Thursday, February 3, 1994
by Laura Borowski
coussido sad'
In lieu of the fact that this is
my primary appearance as a
columnist in our campus
newspaper. I am excited to have
the opportunity to patent to you
an importantisatie that affects all
of us, even if it's in the long run.
Theft is a major crime. It has
been viewed by many as a crime
of varying degree, depending
upon what is stolen.
But what the folks with sticky
fingers need to realize is that no
matter what they are stealing,
they are committing an unlawful
crime.
The mason why I have chosen
to elaborate upon such an issue is
because of its effect on me, and
because of its effect on you. The
effect is a negative one and very
unnecomary.
It is something that should be
brought so everyone's attention in
order that justice may be
essiboxd. and that ignonmce may
be disposed of properly. We do
not and should not have to
talent e such bethavka . =wing
right bake, 4ar eyes. Having
flushed that Ikons my syssem, I
will now palceed with n►y
co sop I a a ao 1 ammo s.
I warkisearboaknoteuvend
by Dave Barry
4 1 Nlii=umi Cohmisist
Radiation is a doubled-edged
sword: It can be our deadly
enemy, as when it leaks out of a
nuclear reactor and harms
innocent people; yet it can also
be our friend, as when it leaks
out of a nuclear reactor and
harms Donald Trump.
Another example: Dentists
use radiation, in the form of X
rays, to determine which of our
teeth are still real, so they .can
grind them into stumps and
cover them with improved space
age materials costing thousands
of dollars per ounce. Yet those
very same "X-rays," if we are
overexposed to them, can cause
us to look like Willie Nelson. I
base this statement on my own
dentist, Stanley Krugman. He is
a fine person and a skilled
professional but he looks WAY
too much like Willie Nelson for
it to be a result of natural
causes. When he works on my
teeth, I'm always expecting him
to burst into song:
"....darlin' won't you come
back soon and spit mouthwash
in my spittoon."
I recently received another
example of bad radiation from
alert reader Laurie Belin, who
sent me a UPI article that should
be of grave concern to all those
individuals who use furniture.
Chime on campus
my hdpful-Hurry► setiiiees.
As you all remember, the
beginning of this spring seamier
was rather hectic. and more or
less a big pain in the butt, as is
every other are.
Some of us have to either run
to mom and dad, grandma and
grandpa, aunt and uncle, or some
other God-sent source for cash or
credit to pay for our books and
other stuff for school. For the
rest of us, the "independent"
college students who have
nothing more than lint in our
pockets and debts out the wa-zoo,
we must somehow come up with
the cash ourselves.
Some students never even
purchase required books and face
the consequences due to lack of
folds. Also, we all know that
some cease end ep having a pretty
extensive siseff4ife silting an our
dadcrooliecting dust without ever
being used.
Since it is obvious to all
students that books are priced by
some money-hungry 5.0.8.
*silly *doing Mather lob." we
enter the boohoo , dreading the
walk to the mile4ong register
line where the guillodne.
disguised as Ihe "sub-total"
Wok waits. NV* even moshkr
ottmehes lockriainetimeS wiles
weds. book BM'
'ha thom
Killer radiation
The article, which I am not
making up, beens:
"MOSCOW -- A Russian
businessman who died recently
of mysterious causes was
apparently killed by his chair,
which was found after his death
to be highly radioactive, Russian
newspapers reported Friday."
The article goes on to state:
"Investigators discovered that
the deadly office chair was the
source of 1.5 million times
more radioactivity than normal
background levels. ... It was not
known how the chair became
radioactive, but there have been
other incidents in Moscow where
ordinary household items and
even foods have been found to be
radioactive."
Your reaction to this article,
as a compassionate human
being, is: "How can I get a
chair like that for certain people
in my office, particularly the
cretin who will not stop
humming Gary Puckett songs?'
No, seriously, your reaction is
to be shocked, but also to be
reassured by the belief that,
while there might be radioactive
chairs in Russia, there would
never be any here.
I wish I shared your
optimism. I wish I could tell
you that when I contacted the
American Chair Council, a
spokesperson informed me that
every chair sold in this country
gpalroyrsj
ID become enraged with the entire
system. (I know because I've
head it left and right, but I don't
blame you.)
When students deem
themselves capable of stealing
without getting caught red
handed, then they► follow through
by converting words or thoughts
into action, and rip off whatever
it is that they're after.
right been in our Betirend be Max
Boollume des brave theft. This is where I become
Theft here has hthlsgeg confused. Why would anyone
stealing, (as in lifting Ws.) as want to cheat their friends?
wdl as tepidly kooks or other Furthermore, why would they
items at a cost that suits the cheat themselves? AU of the
**the thaw. Nerves reading this may have the
Whether a pee is takes, or movers to my questions. but I
otoylionovedshin, a few books, mainly don't. (And you know
*robed good .. the charge sof who you are, too. Doesn't this
r
..sands Eves if the ease VON' Yoel) '
~.is use *doh the *emit - - -4, lliedkelaseitheiestdog is seen
..,
pow deep ~. - , . , er semethieg Athiguely rsierked,
_ .
AWN
Una
is
mow as
is subjected to a rigorous
radiation-testing process wherein
an inspector sits in it for a
certain period of time and notes,
on a clipboard, whether or not he
dies. But I'm afraid I cannot tell
you this, and do you want to
know why? Because there IS no
"American Chair Council." And
even if there was, I am way too
lazy to contact it. This is a
attitude that pervades our society_
and makes us perfectly capable
of producing radioactive chairs or
food. (Take a close look at
"Lucky Charms" cereal, and then
try to tell me that it does not
involve massive doses of atomic
alergo
So we have reason to be
concerned. But we should not
on something; hey, that's still a
case considered theft.
How about the gall of some
people who rip off other students
in the restrooms? We've had
students come to the store to tell
us that within minutes their
books that were in the restroom,
either on a shelf or on the floor,
have been stolen. It's so
wonderful to live in an honest
society...
These thieves, believing
themselves to be sneaky and sly,
are cheating not only their
school's bookstore, but their
fellow students and themselves as
well. They've definitely cheated
me and the rest of my fellow
employees.
Our hours have been cut in
order to ameliorate the budget.
Understandable. But if our
campus had more honest-Abe's,
and if we didn't lose so much
money to their unlawful hands
and bookbags and roomy winter
coats, then maybe the hours
offered to working students would
panic. We should simply make
whatever lifestyle adjustments
are necessary to reflect the fact ,
that every single object we come
into contact with could kill us,
and then we should put it out of
our minds. Perhaps it will help
if we remember that radiation
also benefits mankind in ways
that were never before possible.
I am referring, as you may
already have guessed, to
microwave grape racing.
I found out about microwave
grape racing from Greg Jacobs, a
student at my alma mater,
Haverford College (official
motto: "No, Dammit, I Did
NOT Say 'Harvard'!").
Basically, here's how it works:
You put a thin film of sunflower
oil on the floor of your
microwave oven, and then you
line some grapes up against one
side, with the holes pointing at
the wall. Then you turn the
microwave on full power, which
heats the grapes' interiors until
steam goes shooting out the
holes, thus turning the grapes
into little organic rocket engines
that scoot across the lubricated
oven floor.
WARNING: THE
PROCEDURE DESCRIBED IN
THE PREVIOUS
PARAGRAPH IS NOT
APPROVED BY THE
AMERICAN MICROWAVE
COUNCIL (IF THERE IS
the money lost by the bookstore,
and essentially the same 5.0.8.
just "doing his/her job" must be
made up by none other than those
who need the books, the clothes,
the supplies, etc.- we the
consumers; many of us, poor
college students.
It just doesn't make any sense.
Nic!. example of "truth, justice,
and the American Way." It's
almost embarrassing. I feel sorry
for those compelled to steal, to
be dishonest and foolish, to feel
as if they've fooled everyone
because of their ignorance of the
law; the same law that protects
us against what may unjustly
harm us in society. The same
law that is at our beckoning calls
to protect us - including all
you thieves who betray the law.
Just so you know, the
bookstore's employees are
stupid; that even includes me.
We've been blessed with eyes
that can see, and that watch
what's going on. If you think
you're fooling me, guess again.
What goes amend comesatound,
and this melding thing will catch
up to you io die and. Trust me.
So, all of you guilty folks, my
deepest sympathy, and thank you
so much for your ignorance. It
maims so much. To everybody
else, well, I guess that's just the
way it goes. That is, until
somebody, somewhere, does
swot ping about this problem.
Pteilianisl Wish them was an
env , sow. How about you?
SUCH A THING) AND
COULD BE HAZARDOUS TO
YOUR HEALTH. ON THE
OTHER HAND, WE HAVE
ALREADY ESTABLISHED
THAT YOUR SPATULA
COULD BE GIVING OFF
MORE RADIATION THAN
CHERNOBYL, SO WHAT DO
YOU CARE?
My son, Rob, and I held some
microwave grape races, after
taking the standard precaution of
making sure that my wife was
not home. It was entertaining,
although many of the grapes --
and I blame the Clinton
administration -- lacked the Will
To Win. Only a few grapes
actually moved, and rarely in the
right direction. The rest either
spun in circles, or exploded right
at the starting line. This was
more fun to watch than, say, the
Indianapolis 500, where you
usually have to sit through
many laps to see that kind of
action.
Thus we see that radiation, if
used wisely, can provide
important benefits to humanity
for many years to come.
Although you, personally,
might not see this come to pass,
especially if you are touching
this newspaper with your bare
hands.
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