. “There is a bologna in my
carburetor.”
Q. According to a Tampa
Tribune article sent in by
Dorothy Ladd, what did
University of Florida Associate
get him far.
Jordan does not do anything
half-assed. Everything he does,
is done at full tilt (even
gambling). Baseball is no
different
He has been getting up at six
in the morning for batting
lessons with Walt Hriniak, who
is a highly respected batting
coach. His teammates and
coaches have begun to notice vast
improvements in his swing.
Jordan is not the only one who
is serious about the whole affair.
The Chicago White Sox won the
American League Western
Division last season and are
expected to fair well this season.
They would not have invited
him to camp if they did not think
he was qualified.
Sure there are members of the
White Sox organization who are
salivating over the increased
revenue that he will bring to the
team, but that would not be
enough reason for the White Sox
to bring him to Florida.
Madonna would bring in revenue
also, but I don’t see her wearing
pinstripes.
I hope that Jordan proves all of
the "so-called" experts wrong, and
lives out his dream. Maybe then
he will stick out his legendary
tongue at them.
Athletic Director Greg McGarity
say about allegations of abusive
fan behavior at UF football
games?
A. He said: “In no way are
we turning a deaf shoulder.”
Q. What is the correct
wording to use when responding
to a formal invitation to dine at
Buckingham Palace with Queen
Elizabeth?
A. The correct wording is:
“Your Majesty is darned tooting
that yours truly shall be honored
to put on the feed bag with Your
Royal Highness.”
Q. Please describe the
photograph on the front page of
the Oct. 6, 1993 issue of The
Monona Billboard (“Official
Newspaper of Clayton County
& Monona, Farmersburg &
Luana, Iowa”).
A. Certainly. It shows two
senior citizens using a knife to
slice a large cheese at the annual
Germanfest. Just below this
photograph, in large letters, it
says...
Q. No, you’re not going to
tell me...
A. Yes. It says: “CUTTING
THE CHEESE.”
Q. Please explain the
statement; “I can’t seem to find
my car keys.”
A. This statement means that
the person can FIND his car
■•x-.'-X".
The
pros
and
the
cons
ssss£-'.-:-y .❖:> .-
keys, but he cannot SEEM to
find them.
Q. Please review the basic
purpose of the apostrophe.
A. The apostrophe is used
primarily as a punctuation mark
in certain Lesley Gore songs,
such as “Judy’s Turn to Cry,”
where the apostrophe and the “s”
indicate that “Judy” is
tried to steal Lesley Gore’s
boyfriend, “Johnny,” away.
Q. What is the best verse in
that song?
A. The one wherein Lesley
saw Judy and Johnny kissing at
a party, so, to make Johnny
jealous, she kissed another guy,
and then: “Johnny jumped up
and he hit him ‘cause he still
by Bill Graham
Collegian Staff
If Michael Jeffrey Jordan needs
a hobby to keep busy then teach
him cards or dart throwing; but
keep him off the baseball
diamond.
When last we saw Jordan, he
was retiring from pro basketball
where he ruled the court. He
was perhaps the greatest player
the world has ever witnessed.
His abilities and
championships speak for
themselves. But when he
retired, he said he had nothing
left to prove. He needed to get
away from the press and the fans
in order to spend more time with
his family.
Now he wants to create the
biggest media circus around
(except for Tonya Harding) by
trying out for the Chicago White
Sox. Does baseball really need
this aggravation? What good
will this do for the sport?
Granted, Michael Jordan has
tremendous hand-eye coordin
ation and this is needed to play
baseball. But hitting a round
ball with a round bat is the
hardest things to do in
professional sports.
Not only are they round, but
loved me, that’s why.”
Q. What an attractive couple.
A. Yes.
Q. Speaking of song lyrics:
In “Wooly Bully,” by Sam the
Sham and the Pharaohs, Sam the
Sham sings: “Let’s not be L-7s;
come on and learn this dance.”
My question which has been
nagging me for YEARS - is
this: Is “Sam the Sham” his
real name?
A. No. His real name is
“Howard A. Sputelman Jr. the
Sham.”
Q. What is the purpose of the
hyphen?
A. The hyphen is used to
connect congestive nouns to
their precipitate adjutants, as we
see in this example: “That Zsa-
Zsa is a weiner-head! The
hyphen is also used at the end of
a line when there is not enough
room to finish a word: “Marsha
moaned as Brad thrust his throb
uh-oh we’re out of room.”
Q. Please quote a sentence
from an Aug. 12, 1993 Dayton
Daily News report sent in by
Lou Copits concerning the
rescue of a man who nearly
drowned while attempting to
swim across a river.
A. “Police said (the man) told
them he had been playing a
game that involved banging his
head against a wall when he
the ball is moving at speeds of
90-100 mph. It takes baseball
players years of practice and
training to become good hitters.
Jordan has only been training for
a few months.
What happened to spending
time with his family and getting
away from the media? Or was
that some way of not getting
himself or the NBA into trouble
from incurred gambling debts?
(Remember Pete Rose?)
If Jordan makes a team, then
the time from February to
October will be spent practicing
or playing. How much free time
is that?
Let’s say Jordan has a decent
spring training and it comes
down to Michael Jordan and
Mike Huff. Both had equal
numbers, but Huff has major
league experience. Who should
they choose? Huff and many
others may be left off the rosier
so the While Sox can draw a few
mote people to the park. That is
certainly not fair to the players
and the integrity of the game.
The White Sox are a talented
team with a promising future.
Let us hope they come to their
senses and end this escapade
before it goes too far.
decided to swim across the
river.”
Q. What game is that?
A. Probably golf.
Q. According to Dale
Stephens, what does the sign on
the main road into Bolivar, W.
Va., say?
A. It says: WELCOME TO
BOLIVAR
PLEASE COME BACK
Q. Did Stephens also relate
an anecdote concerning his friend
John Pharis?
A. Yes: One time Pharis saw
his 3-year-old daughter picking
her nose and then sticking her
finger into her mouth. He told
her, “You know, I don’t think
I’d want to put anything in my
mouth that came out of my
nose.” And she said: “You
should try it. It’s good.”
TODAY’S WRITING TIP: In
writing an advertising slogan,
always go with your strongest
“selling point.”
WRONG: “Tastes like goat
drool.”
RIGHT: “Proud to be your
Bud.”
GOT A QUESTION FOR
MISTER LANGUAGE
PERSON? The answer is:
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